By mrjude - 28/10/2019 04:00

Whiner!

Today, my boss yelled at me, telling me that I can't answer the phone anymore. Not because I do a bad job, but because a co-worker whined about it being her job. People call her and complain about how rude she is and then ask to talk to me. FML

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Or he's just becoming an old goober

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Mixed signals

By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 19:13 - United States

Today, I walked into a T-Mobile store to get a new phone. I wanted all of my numbers on my new phone, but the customer service rep had to transfer them. He said jokingly, "I understand. You don't want to lose your girlfriend's number." My girlfriend and I broke up two days ago. FML

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By justin_99 - 3/11/2009 01:15 - Canada

Today, I was working at Tim Hortons. A lady was in line, and she couldnt make up her mind. 20 minutes later she finally decided to get something, and she reached in her pocket. I was hoping it was a tip, but she gave me a coupon for a haircut. FML

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By framed - 2/4/2016 12:30 - United States - Portsmouth

Today, I was chatting with a new guy at work. He cracked a joke about me and I jokingly gave him a light push on the shoulder. Half a second after I touched him, he threw himself back and hit the floor yelling in "pain". Now I'm suspended because of this psycho. FML

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By Joplin - 13/9/2010 19:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I was lying on my recliner watching TV when I dropped the remote under the footrest. I got down on my hands and knees and pushed the footrest into the chair. The moment I touched the remote, the footrest deployed and hit me square in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 02:00

Better out than in

Today, I had the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my lower right abdomen. I was doubled over and vomiting it hurt so bad. After going to the E.R., thinking it was my appendix and getting checked in, I let out the biggest most rancid fart in my life and the pain immediately went away. FML

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By yuhan - 22/7/2018 19:00

Today, while walking around outside with my friends, I was told that I have no right to complain about the heat since I'm not fat. Thirty minutes later, I had sweat out all the liquid in my body and promptly passed out from heat stroke. FML

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By mystery - 7/12/2013 21:55 - United States - Minot

Today, I found out that I take long enough showers for my boyfriend to sleep with my sister and put everything back to normal before I get out. I found out when I needed more shampoo that was in a shopping bag in my room. FML

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By koanroak - 22/6/2015 03:08 - United States - Carrollton

Today, while taking a slow night at my waitressing job, I thought I heard the sound of crying coming from the kitchen. I rushed in, thinking something terrible had happened. Nope, the bus boy was just watching porn on his phone with no headphones. FML

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By toothache - 14/5/2013 12:03 - United States - Morton Grove

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth filled. The nurse just finished taking my info when the doctor came in and started drilling. Through my chorus of screams he realized he'd forgotten to numb me. His only response was, "Guess I forgot to numb ya, huh?" while giggling. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2015 11:52 - United States - Garland

Today, while on my Dad's computer, I looked through the browser history to find the name of a website I'd visited on it the other day. I soon found out he watches a staggering amount of downright frightening incest porn. I'm disturbed on so many levels. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2020 14:02

Always wear protective gear

Today, while nailing a board down, I hit my thumb with the hammer. As I reached to console my throbbing finger, I dropped the hammer on my foot. When I went down to hold my foot, I smacked my head on the board. Now I've got a concussion, a smashed finger, and a bruised foot. FML

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By dr.mantistobagon - 27/8/2014 22:03 - United States - South Burlington

Today, it's been a few months since my grandfather passed away. Now all of his porn subscriptions are getting forwarded to my address. FML

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By kyla - 24/4/2011 05:56 - United States

Today, while shopping at American Eagle, I found the same "$1,500" wedding ring my fiancé proposed to me with, marked on sale for $10.95. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2013 05:51

Today, it wasn't until I heard something fly off the roof of my car and hit the trunk, then asphalt, that I remembered where I left my phone while unlocking the car door. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2018 14:30

Today, based on recent x-rays, I have the right knee of a 60-year-old, the left knee of a 70-year-old, and the right hip joint of a 100-year-old who's been dead for 15 years. I'm only 19 years old and my doctor says I'm gonna need two walking sticks by the time I'm 25. FML

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By Real Life Sucks - 26/5/2015 16:50 - United States

Today, it's been exactly 2 years since I graduated college. I make less money in my full-time job now than I did working part-time in college. FML

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By Cassandra - 14/10/2011 00:10 - United States

Today, my mom took a bright red sharpie and drew a red circle just above my breasts. She said, "If I can see this, ever, your shirt is either too low cut or too see through and it will be thrown away." FML

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By ozzii - 4/9/2019 22:00

Crushed

Today, my friend pointed out that I’ve developed crushes on my last two bosses. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that before then, I had a secret crush on a professor back in college, too. Yet, I wonder why I’m single. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 01:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I saw selfies of my aunt and her friends on Facebook having a great time. They took the pictures at my mother's funeral last week. FML

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By condom_kid - 27/7/2009 14:34 - United States

Today, my father pulled me aside right before heading off to my girlfriend's house. He said "Next time you have sex, don't leave the tied up condom in its wrapper inside your short's pocket, otherwise your mother might find it again as she's folding laundry." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2009 17:10 - United States

Today, I was picking my daughter up at day care. She was outside playing kick ball. A red ball rolls over to me, and trying to impress the kids, I kicked it over the slide. I turn around to see three crying six year olds. It was their hamster ball. FML

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By yikes - 21/4/2012 08:36 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom to pee. I looked at the toilet paper after I wiped and saw a spider on it. It was still wiggling its legs. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2014 15:05 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I got cited for "internet plagiarism" and called to the dean's office. I'd been sitting a closed-book written exam, and my teacher had been breathing down my neck the whole time. FML

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By SadDad - 22/9/2012 18:11 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I came home to find my eight-year-old son had basically set fire to the kitchen, after trying to practice some kind of stupid shit he'd seen on TV called "fire bending." FML

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By fthislyfe - 18/7/2011 07:09 - Netherlands

Today, in an amphitheater, someone hit the back of my head. As I turned around, the guy apologized and said he mistook me for his friend. I changed seats, and after a while, I got hit a second time. He was wrong again. FML

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By Leauge - 28/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Owensboro

Very smart

Today, I woke up to find out my house was robbed. He didn't steal anything of value, but he stole my beer, dog, and cat. FML

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By XxtentaculonxX - 8/12/2012 22:52 - United Kingdom - Oban

Today, I was chatting to a friend on Facebook about girls, and why we're single. We somehow ended up admitting to one another that we'd never get girlfriends, finding out that we both like hentai porn, and trading info on Japanese sex toys. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2010 17:13 - United States

Today, I was playing basketball in our company gym. I took a shot from half court, and at that exact moment, an executive walked into the gym with an important potential client. My shot bounced off the side of the backboard, off some bleachers, and right into the client's head. FML

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By enjoy - 13/10/2008 08:30

Today, I lost my cell phone. But found it again! And then dropped it in the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2009 06:43 - Canada

Today, when I walked into work all of my co-workers were giggling and asking "How was YOUR night last night?". Last night I had sex for the first time with someone I'm seeing secretly (with good reason). That person is my boss. He told everyone. FML

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By poopEVERYWHERE - 18/9/2009 14:27 - United States

Today, I heard my dad screaming in the hallway. Thinking he was having a heart attack I ran to the hall without looking where I was going. I slipped and slid towards my dad in what turned out to be a mass quantity of diarrhea from one of my two dogs. He was screaming because he stepped in it. FML

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By I suck :( - 7/5/2014 21:25 - United States - Louisville

Today, I was trolling on a My Little Pony forum. I was midway through typing a big post, calling them all a bunch of attention-seeking losers who act like morons because their parents never loved them, when I broke down in tears, realizing I'd just perfectly described myself. FML

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By GHEttoUp - 1/5/2019 02:00

Today, my husband and I are temporarily moved into a cheap apartment in town until settlement for the house we are buying. So far, from my balcony, I’ve a watched a drug deal take place and a man scratch at the ground then lick his hands. It’s going to be a long three weeks. FML

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By j0j0 - 15/1/2009 16:00 - France

Today, wanting to change from the usual pizza/coca cola menu, I decide to cook. After spending 1h30 making a "beef chili with ancho, mole, and cumin" I sprinkle a bit of salt on top of it. The top came off the salt. I think it's back to pizzas for me. FML

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By graduate - 6/6/2009 13:17 - United States

Today, I got a computer. When I opened it, I found out that my dad had made himself the administrator. He made it so everything shut off after 11 o'clock, and made it so I couldn't download anything without his password. FML

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By Icy - 25/10/2008 16:56

Lost

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on MSN when her roommate answered, "Sorry, this isn't Marie, she's at her boyfriend’s." Really? I've looked everywhere in my apartment, and I can’t find her. FML

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By Dummy - 21/11/2017 05:00

Today, I found out that the little red dots all over my body aren't some horrible disease like I originally thought. They're bedbug bites. I've managed to not notice a huge infestation for 5 months. FML

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By 2ndplacechamp - 1/6/2011 05:43 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were driving to a costume party. On the way, we got into an argument and she kicked me out of her car. I had to walk around the city center in an Iron Man outfit trying to find the party venue. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2015 21:26 - United States - Moorpark

Today, some popped-collar wearing shitbird tried to pick me up with the line, "You look like Marilyn Monroe's corpse! Wanna fuck?" FML

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By ugh - 1/12/2015 03:52 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, my mother went through my bag and found what she thought was rolling papers. I was yelled at and called a stupid pothead with no future. They were facial blotting papers. FML

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Top comments

By kujiens101 | 24

#7854612 - Monday 28 October 2019 5:50

I’ve been there. Get out while you still can.

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7854674 - Monday 28 October 2019 13:58

Just be the best you a be. If your coworker is really that bad then she will get enough complaints that’s she’s not on the phone anymore.

COMMENTS

By kujiens101 | 24

#7854612 - Monday 28 October 2019 5:50

I’ve been there. Get out while you still can.

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7854665 - Monday 28 October 2019 12:45

well if she gets paid for it she had every right to cry to the boss about it

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7854674 - Monday 28 October 2019 13:58

Just be the best you a be. If your coworker is really that bad then she will get enough complaints that’s she’s not on the phone anymore.

By JackFaire | 27

#7855002 - Tuesday 29 October 2019 16:31

"Today I found out my coworker is sleeping with the boss"