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Tantrum

By brokedad - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was questioned by police for forcing a 12-year-old to get in my car. That 12-year-old is my daughter, who refused to get in until I agree to buy her a highly expensive purse just to become popular. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 315

You deserved it 7 589

By Divorcee - 15/07/2019 04:02

Today, I learned that my wife had been cheating on me. What's worse? My kids found out three months before I did, and told me that they like him better than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 590

You deserved it 269

Quite rightly so

By Anonymous - 01/06/2022 04:00 - United States

Today, I was told my eldest grandson doesn't want me at his birthday party, nor does he want my gift. It would seem he and his younger brother still haven't forgiven me for my prank on Easter, when I tricked them into thinking I was taking them to the 'Big Neighborhood Egg Hunt', when really we were going to church. FML

I agree, your life sucks 287

You deserved it 3 955

By crapgirl - 18/04/2009 23:11 - United States

Today, I discovered the worst possible situation in which to get explosive diarrhea: on a 9-hour transatlantic flight. Next to an attractive single guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 139

You deserved it 3 767

By Former Professor - 21/07/2019 22:00

Today, I happily went to an interview after job searching for months. I learned a large part of my job would be cleaning the toilets. Every. Single. Hour. I used to lecture at a university until budget cuts happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 148

You deserved it 215

Cosy chat

By sick and awkward - 20/05/2012 06:11 - United States - Silver Spring

Spicy

Today, I was really sick. I had been sneezing all day and my skin had started to dry out. When my mom asked me if I needed anything, I immediately responded with "lotion and tissues," not realizing what I was suggesting. She then talked to me for 20 minutes about how "masturbation is okay." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 389

You deserved it 3 591

They do

By Anonymous - 24/07/2019 16:00

Today, my boyfriend told me he would be really disappointed if we had kids before we got married, because it would ruin our plans to go to Disney World for our honeymoon. Apparently, kids ruin vacations. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 212

You deserved it 1 203

Brief encounter

By anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I decided to adopt a 11 year-old dog that had been in need of a home for several months. Two hours after I got him home, I discovered him dead in the backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 269

You deserved it 4 067

Yummy

By Anonymous - 15/04/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I saw a commercial for some sort of meaty beef dish. The camera zoomed in and my mouth watered because it looked so delicious. Then flashed the next scene: Golden Retrievers running through a field, then eating from their bowl. My mouth just watered for a dog food commercial. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 508

You deserved it 24 501

By Lola - 29/07/2019 06:00

Today, for the third time, I’ve had to clean a puddle of pee from the bathroom floor. I live alone, and I’m a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 472

You deserved it 572

By gibbette - 28/04/2013 17:32 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his buddies that the main reason he got into video game modding was so he could put a virtual version of me in his games and "shoot the fuck out of that bitch". FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 605

You deserved it 7 326

Get me out of here

By seekerglow176 - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Natick

Spicy

Today, I had to go to the emergency room with my sister, due to involuntary muscle spasms she was having. They gave her a muscle relaxer which caused her to be extremely tired and loopy. She decided to start singing loudly with a song she made up about buttfucking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 697

You deserved it 5 357

Fashionista

By Anonymous - 14/05/2012 00:25 - United States - Newark

Spicy

Today, it's my birthday. All I wanted was birthday sex, but all my boyfriend could talk about was how great the new purse he got me was. I think he might like it more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 644

You deserved it 5 737

By EpicFailAtItsFinest - 13/04/2009 02:49 - United States

Today, I was working as a lifeguard. A woman began to have a seizure. Nervous, I went into shock and walked into a tree, knocking myself out. Post seizure, the woman stood up and walked away. Later, I woke up in the hospital. The ambulance had arrived to take her, but ended up taking me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 537

You deserved it 19 539

By PositiveElectron - 27/08/2015 19:52 - United States - Glen Allen

Today, my mom decided to show me her new rape whistle. She kept blowing it every couple of minutes while we were stuck in traffic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 705

You deserved it 1 524

By Anonymous - 09/09/2010 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my cousin came to visit from America. While out shopping, she said loudly that she was having trouble finding clothes to fit around her huge fanny, causing a lot of people to stare in our direction. I had to explain to her that "fanny" in the UK means "vagina." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 588

You deserved it 4 485

By JadeDemolition - 24/08/2015 01:40 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had my driver's permit in an envelope to keep it safe and a letter to mail out. I drove away from the post office with the letter in my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 682

You deserved it 8 816

By cowgirl927 - 18/04/2013 11:26 - United States

Today, I was on hold with the cable company for an hour. When I finally got someone, I walked into the kitchen to where it was quiet and slid across the floor, falling on my butt and losing my connection on the phone. My 2-year-old son had sprayed the floor with nonstick cooking spray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 761

You deserved it 6 474

cowgirl927 tells us more.

cowgirl927 3

Friday 19 April 2013 4:25

OP here. Hi. Just wanted to say that I am extremely overprotective of my son. The house IS baby-proofed. The spray is always put up...this was the one time someone(not me) didn't put it up on its shelf. And I wasn't ignoring him. This is your standard, garden-variety "I stepped out of the room for one minute" kind of deal. Most moms know exactly what I'm talking about. So chill out some of you.

Healthy lifestyle choice

By Rowaelin16 - 23/09/2016 03:31 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, in an effort to be fitter, I joined a Pilates class. Ten minutes into it, I dropped a 10-pound dumbbell on my face. I now have a horrific looking black eye, and half of my cheek is a mottled green color. Not to mention the cut above my eye that needed 4 stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 844

You deserved it 1 621

By Anonymous - 13/08/2019 18:01

Today, I was visiting my 8-year-old nephew, who told me he learned about fire safety today. I asked him what he'd do if there was a fire right now. He pushed me out of the way and I fell over, then he ran over me and out the front door, leaving me on the floor in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 535

You deserved it 376

Teamwork

By Ash_U - 19/08/2017 16:00

Today, I had to dig through my dog's poop again because I thought I saw a worm, but it was just the remains of the paper towels my husband leaves all over the house. My efforts to make them both stop have obviously fallen on deaf ears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 449

You deserved it 362

By Anonymous - 10/04/2013 09:06 - United States

Today, I was riding a new horse when a lawnmower starting up spooked her. She jumped straight up in the air and I landed directly on the saddle horn. I can't walk or feel anything between my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 018

You deserved it 4 229

By unluckiestperson - 29/08/2010 15:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my very expensive and beautiful smelling perfume attracts wasps. Whenever I go out, wherever I am, I am followed by multiple wasps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 762

You deserved it 6 282

Happy days

By Anonymous - 27/08/2019 16:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, I desperately needed a mental health day, so I took the day off work and got some junk food and wine. A few hours later, I'm in hospital with gallstones and pancreatitis, needing an emergency surgery. My mental health day turned into multiple weeks off work, and a lot of pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 603

You deserved it 227

By counselor - 25/08/2010 16:32 - United States

Today, I was working as a camp counselor helping a five year-old girl. I heard her mumble, "My grandpa is getting married on Saturday." I enthusiastically replied and told her how exciting that was! Only after did I realize that she'd said "buried." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 296

You deserved it 9 089

By fretting - 08/09/2016 17:02 - United States - Fort White

Today, my co-worker, who used to be in a frat with me in college, decided to tell all my coworkers as well as my boss all the stupid things I did in college, starting with the time a girl stole my clothes and I had to walk across campus naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 113

You deserved it 1 765

By stillAvirgin:( - 20/06/2011 01:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, I purchased an app to track my period. When my mother asked me why I got it, I told her I was going to use it so I knew when to not go on a date because I don't want to be uncomfortable during a long movie. She slapped me in the face and called me a dirty prostitute and a liar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 928

You deserved it 9 136

By Anonymous - 29/03/2013 04:38 - United States

Today, I nervously started a new job, and my co-workers were telling me silly rules about our boss. Later, I accidentally bumped into him, and blurted "Rule #7, don't touch George." He definitely heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 326

You deserved it 35 744

By vampire - 16/06/2011 20:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I was yelled at by my mum for not wanting to get a spray tan for my cousin's wedding because if I don't, I will "shine like a beacon of disrespect" among the other attendees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 417

You deserved it 3 578

By holycommander - 26/03/2013 20:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. I was woken up by my mother breaking into my house to tell me I need to get ready for work. Then she got mad that I had a girl over. I'm 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 691

You deserved it 5 145

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The Top

The Top

Today, I asked a girl that I've been talking to for a couple of weeks out, but immediately got rejected because I'm left handed. I guess I'll leave that part out next time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 776

You deserved it 843

Today, I was in a hurry to get something out of the oven, so I quickly grabbed my roommate's only oven mitt and grabbed the pan in the oven. It didn't take long to figure out there was a hole in it when my thumb hit the hot pan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 263

You deserved it 4 129

Today, I was outside eating my lunch when an old man pulled his pants down and took a dump on the sidewalk next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 683

You deserved it 3 030

Today, I planned a romantic dinner with rose petals, the whole lot, for my ex-girlfriend to win her back. When I took her to my house, I told her to guess what I had planned, to which she replied, "I hope it's not a stupid romantic dinner with rose petals and shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 042

You deserved it 15 057

Today, my coworker, who is constantly singing "Baby Shark," wanted to take selfie for her Instagram account. She moved all the junk from her desk to mine, so her desk would look great in the picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 795

You deserved it 248

Today, I thought I'd found the perfect parking spot at work for once. Turns out, it was actually perfect for the parade that was scheduled for later in the day. My car got towed to make way for marching bands and floats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 319

You deserved it 407