Intimacy: Today, I received a response to my perfectly straightforward... - FML

By sadlysingle - 21/02/2014 08:04 - United States - Rockwall

Spicy

Today, I received a response to my perfectly straightforward online dating profile: "How about changing a dirty diaper, mommy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 617

You deserved it 5 951

Taking stock

Vulture

Holy smokes

By Anon. - 28/03/2009 08:07 - United States

Today, for my girlfriend's birthday, I got her an external hard drive and my grandmother's engagement ring. When she opened both boxes, I took her hand and looked deep in her eyes and told her to pick whichever she wanted. She took the external hard drive, even though she already has one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 665

You deserved it 14 548

By natty - 16/03/2009 16:02 - United States

Today, I went to a party and the cops came to bust the party. I jumped out the window of a second story house in order to avoid getting arrested. I broke my leg in three places and got a concussion. The cops let everyone go with a warning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 250

You deserved it 203 110

Right Said Fred

By Anonymous - 05/09/2019 22:02

Spicy

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that he should sing the "I'm too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts…" song before we had sex. Now, every time we have sex, that song is going to be in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 676

You deserved it 1 868

By deadman - 16/08/2013 01:06 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my mom came into my room to give me a goodbye kiss. Due to the routine of my girlfriend doing the exact same thing in the exact same spot, I held the kiss way longer than what a mother/son kiss should last. My mom actually had to tell me to "let go". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 579

You deserved it 30 076

By thatoneguy - 05/09/2011 20:23 - United States

Today, a five year old that I am babysitting picked up a knife and said he would chop my nuts off if I didn't give him his ice cream before dinner. Only 5 more hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 385

You deserved it 3 457

By hhaannnnaahh - 13/02/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I bit into my egg sandwich, and when I looked back into it, there were 5 long, gray, hairs leading from the sandwich into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 911

You deserved it 3 491

By Anonymous - 12/04/2009 02:52 - United States

Today, I parked my car on the street to go to the gym. When I came back my car was blocked by a parade of people. I turned to a shop worker smoking a cigarette and said "Jesus! What the hell is going on?" I got many strange looks. It was a Good Friday parade lead by a local church. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 755

You deserved it 47 246

By Anonymous - 09/07/2012 10:37 - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I was listening to some Michael Jackson through my earphones when I saw this really cute girl. Trying to impress, I aproached her while doing some dance moves, not thinking about how unbelievably stupid it must have looked without the music. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 264

You deserved it 37 188

By Magicfml - 05/02/2017 20:00 - United States - Toledo

Today, I learned that my boyfriend is a better pole dancer than I am, despite daily practice. This was his first time trying it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 243

You deserved it 1 004

By MakeDonaldDrumpfAgain - 30/03/2016 05:24 - Canada - Guelph

Today, I discovered that my Dad's family very much supports Donald Trump. They tried to convince me to support his campaign by donating money. We're not even American. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 971

You deserved it 2 313

By civic4life - 17/09/2009 03:16 - United States

Today, it's my 17th birthday. I asked for a newer car because my car right now sucks. I got a book on photography. I don't own a camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 607

You deserved it 55 511

By moe472 - 24/01/2012 02:47 - United States

Today, my boss fired me because I look like her ex-boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 793

You deserved it 2 478

Go anyway, see the sights

By CrazedGunMan - 02/09/2020 19:01 - Panama - Panama

Today, I could finally get a plane ticket to go see the girl I have been talking to for the past 5 months. Just as I told her the exciting news, she told me that she was no longer interested in me. Guess that's 800 dollars down the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 370

You deserved it 576

Thanks for that, dad!

By Anonymous - 13/10/2019 01:00

Today, I mentioned to my family that I was sad about the fact that I was thirty-five years-old, single, and had no children. My father piped up from the next room, "What man in his right would want your lopsided tits, fat thighs, and fucked-up nose in their gene pool?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 393

You deserved it 227

By notacaveman - 16/04/2013 13:27 - Netherlands

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she had drunkenly slept with another guy last night. Since she seemed genuinely upset, and had confessed right away, I decided to forgive her the slip-up. She then angrily broke up with me, because "if I really loved her, I would've been more angry." FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 083

You deserved it 13 414

By bastards - 05/06/2014 20:05 - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, I babysat the brattiest and most foul-mouthed 8-year-old I've ever met. After I survived three hours of it, his parents finally came home. He claimed I'd invited a boy over and that we did "stuff" on the couch all evening. They believed him. I didn't get paid, to say the least. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 951

You deserved it 4 197

By Anonymous - 11/02/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a couple of months texted me that she was very sad because her puppy had just passed away. Feeling sorry for her, I bought her another puppy of the same breed. I wrapped it in a blanket and placed it on the passenger seat and went to pick her up from school. She sat on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 927

You deserved it 8 788

By Anonymous - 16/05/2013 10:51 - Australia

Today, I registered on an irritable bowel support group, unknowingly linking it to my Facebook wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 225

You deserved it 11 274

By qwerty - 05/05/2009 20:39 - United States

Today, I walked outside to get the newspaper and slipped on the icy driveway. Because I was wearing boxers and a robe, my legs got all scraped up. After much cursing, I got the paper and went inside. The headline read "Caution: Icy Conditions". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 149

You deserved it 9 109

Tough one

By Anonymous - 11/11/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, after I recently jabbed in the spine by a nail, cracking the bone and causing some spinal cord damage, I can now still walk, but I'm now incapable of getting an erection, potentially forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 703

You deserved it 72

By Johna Richardson - 30/07/2017 20:00

Today, after my boyfriend ignored me for hours playing video games, he gave me some attention for a little bit. When I tried to run my fingers through his hair, I missed and punched him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 876

You deserved it 798

By shiiiiit - 15/11/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I was having trouble blowing out the last of the several candles on my bedside table. Exasperated, I blew as hard as I could, which sent hot wax from the other candles shooting into the air, all over my face and into my eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 104

You deserved it 12 479

FOOTBALL player reveals TRUTH!

By fml9124 - 28/01/2021 20:01

Today, I told my wife Philip Rivers retired. Being born and bred in Baltimore, she hates anything Colts now. "Philip is a stupid name", she says. I pointed out my middle name is Philip. She laughed, then said, "Are you serious?" We've been married 33 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 781

You deserved it 108

Run run run

By runner - 14/11/2009 07:15 - United States

Today, I went for a run in a new pair of shoes that left me with huge blisters. As I finished cleaning them up so they could heal, I limped to my bed to take a nap. I was woken by the fire alarm. My building was having a drill and we couldn't use the elevators. I live on the 9th floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 927

You deserved it 3 752

By anonymous - 03/08/2009 07:37 - Taiwan

Today, my cousins and I were bored so we began talking about weird dreams we've had. My little cousin turns to me and says "I had a dream you were in a beauty contest. You lost badly". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 414

You deserved it 5 025

By dancer, not a hooker... - 05/05/2013 05:01 - Canada - Penticton

Today, I finished a dance competition. With competitions, it requires you to wear a lot of makeup like false eyelashes and red lipstick. I went into a Starbucks to get a coffee and a boy around 18 asked me, in all seriousness, what my rate is for one night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 500

You deserved it 11 638

Sinking feeling

By Cheesey_Dorito - 10/09/2018 14:30

Today, I couldn't find the keys to open the store I work at. The resulting stress gave me chest pains that ended up sending me to the hospital. I still missed work and my father found the keys under the passenger seat in his car. The same seat I sat in on the way to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 526

You deserved it 484

By Anonymous - 06/03/2014 02:09 - United Kingdom - Portsmouth

Today, I was walking through town with my hood up and noticed people giving me funny looks. It wasn't until I got home that I realised the umbrella I was holding over my head had been closed the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 196

You deserved it 16 801

By lollipopgreen - 01/10/2011 12:33 - United States

Today, I walked into a gas station to get a bag of chips. Upon moving towards the counter to pay, I noticed the cashier had what looked like a golf ball stuffed in his cheek. I said to him in a joking manner, "That's a huge pinch of dip!" His reply, "It's mouth cancer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 594

You deserved it 51 619

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 06:24 - France

Today, I signed my own plaster-cast to make people believe that I actually have friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 810

You deserved it 7 674

Sounds illegal

By Anonymous - 03/10/2019 00:01

Today, I got a lot of tips at work, but little did I know our boss takes it out of our paychecks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 873

You deserved it 115

Leave it to the pros

By Anonymous - 05/11/2021 00:01 - United States - Epsom

Today, I was attempting to tame my bushy eyebrows, since I'm starting a new job in a few days and need to look somewhat presentable, when I poked myself in the eye. Hard. I thought I’d blinded myself for a few moments. Now it’s just red, sore and watery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 711

You deserved it 178

By monsterinlaw - 23/08/2011 14:51 - United States

Today, my obnoxious mother-in-law berated me in front of my husband's family for still working while pregnant. She says I'm harming the baby by not quitting. I'm only 4 months pregnant and I work as a nurse at a hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 148

You deserved it 2 627

Hangry time

By ohforcheese - 19/01/2012 20:19 - United States

Today, I learned that when microwaveable pizzas say, "Caution, hot after cooking" what they really mean is that you should be prepared for the cardboard tray to fall apart when you try to pick it up and that boiling hot cheese is going to run down your arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 559

You deserved it 8 517

By Anonymous - 17/01/2016 07:26 - United States - Blair

Today, I found out that the only reason I'm alive is because my dad beat the living shit out of my mom to stop her getting an abortion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 202

You deserved it 1 867

Great guy

By Anonymous - 10/06/2020 23:10

Today, my husband has been super happy for the last 11 weeks, as he's been able to tell me what to do, when to do it and how to do it. Now I'm allowed to start work again, he's gone back to being super shitty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 744

You deserved it 338

By Anonymous - 21/10/2018 16:00 - United States - Trenton

Today, I told my girlfriend I wanted to tell her something important. Coincidentally, she did too. She wanted to tell me that she thinks she's actually gay. I wanted to tell her I love her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 196

You deserved it 220

By snowbum69 - 15/12/2013 08:38 - United States - Meridian

Today, I went skiing with a girl I like. On the lift I asked her out. She said no. Halfway up the lift stopped. We were stuck up there for nearly an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 354

You deserved it 5 821

By Anonymous - 09/01/2013 07:02 - Israel

Today, my dad made a voodoo doll out of a melon. This seems to happen a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 516

You deserved it 2 742

By Anonymous - 10/05/2012 20:33 - United States - Walpole

Today, I was at a restaurant with my kids. I told my 13 year old about how the very first time she said she loved me. She was 2 and it was at this very restaurant. I told her the details and even started tearing up a little. She didn't even look up from her cell phone and said, "That's fab, ma." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 153

You deserved it 8 751

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Top comments

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Friday 21 February 2014 15:20

And that is when you pretend you didn't see the message and never reply...

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Friday 21 February 2014 15:46

That's a panty dropper for sure.

Comments

rainbowlove272 5

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Friday 21 February 2014 15:20

Gotta love infantilism.

laden_swallow09 34

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Friday 21 February 2014 16:51

You can. I don't have to.

Send a private message

Saturday 24 March 2018 12:51

no, I can respect that we all have different things we are into, but I absolutely can not love that particular kink.

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Friday 21 February 2014 15:20

There are so many implications behind that question, and I'm not sure which is worse.

1two3four5six 23

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Monday 5 May 2014 1:24

I think the only implication is that the person who sent the message is into infantilism

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Friday 21 February 2014 15:20

And that is when you pretend you didn't see the message and never reply...

HersheySquirts 17

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Friday 21 February 2014 18:17

Or reply to him and say your a tranny and not only can you be mommy, you can be daddy too.

RockyLovesARacer 38

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Friday 21 February 2014 15:21

Did you put on your profile that you are a Mom? Lol

silvercamaro 22

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Friday 21 February 2014 16:48

"I received a response to my perfectly straight forward profile" I'm gunna go with no.

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Friday 21 February 2014 15:23

Well, he /is/ a dirty boy. He might also ask you to spank him when he's been naughty.

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Friday 21 February 2014 15:26

Block him OP

abhi95 31

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Friday 21 February 2014 15:27

And there you go: consequences of straightforwardness in a twisted world!

dragoongirl90 34

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Saturday 26 March 2016 3:23

How is this a consequence of being straightforward? This is called the insane, sick fuck not even reading the profile and ignoring her straightforwardness.

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Friday 21 February 2014 15:30

How the fuck would any woman find that attractive?

Panchovilla64 6

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Friday 21 February 2014 15:43

hey ma I just shit myself wanna come and clean it? does this sound better?

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Friday 21 February 2014 15:46

That's a panty dropper for sure.

Send a private message

Friday 21 February 2014 22:05

Some people are into weird shit. Personally I wouldn't be happy with that message. ... I might be the one that SENT the message, but that's totally different. As I said, women are into some weird shit.

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Saturday 22 February 2014 0:20

I was thinking that he was speaking sardonically because her profile stated she was a single mom, and he was just being a douche. thats what i interpreted from it at least

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Sunday 23 February 2014 11:40

Some women are Dominate figures and like to have baby boys. I am a baby girl with a Daddy dom. It all depends on what you're into. Some people like BDSM, some don't for example.

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Friday 21 February 2014 15:43

Mommy issues perhaps?

LinkandSaria 10

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Friday 21 February 2014 15:43

Some people... Keep looking for a date OP. Good luck

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 8

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 337

You deserved it 909

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 1 105