Today, I was ringing an elderly gentleman up at work. As I went... - FML

By Anonymous - 4/2/2014 21:42 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I was ringing an elderly gentleman up at work. As I went to package up the buns he ordered, he held up a hand and told me to wait. He then looked me in the eyes, started squeezing them, then winked and told me to go ahead. I've never felt so violated. FML

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Proactive

Out of it

Incognito browsing

By Anonymous - 3/5/2013 00:50 - United States - Acworth

Today, my wife shaved her pubic hair so that it resembles Hitler's mustache. She won't stop referring to it as "the Clitler". FML

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By xerrika - 3/6/2014 11:56 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I finally finished a drawing that someone had asked and said they would pay me for. I worked on it for multiple hours and was very proud of it. When it came to discussing payment, I asked what his best offer was. A pack of cigarettes. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2011 22:06 - United States

Today, I went to my dad and new stepmom's house for the week. Upon arrival, I was handed mouthwash, deodorant, and lice shampoo. The guest bed I was told I'd be sleeping in was fitted with a plastic mattress cover. I don't have lice and I don't wet the bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2015 17:18 - United States - Birmingham

Today, a few weeks after teaching my dog to fetch my phone and drop it in my lap, he decided to do it spontaneously. Too bad I was in the bath at the time. There goes a $300 phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2020 20:04

High school drama

Today, I found out the promise ring my boyfriend of 4 months gave me used to be his ex-girlfriend's. FML

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By jackjona - 16/12/2016 06:03 - United States - Sioux Falls

Today, I closed the store on my own for the first time. As I was locking the front door, the key broke. Now half the key is stuck and the door is still unlocked. I have to stay until we open in the morning and I'm not getting paid for it. FML

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By fmlll - 28/8/2009 15:08 - United States

Today, I wanted to be creative. I hid an engagement ring for my girlfriend inside one of her running shoes. I expected her to find it and wake me up, but she didn't. Later, when I asked if there was anything in her shoe, she responded, "There was a rock. I just shook it out outside. Why?" FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2010 21:50 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She came over to see me one last time. We hugged for minutes and cried; it was a touching moment. Just after she left, I realized my wallet that I had on the table beside us was gone. FML

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By Dj sMoZ! - 15/2/2011 15:30

Today, my girlfriend found an enormous rose arrangement in the back seat of my car. The flowers were from my fire chief to his wife. I forgot to deliver them. I now have to replace them since my girlfriend thinks I got them for her. The arrangement cost $225. FML

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By Ciabatta - 20/11/2008 11:10 - France

Today, it's my one year anniversary with my husband. I put on a sexy outfit, red dress and slinky underwear, and waited for him to get home. He walked in the door and asked me with a quizzical look if I was going out tonight. FML

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By Bechara - 13/6/2011 09:11 - Pakistan

Today, I overheard my girlfriend telling her friend "Actually, its a good thing she died, she was quite a bitch." She was talking about my mother. FML

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By Man Shamed - 29/6/2019 10:00 - United States - Hyattsville

Today, while using the bathroom in a small coffee shop, I somehow passed out sitting on the toilet. There is nothing more jarring than waking up to the vicious banging of 7 angry, urine-filled patrons attempting to break down a door. FML

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By Heknowsnothing - 13/7/2016 21:09 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got my giant Game of Thrones tattoo finished. Despite the fact that I had spelt it out for him, the artist wrote 'You no nothing John Snow'. It's the focal part of the tattoo. FML

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By Gabi - 9/1/2010 18:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent about half an hour trying to decide whether to buy a top, because even though it was lovely, it was really expensive. Eventually, after deciding to buy it because I could always return it if I changed my mind, I got home and realised I'd left it on the bus. FML

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By LexiBoBexi - 12/7/2010 05:38 - United States

Today, my family and I went to the coast. Our dog was off the leash because we were the only people around. He was delighted to find a dead seal carcass and roll around in its remains. We then had a 3 hour drive home. FML

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By FMyCountry - 24/4/2017 14:00

Today, during a football match, the referee declared a goal as invalid. The dad of the kid who scored didn't agree, which led to an all-out fight among all the kids' parents. FML

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By billiams15 - 6/5/2012 21:57 - United States - Katy

Today, I got my colonoscopy results back. I had hoped they'd show what's been causing my stomach pains for the last few weeks, but instead it turns out that my colon is healthy and normal. I basically got cornholed for no goddamn reason. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2014 16:28 - United States - Portland

Today, I thought it would be cute to put on a Santa hat and ask my crush what he wanted for Christmas. He said "A girlfriend." I took off my Santa hat and yelled "Ta-da!" He added, "An ATTRACTIVE girlfriend." FML

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By devigsgirl - 26/8/2010 04:08 - United States

Today, I found out that the only reason my boyfriend wants to move in with me is so he has better internet connection and won't get kicked off of Xbox live while playing MW2. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2019 14:00

Just a question

Today while I was about to go into the shower, my mom walked in on me while I was naked. She looked down and asked me if I was cold. FML

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By notapervert - 28/2/2013 07:57 - United States - Santa Rosa

Small talk fail

Today, I managed to score a date for the first time in over a year, and was very nervous. When I was asked what I do for a living, I laughed nervously, and then blurted out, "Finger women." What I was trying to jokingly say was that I'm a gynecologist. FML

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By Julianapilikusplatosophophes - 11/7/2015 03:49 - Australia - Kew

Today, at 3 in the morning, I was getting out of bed to use the bathroom, when my boyfriend grabbed my arm, looked at me wide-eyed and begged, "Don't... They'll take your skin..." He doesn't remember saying it, and now I'm scared shitless to use the bathroom at night. FML

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By Danny - 28/5/2012 18:02 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I realised that my body has its own masturbation cycle; while I was out shopping, I heard the intro music to my room-mate's favourite video game, and popped an uncontrollable boner. FML

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By Firewielder - 11/2/2015 02:26 - United States - Midland

Today, I found out the only reason my parents want me to live with them is because of the tax refund. FML

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By thissucks - 1/3/2009 19:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, stilettos and see-through thong. After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. I answered it, whip in hand. It was my dad. He forgot his keys. I'm grounded. FML

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By CaoNiMa - 26/3/2009 15:42 - China

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we we're watching a movie in my basement. I run upstairs and pop a bag of popcorn. Later I come downstairs to find my 10 year old brother sitting next to my girlfriend saying," My brother always says he wants to screw your brains out, whatever that means". FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2017 18:25 - Australia - Brisbane

Growing old gracefully

Today, I found out that as I get closer to 40, I often need to wipe my arse when I fart. FML

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By douchegamer - 3/3/2013 03:38 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, after an argument with my pianist girlfriend about how bad my favourite song would sound on the piano, she stormed out of the room crying, leaving behind a CD. It was the piano version of the song she'd made for me. FML

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By DeepFriedZombie - 9/8/2016 00:18

Today, I went to my first job interview. I didn't think I was doing too badly, until the interviewer said, "Wait a second, you're in high school?" I explained that the guy who'd called me had said that this wouldn't be a problem. I then watched as my interviewer left his desk to "deal" with him. FML

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By Ashlee - 15/2/2010 15:21 - United States

Today, while on a date with my boyfriend, he broke up with me. The reason why? Because I took a dump in his bathroom and "that's inappropriate for girls." FML

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By - 26/3/2019 00:00

Today, my husband told me that, to feel less unreliable, he was just going to stop saying he was going to do anything around the house. That way, when he actually did something (i.e. wash dishes), I could be pleasantly surprised. FML

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By groomfail - 2/3/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend, whom I was madly in love with, by having a plane fly over her house spelling "Marry me Abby?". After seeing this, she locked herself in her room and cried for 4 hours exclaiming that this wasn't how she wanted to be proposed to. I had invited my entire family. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2011 00:53 - Canada

Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML

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By tadam - 10/11/2008 09:11 - France

Today, to my delight I discover that there is security camera in the storage room at my work. The same room where, two days ago I masturbated. FML

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By Getthelysol - 10/10/2018 05:00

Today, I gave my 8-month-old a bath in the kitchen sink after dinner, like I always do. Today, she decided to poop in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 17:09 - United States

Today, my entire family of five is sharing one roll of toilet paper. My parents refuse to buy any, because my father can get it free from his work. He's forgotten to bring any home every day without fail for the past seven days. FML

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By dogproblems - 27/1/2015 15:09 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I shaved my beard in preparation for an important work conference. Now my dog won't stop growling and barking at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 17:00 - United Stated - Portland

Stormy weather

Today, I was about to have sex with my long-term boyfriend, when it started to rain. He was so interested in the storm that he left me half naked to look outside. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2013 21:18 - United States

Today, I was reading in my apartment. Due to a heatwave and my lack of AC, I was completely naked. My cat jumped onto my lap, and as her claws dug into my stomach, I recoiled. This caused her to retreat, clawing at my nether regions in the process. My pussy mauled my pussy. FML

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By Dilly_20 - 22/2/2011 18:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why I'd be angry if he had a foursome with 3 other people. FML

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Top comments

By CommanderCman1 | 15

#5848908 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:23

Be happy those are the only buns he squeezed.

By awkwardloveannie | 28

#5848942 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:30

you violated? imagine how the buns must feel! and Theyre going home with him

COMMENTS

By CommanderCman1 | 15

#5848908 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:23

Be happy those are the only buns he squeezed.

Reply

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5849015 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 3:32

hehe... for now.

Reply

andrewturtle | 16

#5849020 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 3:40

Plot twist: sports_guy3 is the old man.

Reply

smokecloud_ | 37

#5849021 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 3:41

Seems more like something perdix would do..

Reply

jellybeens_fml | 16

#5849169 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 7:37

We'll imagine how the buns feel.. They have to go home with him.

Reply

MrsDruidess | 23

#5849185 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 8:21

right!! Come on OP, harmless flirting. If thats the most violated you have ever felt, than you are blessed.

By Bulldozer36 | 21

#5848909 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:23

Sucks to be you but I hope I'm still able to get frisky when I'm old like that guy.

Reply

smokecloud_ | 37

#5849022 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 3:43

I'm with you. I'm going to be one of those crazy pervy old ladies and blame it on my senility! (spelling? real word?) I can't wait!

Reply

FangirlingAlways | 14

#5849097 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 5:02

When you're old you have all the excuses in the world.

By Federgirl | 19

#5848919 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:25

that guys a creep!

Reply

colton_colton | 49

#5849045 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 4:15

Just a lil' bit!

By xblaine | 17

#5848926 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:26

Pedophile alert.

Reply

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5849012 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 3:29

Pervert alert.

Reply

DropTheDaggerxx | 31

#5849080 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 4:44

Unless OP is a prepubescent child, no. "Pedophile" isn't synonymous with "creepy old pervert".

By olpally | 32

#5848927 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:27

Call the cops. What a freak!

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5848965 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:43

For what?

Nothing illegal was done, nor was OP actually violated or harassed. You need to calm down.

Reply

JaegerMayCry | 13

#5849144 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 6:29

#5 reminds me of the lady who called 911 because McDonalds ran out of chicken mcnuggets.

Reply

Traitoro | 9

#5849427 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 14:49

Ya 43, this morning someone called the cops because their fire alarm wouldn't stop ringing.

Reply

ivydindy13 | 14

#5850088 - Thursday 6 February 2014 6:07

Well, if there really was a fire then that's a big difference...

By 746278Ab | 14

#5848929 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:27

When your old you can do whatever you want...

Reply

micgelleya | 15

#5849109 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 5:13

*you're

Reply

buckstop1 | 37

#6274320 - Sunday 26 April 2015 21:19

Exactly the point

By HopelesslyCiara5 | 19

#5848930 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:27

Is your father a baker? Because you've got the hottest buns I've ever seen. :P

By kinky44 | 28

#5848941 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:30

Ja! Buns and ties!

Reply

kinky44 | 28

#5848971 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:47

Waiting to see if anyone remembers this joke from Spongebob. . .

Reply

arandomusernameaa | 20

#5849806 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 22:47

*Still Waiting...* yeh this could take some time ;)

Reply

RobertoZ | 5

#5850116 - Thursday 6 February 2014 7:34

Well at least he didnt steal a balloon.

By awkwardloveannie | 28

#5848942 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:30

you violated? imagine how the buns must feel! and Theyre going home with him

By blancoing | 14

#5848946 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:33

maybe he just was imagining they were some other buns... fyl

Reply

jellybeens_fml | 16

#5849164 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 7:29

You don't say??

Reply

HammyBear13 | 8

#5849196 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 8:57

45, you look like a guy who would do this.......o.0......

Reply

jellybeens_fml | 16

#5851825 - Saturday 8 February 2014 8:36

Am I sexy of wats