Love: Today, I was ringing an elderly gentleman up at work. As I went... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I was ringing an elderly gentleman up at work. As I went to package up the buns he ordered, he held up a hand and told me to wait. He then looked me in the eyes, started squeezing them, then winked and told me to go ahead. I've never felt so violated. FML

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Serious times

Good kid

Lobbied

By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was Halloween, and I was giving candy to kids. When a group of kids who looked like they were around 4 years old came up to me and said, "Hey mister, do you have one of those things that make it look like you are fat under your shirt?" I didn't have one of those, but I lied and said, "Yes." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Chester

Keep your secrets, do your own laundry

Today, I found out that before my grandma washes my clothes, she smells my underwear to "make sure they're dirty." FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my daughter came up to me crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she had a fight with her imaginary boyfriend. She's 16. I raised this child. FML

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By SickSmick - United Kingdom

Today, I have the flu, food poisoning and I'm on my period. I have enough liquids pouring out of me from various holes to satisfy a sewer. FML

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By Pumpkin - United States

Today, I found out that my son is not really gay. He just told me that so I'd let him have girls in his bedroom. FML

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By AintEasyBeinWheezy - United States

Today, while driving me to the hospital because I was having an asthma attack, my mother lit a cigarette. FML

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By beat10 - United States

Today, I was fired for "customer dissatisfaction." I work in IT and have never met one of my company's customers. FML

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By d.stack - United States

Today, I ran sound for my ex's wedding rehearsal since I was the only sound tech in town. Her dad was late for the rehearsal, so the pastor had me to walk her down the aisle. FML

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By burrito kid - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, as I was taking the driver's test to get my license, I backed into a car. It belonged to the instructor sitting in my passenger seat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I smacked my head against the faucet. I now have a lump the size of a goose egg on my head. I'm not sure if it's going to hatch, or if that's just the brain damage talking. FML

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By LadySteveMartin - United States - Woonsocket

Today, I finally had the best sex I've ever had with this really hot guy I've been hanging out with lately. I thought everything was all well and good until he turned to me and said, "You know, your orgasm face kinda reminds me of Steve Martin, but in a good way." FML

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By adc2502

That was short-lived.

Today, after getting my first debit card, I spent £60 on porn online. My mum made me print off a statement at the ATM as she wanted to know where my money had gone. She saw everything and cut up my card. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, my boss refused my resignation and acted like nothing had happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2021 17:01

Soon…

Today, my 16 year-old nephew gave me advice on how to get laid. At age 30, I'm still a virgin. FML

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By sad-sexed - Australia

Today, I was lying on my bed with my boyfriend. I didn't really want to have sex so I told him I would if he really wanted too, but I wouldn't enjoy it. He then started to undo my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got my first tip. It was a Mentos. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2020 12:02 - Canada - Ottawa

It wasn't me

Today, my mom blamed me for her family knowing about my dad cheating on her. She has forgiven him after multiple affairs with different ladies, yet she blames me that her family found out because they question her decision to be with him. FML

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By knevs - United States

Today, my mom sold our electronic stuff to pay for hurricane shutters. We live in Chicago. FML

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By Ashes to ashes - 16/10/2020 05:01

Oh, hi grandma!

Today, I woke up to what seemed like dirt on my face. Not dirt. It was cremated remains. My memory charm had broken open in my sleep. FML

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By ceedee - United States

Today, I was pondering the meaning of life - why I'm here, why anyone is here, why go on, and whether it's worth it... Then it hit me. The football in the head, not the meaning of life. FML

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By guest - United States

Today, my wife decided that to help her stop smoking, she's also giving up the things that make her crave a cigarette. Sex is one of them. FML

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By fmlfmlfml - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend rekindled the romance with his ex, at my 21st birthday party. One of the few reasons I'd invited her was to show that I trusted him, and I no longer felt threatened by their continued friendship. FML

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By whyyyyyy - 21/5/2021 08:01 - United States

Bouncing off the walls

Today, I'd always suspected my mother in law hated me. My suspicions were confirmed when I went to pick up my son from her house after work. She smiled smugly and let me know that he’d been asleep since noon. It’s after 5. He’s never going to get back to sleep now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had dinner with my family at a fancy restaurant. They kept commenting about how cold it was and asked the waitress to turn off the air conditioning. When I got home, I realized the embroidered daisies on my undershirt made it look like I have giant protruding nipples. FML

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By NickC - Malaysia

Today, my girlfriend's parents wanted to cook dinner for me. After a whole day of cooking up a storm, her parents cooked an elaborate meal of roast lamb, pork chops and grilled chicken. Rejecting a meal is like spitting in ones face in Chinese culture. I'm vegetarian. FML

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By Walking in a Winter Wonderland - United States - Jupiter

Today, my dandruff got so bad that when I sneezed on the bus, it created a "blizzard" of dandruff, covering me, and two others in it. I'm now known as "Winter Wonderland". FML

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By esk - China

Today, I got my medical checkup back. Apparently, I'm diagnosed with a liver condition generally found in alcoholics. I've never drank in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Southlake

Today, my mother called me, telling me how disappointed she was at how I let my room "become such a pigsty." I haven't lived there in three years. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I had woken up very excited to celebrate my 21st birthday. I roll over in bed and ask my boyfriend if we can go out to the park to have a picnic, considering the lovely weather. He looked up at me and said, "You wish I loved you that much." He rolled back over and slept until 3 p.m. FML

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By workfordayzz - United States

Today, I realized that because of my construction job, I have spent such a huge amount of time with older, cynical guys that I keep uncontrollably using the phrase "fucking kids these days" regularly like an idiot. I'm 18. FML

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By Alex

Today, I was working at my job at a bank. A couple was waiting in the lobby, and not being busy, I asked what they needed. They told me that they were applying for a loan, so I asked if it was for something exciting. It was to pay for their 12-year-old son's burial expenses. FML

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By Lara - Italy - Empoli

Today, my boyfriend told me he still has the key to our mailbox, while being at the other part of the country. Not to worry though, he sent it over. By mail. FML

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By Dog_Lover - Canada - Montreal

Today, a friend informed me that my dog's name means "penis" in Greek. I live in a predominantly Greek neighbourhood, and apparently I've been screaming for "dong" every evening for the past 3 years. No wonder they don't talk to me much. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I ate dinner sitting on the floor. My petty roommate got pissed off during the weekend and decided the appropriate action would be to lock all the furniture in her room and refuse to give it back. FML

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By apparently inexperienced - United States - Brockton

Today, after what I thought was an amazing sex session with my boyfriend, he let out a big sigh and told me I need to watch more porn. FML

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By Dang-ItsDanielle - United States

Today, I was pushing my 4 year old on the swing. I did what we call our "under doggie push": I throw her up in the air while I run underneath her before she hits me coming back down. I walked away to get my water and she yelled across the park "Can we do it doggie-style again?" FML

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By lefthandspanker - United States - Craig

Today, my slightly batshit insane grandma called me disgusting and unladylike. Why? For writing with my left hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I underwent surgery and feeling rather groggy upon being awoken, I very loudly declared, "I've always had a thing for doctors. Kiss me?" then promptly giggled, tried to launch myself in a random doctor's arms and fell flat on my face. FML

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By mandieee

Today, I had my first shift as a server at a restaurant after getting stuck behind an accident and arriving late, apologizing profusely. Apparently no one knew I'd been hired but I was still yelled at for tardiness. They then made me clean a fridge for 4 hours and paid me in pizza. FML

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By SBae - United States - Uniontown

Today, I waited for the single bathroom for a very long time. I finally knocked on the door and found no one was in there. FML

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Top comments

By CommanderCman1 | 15

#5848908 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:23

Be happy those are the only buns he squeezed.

By awkwardloveannie | 28

#5848942 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:30

you violated? imagine how the buns must feel! and Theyre going home with him

COMMENTS

By CommanderCman1 | 15

#5848908 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:23

Be happy those are the only buns he squeezed.

Reply

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5849015 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 3:32

hehe... for now.

Reply

andrewturtle | 16

#5849020 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 3:40

Plot twist: sports_guy3 is the old man.

Reply

smokecloud_ | 37

#5849021 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 3:41

Seems more like something perdix would do..

Reply

jellybeens_fml | 16

#5849169 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 7:37

We'll imagine how the buns feel.. They have to go home with him.

Reply

MrsDruidess | 23

#5849185 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 8:21

right!! Come on OP, harmless flirting. If thats the most violated you have ever felt, than you are blessed.

By Bulldozer36 | 21

#5848909 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:23

Sucks to be you but I hope I'm still able to get frisky when I'm old like that guy.

Reply

smokecloud_ | 37

#5849022 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 3:43

I'm with you. I'm going to be one of those crazy pervy old ladies and blame it on my senility! (spelling? real word?) I can't wait!

Reply

FangirlingAlways | 14

#5849097 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 5:02

When you're old you have all the excuses in the world.

By Federgirl | 19

#5848919 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:25

that guys a creep!

Reply

colton_colton | 49

#5849045 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 4:15

Just a lil' bit!

By xblaine | 17

#5848926 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:26

Pedophile alert.

Reply

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5849012 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 3:29

Pervert alert.

Reply

DropTheDaggerxx | 31

#5849080 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 4:44

Unless OP is a prepubescent child, no. "Pedophile" isn't synonymous with "creepy old pervert".

By olpally | 32

#5848927 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:27

Call the cops. What a freak!

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5848965 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:43

For what?

Nothing illegal was done, nor was OP actually violated or harassed. You need to calm down.

Reply

JaegerMayCry | 13

#5849144 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 6:29

#5 reminds me of the lady who called 911 because McDonalds ran out of chicken mcnuggets.

Reply

Traitoro | 9

#5849427 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 14:49

Ya 43, this morning someone called the cops because their fire alarm wouldn't stop ringing.

Reply

ivydindy13 | 14

#5850088 - Thursday 6 February 2014 6:07

Well, if there really was a fire then that's a big difference...

By 746278Ab | 14

#5848929 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:27

When your old you can do whatever you want...

Reply

micgelleya | 15

#5849109 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 5:13

*you're

Reply

buckstop1 | 37

#6274320 - Sunday 26 April 2015 21:19

Exactly the point

By HopelesslyCiara5 | 19

#5848930 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:27

Is your father a baker? Because you've got the hottest buns I've ever seen. :P

By kinky44 | 28

#5848941 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:30

Ja! Buns and ties!

Reply

kinky44 | 28

#5848971 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:47

Waiting to see if anyone remembers this joke from Spongebob. . .

Reply

arandomusernameaa | 20

#5849806 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 22:47

*Still Waiting...* yeh this could take some time ;)

Reply

RobertoZ | 5

#5850116 - Thursday 6 February 2014 7:34

Well at least he didnt steal a balloon.

By awkwardloveannie | 28

#5848942 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:30

you violated? imagine how the buns must feel! and Theyre going home with him

By blancoing | 14

#5848946 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:33

maybe he just was imagining they were some other buns... fyl

Reply

jellybeens_fml | 16

#5849164 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 7:29

You don't say??

Reply

HammyBear13 | 8

#5849196 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 8:57

45, you look like a guy who would do this.......o.0......

Reply

jellybeens_fml | 16

#5851825 - Saturday 8 February 2014 8:36

Am I sexy of wats