Today, I was ringing an elderly gentleman up at work. As I went... - FML

By Anonymous - 4/2/2014 21:42 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I was ringing an elderly gentleman up at work. As I went to package up the buns he ordered, he held up a hand and told me to wait. He then looked me in the eyes, started squeezing them, then winked and told me to go ahead. I've never felt so violated. FML

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No one likes a smart-ass

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Who's a good boy?

By Anonymous - 5/7/2013 23:34 - United States - Houston

Today, I was telling my girlfriend about how my parents are flying out to Japan today on vacation. She was shocked at how short the flight will be, because "It's on the other side of the world." We live in the USA, and it seems I'm dating a Flat Earther. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2019 00:00 - United States - Grove City

Today, a childhood friend reached out to me to apologize for our friendship. He was obviously drunk, and admitted that his parents made him become friends with me so that my dad, their landlord, would be easy on them when the rent was short after his mom lost her job. He said he never really liked me and called me a nerd, before hanging up. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2012 02:07 - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

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By FootInMyMouth - 13/2/2016 22:56 - United States - Miami

Today, a customer brought his cat in to be euthanized. I told him to "have a nice day" as he was leaving. FML

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By Elayne Warthen - 25/4/2018 01:30

Today, I found out my soon-to-be husband and father of my unborn child is already married to another man. FML

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By anonymous - 22/4/2011 05:20

Today, I watched a YouTube video at work because I was bored. I forgot I was on a conference call and my computer's desktop was shared with 15 other people. No one said anything till it ended. FML

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By thompson773 - 20/4/2009 04:53 - United States

Today, I was sick on an airplane. As we were taking off, I felt like I was ready to hurl. I was sitting in the window seat and was unable to get up in time to go to the bathroom so I was forced to grab the nearest container to puke in. It was a glass of juice belonging to the woman next to me. FML

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By superjesse006 - 10/10/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I was fired from a job I didn't have. The manager in charge of calling me to tell me if I got the job never called, and never called me back when I left messages. The only time he called me was to fire me for not coming to orientation, which, by the way, he never called to tell me about. FML

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By meagainsttheworld - 26/10/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, while filling out some medical forms, I was asked for an emergency contact. I realized I didn't have anyone who would actually care enough to be my contact. FML

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By georgiana072 - 22/9/2009 07:36 - Philippines

Today, as I was coming out of the ladies' room, I saw a guy glancing at me. A few minutes later, I saw him coming at me at a fast rate. I decided to run from him. As I got out of the building and into a cab, I saw him from the window waving my phone at me. He was just trying to return it. FML

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By angry asthmatic - 22/12/2018 14:00 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, we had an emergency lockdown in my gym class. As a result, we had to go into the boys' locker room, so naturally, it smelled like a fart in there. Some dumbass had a "brilliant" idea to spray a WHOLE FUCKING CAN OF AXE SPRAY in the locker room. I have asthma. FML

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By ThoroughlyCreepedOut - 7/3/2010 00:22 - United States

Today, while in a public restroom, a man entered the stall next to me and began vigorously wanking. He finished quickly, but as he was leaving he peeped in at me through the crack in the stall door. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2010 07:16 - United States

Today, I learned that my boyfriend waits 'til I am asleep to wack off to porn on the internet. We haven't had sex in months because he doesn't want to. FML

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By technicallywroteabook - 21/8/2015 05:15 - United States - Grapevine

Today, I turned in an essay about a book I'd read over the summer. My teacher later called me to her desk and began to gush about how interesting the book sounded and asked to borrow my copy. The book I wrote about is not real, and the main characters are named after my childhood pets. FML

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By lisacasabonita - 12/11/2010 16:31 - United States

Today, while at dinner, I told my boyfriend that I wished he liked sushi. He replied, 'I wish you liked anal.' FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2016 18:54 - United Kingdom - Carlisle

Today, at a family dinner, I found the courage to tell my husband's parents about my schizophrenia. They exchanged weird looks and then there was an uncomfortable silence. Then my father-in-law finally says, "Christ. The grandkids won't come out all nutty, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2014 04:21 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I lost a bet with my grandma, and now she's coming with me on my next date. FML

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By Jamie - 4/4/2009 14:42 - United States

Today, I was at working at Burger King as a cashier. A girl I met last night came in and said, "Aren't you that guy from last night?" Last night, I had told her I was going to medical school and was going to be a doctor in less than a year. FML

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By Mike - 20/12/2017 01:30

Today, I received the Christmas gift I bought for my sister in the mail. I also received a nearly $200 bill for shipping fees, taxes, etc. for a $50 blanket from Canada. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2015 01:47 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, the 3 girls who have continuously bullied me for the past 3 years gave a class presentation on why bullying is so terrible. Judging from our teacher's comments, they're going to get top marks. FML

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By my ears are dying - 22/6/2011 18:37 - United States

Today, my five year old niece decided to wake me up by shoving blasting earphones in my ears. Five hours later I can still hear Justin Bieber shrieking "Baby". FML

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By puking now - 14/12/2013 00:34 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my sister brought a guy home while our parents were out. They had sex in her bedroom. I heard everything. The worst part wasn't her stupidly excessive moaning; it was that the moans sounded eerily similar to a cow mooing. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2009 11:05 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of over a year finally told me he loved me. This revelation was quickly followed by "at least, I think this is how people feel when they say that." FML

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By Justawoman - 4/6/2014 15:52 - Denmark - Aarhus

Today, my boyfriend complained all day about being bored, so wanting to cheer him up, I put on some sexy clothes and went to his house. I got on his bed in my underwear and called him over. He quickly decided he'd rather play Diablo for the next five hours instead. FML

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By beepbeep - 22/8/2018 03:30

Today, after being kicked out of my racist family, my boyfriend and I moved across the country to rent an apartment with my sister. My mother hates us so much she offered to buy my sister a new car to not take us in. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2012 06:24 - United States

Today, my boss told me his cancer test results came back positive. I congratulated him and asked how he planned to celebrate. It turns out a positive cancer test result is a bad thing. FML

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By rebeccacaissie - 21/11/2010 18:16 - United States

Today, I was being a little playful with my boyfriend when we began wrestling. He then put me in a choking headlock and wouldn't let me out until I "tapped out". FML

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By slim_breezy - 4/6/2016 07:41 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to rush my son to the ER after he ate a poisonous plant. He said the plant looked like one in Skyrim and he thought he'd get super powers from eating it. FML

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By campus pussy - 22/3/2014 21:08 - United States - Ross

Today, I woke up, ate breakfast, and left my dorm room, only to see about half a dozen people and my roommate shuffling around in the hall. Their zombie outfits and limping were so realistic that I freaked out and ran back inside, screaming. They think it was the greatest prank ever. FML

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By tokinallday - 2/1/2015 19:23 - United States - Kingsport

Today, my mom and step-dad tore my room apart looking for the stash of drugs they thought I had. I've never touched drugs in my life, and I guess they believe me now. Didn't stop them from making me clean up the mess they made, though. FML

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By Gen - 16/12/2008 07:05 - France

Today, I found the password to my boyfriend's MSN account. I was listed in the "booty call" category. FML

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By faaail - 24/3/2015 16:51 - Ireland - Cork

Today, while studying for a big test at the library, some idiots started playing hide-and-seek. After putting up with their snorting and giggling for nearly an hour, I finally lost my shit and told them to knock it off. I then got kicked out for causing a disturbance. FML

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By teacher - 25/1/2013 05:25 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I led a class of grade-two pupils on an excursion to the zoo. When we went to see the lions I was put in a position where I had to explain to seven and eight year olds why one lion was "bouncing" on top of the other one. FML

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By me - 14/3/2012 15:19 - United States

Today, my husband thought it would be funny to drive my car through a flock of vultures eating road kill. Since a bird hit the mirror and broke it, I now have to pay for a replacement. FML

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By infrontofninepeople - 30/6/2015 20:31 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I went on a Segway tour in Budapest. The Segways have an automatic speed limiter, and to release it and get back to normal speed, you have to brake. Unfortunately, I forgot my speed limiter was on and so, while trying to brake, I instead returned to normal speed and crashed into a tree. FML

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By thatisfuckedup - 13/6/2013 22:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I ordered some burgers at a fast food joint. When I said, "No lettuce," the cashier looked dumbfounded and asked, "What's that?" I literally had to say, "The green stuff" before she got it. I'm losing hope. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2012 20:15 - Canada

Today, my mother was leaving the house to attend her sister's funeral. Just as she was walking out the door, my brain experienced the most horrific shart imaginable, and I uttered through my reassuring smile, "Have a blast." FML

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By Fluory - 7/12/2009 14:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I chose to date him. After going on for five minutes about how unique and funny he is, I ask him the same question. His reply? "You were the first person to ask me out." He then rolled over and fell asleep. FML

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By f.m. - 23/7/2018 16:00

Today, I took my driving test. I was nervous, but I thought I followed the rules of the road pretty well. My tester ended up failing me for "backing out too slowly". FML

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By boned - 27/1/2010 05:25 - United States

Today, I checked my university financial account to discover I owed them over $1000. The reason? They had apparently given me too much money when I applied for a loan and now want it back. Oh, and I spent my loan money on books and a laptop for school. FML

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Top comments

By CommanderCman1 | 15

#5848908 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:23

Be happy those are the only buns he squeezed.

By awkwardloveannie | 28

#5848942 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:30

you violated? imagine how the buns must feel! and Theyre going home with him

Comments

By CommanderCman1 | 15

#5848908 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:23

Be happy those are the only buns he squeezed.

Reply

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5849015 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 3:32

hehe... for now.

Reply

andrewturtle | 16

#5849020 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 3:40

Plot twist: sports_guy3 is the old man.

Reply

smokecloud_ | 37

#5849021 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 3:41

Seems more like something perdix would do..

Reply

jellybeens_fml | 16

#5849169 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 7:37

We'll imagine how the buns feel.. They have to go home with him.

Reply

MrsDruidess | 23

#5849185 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 8:21

right!! Come on OP, harmless flirting. If thats the most violated you have ever felt, than you are blessed.

By Bulldozer36 | 21

#5848909 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:23

Sucks to be you but I hope I'm still able to get frisky when I'm old like that guy.

Reply

smokecloud_ | 37

#5849022 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 3:43

I'm with you. I'm going to be one of those crazy pervy old ladies and blame it on my senility! (spelling? real word?) I can't wait!

Reply

FangirlingAlways | 14

#5849097 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 5:02

When you're old you have all the excuses in the world.

By Federgirl | 19

#5848919 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:25

that guys a creep!

Reply

colton_colton | 49

#5849045 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 4:15

Just a lil' bit!

By xblaine | 17

#5848926 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:26

Pedophile alert.

Reply

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5849012 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 3:29

Pervert alert.

Reply

DropTheDaggerxx | 31

#5849080 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 4:44

Unless OP is a prepubescent child, no. "Pedophile" isn't synonymous with "creepy old pervert".

By olpally | 32

#5848927 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:27

Call the cops. What a freak!

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5848965 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:43

For what?

Nothing illegal was done, nor was OP actually violated or harassed. You need to calm down.

Reply

JaegerMayCry | 12

#5849144 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 6:29

#5 reminds me of the lady who called 911 because McDonalds ran out of chicken mcnuggets.

Reply

Traitoro | 9

#5849427 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 14:49

Ya 43, this morning someone called the cops because their fire alarm wouldn't stop ringing.

Reply

ivydindy13 | 14

#5850088 - Thursday 6 February 2014 6:07

Well, if there really was a fire then that's a big difference...

By 746278Ab | 14

#5848929 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:27

When your old you can do whatever you want...

Reply

micgelleya | 15

#5849109 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 5:13

*you're

Reply

buckstop1 | 37

#6274320 - Sunday 26 April 2015 21:19

Exactly the point

By HopelesslyCiara5 | 19

#5848930 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:27

Is your father a baker? Because you've got the hottest buns I've ever seen. :P

By kinky44 | 28

#5848941 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:30

Ja! Buns and ties!

Reply

kinky44 | 28

#5848971 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:47

Waiting to see if anyone remembers this joke from Spongebob. . .

Reply

arandomusernameaa | 20

#5849806 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 22:47

*Still Waiting...* yeh this could take some time ;)

Reply

RobertoZ | 5

#5850116 - Thursday 6 February 2014 7:34

Well at least he didnt steal a balloon.

By awkwardloveannie | 28

#5848942 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:30

you violated? imagine how the buns must feel! and Theyre going home with him

By blancoing | 14

#5848946 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:33

maybe he just was imagining they were some other buns... fyl

Reply

jellybeens_fml | 16

#5849164 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 7:29

You don't say??

Reply

HammyBear13 | 8

#5849196 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 8:57

45, you look like a guy who would do this.......o.0......

Reply

jellybeens_fml | 16

#5851825 - Saturday 8 February 2014 8:36

Am I sexy of wats