By

May be

Today, while I was at my job as senior care, I was in a client's home vacuuming the carpet and found a very used vibrator that belonged to his wife. It wasn't clean. FML

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Serious times

Give me my drugs!

Mystery

By anonymous - France

Today, I told my best friend I was breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years. He thought it would be funny to tell her I was going to propose to her that night. She showed up telling me how much she loves me and that when we get married how great it will be. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my entire school differentiates me from another girl in my grade with the same name by saying "No, she's the lesbian one." I'm straight. FML

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By just trying to be nice - United States - Tucson

Today, I honked at a man in a Subway parking lot. He rolled down his window and screamed insults and slurs at me before driving away. Why did I honk at him? He'd left his lunch on top of his car. FML

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By uwbeautyqueen12 - United States

Today, I woke up on the floor after I fell asleep last night while counting my tips. The pennies stuck to my face and left large blue circles from the copper. The blue won't come off. I have my senior photos today. My appointment can't be rescheduled. FML

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By isabellam0426

Today, while teaching my history class, a girl asked me where North America was. She lives in North America. FML

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By

Early show

Today, I was at work, working on a new play. In the final dress rehearsal, I heard some of the crew laughing so I looked down at the very revealing costume to see that my left testicle was hanging out. FML

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By raybandy - United States

Today, I wake up only to find that my roommates cooked all my food. Now I'm starving and the place smells like delicious bacon. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

First time

Today, I had sex for the first time. I realised that I was more satisfied by last night's dinner. FML

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By thanksjerk - Canada

Today, I was talking with my friend-turned boyfriend and cutely told him that I could no longer remember all the things that he used to do that bothered me. He told me he could remember every one of mine and listed them all off for me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I lit my beard on fire while trying to light a cigarette driving to work. I got fired from work when I got there because of my appearance. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, my date took me to visit his farm. As we were walking, a wild rabbit darted past me and startled me. I tripped and fell face first into cow dung. FML

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By Its My BDay I Can Cry If I Want To - United States - Ephrata

Today, all of my friends bailed from the birthday party I was throwing myself. This was also after they had encouraged me for months to have one, knowing I'd never had my birthday celebrated before. FML

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By Anonomous - Canada - Whitby

Today, I got a cute girl's number for the first time. Too bad it was because she rear ended my car. FML

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By I guess not

Today, my boyfriend of three years asked me if I ever wanted to get married. I said yes. He said, 'But what happens if you never find a guy who likes you that much?' FML

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By Brenden - 25/1/2021 13:59

Sucker

Today, my ex-girlfriend called me say she needed her car repaired. I fixed it as fast as I could so she could get back on her way, only to find out she’s on her way to my friend's place to have her guts rearranged. FML

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By Lydlsis - United States

Today, while shopping, I suddenly got the terrible urge to use the bathroom. I already had several items and my 5-year-old niece in tow, so I hurried to checkout. I ended up pissing myself. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, like every other day for the past two weeks, the strange cat that has adopted me inexplicably made its way into my house and curled up next to my head while I slept. I'm horribly allergic. FML

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By Sick As Hell - United States - Urbandale

Today, I rolled my ankle, got pink eye, and have the flu. Unable to stand long enough to cook myself a meal, I opted for delivery. When I opened the door for the delivery boy, he backed away frantically with his arms up upon seeing me. Apparently, I look just as shitty as I feel. FML

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By mando - Australia

Today, at work, I refused a customer a refund because there was nothing wrong with the item, and she didn't have the packaging. I then watched as she and her son rummaged through a public bin for the packaging. When I refused her again, she called me a "fucking idiot". FML

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By Oopsie

Today, nine hours into a ten-hour shift, I accidentally told a customer, "You're a problem!" instead of, "You're welcome!" or, "No problem!" She gave me a dirty look and hurried off before I could correct myself. FML

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By sadness - United States - Metairie

Today, the guy I'm dating came into the same restaurant where I was eating. He was with a girl. He sat at the table next to mine and didn't even bother to say, "Hi." I guess I'm single again. FML

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By Coach - United States

Today, I was woken up from a phone call from my boss. He asked if I had been asleep. I told him I wasn't, that I was in my car on the way to work. Then my alarm went off. FML

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By Face_loser - United States

Today, I had to break up with my girlfriend on her request because she "didn't have the heart to do it." Within twenty minutes I'd received 4 calls from mutual friends, including my best friend, telling me what a jerk I am. And one from my mom. FML

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By KrazyKill - Canada

Today, I faked being sick so I could weasel out of a chemistry test at school. Happy that I pulled it off, I posted my accomplishment on Facebook. I forgot that I'm friends with my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband decided to drain his motorcycle oil into an empty bottle of laundry detergent. Also today, I decided to lift a stain out of my white comforter with some detergent I found in the garage. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, my mother walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. Afterwards, she informed me I would look a lot hotter if I smiled more. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my wife of 5 years has decided to change everything: job, clothes, hair style, car, and me. FML

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By SadAndDeaf

Today, my sister introduced me to her new, deaf boyfriend. She proudly proclaimed that she was trying to learn sign language for his sake, so he wouldn't have to read her lips. I'm also deaf and have been trying to get her to do the same for me for 20 goddamn years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I introduced my Chinese-born girlfriend to the rest of the family. My uncle immediately blurted out, "He's dating a communist." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I had to explain to a coworker that "the little red X" next to the email title she's been pushing out of curiosity is actually the delete button. Then, I had to restore the dozen emails she'd deleted even after I told her to stop. She's a manager. I stock shelves for a living. FML

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By egghead - United Kingdom

Today, I was introducing my American cousin to the peaceful English village I live in. Just as I was reassuring her that the people were very friendly and welcoming, a car drove past and pelted us with eggs. FML

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By fuckface? I wish - Australia - Diamond Beach

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She asked if the ring was a temporary thing until I got a better one, saw my dumbfounded face, then played it off as a joke and said yes. I later found out she'd posted on Facebook bitching about the ring, but with the privacy setting set to hide it from me. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Frederiksberg

Today, while getting ready to go to bed, I told my boyfriend that I feel depressed due to the lack of intimacy in our relationship. His response was to roll over, fall asleep, and send a deadly fart my way. FML

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By extants - United States

Today, I found out my broker invested my $6000 in the wrong stock. How did I find out? He called me to let me know the stock crashed. FML

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By roo - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting a flight home. I'd worn a belt because my skirt was too big. When I walked through security, they asked me to remove my belt. My skirt fell down in front of everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got to drop off my boyfriend at his newest place of residence: jail. FML

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By ttsutaoka - United States

Today, I was involved in a car accident. I wasn't the driver of either car. I happened to be a passerby that was hit by a falling stop sign as a car hit it. FML

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By OyGeeze28 - United States

Today, at work in a liquor store, a man came in to demand a refund because after he "drank the whole bottle of Jack" he "couldn't get it up" for his wife. He thought that alcohol was supposed to be an aphrodisiac, and blamed me personally for his "whiskey dick". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was turned down for a job as a cashier at Best Buy. I worked like hell to get into and then graduate from one of the top Telecommunication schools in the country. I spent all my time with extracurriculars to help my resume instead of partying like my friends. I can't even be a cashier. FML

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By veggocake - United States

Today, an old friend that I never really liked invited me to lunch while she was in town. While driving back to her car, I couldn't find my phone, so she offered to call it. She found it under the passenger seat and also saw that when she called, her name came up as "Sabrina-IGNORE". FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7886502 - Saturday 29 February 2020 23:28

How did you determine that? The Smell Test?

Hey, at least she didn't cut her vagina with it.

By J15237 | 25

#7886891 - Monday 2 March 2020 23:39

and what is wrong with older people having a sex life?

COMMENTS

By ahabsfan | 14

#7886491 - Saturday 29 February 2020 21:44

Is it dishwasher safe?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7886502 - Saturday 29 February 2020 23:28

How did you determine that? The Smell Test?

Hey, at least she didn't cut her vagina with it.

By J15237 | 25

#7886891 - Monday 2 March 2020 23:39

and what is wrong with older people having a sex life?