Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I started...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 338

You deserved it 88

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 137

You deserved it 1 206

22/03/2009 09:05

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I started stroking the back of his neck with both of my hands. He told me, "Your hands are nice and smooth like my grandmother's." FML

I agree, your life sucks 104 209

You deserved it 7 943

Intimacy

Late term

Triage

Good kid

02/10/2009 16:47

Today, my husband of five years told me he's leaving me and will be gone when I return from Iraq. When I told him I love him and asked him not to go, he said he won't file divorce papers just yet, but he's moving out-of-state because "we need time apart." I've been gone for most of the year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 502

You deserved it 3 162

15/07/2012 05:02

Today, my mom came over to me and whispered something in my ear. I didn't hear it and assumed it was a joke, so I started laughing. Turns out my aunt died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 379

You deserved it 28 345

Hippity hoppity

By Stuckinbed - 19/03/2020 21:00

Today, after I'd had hip surgery, my sister thought it would be hilarious to hide my crutches from me. I can't find them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 752

You deserved it 98

03/05/2011 05:22

Today, I saw a car swerving in front of me on the freeway, so I whipped out my cell to report the DUI. As soon as it started ringing, I see police lights in my rear view and got slapped with a ticket for using a cell phone while driving. After explaining why, the officer said, "Nice try." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 722

You deserved it 28 470

27/06/2013 23:15

Today, on my first day at my new job delivering pizzas, I got bit by a guy dressed as Dracula. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 234

You deserved it 3 316

27/02/2013 07:59

Today, I was in bed when I rolled over and saw a hand right beside my head. I freaked out and nearly peed myself, just to realize that it was the huggable heart pillow my boyfriend had given to me on Valentine's Day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 419

You deserved it 23 959

26/05/2019 02:00

Today, I was in a store with my mom. I wandered off, then walked around looking for her. I spotted her, and decided to put on a ski mask to give her a scare for a laugh. I hid around a corner and yelled "BOO!" when I saw her. It wasn't my mom, and I'm now banned from that store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 752

You deserved it 2 081

29/04/2013 16:14

Today, a family of geese nested outside my halls of residence. They have started attacking everyone who tries to get in or out of the building. I'm basically being placed under house arrest by birds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 724

You deserved it 3 985

05/10/2009 15:45

Today, one of my best friends went into labor 14 days early. I'd told my boss previously about this and that I need to be there for my friend as she doesn't really have any family. My boss will not let me leave work to be there. Why? I didn't give enough notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 974

You deserved it 3 346

17/03/2012 04:53

Today, my mom was put in jail for beating the shit out of my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 093

You deserved it 3 139

Assumptions

By sama - 06/01/2021 11:03

Today, I was asked why I have stretch marks when I’m skinny. The stretch marks are from when I was recovering anorexic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 805

You deserved it 78

Plans

By Anonymous - 14/09/2021 02:00

Today, my ex asked me to take the kids for the day, which was odd as it's her weekend. My son let slip that she was getting ready for a surprise birthday party, but I wasn't supposed to know. As it's my birthday in 3 days, I was touched that she'd planned something. Turns out it's a surprise party for her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 348

27/10/2012 12:43

Today, I was writing out palm cards and didn't know if I'd spelled a word correctly, so I stared at it for about 10 seconds waiting for spell check to tell me if it was right or not before I realised I was writing on paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 712

You deserved it 34 669

20/09/2015 13:24

Today, while enjoying a truly epic move from my wife in the hotel shower, I managed to accidentally pull the "grab bar" from the wall and clock her in the side of the head. Three stitches at the Urgent Care later, she's explaining to the entire waiting room how it happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 626

You deserved it 3 417

22/02/2009 03:23

Today, while I was making out with my boyfriend, he left my dorm suddenly without telling me where he was going. A few hours later, he texted me to tell me that being with me made him feel dirty and he had gone to confession. He then called me a sinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 277

You deserved it 7 810

06/03/2016 19:59

Today, I had my first driving test. The instructor turned out to be the kind of twit who made me do the full 60-minute test, only to tell me afterwards that he was failing me for the only mistake I made less than 2 minutes after the test started. Time wasting tit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 170

You deserved it 3 118

21/08/2009 23:51

Today, my family bet me $20 to wear a Disney Princess hat for the entire day around a theme park. I am 17 years old. We decided to go for lunch in one of the restaurants. After we finished, a woman gave my parents a leaflet on how to cope with disabled children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 674

You deserved it 9 440

25/05/2013 04:40

Today, I called my fiancé just to tell him how much I love him, as a sweet gesture. He yelled at me for interrupting his video game and blamed my "neediness" on the fact that I'm menstruating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 572

You deserved it 8 283

Getting wet, but not in the good way

By Boyufd - 28/06/2020 02:02

Today, it's been the fourth day in the row my pregnant girlfriend peed the bed. It's also the fourth day I have to clean it since she's too embarrassed to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 400

You deserved it 367

19/12/2010 05:14

Today, I found out my girlfriend of four years is legally married to a man in prison. He gets out next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 817

You deserved it 3 870

22/11/2011 11:36

Today, I found out that my new roommate got kicked out of his old house because he pulled a gun on his old roommates and threatened them. The reason? They nagged him about dishes he left in the sink. Well, only 10 months left on the lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 786

You deserved it 3 339

06/04/2016 16:59

Today, my girlfriend wanted to try having sex despite her serious body image issues. Unfortunately, I couldn't get it up due to how utterly terrified she looked. Now no matter what I say, she thinks it's all because her body is hideous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 944

You deserved it 2 901

20/04/2016 14:34

Today, after a fight, I caught my sister rubbing my toothbrush on the inside of our grimy toilet. This is why I have trust issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 061

You deserved it 1 538

03/01/2019 20:00

Today, my friend with benefits that I was starting to like forgot my name in front of his friends when they asked who I was. We've known each other for at least a year. I think this means I'm just a benefit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 411

You deserved it 805

28/12/2012 15:14

Today, I woke up with an engagement ring on my left hand. The same one I refused last month. My boyfriend apparently waited for me to be drunk to propose again last night, and has already posted the pics on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 436

You deserved it 15 988

Whoops

By mmv - 18/09/2009 00:02

Today, I took my car into the shop to get a minor problem fixed. I left several hours later, without my car. Why? The mechanic crashed it while out on a test drive to make sure he'd fixed the problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 021

You deserved it 2 134

24/04/2011 08:42

Today, my dog decided to chase a smaller dog for three blocks. When I finally caught up with him, he laid down and refused to go anywhere. I had to carry my 80 pounds Labrador like a baby all the way home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 216

You deserved it 7 426

13/11/2008 03:01

Today, I scratched my cornea and have to wear a large bandage covering my eye. I'm off today, but I'll probably have to wear it to school tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 994

You deserved it 5 950

14/05/2009 14:17

Today, I scored two prime baseball tickets from a supplier at work. I phoned my dad to tell him the good news. He said that's great, my brother and him would love to see the game. I said, no, I'm taking you to the game. He told me I was being selfish and hung up the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 626

You deserved it 3 056

Proud

By Anonymous - 16/07/2016 12:31

Today, I found a "White Power" bumper sticker on the back of my car. I don't know what idiot thought it'd be funny to put it there, but now my neighbors think I'm a proud racist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 607

You deserved it 1 008

Nice try

By haus - 19/01/2010 19:38

Today, I had to go to court to see whether my driver's license is suspended for an entire year. I woke up early, went to court, and everything went perfectly, with all the charges being dropped. Unfortunately, I then woke up, and am now going to be late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 258

You deserved it 31 442

Narcissist

By Jesica Mcgee - 29/10/2020 18:02

Today, I got a job, a good job with benefits, 401 k, took a lot of work to get this: background check, drug testing, being qualified and I need to pay bills. I can't even be happy because my husband got demoted. It's all about him, and fuck my hard work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 258

You deserved it 109

Good kid

By Anonymous - 25/05/2021 13:59

Today, my mother told me that for a period when I was a baby, every night she stood over my crib with a bottle of bourbon and a gun, convincing herself not to shoot me for ruining her life by being born when she was only 18. I wish I could be more like my siblings, who don't visit her anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 834

You deserved it 115

25/10/2008 16:55

Today, my refrigerator defrosted itself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 736

You deserved it 5 772

23/01/2009 10:45

Today, just another casual morning. I went to go drop a deuce in the bathroom. Barely being awake I didn't notice my roommates had put glad wrap between the seat and toilet, so i got piss and shit all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 206

You deserved it 5 193

05/12/2015 14:54

Today, my dad is having his midlife crisis and bought a mercedes along with a girlfriend less than half his age. I was trying to be supportive until I found out he is funding his midlife crisis with my university loan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 173

You deserved it 1 545

02/07/2013 14:35

Today, I was once again handed a document to translate along with the comment "Good luck, it doesn't make sense to begin with." If my translation doesn't, though, I will not get paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 361

You deserved it 3 069

12/09/2009 07:39

Today, the guy I have been in love with for years decided to tell me all about his women problems and how he can't find someone. After telling him I loved him he responds, "do you know if anyone else does?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 116

You deserved it 4 030

10/02/2014 03:39

Today, I came home from a night out with the lads. My girlfriend refused to make love to me, saying my sperm were drunk and would raise hell in her uterus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 518

You deserved it 16 380

26/03/2009 07:19

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 499

You deserved it 598 683

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

alex_smokin_okin 0

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 16:32

thats not an FML, my grandma has some pretty soft hands as well

fillmyheart028 0

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 16:32

does he get turned on by his grandma? ...ughh

Comments

alex_smokin_okin 0

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 16:32

thats not an FML, my grandma has some pretty soft hands as well

adhdkid411 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 4 May 2011 6:04

el gato!

bansheebomber 14

Send a private message

Thursday 26 May 2011 19:02

The cat? What about it?

Random951 12

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 April 2012 3:13

Well, his name does have ADHD in it so I guess that

EverWatcher 0

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 16:32

Yikes. Even if there's totally no hidden meaning, poor timing for the loss....

fillmyheart028 0

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 16:32

does he get turned on by his grandma? ...ughh

nando92 0

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 16:35

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

necromancerlord 0

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 16:36

The real FMl here is that during sex, they weren't having sex.

caitlinmarie 0

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 16:36

i really dont think that was ment to be an fml moment...

IWillEatYouAlive 16

Send a private message

Saturday 14 May 2016 19:22

Then why is it on Fmylife.com?

kungfupow 0

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 16:37

yeah you definitely shouldn't be bringing up your grandmother during sex though....

Karaix 0

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 16:37

I don't see how this is an FML! That's an awesome compliment, I wish someone would tell me I had my nana's hands. They're beautiful~!

Bunny420 0

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 16:52

It's a bit more like F His Life for bad timing lol.

musicislife_fml 0

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 16:55

Wow... Ish. I would've just been like "fuck it, get off" [no pun intended], pushed him away, then leave the room.