Today, I realized that in French, my name means "penis." This... - FML

By kiki - United States

Today, I realized that in French, my name means "penis." This wouldn't be so bad if my dad wasn't fluent in French. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Basic Instinct

Rock n Roll is a dirty business

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a wonderful dream where I got married to the perfect guy, then had the best sex of my life on a beautiful honeymoon. The only problem is that my "husband" was the snowman from Frozen, and that I got sad when I realized it was just a dream. FML

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By a faint recollection - United States - Goshen

Today, while at a trampoline park, my time of the month and my out-of-shape body worked together to make me almost pass out. FML

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By concusion - United States

Today, I found out the "small termite problem" the inspector told me about wasn't so small when a box from the attic fell through the floor and hit me in the head. FML

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By Bellend - United Kingdom

Today, I noticed a flash car badly parking itself in a handicapped space. I hate the asshats who do this, so I went up to berate the driver. After an opening salvo of coarse language, a glint of light on his wheelchair in the back caught my eye. I then had to apologise for being a shitehawk. FML

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By wookieewhosshe

Today, it's the first day in 3 weeks that I'm in my flat after 7 a.m. due to a very busy work schedule. I was looking forward to a Saturday lie-in. Also today, my flatmate's alarm clock went off loudly from 7:30 to 10:30. He's in another country and his door is locked. Bye bye lie-in. FML

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By justwow - United Kingdom

Today, I must be the only person who has been taking the contraceptive pill for six years without ever needing to use it as a contraceptive. FML

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By Anonymous - Poland

Today, my husband of ten years was playing the Sims. I asked him about the house he built. Apparently, it was his dream house, and he recreated himself as a Sim so he could live in it. Then I asked him where the wife was. There was no wife. It was his happy place. FML

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By jobless - United States

Today, I realized after sending out countless copies of my resume to companies, I failed to add my phone number on it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, an hour after telling me she wasn't in mood for sex, my girlfriend called me to help her get a cucumber out of her ass. FML

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By Moon-chan - Netherlands

Today, I was cycling home. On the way, my laces got stuck in the bicycle pedals and I couldn't move the foot that got stuck. The bicycle fell over, with me attached to it. Everyone was looking at me like, "What are you doing?" FML

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By Classicmen - United States

Today, is the first weekend I have off this summer. Instead of letting me see my friends, my dad printed out a practice SAT exam. I've already taken the SAT. He just "doesn't want me to get rusty". FML

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By rewarded - India

Today, for the second time in 5 months I was recognized for my hard work, sincerity and all the adjectives that they use to describe good employees. What was my reward? A piece of chocolate. FML

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By almost broke - Czech Republic - Brno

Today, because my fiancé is criminally incompetent at budgeting, I'm now having to pay the first installment for my own wedding ring. FML

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By Rash - United States

Today, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse in my backyard. I don't own a horse. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2020 23:04

The end of the road

Today, after my parents treating love like a war, always trying to score some sort of victory over each other, while me and my wife never argued a day in our lives, I’m the one staring down the barrel of divorce, while my parents have been happily married for over 50 years. I just don’t understand. FML

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By p - Canada - Markham

Today, I had a piano exam. My friend noticed how nervous I was, and recommended that I compliment the examiner for higher marks. When it was time for the exam, without thinking, I told him I liked his hair. Turns out bald people don't like that. FML

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By seanzynotfonzyehhhhh - United States

Today, my boss told me to find the bad smell coming from the apartment we were working on. I found the bath tub about 4 inches high full of piss and spent the next hour bailing it out into a bucket because the drain wasn't connected yet. I have pee stain in all the wrong places. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking into CVS, two older men outside said to me "Young lady, please consider us on your way out." Thinking they were hitting on me, I rolled my eyes and said "Screw you." When I walked back outside, I realized they were asking for AIDS donations. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I watched a manager and a co-worker sit underneath a table in our store all day as I got yelled at for not working hard enough. I was the only one actually working. FML

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By hardtoignore - United States

Today, after reading about seduction techniques, I wore shades and a brightly colored shirt to a club to attract female attention. However, the sunglasses rendered me almost blind, and I tripped over a step, crashed into tables, and thanks to the shirt, everyone saw it happen in glorious technicolor. FML

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By Sucker - Canada

Today, after working another double shift because I want to buy my boyfriend a really expensive anniversary present, I get to his apartment to find him calculating in how many paychecks he'll be able to afford a Caribbean getaway. For himself. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I had woken up very excited to celebrate my 21st birthday. I roll over in bed and ask my boyfriend if we can go out to the park to have a picnic, considering the lovely weather. He looked up at me and said, "You wish I loved you that much." He rolled back over and slept until 3 p.m. FML

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By toothache - United States - Morton Grove

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth filled. The nurse just finished taking my info when the doctor came in and started drilling. Through my chorus of screams he realized he'd forgotten to numb me. His only response was, "Guess I forgot to numb ya, huh?" while giggling. FML

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By ghostyyy - France

Today, my sister was on television. It would have been great if she weren't being handcuffed for burglary. FML

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By Anonymous

Mommy Goes Commando

Today, I went to a restaurant with my family. My five year old goes under the table and says "Mommy! You forgot to wear underwear!" FML

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By too good - United Kingdom - Dartford

Today, my boyfriend and I tried roleplaying a teacher-student during sex. We're both studying to be actors, so we ended up going into a really deep, emotional storyline that didn't end in sex at all. FML

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By NotRussian - United States

Today, I had a blind date with a really cute guy. Just when I was about to invite him back to my place for a nightcap, he took out a catalog of Russian mail-order brides and asked for my help in picking out the best one. FML

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By probably not getting the job - United States - Lake Oswego

Today, I applied for a job at a local store. As I walked out the door, I heard the manager read it out loud and everybody else laugh. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home early from work, and caught my girlfriend with my best friend. I forgave her. She thinks it's because I love her. It's because I wouldn't get laid otherwise. FML

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By Chuffy - United States - Loveland

Today, I followed my neighbor's advice and sprayed Sprite on my Christmas tree because it will "make it live longer." I just came downstairs to find my Christmas tree covered in ants. FML

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By whyme

Today, I met a wonderful man and agreed to go on a date. Halfway through the date, he started telling about how much he hates his wife. And his four kids. I texted him after I walked out, saying not to call me again. He agreed. His wife didn't. FML

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By twitch

Today, on Maury…

Today, I found out I'm pregnant after 14 years of being told I'll likely never have kids. My fiancé has a 7 year-old child with a woman who used it to stop him from leaving her. Yesterday, she filed a false report/restraining order to keep him from his kid, because he refused to leave me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after shoveling one guy's steps, sidewalk, and driveway for two hours straight, I went to ask for my money. He said, "Work is its own reward!" and shut the door in my face. FML

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By jessii - United States

Today, in math class, I got an answer "wrong." The teacher yelled at me, then he realized that my answer was correct. Then he yelled at me for not correcting him. FML

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By smalltownkid - United States - Houston

Today, I moved to a big city, alone, from a small town. After convincing myself it wasn't that scary, I hailed my first cab. The driver spent the 30 minute ride from the airport telling me about how "sometimes, you just gotta shoot a guy" because if they steal your shoes, they deserve it. FML

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By ice ice baby - United States - Monterey Park

Two Scoops

Today, it'd been so long since I last had sex, I was jolted out of my sleep by a body shaking orgasm. I was sweaty and breathless, and it took me a moment to realize it had been a dream. It would've been great except the subject of my nocturnal ecstasy was Vanilla Ice. FML

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By Catnip - Germany - Michelstadt

Today, I sent my boyfriend a selfie where I used the Snapchat face-swap to put my best friend's face on mine. My boyfriend didn't notice and texted back, 'Wow, so beautiful!' FML

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By anonymous - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was yelled at in public for staring at a guy in a wheelchair. I was staring 'cause he was so good looking. FML

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By constantine - United States

Today, I wanted to go clubbing with my friends. I started drinking at home to save on the price of drinks, instead I fell asleep on my couch. FML

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By Not dying. - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, I started getting really bad chest pains at work. I googled it and the internet convinced me I was having a heart attack. Scared for my life, I started to dial for an ambulance when I let out the biggest fart you could ever imagine. Turns out it was trapped gas. FML

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Top comments

By hiyouaregreat | 0

#1195336 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:15

Oh man, I'm a loud cunt. Please thumb me down. Please. :'(

By BoyFromTheFuture | 0

#1195449 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:34

nice... now you need to find someone with a name that's slang for vagina and you have a solemate.

COMMENTS

By hiyouaregreat | 0

#1195336 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Unbeatable | 0

#1196566 - Friday 6 August 2010 3:49

so close but so far away :)

Reply

thatfrenchguy | 8

#1196590 - Friday 6 August 2010 3:52

132- no, in France kiki means penis, but it's a little kid thing to say, like wiener?

Reply

danza_fml | 0

#1196657 - Friday 6 August 2010 4:17

Actually, it could also be "Zizi", but I'm assuming it's Kiki because that seems more plausible.

FYL OP, but I guess it's a nice way to break the ice, no?

"Hi, what's your name?"
"Penis. What's yours?"

:)

Reply

LexSwift | 17

#1196674 - Friday 6 August 2010 4:20

106- That made me LOL. hahaha.

Reply

bamditzki | 0

#1196751 - Friday 6 August 2010 4:42

haha, penis.

Reply

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#1196788 - Friday 6 August 2010 4:50

131: Good catch. :) You get plus one intertoobz.

Reply

KianaCaca | 10

#1196863 - Friday 6 August 2010 5:16

Oh my gosh my nickname means penis -.- No wonder my mom didn't like the name when i said I wanna be called Kiki

Reply

gabii1fred | 0

#2612758 - Friday 3 June 2011 16:10

caca means poop in spanish though : ]

Reply

thelovelysecks | 15

#3056354 - Sunday 7 August 2011 7:54

in french, penis is said, pènis... so if your name isnt pènis, it doesnt mean penis.

Reply

mano47 | 0

#3404999 - Saturday 8 October 2011 15:31

It's a term of endearment in portugese

Reply

Killer_fel | 15

#4086211 - Saturday 25 February 2012 13:25

It also means poop in french

Reply

Jenn_love69 | 12

#6121946 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 15:47

In french too

By hiyouaregreat | 0

#1195339 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:15

YOUR LIFE SUCKS.

By hiyouaregreat | 0

#1195341 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:15

YOUR LIFE SUCKS.

By hiyouaregreat | 0

#1195343 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:15

YOUR LIFE SUCKS.

By hiyouaregreat | 0

#1195345 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:15

YOUR LIFE SUCKS.

By hiyouaregreat | 0

#1195347 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:15

YOUR LIFE SUCKS.

By hiyouaregreat | 0

#1195349 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:15

YOUR LIFE SUCKS.

By birdmansangel | 0

#1195357 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:16

and?

Reply

MyPupRox | 2

#2954595 - Saturday 23 July 2011 0:41

the point OP is making is that when her dad named her he knew it meant penis since he was fluent in french

By Bl0OdYShAdOw | 0

#1195361 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:16

1st I win.

By fistnazal | 10

#1195365 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:17

hi. you are NOT great.