Love: Today, I realized that in French, my name means "penis." This... - FML

By kiki - United States

Today, I realized that in French, my name means "penis." This wouldn't be so bad if my dad wasn't fluent in French. FML

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Dangling modifier

Boozehound alert

Bad boys, bad boys…

By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my wedding. Everyone showed up, except my fiancé. FML

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By Jesus - Canada

Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it as quickly as possible, I smacked my hand against the wall with force. It was a nail. FML

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By fired - United States - Millis

Today, my boss fired me after chewing me out for the horrible date he had with my mother. FML

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By hellphone_fml

Today, someone knocked on my door. I yelled "Yeah?" while getting up, since it was locked. My grandpa walked in, as I apparently didn't actually lock it. I was naked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out everybody at work thinks I'm a lesbian because they thought my boyfriend was a girl. FML

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By Ryuga - United States

Today, I decided to confess my feelings to the girl I've had a crush on since the beginning of high school. We agreed to meet at Starbucks, but she was bringing a friend. I didn't care, because I just wanted to tell her how I felt. When I got there, I saw her making out with another girl. FML

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By Unlucky - United States

Today, as I got up from the couch, my computer, which was next to me, fell on to my pinky toe. It fell just so that the edge of it cut my toe open. I cursed, and hobbled toward the bathroom to get a bandage. As I'm going into the bathroom, I stub said toe on the door jamb. FML

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By aprilfools22 - United States

Today, I got my tongue pierced, then went to a pet store. A clerk came up to ask if I needed help. I showed him I already had some fish, and said, "No thanks." He must have thought I was "special," as he bent down and in a baby voice, said "You got fishy? FISHY FISHY FISHY!" while poking the bag. FML

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By oh, good - United Kingdom - Bath

Poor Mickey

Today, my cat was looking a little peaky. After craning my neck to check for lumps under his chin, he felt this was the perfect time to throw up a half-digested mouse onto my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time in years, I broke down in tears, over a Hallmark commercial. FML

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By Girl With a Cold

Today, I was sick, so I emailed my co-workers with a list of my hours, asking if anyone would be willing to cover them for me. I only got one hour covered, and that was during a day I don't even work. FML

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By Flavorite - United States

Today, my boss asked me to pick up an extra shift. I said I couldn't because I have a date. He told me I didn't need to lie and to just say no next time. FML

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By ouch - Australia - Collaroy

Today, my psychiatrist asked me if I felt bad about my weight. When I said no, he looked surprised and said, "Why not?" FML

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By aaaaahhhh - Australia - Chatswood

Today, as a learner driver, I embarked on my longest drive ever: back home, from Sydney to Melbourne, which is around a 700km drive. I managed to get the whole way without any problems. I crashed into my driveway. FML

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By waiting till marriage, she said - United States - Pasadena

Today, my apparently insane and now ex-girlfriend actually claimed she didn't technically cheat on me, because she set her Facebook relationship to "single" before screwing my brother. FML

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By deez_nutz - Canada

Today, it was my birthday. My girlfriend bought me a Nickelback CD. FML

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By Sleeping moody - United States - Hollywood

Today I went to my sleep therapist; I sleep 8 hours a night, but I'm still very tired during the day. I'm divorced, so we decided that I would record myself sleeping to see if I might be snoring. We listened to the tape. Not only was I snoring very loudly, I cry all night in my sleep. FM

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By "sanza666"

Today, I shattered a coffee pot at work and ended up with a piece of glass in my eye. Now I have to look like a pirate until its healed, and it's nowhere near Halloween. FML

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By happypineapple - Australia - Scarborough

Today, I went to a market. I saw stall which had mainly animal furs and things like that. I found a rounded, furry pen and stroked my cheek with it. Wondering what it was, being so soft and oddly shaped, I checked the tag. It was kangaroo testicles. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got a surprise raise and a promotion at work. Hours after accepting, our company was raided by police on fraud charges. Due to my new managerial position, I had to get grilled by cops. I may not have a job at all next week. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I bought my son a nice car for his 18th birthday. When I gave it to him, he just got mad and told me that if I really wanted to spend that much money on him, I should've used it to help him pay for college. FML

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By exfishowner

Today, my 3-year-old daughter put her grow-in-water salamander in my fish tank. The residue from the toy gummed up the filter and killed all the fish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Vancouver

Today, while researching tea etiquette for Sunday's tea, I read, "to put milk in your tea before sugar is to cross the path of love, perhaps never to marry." I suddenly panicked that this very lack of knowledge is why I haven't met a man who wants to marry me, and that I never will. I'm only 23. FML

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By Chance115

Today, my knee was dislocated. At a haunted house. By a midget. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my sister had a friend over and I had just gotten out of the shower. I wrapped something around me and walked across the living room. When I walked through, they both started laughing hysterically. Turns out, I grabbed a poncho and the hole for the head ended up right over my crotch. FML

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By uglyallover - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing a game where you ask sexual questions and you have to give an honest answer. At one point, I asked my boyfriend what his favorite position is, to which he quickly answered with no hesitation, "Any one where I don't have to see your face or body." FML

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By powerless - United States

Today, a soccer ball hit my car while I was going 75 mph on the freeway during my drive home. I still don't know how to explain it. FML

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By bbedlock - Australia

Today, after receiving the third call this week from teachers about my son falling asleep in class, I decided that it would be a good idea to hide his Xbox controllers. He decided it would be a good idea to hide my diabetes medication. FML

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By oh why... - United States

Today, I got a ransom note saying, "We have kidnapped your husband and won't release him unless you postpone the wedding." The wedding is tomorrow and it was in his handwriting. FML

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By secretmisery05 - 25/5/2020 17:00

Oh, hello there!

Today, my husband and I waited until the TV shut off at 11 p.m. in the next room to signal his grandmother had retired to her bed upstairs. After doing it on a very squeaky bed, we went out naked half an hour later to go to the restroom across the hall, only to discover his Nana laying on the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Stuck

Today, I found myself locked out of my house. I had to squeeze myself through a tiny window around the back. While hanging upside down, my hood fell over my head. My dog ran through to investigate the noise and ravaged me thinking I was a burglar. I then fell and broke my wrist. FML

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By erockinthesuburb - United States - Algonquin

Today, I was stopped and searched by a cop, and he quickly found the bag of weed in my pocket. He didn't arrest or fine me, but he did confiscate my weed and told me to "get lost." Pretty sure I just got legally mugged. FML

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By salope - France - Paris

Today, my boss broke off our relationship because he said it's inappropriate. I really liked him, but I accepted it and respected his integrity. A few hours later, I found out he's now dating my colleague. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2021 21:30

Maybe it's by accident?

Today, I've been binge-watching a certain Twitch/YouTube streamer. I love his political insights, but I've noticed he keeps saying, "On accident." It grinds my gears so much, I had to go outside and listen to birds chirping instead. FML

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By Collin - United States

Today, I was at a public pool. A very fat kid yelled, "Cannon Ball!" He jumped right on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Treat your pets properly!

Today, I had an argument with my dad about how Alpo dog food is trash and is why his dog keeps having terrible farts and diarrhea. My dad refuses to believe me, so now I'm always scrubbing vile, smelly, mucous-laden dog diarrhea out of the carpet. I'm a pet nutritionist. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend crashed our car into the car ahead. He was trying to pull away from the traffic lights faster than the person next to us, a ten-year-old kid on a bicycle. FML

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By WhereforeArtThouJustice - Portugal

Today, one of my classmates asked the teacher to postpone her presentation because she had to study and the teacher happily agreed. When I approached her, the teacher started yelling at me because postponing deadlines is irresponsible. I just wanted to make sure we didn't need to bring our book. FML

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By AnonWife - United Kingdom - Scunthorpe

Today, my husband and I are sick. He keeps whining about how bad he feels. I'm just as sick, as well as 7 months pregnant. I've not only been taking care of his whiny ass: I've cooked, cleaned, and gone to the store several times because the tissues we had were too rough on his nose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store with my mom's boyfriend. We were in the bread aisle when he picked up a loaf that was in my hand, and said, "No, no, you have to FEEL the bread," and started rubbing it all over his body. He's moving in next week. FML

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Top comments

By hiyouaregreat | 0

#1195336 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:15

Oh man, I'm a loud cunt. Please thumb me down. Please. :'(

By BoyFromTheFuture | 0

#1195449 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:34

nice... now you need to find someone with a name that's slang for vagina and you have a solemate.

COMMENTS

By hiyouaregreat | 0

#1195336 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:15

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Unbeatable | 0

#1196566 - Friday 6 August 2010 3:49

so close but so far away :)

Reply

thatfrenchguy | 8

#1196590 - Friday 6 August 2010 3:52

132- no, in France kiki means penis, but it's a little kid thing to say, like wiener?

Reply

danza_fml | 0

#1196657 - Friday 6 August 2010 4:17

Actually, it could also be "Zizi", but I'm assuming it's Kiki because that seems more plausible.

FYL OP, but I guess it's a nice way to break the ice, no?

"Hi, what's your name?"
"Penis. What's yours?"

:)

Reply

LexSwift | 17

#1196674 - Friday 6 August 2010 4:20

106- That made me LOL. hahaha.

Reply

bamditzki | 0

#1196751 - Friday 6 August 2010 4:42

haha, penis.

Reply

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#1196788 - Friday 6 August 2010 4:50

131: Good catch. :) You get plus one intertoobz.

Reply

KianaCaca | 10

#1196863 - Friday 6 August 2010 5:16

Oh my gosh my nickname means penis -.- No wonder my mom didn't like the name when i said I wanna be called Kiki

Reply

gabii1fred | 0

#2612758 - Friday 3 June 2011 16:10

caca means poop in spanish though : ]

Reply

thelovelysecks | 15

#3056354 - Sunday 7 August 2011 7:54

in french, penis is said, pènis... so if your name isnt pènis, it doesnt mean penis.

Reply

mano47 | 0

#3404999 - Saturday 8 October 2011 15:31

It's a term of endearment in portugese

Reply

Killer_fel | 15

#4086211 - Saturday 25 February 2012 13:25

It also means poop in french

Reply

Jenn_love69 | 12

#6121946 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 15:47

In french too

By hiyouaregreat | 0

#1195339 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:15

YOUR LIFE SUCKS.

By hiyouaregreat | 0

#1195341 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:15

YOUR LIFE SUCKS.

By hiyouaregreat | 0

#1195343 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:15

YOUR LIFE SUCKS.

By hiyouaregreat | 0

#1195345 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:15

YOUR LIFE SUCKS.

By hiyouaregreat | 0

#1195347 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:15

YOUR LIFE SUCKS.

By hiyouaregreat | 0

#1195349 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:15

YOUR LIFE SUCKS.

By birdmansangel | 0

#1195357 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:16

and?

Reply

MyPupRox | 2

#2954595 - Saturday 23 July 2011 0:41

the point OP is making is that when her dad named her he knew it meant penis since he was fluent in french

By Bl0OdYShAdOw | 0

#1195361 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:16

1st I win.

By fistnazal | 10

#1195365 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:17

hi. you are NOT great.