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By jesspacheco27 - 12/12/2014 05:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I sat on the bus for 3 hours stuck in traffic trying to ignore the old lady sitting next to me discreetly masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 248

You deserved it 3 054

jesspacheco27 tells us more.

jesspacheco27 12

Friday 12 December 2014 22:02

Yes longest 3 hours of my life. Worst part is she'd remove her hand and smell it.

By IronSkye - 29/08/2013 10:55 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my little sister opened a lemonade stand in front of our house. Surprisingly, she actually had a lot of customers, all kids. Two hours or so later, some parents came back complaining and threatening to sue my family. Turns out that what we thought was lemonade was actually beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 560

You deserved it 6 938

IronSkye tells us more.

IronSkye 7

Thursday 29 August 2013 18:54

Okay, I'm glad this FML got published. Thanks, guys! However, looks like I have some questions to answer. Firstly, my sister is almost eleven. The day before, we went shopping, and dad bought foir bottles of beer for a game he was going to watch in two days with his friends. My sister took the bottles and put the beer in cups, it totally looked like lemonade. She even put some lemons next to them! Yes, it was light beer, fortunately. But still alcohol. The kids told their mums the juice tasted funny, so they took a sip and figured out what it actually was. In the end, my sister's excuse was that she knew lemonade wouldn't have been successful anyway.

By Fran - 09/01/2010 08:40 - New Zealand

Today, I was awoken at 1:30 a.m. by a strange noise, and something tugging on my hair. I opened my eyes, to find a very large rat sitting on my pillow, chewing my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 552

You deserved it 3 377

By synyster505 - 19/12/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, I put my old kitchen table at the end of my driveway with a free sign on it. Later, I saw my neighbor drag it to his yard with a $50 for sale sign on it. It's now gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 903

You deserved it 36 630

By Anonymous - 16/06/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, I let my on-again, off-again boyfriend spend the night. For months we had been fighting about his new flame. After he convinced me that they are no longer an item, we had the most mind-blowing sex then we fell asleep. I awoke to him moaning her name. Followed by pelvic thrusts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 064

You deserved it 54 391

By .... - 31/12/2009 06:23 - Canada

Today, I tripped over a ice block frozen to the ground and hit my knee hard on another. I had trouble getting up, so I asked my dad if he could give me a hand. He started clapping and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 490

You deserved it 4 208

By moosemay - 14/01/2016 15:05 - Germany - Dittelbrunn

Today, my husband taught our son how to pee while standing. His aim is as poor as my husband's, but I guess now they can blame their mess on each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 575

You deserved it 1 818

Bubbly

By traumatised - 15/06/2019 22:27

Today, I went to make my morning coffee as usual. When I opened the container for the coffee grounds, I saw it bubbling. Perplexed, I looked closer. This is how I discovered that maggots can actually bubble what they ingest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 107

You deserved it 289

It's a conspiracy!

By Robyn - 05/01/2016 08:43 - Belgium - Stokkem

Today, the button on my husband's pants popped for the 4th time. I already used the strongest thread and buttons. He's obviously put on some weight around the stomach, but he won't listen to reason and still blames me for my sewing, which is making his pants "turn against him". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 184

You deserved it 1 755

By MeowApp - 01/02/2017 00:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, in my early morning haze, I tried to find the setting on my phone that would stop my cat meowing for his breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 268

You deserved it 1 385

By Anonymous - 19/12/2018 20:00

Today as I was waiting at the gynecologist I texted my husband to see if birth control pills were covered on our insurance...yep texted my boss instead who I had been asking about a raise..don’t think I’ll be getting that raise... FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 063

You deserved it 671

By canadiankc - 04/06/2009 02:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at the waterpark. I decided to go down a slide shaped like a funnel. On the way down, my bikini bottom untied. Then I got lodged in a V shape, arse first, in the hole at the funnel exit, exposing myself to the entire pool until I could slither out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 438

You deserved it 8 589

By MarchingNightmare - 17/01/2019 04:00 - United States - Hendersonville

Today, I have had 4 nosebleeds. Four of them, full-on, almost passing out nosebleeds. It's only noon. I think I need to see a doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 598

You deserved it 229

By Anonymous - 30/05/2009 11:39 - Canada

Today, I won $200 a contest at a bar. The manager took me to a vault where money collected from the strippers go into a pool. He told me that at least half of the bills were slid through a strippers butt crack so I was to "choose wisely". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 671

You deserved it 9 049

By Anonymous - 12/12/2015 04:12 - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, I tried buying alcohol for the first time. I have a baby face, so I had my ID ready. The store owner admitted that my ID looked real enough, but he wouldn't believe it wasn't just an elaborate fake. He very nearly called the cops on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 883

You deserved it 1 749

By luckygirl - 14/12/2009 09:05 - United States

Today, I was hit on by a guy who decided to use the line, "My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 001

You deserved it 4 531

By "Noelle Diane Irwin" - 21/02/2019 16:00

Today, I just found out that my sister slept with the guy that I have had a crush on for years and that she may or may not be pregnant with his child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 387

You deserved it 296

Dodgy reaction

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, I was fired from my job. Why? My boss didn't like that my manager and I are friends outside of work, and he thinks we are sleeping together. She's gay and I live with my boyfriend of five years. He blamed it on me wearing the wrong shoes three weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 750

You deserved it 217

By clayton - 28/07/2012 00:30 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was speaking to my mother on the phone, when she mentioned that my dad had surprised her last week with a pearl necklace. Before I could quite grasp what was going on, I'd popped a boner and visualised the scene. What the hell is wrong with me? FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 522

You deserved it 44 239

Sharing is caring

By Anonymous - 06/04/2022 00:01

Today, I found out my younger sister is too cheap to buy her own sex toys, so she has been borrowing mine. I clean mine thoroughly after use but apparently she just puts them back in the box after she’s done, while they’re still wet. Not gonna lie, I threw up a little after she'd admitted it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 280

You deserved it 220

Wrong end of the stick

By anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Saint Paul

Today, while I was jogging, a guy tackled me and got my iPhone. Being a good runner, I caught up with him and grabbed him. Next thing I knew, I was on the ground with a policeman yelling in my ear. The thief got away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 676

You deserved it 3 459

By KaD - 27/03/2019 14:00 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, I was happy about finally having the time to pot up the $50 worth of Reblooming Irises I bought… until I went into the garage and couldn't find them. My husband had cleaned up and threw them in the garbage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 017

You deserved it 295

By Mamaofdrama - 06/04/2019 18:00

Today, I was working on potty training my daughter. She opened the fridge while I wasn't looking and peed all over the lower shelf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 970

You deserved it 345

By Anonymous - 12/09/2014 13:17 - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I had to take my husband's laptop to University for an in-class exam. I opened the screen, and loud porn started to auto-play. The silence in the class was deafening as I tried to make it stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 615

You deserved it 7 490

Good one, Debbie

By xXxJoe16xXx - 01/12/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, I went to Walmart with my girlfriend. We bought the usual, food, Advil and condoms. While I waited in line, she went to grab everything. When she came back, I looked in the cart and saw no condoms. I asked her why she didn't get any. She replied, "They ran out of smalls." Everyone laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 153

You deserved it 8 446

Whoomp whoomp

By Workworkwork - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, I’m trying to scrape $65 together to get the cheapest glasses possible. My partner is equally upset because she wants a MacBook to replace her working laptop. I’m only looking because I’m getting headaches from how old my current lenses are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 725

You deserved it 344

By CatLover<3 - 18/06/2013 23:27 - United States - Cibolo

Today, I tried to explain to my cat why I was single, but then I realized why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 538

You deserved it 21 942

By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 21:24 - United Kingdom

Today, a doctor examined my wrist, which is completely swollen and painful. He diagnosed a case of tendonitis and asked me, "Do you use this hand for a particular sort of sport?" I just smiled like a twit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 973

You deserved it 48 633

By Anonymous - 27/10/2010 07:37 - United States

Today, I decided to let in my new German Shepherd puppy inside to show the guest how adorable he is. In the middle of our conversation, he came running up to us with my vibrator in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 584

You deserved it 15 056

By Immafail - 20/12/2016 18:32

Today, my mother decided to "help me" by throwing out the stack of papers on my desk. Unfortunately, those were all my notes for my final exams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 860

You deserved it 610

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The Top

Today, I was pulled over for a DWI. The police officer was drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 871

You deserved it 4 699

Today, my husband insisted a man can orgasm without cumming if he just clenches hard enough, so of course he went ahead and tried. He got such a powerful cramp in his groin, he shat himself on our cream carpet. Then as I tried to help, he came anyway, right into my fucking eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 511

You deserved it 119

Random

Today, while joking with my coworkers about how I shouldn't be trusted with a stapler because I managed to accidentally staple my finger last week, I stapled another finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 766

You deserved it 3 652

Today, I woke up without my fiancé in bed next to me, but I assumed he'd gone to work early. I went on Facebook to find that he had posted a break-up post to himself from my account and set my status to single. I then found a note with "Sorry" written on it stuck to the kitchen counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 967

You deserved it 3 655

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. On our way to the Space Needle I was pulled over and promptly arrested. Apparently, I had recently purchased a car from a man who had robbed a jewelery store. The ring is now evidence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 389

You deserved it 3 375

Today, I was in the shower and had just finished washing my face. When I put the soap down I noticed a curly, black hair stuck to it. Im blond. The only other person who uses that bathroom is my uncle. I just rubbed my uncle's pubic hair all over my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 861

You deserved it 9 162

Today, I was jacking off casually to a picture of my ex-girlfriend, when all of the sudden, my friend sends me an IM picture of a granny bending over which pops up on my screen. I think my sex life is ruined forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 692

You deserved it 32 619

Today, after months of apartment hunting with my boyfriend, he told me he had found a fantastic place that was really inexpensive. It seemed way too good to be true. It was. He took me to a storage unit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 552

You deserved it 645