Today, I was jacking off casually to a picture of my ex-girlfriend,...

By Anonymous - 18/12/2008 04:32 - United States

Today, I was jacking off casually to a picture of my ex-girlfriend, when all of the sudden, my friend sends me an IM picture of a granny bending over which pops up on my screen. I think my sex life is ruined forever. FML

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Intimacy

Mr Sensitivity

Dodged a bullet

Great guy

By Anonymous - 13/12/2010 02:36 - United States

Today, I woke up to an early Christmas present on my car. It was a nicely wrapped box containing a dead bird, a half eaten sandwich, and a note reading "MERRY F**KING CHRISTMAS STAN." This will probably be my only Christmas present. My name is Luke. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2009 01:45 - United States

Today, I watched my best friend get married to the guy I have been in love with since the 8th grade. I was the maid of honor, and had to give a toast to the couple. FML

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By Garrett - 1/10/2009 05:58 - United States

Today, I was on my computer when the girl that I really like instant-messages me. I went to type back, accidentally pressed control-V, and posted an entire article on how to remove genital warts. FML

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By Eh.. - 5/12/2018 04:00 - Israel

Today I learned that just because the cute barista at the train station smiles at smiles, waves at me each time I arrive, and develops small talk probably means she's trying to sell me pastries. The smile she had when I asked for her number and she said "nah" still haunts me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2014 03:30 - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend tried to be dominant during sex. It was so out of character for him, I couldn't help but break into hysterical laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2012 06:36 - Australia

Today, I picked up my driver's licence and my keys off the floor at the same time, using only my toes. This was the highlight of my day. FML

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By Pedro the Basuraman - 11/5/2018 20:30

Today, after 27 years of dedicated and loyal service, it finally happened, I was robbed at gunpoint at work. The whole heist only took about 30 seconds and the perpetrator took off without taking anything from me. I still don't get it. What kind of screwball would hijack a garbage truck? FML

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By habbsrule - 15/6/2012 14:21 - Canada

Today, I was joking around with my eight-year-old son. I told him to pull my finger. I farted, then laughed. He decided to try it on his mother. When she pulled his finger, he crapped his pants. He told her I taught him how to do it. FML

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By SlowLane - 11/9/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, I got 4 "photo enforced" speeding tickets in the mail. It was from the car that was stolen from me three weeks ago. FML

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By Dumbfuck - 25/9/2009 04:41 - United States

Today, I found out that being rhythmically challenged really really sucks. I was trying to dance around sexily for my girlfriend, and I was doing that one move where you thrust your pelvis forward, and swing you hand from side to side. I hit myself in the nuts. FML

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By S - 21/5/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I was surprised to learn that I could carry on intelligent conversations about basketball with my guy friends. Then I realized it was because my boyfriend insists on watching ESPN while we have sex. FML

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By xricardo - 5/6/2010 00:52 - United States

Today, I was mistaken for a male prostitute because I was walking home while wearing my speedo after a swim in the public pool. I was arrested and had to stay in a room full of convicts for 4 hours. Still in a speedo. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2013 02:39 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I was searched and questioned at the airport for having an apple. FML

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By Huge A Hole - 1/2/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, a girl I've had a huge crush on for a long time told another friend of ours to get a life. I, in my infinite genius responded that her mom needed to get a life. She ran out of the room bawling. I got slapped in the face and informed that her mom had died not long ago. FML

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By sexytime - 2/9/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, my best friend who I've had serious feelings for for over a year decided to tell everyone that he hasn't gotten laid in almost 2 years. When I told him that he was lying, he responded with "No, I'm not. Who could I possibly have slept with?" We hooked up 6 months ago. 3 times. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2019 14:00

Today, my drunken mother told me I'm just like my father and that I don't give a fuck about her. She's living in my home and drinking my wine. FML

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By iStoleTheBrownie - 25/8/2017 01:32

Paparazzi

Today, my friend asked me to send her a picture of my crush. I've never talked to him so I had to take the picture without him knowing. My flash was on. FML

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By newscomes - 14/10/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, after watching the news, I realized the only person who has ever wished that I had a good day, or wished that I had anything pleasant for that matter, is Charlie Gibson on World News Tonight. FML

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By snoooore - 31/8/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, I discovered I have narcolepsy. During a driving test. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2016 08:25 - Australia - Aspley

Today, for my birthday my friend bought me a book on how to lose weight. FML

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By crapcrapcrap - 14/3/2010 07:00 - United States

Today, I went on my first date with a guy I really like. He completely ignored me. FML

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By KelseNM - 5/7/2020 14:02

Just No

Today, my future sister-in-law, who hasn’t even been engaged a week, informed everyone that the wedding is December 19, which is the due date of my first child. My brother won’t change the date and is making my family choose between his wedding or being at the hospital with me. FML

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By Unloveable - 13/6/2016 16:32 - United States - Priest River

Today, my boyfriend of six years broke up with me over video chat. Two days before I was to move across the country to be with him. All of my things are already shipped. He said he thinks of me as a sister. FML

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By Simon Cowell - 8/9/2018 20:30

Today, I realised my teeth are so stained that they look cleaner when I've not brushed them. FML

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By ValeyFallsAlot - 14/1/2011 14:18

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs. The guy behind me was kind enough to ask if I was okay. He then called his friends over so they could laugh at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 15:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to show me a magic trick. He filled a bowl with wine, pushed it on top of the ceiling using a broom stick, and held it up there. He told me to hold it and left. Taking my hands off the broomstick would cause the bowl to fall on my expensive new suit. Eventually, it did. FML

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By stuck - 11/8/2010 12:01 - Australia

Today, because the two other managers decided to go on a spa day together, I had to stay at work despite the fact I spent most of the day throwing up in the bathroom. They called me to say what a good day they had. FML

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By an adorable devil - 21/3/2016 06:52 - United States - Houston

Today, my new bunny decided she is only going to eat carrots. If I put anything else in her food bowl, she viciously attacks the bowl until all of the food has spilled out. FML

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By awhmaaan - 27/2/2012 15:55 - United Kingdom

Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML

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By Nose Numb - 30/11/2014 20:24 - United States

Today, for the first time ever, my family bought a real Christmas tree instead of using our old fake one. Today, I also found out I'm allergic to Christmas trees. My family won't get rid of it because they paid so much for it and intend to "get their money's worth". FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2010 10:06 - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. She was completely embarrassed (as was I) and she flew out of the room. My boyfriend, on the other hand, still wanted to finish. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2015 03:44 - United States - Mountain View

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to accept, but that she'd basically have to get her mom's permission first. Apparently the answer was no. The worst thing is that she really is this unhealthily dependent on her mom, and probably wasn't lying about needing her permission. FML

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By WearingOff - 14/7/2009 03:03 - United States

Today, I realized my new kitten is the spawn of the devil. It decided to go get itself stuck in a tree. I tried to climb up to rescue it. But it kept climbing higher. I was about to grab the cat when I fell. The cat then jumped down and started purring. FML

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By pootie - 11/12/2013 13:14 - United States - Miami

Today, I farted so loud that I woke myself up. And the stranger sitting next to me on the airplane. FML

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By theshameofit - 1/2/2011 17:42 - Cyprus

Today, at a restaurant, I ordered the best chocolate soufflé on the menu, which was called "Double Satisfaction". The waiter asked me what would I like to order. The words that came out of my mouth were "Double Orgasm". FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2020 09:00

Honor amongst maids

Today, a good friend from childhood, who was my maid of honor four years ago, got married. Without me knowing about it. FML

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By badtrip - 3/3/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was packing for her study abroad program. Jokingly, I got her a pack of condoms. She laughed, saying "Oh yeah, I'll definitely need some of those." Later, I showed up to take her to the airport and saw her open suitcase in the kitchen, with the condoms on top. FML

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By bowler99 - 12/1/2015 16:43 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my little brother walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex and threatened to tell my parents. I paid him $30 to keep quiet. 15 minutes later he told them. FML

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By holy sleet - 29/11/2013 21:49 - United States - Rochester

Today, while ice-skating with my girlfriend, I tried to do what they do in the movies and make her gently fall into my arms. Instead she slipped, fell, and hit her head on the ice. FML

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By sick of this shit - 6/2/2016 05:04 - Canada - Kelowna

Today, my grandma got drunk, tried to change the TV channel with my Xbox controller, and slurred at me to fuck off when I told her it wasn't the remote. She pulls this kind of crap way too often. FML

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Top comments

By Oh__Shit | 0

#2400 - Sunday 15 February 2009 20:50

thats a little creepy, jacking off to a pic of your ex?

By up_up_up | 0

#42302 - Thursday 19 March 2009 7:40

"Hmm... well... I'm on AIM with my friends... huh.. nothing much happening, I guess. What's this, an old picture of my ex? Huh.. wow. Forgot how hot she looked. Think I might just casually jack off now. Formal masturbating isn't really what I'm up for today. Oh, looks like Fred's IMing me.. I'm just getting warmed up here, might as well look at it. Oh god! Oh god! Oh god! Was that a...?! Bending over?!? She was...!?! Granny?!? Ughhh! Oh god. Oh god."

COMMENTS

By Oh__Shit | 0

#2400 - Sunday 15 February 2009 20:50

thats a little creepy, jacking off to a pic of your ex?

flabbergaste22 | 0

#843577 - Thursday 11 February 2010 5:26

is that because you're into grannies now? 

OmgGuessWhatChic | 0

#860020 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 1:34

thats hot

ZTB13 | 4

#1129280 - Friday 23 July 2010 18:29

He left out one little bit of info between ex-girlfriend and the comma which was "while crying"

Mesocoollike | 8

#1538533 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 17:52

Probably one of those stalkers

KrazyKatz333 | 15

#6716624 - Saturday 26 November 2016 20:29

I don't see the problem here. He obviously thought she was hot and maybe he had some sexy pictures of her. If she was the one who ended the relationship he probably still had feelings for her.

By Easy_Target | 0

#6068 - Monday 23 February 2009 23:37

See you in ten years, erections!!

By HeadBuster138 | 0

#10531 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:48

^ ^ lol

MrBoredomioo | 18

#5770918 - Thursday 28 November 2013 7:31

Oh thank goodness. If you had not told me to laugh out loud, I would never have know to laugh at that comment. Also, thanks for conveniently pointing out which comment you meant. Truly thankful :-)

By HyperFlirt | 0

#20914 - Sunday 8 March 2009 5:44

To...a picture of your ex? I feel a sudden large amount of pity for her.

By mylifesucks52 | 0

#32262 - Sunday 15 March 2009 3:31

whyy the hell were you jacking off to a pic of your ex??
it would sorta freak me out knowing my ex still jacks of to pictures of me..

Flubberwuffer | 9

#6369742 - Monday 3 August 2015 6:43

I would be proud that my ex still think I'm hot

By Root123 | 0

#34046 - Monday 16 March 2009 4:57

Perhaps his ex was exceptionally attractive?

By hawaiianxpunchx3 | 0

#40095 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 14:33

um....casually?

By rebel_brat_baby | 0

#41020 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 22:21

My ex still jacks off to mine.

ilovechuux13 | 0

#967521 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 23:21

I don't see why...

aoife123 | 0

#1021788 - Sunday 6 June 2010 20:43

harsh :L

tkdgold03 | 5

#2422018 - Thursday 28 April 2011 6:53

your really pretty 48!

By up_up_up | 0

#42302 - Thursday 19 March 2009 7:40

Ashter | 20

#395462 - Tuesday 14 July 2009 15:58

Hahaha! This made me laugh more than the fml itself.

MLSxxox | 3

#571768 - Friday 18 September 2009 13:47

LMAO #13!!!

Oh, btw, OP, thats pretty sad that you're jacking off to a picture of your EX.

BUHLAWFOOLxD | 0

#971756 - Wednesday 31 March 2010 7:34

Maybe it was a nakey pic o.O I'm sure he wasn't just jacking off to her yearbook pic or something, it's really not as creepy as you all make it out to be. -.- plenty of men Jack off to nakey photos.. PORN >.< and photos of exes are probably cheaper and bring back fond memories, rather than buying porn, nothing against porn though 0.0 just saying.

cjane007 | 0

#980251 - Friday 16 April 2010 6:14

haha you wrote what everyone was thinking

Petunia888 | 13

#2374855 - Tuesday 19 April 2011 22:43

That is hilarious!

Littlebrraatt | 14

#2817413 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:35

FTW... LOL

By B00_fml | 0

#55993 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 22:00

That's why you don't masturbate with an IM service logged in, you idiot. Guess being completely blind has benefits.