Intimacy: Today, I was jacking off casually to a picture of my ex-girlfriend,... - FML

By Anonymous - 18/12/2008 04:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was jacking off casually to a picture of my ex-girlfriend, when all of the sudden, my friend sends me an IM picture of a granny bending over which pops up on my screen. I think my sex life is ruined forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 621

You deserved it 32 454

Taking stock

Sorry…

How? Why? What?

By Synonymous_Rex - 05/01/2015 21:26 - United States - Thousand Oaks

Today, I went to gather the laundry out of the dryer. My daughter had seen my wife put bleach in the washer, so she decided that honey in the dryer would make the clothes smell sweet. She wasn't wrong, but now I have a giant ball of sticky socks and underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 730

You deserved it 2 807

Bad timing

By Anna - 20/12/2020 05:02

Today, it's the first day of a long-needed vacation after weeks of stress and overtime. I'm having such intense period cramps, I'm bathed in sweat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 883

You deserved it 52

Keep your distance

By Anonymous - 25/02/2021 20:01 - Australia

Today, as I served an elderly man at the fast-food restaurant where I work, he leaned over the counter so that his face was mere inches from mine and asked me if I wanted to buy his car. When I politely told him I wasn't interested, he insisted on making a complaint about me to my manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 802

You deserved it 61

Heavy sandwich, man

By Anonymous - 07/06/2021 22:01

Today, I was sitting on park bench eating a sandwich when suddenly the bench broke and I fell and broke my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 900

You deserved it 86

Christmas shopping

By Anonymous - 26/12/2019 20:00

Spicy

Today, my family and I went to the mall. We all split up in a department store to shop for our own clothes. While shopping, I caught my dad feeling up a mannequin in the back corner of the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 194

You deserved it 200

By agh marriage - 11/10/2012 05:56 - Australia - Albany Creek

Today, I was placed firmly in the friend-zone. By my wife. We've been married 10 years. She doesn't want a divorce, she says it'd be too "time-consuming." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 594

You deserved it 2 491

By FingerBang - 21/10/2009 06:32 - Australia

Today, whilst holding a hand rail on a packed bus, I was rubbing my hand along, and playing with, what I thought was a join in the metal. It was an old woman's finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 038

You deserved it 34 056

Terminology

By yummy - 30/05/2011 03:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 519

You deserved it 84 023

By Anonymous - 25/12/2012 07:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, after giving my mother and my girlfriend their Christmas presents, I realized just how similar they looked both in box size and wrapping paper. I noticed after my mother gasped upon finding a vibrator in her box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 818

You deserved it 55 335

By Anonymous - 10/09/2019 02:02

Today, despite filling all the parameters for a model employee and being praised by multiple people over the time I was working, I was fired because a client complained to my manager that I didn't seem to know what I was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 613

You deserved it 116

By liLbob6598 - 10/01/2012 02:34 - United States

Today, I received a string of blank texts from an unknown number. When I asked who it was, I got a list of every place I've been over the last three days. I'm scared to leave the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 903

You deserved it 2 631

By screwed - 04/01/2010 05:29 - United States

Today, I was rejected for an internship due to 'lack of experience.' I have both an MA and a BA from a highly prestigious school and years of work experience. My would-be superior: a 24 year old without a graduate degree and only one year of work experience. She wore jeans to the interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 326

You deserved it 3 639

By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 08:46 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over with a broken engraved bracelet that I paid 50 dollars for. I was so angry but when I stated "I am going to call them and get a new one!" my boyfriend said back to me "No it's okay, I didn't really like it anyways." It was for our 2 year anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 004

You deserved it 15 187

Potterheads, man…

By Anonymous - 14/04/2012 02:06 - France

Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 763

You deserved it 61 936

By oldlady - 08/11/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, after a trip to my doctor I found out that my recent mood swings and hot flashes are the result of a hormonal imbalance that mimics the effects of menopause. I'm a 17 year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 068

You deserved it 2 448

By flatfoot - 09/08/2012 19:33 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I discovered the crunching noise your foot will make if you accidentally drop a cement block on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 194

You deserved it 3 001

By DFR - 09/06/2010 13:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a really really romantic way. After we called our parents to tell them the news, he turned to me and said, "Hey, I hope you know this doesn't mean you can start getting lazy with your blowjobs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 551

You deserved it 23 651

By cars hate me - 26/02/2017 11:00 - United States - Compton

Today, my car was rear-ended and totaled. Last year, during the same month, my previous car was rear-ended and totaled. I should just stop driving during the month of February. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 097

You deserved it 408

By Jerf - 24/06/2009 00:56 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on, and listening to loud music when she suddenly looked worried and asked if I heard something. I said no and continued. Moments later, three firemen opened the bedroom door and told us to get dressed and go outside because the building was on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 818

You deserved it 9 772

By Etta - 04/03/2017 22:00 - United States

Today, I stayed home from work, feeling ill. Come lunch time, I made myself some ramen noodles, thinking that the broth would feel good on my throat. Too bad I sneezed while carrying the bowl, dumping the boiling hot broth all down my front. The skin on my boob peeled away like tissue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 426

You deserved it 561

Golden child

By Dina - 15/07/2021 14:01

Today, I found out my mother would rather sleep than attend my soccer games, volleyball tournaments, or see me win any awards. However, she was present to see the dog get potty trained, filming the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 885

You deserved it 79

By Anonymous - 14/08/2012 05:16 - United States - Norfolk

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend used various infomercial phrases like, "Wait, there's more!" during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 327

You deserved it 4 903

By Anonymous - 17/06/2013 05:54 - United States

Today, I lost my virginity. Not only did my parents somehow find out, they posted about it on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 248

You deserved it 11 238

Comedian

By WoofWoof - 27/09/2020 14:01 - Pakistan - Islamabad

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that getting on all fours and barking at my penis for fun in the center of a mall is extremely inappropriate. She thinks otherwise, and promises to do it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 319

You deserved it 396

By blackberrybummer - 25/07/2010 05:57 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend decided he would do his job while I did my "job" on top of him. He whips out his Blackberry and completely ignores me to send e-mails to co-workers reminding them about the 10 a.m. meeting scheduled for the next morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 944

You deserved it 5 610

By Kerkie - 24/01/2018 19:30 - United States - North Kingstown

Today, my 12-year-old stepchild told me he’s been deliberately wetting - and sometimes crapping - the bed because he’s too lazy to get up and knows it’s someone else’s problem to clean up after him. It’s been going on for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 515

You deserved it 802

Messy

By Danielle Heichelbech - 15/11/2020 20:01

Today my 28-year-old husband got bored while cleaning the car. So he decided to stage a "crumb sacrifice to the vacuum gods" to "ensure a bountiful harvest." FML

I agree, your life sucks 657

You deserved it 271

By Dante - 07/01/2011 00:26

Today, I fell and got a nasty cut above my right eye. The doctor in the ER sealed the wound with surgical glue. He also glued his glove to my eyebrow, and let glue run onto my eyelid. Not only do I have a scar and medical bill, I now have no eyebrow or eyelashes on my right eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 688

You deserved it 2 450

By dogbait - 14/02/2010 05:07 - France

Today, my neighbor's dog bit me, it was extremely painful. The gash in my leg was deep and bleeding like crazy. When I finally got into my house screaming in agonizing pain, my mother said "Quit bitching, walk it off and you'll be fine." My leg is purple now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 886

You deserved it 3 323

Whine whine whine

By Anonymous - 11/02/2021 15:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, it snowed. Rather than enjoy the view, my roommate had to complain every five minutes about the mentally challenged neighbor shovelling snow all day long. As long as he doesn't shovel it into my yard, I really don't care what he does to pass the time in lockdown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 755

You deserved it 63

By Anonymous - 27/09/2010 13:17 - Australia

Today, I was playing with my dog, teasing her, to cheer myself up after being dumped by my girlfriend. My dog bit me hard and I had to go to hospital. The dog has to be put down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 693

You deserved it 10 941

By JCruz411 - 21/01/2010 13:10 - France

Today, I talked to my ex on AIM after not speaking to her since we broke up two years ago. The conversation lead up to her asking how I feel about her. So I poured my heart and soul out to her, because I still love her. She immediately logged off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 017

You deserved it 32 717

Honest discrimination

By erin - 16/05/2021 17:01

Today, I was called fatphobic for rejecting an overweight man who asked me on a date. I don’t know how to force myself to be attracted to fat people. There’s just nothing there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 067

You deserved it 206

By Anonymous - 21/08/2012 00:46 - United States - Oregon

Today, at football practice, the biggest lineman shouldered me so hard in the groin that my protective cup pushed back with enough force to crack the bone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 734

You deserved it 2 113

Thanks, government

By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 16:58

Today, I'm at North Fort Hood deploying with the Army Reserves, where the motto is, "You'll prefer to be in Iraq." We're in COVID quarantine with over 100 people in our barracks. We may never get out of here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 827

You deserved it 119

By ItRainedOutside - 06/01/2013 08:49 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, after 3 years with my dream girl, I decided to pop the question by making her complete a scavenger hunt ending in her finding me, suit and everything, by the park bench where we had our first kiss. She came home tired and, instead of following the clues, decided to watch TV all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 423

You deserved it 5 244

By A. - 15/04/2009 07:48 - Canada

Today, after two weeks of living on plain pasta, I finally got my paycheck and was excited that I'd get real food, and ride the subway instead of exhausting my malnourished body with the two-hour walk to work. My surname was misspelt on the check; the bank is holding it for ten days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 177

You deserved it 4 076

By flop of shame - 17/08/2019 16:00

Today, I was walking into work holding a coffee and a bunch of other things. My employee saw me and held the door. I was almost there when I dropped my coffee, tried to catch it, tripped over the curb and fell flat on my face. I heard the door close while still lying there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 539

You deserved it 169

By Anonymous - 11/04/2013 19:38 - United Kingdom - Bridgnorth

Today, I came home after working overtime to find my dog whining and giving me her "I need to take a shit" face. After changing my shoes, I came back ready to let her out, only to find her giving me the "I just took a shit on your rug" face. My husband has been home all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 399

You deserved it 8 449

By wdavi022 - 05/01/2011 09:01

Today, I found out my identity was stolen. The person got credit cards in my name and didn't pay the bills, which has ruined my near perfect credit. The worst part about all of this is that I can't turn the person in. It's my mom, and sending her to jail wouldn't really work out for anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 371

You deserved it 5 417

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Sunday 15 February 2009 20:50

thats a little creepy, jacking off to a pic of your ex?

Send a private message

Thursday 19 March 2009 7:40

"Hmm... well... I'm on AIM with my friends... huh.. nothing much happening, I guess. What's this, an old picture of my ex? Huh.. wow. Forgot how hot she looked. Think I might just casually jack off now. Formal masturbating isn't really what I'm up for today. Oh, looks like Fred's IMing me.. I'm just getting warmed up here, might as well look at it. Oh god! Oh god! Oh god! Was that a...?! Bending over?!? She was...!?! Granny?!? Ughhh! Oh god. Oh god."

Comments

Send a private message

Sunday 15 February 2009 20:50

thats a little creepy, jacking off to a pic of your ex?

flabbergaste22 0

Send a private message

Thursday 11 February 2010 5:26

is that because you're into grannies now? 

OmgGuessWhatChic 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 16 February 2010 1:34

thats hot

ZTB13 4

Send a private message

Friday 23 July 2010 18:29

He left out one little bit of info between ex-girlfriend and the comma which was "while crying"

Send a private message

Tuesday 12 October 2010 17:52

Probably one of those stalkers

KrazyKatz333 15

Send a private message

Saturday 26 November 2016 20:29

I don't see the problem here. He obviously thought she was hot and maybe he had some sexy pictures of her. If she was the one who ended the relationship he probably still had feelings for her.

Send a private message

Monday 23 February 2009 23:37

See you in ten years, erections!!

HeadBuster138 0

Send a private message

Monday 2 March 2009 2:48

^ ^ lol

MrBoredomioo 18

Send a private message

Thursday 28 November 2013 7:31

Oh thank goodness. If you had not told me to laugh out loud, I would never have know to laugh at that comment. Also, thanks for conveniently pointing out which comment you meant. Truly thankful :-)

Send a private message

Sunday 8 March 2009 5:44

To...a picture of your ex? I feel a sudden large amount of pity for her.

mylifesucks52 0

Send a private message

Sunday 15 March 2009 3:31

whyy the hell were you jacking off to a pic of your ex?? it would sorta freak me out knowing my ex still jacks of to pictures of me..

Flubberwuffer 9

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 6:43

I would be proud that my ex still think I'm hot

Send a private message

Monday 16 March 2009 4:57

Perhaps his ex was exceptionally attractive?

hawaiianxpunchx3 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 March 2009 14:33

um....casually?

rebel_brat_baby 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 March 2009 22:21

My ex still jacks off to mine.

Send a private message

Wednesday 24 March 2010 23:21

I don't see why...

Send a private message

Sunday 6 June 2010 20:43

harsh :L

Send a private message

Thursday 28 April 2011 6:53

your really pretty 48!

Send a private message

Thursday 19 March 2009 7:40

"Hmm... well... I'm on AIM with my friends... huh.. nothing much happening, I guess. What's this, an old picture of my ex? Huh.. wow. Forgot how hot she looked. Think I might just casually jack off now. Formal masturbating isn't really what I'm up for today. Oh, looks like Fred's IMing me.. I'm just getting warmed up here, might as well look at it. Oh god! Oh god! Oh god! Was that a...?! Bending over?!? She was...!?! Granny?!? Ughhh! Oh god. Oh god."

Ashter 20

Send a private message

Tuesday 14 July 2009 15:58

Hahaha! This made me laugh more than the fml itself.

Send a private message

Friday 18 September 2009 13:47

LMAO #13!!! Oh, btw, OP, thats pretty sad that you're jacking off to a picture of your EX.

Send a private message

Wednesday 31 March 2010 7:34

Maybe it was a nakey pic o.O I'm sure he wasn't just jacking off to her yearbook pic or something, it's really not as creepy as you all make it out to be. -.- plenty of men Jack off to nakey photos.. PORN >.< and photos of exes are probably cheaper and bring back fond memories, rather than buying porn, nothing against porn though 0.0 just saying.

Send a private message

Friday 16 April 2010 6:14

haha you wrote what everyone was thinking

Send a private message

Tuesday 19 April 2011 22:43

That is hilarious!

Littlebrraatt 14

Send a private message

Monday 4 July 2011 8:35

FTW... LOL

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 March 2009 22:00

That's why you don't masturbate with an IM service logged in, you idiot. Guess being completely blind has benefits.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 6

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 46

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 340

You deserved it 38