Intimacy: Today, I was jacking off casually to a picture of my ex-girlfriend,...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was jacking off casually to a picture of my ex-girlfriend, when all of the sudden, my friend sends me an IM picture of a granny bending over which pops up on my screen. I think my sex life is ruined forever. FML

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Intimacy

Commando

Lockdown is driving us down

This is fine

By screwed - United States - Amarillo

Today, I had to give a deposition ahead of a trial in which my former boss is accused of fraud. I'm not a smart man, and I smoked a joint before heading out to try to calm my nerves. I got way too high and ended up giggling like an idiot through half the deposition. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I asked my parents if I had a college fund because I will be going to university in two years. They laughed. FML

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By fr1day - Australia

Today, it's my birthday but I had to go to work. I catch the train and I am forced to sit next to this weird smelly dude who jumps off one stop before mine. A little old lady jumps on so I shuffle over so she can sit down with ease. Upon exiting the train i notice my pants are wet with smelly dude's piss. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 23:03 - Canada

Fucking Facebook memories

Today, Facebook showed me pictures from five years of a happy time I had traveling with a boyfriend, who later ended our 8-year relationship by telling me he had gotten an apartment and furniture in secret, and was moving out. No warning, no reason, no explanation. He never spoke to me again. I loved him. FML

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By tired of my job - Canada - Surrey

Today, I was at work, stocking shelves. A customer got mad because I was in the way of her "shopping time" and knocked down all the work I had done. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - University Park

Today, I was walking around my college campus when someone asked me if I had gotten separated from my tour group. He didn't believe me when I said I was a student there. This happens all the time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that he needed some time alone for a few weeks. This break just so happens to include our one year anniversary, Christmas, New Year's, and my birthday. Now I get to spend the next three weeks alone. FML

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By SeeingGreen - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my ex popped up as someone I might know as instagram, complete with his workout photos. My fiance is mad at me for showing these to my family, even though the consensus is that my ex looks like a condom stuffed with marbles. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home. As a volunteer, I'm not supposed to accept any money or gifts from any of the residents. However, one elderly woman kept insisting I take her gold watch. After politely refusing for the fifth time, she decided to chuck it at my face. FML

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By traumatized4life - United States

Today, I woke up to two text messages from my mother. The first said, "You could've had this for breakfast. How do you like your eggs?" The next text was a picture message of her naked. I think it was meant to be sent to her boyfriend. FML

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By Sarah - United States - Pipersville

Today, a hobo shook me down for money on the street. He's my brother, who incidentally ran away from home over two years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I met up with a girl I've been talking to on the internet for a year and a half. Turns out she edits her moustache out of all her photos. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 23:01 - United States - Norwich

Big tongue logging on

Today, I spent seven dollars to find out I’m allergic to kiwi. FML

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By Shino

Today, my fiancé's mother made him pack his stuff and move to Montana while I was at work. I came home to a half-written note because she wouldn’t let him finish. We own a house together. FML

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By paddy - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a neon themed party. Standing by the UV light, I looked down and realised my pad was glowing through my tights. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I found out that my flatmate wears my underwear. FML

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By partypooper - United Kingdom

Today, my parents are on holiday, which means I have the house to myself. Wild parties? Hot girls? Loads of beer? No. Flu. FML

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By blabbermouth - South Africa - Port Elizabeth

Today, my boyfriend and I made love for the first time. Before we left his house so he could walk me home, I fixed my hair by the hall mirror and joked about having serious sex hair. My boyfriend quickly reminded me that his incredibly religious mother was in the next room. FML

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By boardwalk the fuck out of my resturaunt - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I received a tip in Monopoly money. FML

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By nomorecleanballs4u - United States - Tacoma

Today, my husband received a package in the mail containing a bottle of billiard ball cleaner for our pool table. Yes, billiard ball cleaner. I can't get that slovenly wretch to clean a toilet to save his life, but now he's determined to have the shiniest balls on the block. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Southfield

Today, my fully grown, 90-pound German Shepherd sniffed and wagged his tail as a guy mugged me. FML

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By sofargone420 - United States

Today, I was in a restroom sitting on the toilet, when the guy right next to me noticed my AC/DC boxers around my ankles and started to sing "Back in Black." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that while I was in the ICU for having had a life-threatening seizure, my boyfriend was out partying with other girls. His excuse was that he needed to find a new girl if I died. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cheering up the girl I've been in love with for years. She was having one of those, "I'm ugly, no one wants to be with me" days. To cheer herself up, she said to me, "If you were a hot guy, you'd date me, right?" FML

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By I write sins not other people's essays - United States - King George

Today, my mom woke me up in the middle of the night to make me help my brother write an essay. I read what he wrote so far, gave him my suggestions, and went back to bed. She woke me up 30 mins later because he just sat and stared at his paper instead of fixing anything. Somehow that's my fault. FML

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By ur_life_dus_suck - United States - Wayne

Today, my mom celebrated a year's sobriety by having a couple of beers with her boyfriend. FML

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By itisthedude - United States

Today, I was walking with my very attractive friend who I like a lot. She then told me that her roomate wouldn't be home tonight, and if I wanted, I could come over and study history. I didn't get it. I told her no thanks, that I was covered, and it was chem I needed to study. An hour later, I understood. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Medication shutdown

Today, I realized that due to my anti-depressants, I can no longer orgasm. At. All. Which depresses me more. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my landlord informed me that after 8 months, we are finally getting cable and internet in our house. I move out tomorrow. FML

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By ohshittttttt - United States

Today, I set my AIM status to be the currently-playing file on my iTunes. I've downloaded a lot of porn to my iTunes, and I wanted to watch some. My status changed to "Girl in Latex gets fucked in the ass." FML

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By Nicole - United States

Today, while in Walmart, I noticed an old man who had been following me for about five minutes. I politely pulled over with my cart and smiled at him so he could pass. He then said with a creepy smile, "So it's your turn to stare at my butt now?" It's the most attention I've gotten in weeks. FML

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By Elevated fear

Today, I finally sought help for my crippling fear of elevators. When I arrived at my new therapist's office, I found the door to the stairs locked. To get to my appointment on the third floor of the building, I have to take the elevator. FML

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By Marona - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, after a discussion, my boyfriend said, "I think it's time you found somebody better." After I gave him a look, he continued, "For me." FML

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By not a dumbass pothead - United States - Sparks

Today, I went out drinking with my tattoo artist brother-in-law. I was so wasted that I agreed to let him try working on me. I woke up with a tattoo of an animated marijuana plant smoking a cigarette. This'll look just great when I'm defending clients in court. FML

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By melyeah - Australia - Sydney

Today, to avoid a massive delay on our scheduled flight at the airport, we were generously moved to an earlier flight home. An hour later, our new flight had been cancelled and they told us we'd be stuck at the airport overnight. Our original flight took off fine. FML

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By epiiphany - United States

Today, my little brother got mad at me, so he colored the entire screen of my new iPod Touch with a black sharpie. FML

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By Lexxiluvstwat

Today, I was written up at work and sent home 20 minutes into my shift. My boss thought I was under the influence of something, but it’s really just the first time I’ve come to work with no makeup on. FML

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By caleighrossi - United States - Ottumwa

Today, I was working my shift at our local nursing home. I was assisting a "sweet", "innocent" 100-year-old lady, and she had a bunch of used tissues balled up in her lap, so I offered to dispose of them in the waste-basket. She told me that if I touched them, she would kill everything I love. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 02:02

Overreaction much?

Today, I accidentally washed the jacket my mother bought me in the washing machine. I didn't know it was supposed to be dry cleaned. My mother ended up crying and screaming that I don't love her, and this would be the last time she ever buys me anything. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Wolcott

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She just grabbed the ring and said in a raspy voice, "My precious..." FML

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Top comments

By Oh__Shit | 0

#2400 - Sunday 15 February 2009 20:50

thats a little creepy, jacking off to a pic of your ex?

By up_up_up | 0

#42302 - Thursday 19 March 2009 7:40

"Hmm... well... I'm on AIM with my friends... huh.. nothing much happening, I guess. What's this, an old picture of my ex? Huh.. wow. Forgot how hot she looked. Think I might just casually jack off now. Formal masturbating isn't really what I'm up for today. Oh, looks like Fred's IMing me.. I'm just getting warmed up here, might as well look at it. Oh god! Oh god! Oh god! Was that a...?! Bending over?!? She was...!?! Granny?!? Ughhh! Oh god. Oh god."

COMMENTS

By Oh__Shit | 0

#2400 - Sunday 15 February 2009 20:50

thats a little creepy, jacking off to a pic of your ex?

flabbergaste22 | 0

#843577 - Thursday 11 February 2010 5:26

is that because you're into grannies now? 

OmgGuessWhatChic | 0

#860020 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 1:34

thats hot

ZTB13 | 4

#1129280 - Friday 23 July 2010 18:29

He left out one little bit of info between ex-girlfriend and the comma which was "while crying"

Mesocoollike | 8

#1538533 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 17:52

Probably one of those stalkers

KrazyKatz333 | 15

#6716624 - Saturday 26 November 2016 20:29

I don't see the problem here. He obviously thought she was hot and maybe he had some sexy pictures of her. If she was the one who ended the relationship he probably still had feelings for her.

By Easy_Target | 0

#6068 - Monday 23 February 2009 23:37

See you in ten years, erections!!

By HeadBuster138 | 0

#10531 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:48

^ ^ lol

MrBoredomioo | 18

#5770918 - Thursday 28 November 2013 7:31

Oh thank goodness. If you had not told me to laugh out loud, I would never have know to laugh at that comment. Also, thanks for conveniently pointing out which comment you meant. Truly thankful :-)

By HyperFlirt | 0

#20914 - Sunday 8 March 2009 5:44

To...a picture of your ex? I feel a sudden large amount of pity for her.

By mylifesucks52 | 0

#32262 - Sunday 15 March 2009 3:31

whyy the hell were you jacking off to a pic of your ex??
it would sorta freak me out knowing my ex still jacks of to pictures of me..

Flubberwuffer | 9

#6369742 - Monday 3 August 2015 6:43

I would be proud that my ex still think I'm hot

By Root123 | 0

#34046 - Monday 16 March 2009 4:57

Perhaps his ex was exceptionally attractive?

By hawaiianxpunchx3 | 0

#40095 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 14:33

um....casually?

By rebel_brat_baby | 0

#41020 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 22:21

My ex still jacks off to mine.

ilovechuux13 | 0

#967521 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 23:21

I don't see why...

aoife123 | 0

#1021788 - Sunday 6 June 2010 20:43

harsh :L

tkdgold03 | 5

#2422018 - Thursday 28 April 2011 6:53

your really pretty 48!

By up_up_up | 0

#42302 - Thursday 19 March 2009 7:40

Ashter | 20

#395462 - Tuesday 14 July 2009 15:58

Hahaha! This made me laugh more than the fml itself.

MLSxxox | 3

#571768 - Friday 18 September 2009 13:47

LMAO #13!!!

Oh, btw, OP, thats pretty sad that you're jacking off to a picture of your EX.

BUHLAWFOOLxD | 0

#971756 - Wednesday 31 March 2010 7:34

Maybe it was a nakey pic o.O I'm sure he wasn't just jacking off to her yearbook pic or something, it's really not as creepy as you all make it out to be. -.- plenty of men Jack off to nakey photos.. PORN >.< and photos of exes are probably cheaper and bring back fond memories, rather than buying porn, nothing against porn though 0.0 just saying.

cjane007 | 0

#980251 - Friday 16 April 2010 6:14

haha you wrote what everyone was thinking

Petunia888 | 13

#2374855 - Tuesday 19 April 2011 22:43

That is hilarious!

Littlebrraatt | 14

#2817413 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:35

FTW... LOL

By B00_fml | 0

#55993 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 22:00

That's why you don't masturbate with an IM service logged in, you idiot. Guess being completely blind has benefits.