Animals: Today, I tried to explain to my cat why I was single, but then... - FML

By CatLover<3 - 18/06/2013 23:27 - United States - Cibolo

Today, I tried to explain to my cat why I was single, but then I realized why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 450

You deserved it 21 881

This Charming Man

Age difference

Our house, in the middle of our street

By ticket - 06/10/2009 15:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a ticket for having my brights on. The street was pitch black and it was 1:30 in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 889

You deserved it 6 853

By Anonymous - 01/06/2013 07:51 - United States - Portland

Spicy

Today, I was making love to my fiancée, when she dug her nails into my back and told me to "choke" her like I did last night. I was at work last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 900

You deserved it 6 146

By Anonymous - 14/09/2012 05:28 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my mother rubbing one out. For the third time. I then had to explain to her, also for the third time, why pleasuring herself in the living room is inappropriate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 933

You deserved it 2 769

By Anonymous - 21/05/2012 01:10 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, someone threw an open soda can at me from a car. It missed, so they circled around and threw an unopened can. That one hit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 006

You deserved it 2 015

By smalltownkid - 01/03/2015 23:22 - United States - Houston

Today, I moved to a big city, alone, from a small town. After convincing myself it wasn't that scary, I hailed my first cab. The driver spent the 30 minute ride from the airport telling me about how "sometimes, you just gotta shoot a guy" because if they steal your shoes, they deserve it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 385

You deserved it 2 958

By Anonymous - 06/10/2018 17:30

Today, my husband cancelled our internet and cable package because we’re having money problems. I work from home and need the internet to do so. I guess getting a job of his own wasn’t an option. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 753

You deserved it 306

By chickennbenchpress - 31/05/2011 17:05 - Canada

Today, I was on my third date with a really hot girl. A guy walked by singing the Pokémon theme song. She started making fun of the guy, mocking his immaturity. I joined in order to keep the conversation going. Everything was going great but then my phone rang. It was the Pokémon theme song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 025

You deserved it 81 239

By Anonymous - 15/06/2009 18:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a horrible day at work, came home early and burst into tears as soon as I was in the door. I curled up on the sofa, still bawling, and my cat came over and jumped up for a cuddle. I gave her a hug and she threw up down my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 931

You deserved it 4 730

By Anonymous - 28/09/2013 04:08 - United States - Bloomdale

Today, my husband and I switched phones by accident. I've already received several naked pictures from one of his co-workers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 629

You deserved it 4 385

Volcanic eruption

By Anonymous - 10/01/2020 18:00

Spicy

Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 223

You deserved it 920

By skinnyguy23 - 10/09/2014 22:40 - United States - Briarcliff Manor

Today, I received a package. When my mom asked what I had bought, I had told her that I had ordered dumbbells and was going to start lifting. She laughed her way into the kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 449

You deserved it 3 613

By Anonymous - 29/06/2014 17:26 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my wife has a bruise on her cheek from a nasty trip while practicing her yoga. She now thinks it's hilarious to flinch in public when I get near her, and keeps telling people she "walked into a door". I've gotten more dirty looks than I can count. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 217

You deserved it 5 147

By ProudMamma - 14/09/2016 01:50 - Canada - Oakville

Today, my ex came back into my life, professing his love and begging for another chance. This begging act ended rather suddenly once he remembered I have a daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 270

You deserved it 1 138

By Anonymous - 20/12/2012 19:50 - Spain - Santa Cruz De Tenerife

Today, I was woken up by my dog scratching at my door. After a while of this, I finally got up to let her in. When I opened the door, she looked at me, threw up, and scurried away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 936

You deserved it 9 646

By iAmJasper - 17/09/2014 21:56 - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, my friends came over to my house to eat my food and make fun of me as they played on my Xbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 349

You deserved it 8 848

Compassionate

By Anonymous - 30/05/2021 14:01

Today, my mom died of COVID. As I was crying in her hospital room, my husband asked if it was OK for him to leave to take a business call, and our daughter asked if she could leave because she was bored and wanted to meet her boyfriend at a bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 572

You deserved it 108

By Person - 11/11/2016 02:04

Today, my cousin invited me to an event that would be on Saturday night. The first thing I did after she texted me, was ask my mom if I could go. I'm 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 396

You deserved it 2 206

By Anonymous - 28/12/2013 00:05 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to wake me up by sprinkling catnip over me then dropping my cat on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 138

You deserved it 3 803

By Sapphire Mills - 28/11/2018 13:30

Today, it's my 2-year wedding anniversary. It also marks 2 years since my wife told me, "We're married now we don't need to have sex anymore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 412

You deserved it 531

Genetic test

By Anonymous - 12/10/2021 02:00

Today, it's not fair: I’ve seen my twin brother drink 2 full bottles of whiskey without getting more than tipsy, then go to work the next day completely fine on only 2 hours sleep, meanwhile I get completely trashed if I have more than 3 normal pints and take days to recover from the hangover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 750

You deserved it 287

By HOe HOe HOe - 02/11/2011 02:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held his hands against the bed, and whispered, "Have you been a bad boy?" Thinking he'd say something kinky back, he replied "Yes Santa" then burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 960

You deserved it 16 203

By newly passed, newly grassed - 06/12/2014 17:04 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, while driving home, I swerved to avoid turning a duck and her babies into roadkill. Another car was coming around a sharp bend at the time and swerved to avoid hitting me. In the end, we both ran our cars off the road, and he took out several ducks in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 066

You deserved it 8 363

By stupiddog - 15/04/2014 12:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my house was robbed. My two 70-pound German Shepherds obeyed me when I told them to attack. They also obeyed the robber when he said, "Sit". FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 273

You deserved it 5 258

By Anonymous - 31/03/2009 18:45 - United States

Today, while walking to class enjoying the warmer weather, a bee flew down my shirt. I'm allergic to bees so I freaked out and started ripping my clothes off. By the time I was done, I was half naked and there was no bee in sight. Turns out, it was the string on my jacket hood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 051

You deserved it 33 195

By Anonymous - 11/10/2013 22:00 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I got into a fistfight with a complete idiot wearing a panda outfit. My face now looks like a real panda's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 446

You deserved it 17 581

By Sara246 - 19/08/2010 23:11 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, he asked which girl I'd found out about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 525

You deserved it 3 637

By mc_dreamy - 21/08/2010 16:49 - United States

Spicy

Today, I took my brother and nieces to the zoo. Two of the lions at the exhibit were mating, so I said, "They're playing leap-frog." My 4-year-old niece said, "Looks like they're fucking to me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 516

You deserved it 15 986

By Username - 19/10/2010 15:24 - France

Today, my boss told me that I'd confessed my love to him last night when he'd held my hair back as I puked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 677

You deserved it 34 899

By Anonymous - 30/03/2012 01:54 - United States - Natrona Heights

Today, I felt manly. I spent almost the entire day peeling paint, power sanding, and applying Spackle for my grandma. Strutting with masculinity, I headed for the shower, only to let out a womanly yelp at a spider hanging at eye level around a corner. Manliness gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 875

You deserved it 23 663

By Moeswifey - 24/10/2010 17:11 - United States

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend making breakfast. I thought he was making it for me, so I sat at the table. When he walked over with his plate, he said, "Oh, I didn't know you were here!" I'd slept in the same bed with him last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 342

You deserved it 4 518

By Anonymous - 30/10/2015 13:27 - United Kingdom - Tranent

Today, I was invited to my friend's wedding. I wouldn't mind, but she chose her now fiancé over me, despite him being in prison for assault, a heroin addict and a general dick. This was all because I accidentally called her stupid three years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 606

You deserved it 3 652

By rockstarohyeah - 02/07/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, I was given the best news of my life. I am cancer free and am not, at the ripe age of 23 going to bite the dust. My husband left his journal on the nightstand in our bedroom. He wrote, "I feel like a bad person, but if she dies, I don't have to get divorced." FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 885

You deserved it 4 835

By Anonymous - 20/12/2014 14:41 - Australia - Edgecliff

Today, I took a late-night shower. When I got out afterwards, the bathroom door was ajar, and I could have sworn I heard the faint patter of footsteps in the kitchen. "It's probably the cat," I told myself. Then I went upstairs and saw my cat asleep on my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 999

You deserved it 2 878

This is going well

By Anonymous - 25/04/2020 14:00

Today, my husband is so bored with speaking to me, he literally walked outside when I was mid-sentence during a conversation about how I need more attention in our relationship. We've only been married 3 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 823

You deserved it 359

By KP - 25/06/2009 16:22 - United States

Today, while I was working a customer notified me that the men's restroom need some attention. Thinking that there was just a small mess, I walked into the restroom only to discover someone had taken a crap in the sink. Guess who got to clean it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 043

You deserved it 3 077

By EggHead - 31/12/2014 04:38 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, at work, a 3-year-old threw an egg at me from his cart. I couldn't leave my register to clean my hair because it was too busy, so when the new manager came in, he wrote me up for "unkempt appearance." Now my new hire probation period is extended 30 days, and my nickname is "Egghead." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 926

You deserved it 2 581

By Anonymous - 04/02/2013 05:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was dragged to a Super Bowl party. While there, the host's kid threw 3 cups of apple sauce at my feet, which then exploded and covered my jeans. 10 minutes later, the host's wife announced that she was pregnant with twins. All I could come up with was, "You're making more!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 683

You deserved it 6 492

By Catremorse - 01/08/2019 14:00 - United States - Centreville

Today, my cat was laying on my chest while I was in bed. I farted, which my closed legs seemed to amplify. My cat was so scared, she used me as a launching pad and cut my chest in three places with her claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 303

You deserved it 517

By Anonymous - 30/05/2012 22:35 - Italy - Milan

Today, I finally summed up the courage to break up with my abusively controlling girlfriend. I don't know what I was thinking, but instead of leaving as a free man, I left as an engaged one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 638

You deserved it 47 965

By Anonymous - 25/12/2017 15:00

Today, I was in a huge traffic jam with my boyfriend due to heavy snowfall. After being in the car for 4 hours, we were stuck in a tunnel with hundreds of cars behind and in front of us. Then the diarrhea hit. I had to shit in a plastic bag in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 461

You deserved it 359

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Top comments

golden_warrior 23

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 12:03

There should be a dating site just for lonely cat lovers. There seem to be lot of them.

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 12:03

At least you have pussy.

Comments

golden_warrior 23

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 12:03

There should be a dating site just for lonely cat lovers. There seem to be lot of them.

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 12:13

Exactly, it could be called felinedesires.com or crazycatlove.net or maybe even crazypussylovers.com

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 12:40

I bet that last URL is already taken. Giggidy!

itsmichellebitch 16

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 12:50

it should be something like: myonlyfriendismycat.org or lonelycatlovers.com or helpmeineedfriends.net

DKjazz 20

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 13:26

It's a good idea, because all pairings start from a common interest. Often conversations are hard to start, but you can start by showing off your cats. Then your cats meet their cats, and you start a big cat family. I know of a very happy elderly couple who live this way now.

wavves 13

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 18:28

I've actually seen an advertisement for a dating website specifically for dog lovers…

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 19:24

That's nothing. I've been trying to explain to my snake why I don't get any action and he is not f*cking happy about it.

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 21:22

What about lonely cat lovers who don't own cats?

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 12:03

At least you have pussy.

flashback.miss 28

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 12:05

Hey, is your cat at least a good listener? But, you just got to take that first step and get out there. :) If this is something you don't like about yourself change it for your own happiness.

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 12:38

YOUR AVATAR. OW.

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 17:03

what the fuck is up with your profile pic!?

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 19:25

I saw this asked before... leeches, apparently. good for the eyeballs. mm.

worldclassrager 39

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 12:11

Cats always listen no matter what you say...he/she heard each word and will not say anything they are very good secret keepers...

TheBlossum123456 1

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Thursday 20 June 2013 4:09

I tried talking to my dog once. She kept giving me the "what the fuck is she saying to me?!?!" face.

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 12:11

Please to meet you, Jon Arbuckle...

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Thursday 20 June 2013 9:37

I think 'Garfield Minus Garfield' describes this situation the best. Jon just looks like a crazy dude if Garfield isn't answering him.

applebramble 22

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 12:12

I love making conversation with my cat! Example Cat: "meoww" me: no , you didn't! Really ? How was it? Cat: meowww me: aww honey , I'm sure you'll find another cat to hang with . I know it's weird but it's funny to me coz she meows everytime I say something so it's like a conversation (:

SystemofaBlink41 27

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 14:13

I have conversations with my dogs! They go something like this: "HOW'S MY LITTLE PUPPY DOG?? A YOO YOO YOO YOO?! BRRRRR!" And they just look at me as if they were sorry for humanity...

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 14:40

I get the same impression from my pets, like they're just frustrated that we never seem to be able to understand what they're after. The dog's pretty mellow, but I'm pretty sure the cat gets condescending about it.

Korosuhito 26

Wednesday 19 June 2013 12:13

Well, what did your cat say?

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 13:39

Miawwww

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 17:08

What OP isn't telling us is that his cat put on glasses, wrote out a flow chart, and explained in perfect english why OP's new cologne and hair style is making him unattractive.

cathyfang1533 12

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Thursday 20 June 2013 8:19

With a British accent?

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 12:13

Damn, go out and meet someone! The cat will eventually troll you like they seem to do all the time on here.

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 12:14

Why, because you have a TALKING CAT?! Seems like a chick magnet to me!

DKjazz 20

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 13:30

What would you think if some random man told you he had a talking cat, and to come to his house to see it?

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 15:07

#21 I'll probably go see it. Who wouldn't? It's a talking cat.

RedPillSucks 31

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 18:32

Seems to work for pedo bear with the talking cat in his van filled with candy.

skellingtonfart 18

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 12:15

I wouldn't worry about your sanity until your cat starts answering back!

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 7

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 164

You deserved it 82

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 403

You deserved it 44