Miscellaneous: Today, I was awoken at 1:30am by a strange noise, and something...

By Fran - New Zealand

Today, I was awoken at 1:30am by a strange noise, and something tugging on my hair. I opened my eyes, to find a very large rat sitting on my pillow, chewing my hair. FML

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Miscellaneous

Our house, in the middle of our street

Nice neighborhood

Motormouth

By Username - United States

Today, a fight broke out in a bar between several people, over some talk about one of their moms being somewhat inclined towards intercourse with her pets. I managed to slip out quietly with just a scratch from flying chair debris, despite having started the rumor. FML

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By crotchshothottie - United States

Today, I saw my picture in an architecture magazine. I'm not an architect. I was walking up a flight of "magnificently built" stairs as my skirt lifted to show an absence of underwear. FML

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By noporn4u - 3/10/2020 19:01 - United States - Kaukauna

Big bastard boss

Today, my time off request was rejected, and my boss promptly took the day off himself, claiming he has people coming to work on his house. We work from home. The day in question is my 5-year wedding anniversary. FML

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By HM - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I invited a guy I've been crushing on for ages to my house, and I really wanted to make a good impression. We were sitting in the living room having drinks when my cat came in, dragging a pair of my dirty underwear and dropped them right in front of us. FML

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34492

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By thepokemonkid - United States - Avon

Today, I finally made a Facebook account after being home-schooled my entire life. I friended people that I know and their friends, and subsequently sparked a debate on whether or not I exist. FML

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32230

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By Noname - United States

Today, my little sister and I were reading a book together and out of nowhere, she said "I love you". My heart melted and I told her that I love her too. Then she told me that she was talking to her stuffed animal, not me. FML

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38180

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By Person15 - United States

Today, I was at the mall and started singing along to the playing of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." A kid glanced at me and said to her mom, "She IS a hippopotamus." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. While he was dumping me, he was holding hands with his new girlfriend. FML

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43345

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By Happy Birthday

Today, my Dad gave me my birthday card. The envelope was blank, as was the card, and the £0.25 price tag was still on. He was fully aware of all these things, but handed it to me and said, "By the way, I didn't write anything." Happy birthday to me. FML

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3485

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By Anonymous - United States - Pocatello

Today, I approached a cute girl at a club, when she started barking at me like a rabid dog. Thinking she might be mentally unhinged, I left, only to see the same girl laughing her ass off with her friends minutes later. When I went back over, her friends started barking at me too. FML

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By faeliality - United States

Today, I discovered that yes, you CAN forget how to ride a bike. Too bad I discovered this in front of all my son's friends and their parents while at his birthday party. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working the lighting for a drama production. In the last scene, two characters realize they are in love and kiss, then the stage goes dark. I mixed up my settings, and instead of a blackout, flashing party lights started going off. 300 people turn around to stare at me. FML

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18489

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By agnosticstudy - United States

Today, all three of my meals consisted of 2 hot pockets. FML

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11881

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By PeedMaPants - United Kingdom - Meopham

Today, I started my first day at work. When I used the bathroom, I thought I was peeing into the bowl but it was actually leaking out. My pants kindly cleaned up the mess. FML

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13301

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By AvocadoPurse

Today, my mother-in-law took a phone message on the back of my marriage license. FML

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2667

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268

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By Having a pretty sister sucks. - United States - College Station

Relatable

Today, my sister had an emotional breakdown because two guys love her and she can't pick just one. Meanwhile I'm single and spend my time laying treats on my floor in a pattern and watching my rabbit run in circles. FML

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49297

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By ShouldveStayedAVirgin - United States - Houston

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of 7 years. He thrusted as fast as rabbits. I waited years for 10 seconds. FML

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26743

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By theuglyone - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for a girl he met through me. I shouldn't feel bad. Apparently, she's exactly like me, only much prettier. FML

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12046

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By zachadams - United States - Buffalo

Today, at a family party, my uncles were complimenting my mom on her pies. I cooked them. She took all the credit. FML

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44516

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By Completely Innocent - United States

Today, a coworker told my manager that I and another girl were plotting to get her fired at the end of the month. She actually believed her. Now we're suspended without pay for two weeks for conspiracy. FML

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30476

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Bodyshaming

Today, my coworker doesn't want to go to lunch with me anymore, after I lost a load of weight in lockdown and she's still "overweight." Apparently, I've "changed, and not the same person." FML

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644

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By Female - Australia - Elsternwick

Today, the police arrived at my door, telling me my child had been caught vandalizing. A boy who looked about 15 hugged me and said, "Hey, mum". I'm only 26 years old and had never seen this boy in my life. FML

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43738

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By Pissy

Today, I thought my boyfriend wanted to be romantic by pouring a bath, getting in then calling me in. As I get comfortable, he stands up and gets out. At the same time, I notice yellow water. He'd pissed in the tub for a joke. FML

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2251

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209

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By nerd - Finland

Today, I was driving in my car when out of the corner of my eye I notice a car pulling up next to me trying to get past me. I speed up, so as not to let the car pass me. It took me a while before I noticed I was racing against the shadow of my own car. FML

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9296

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By fmlcops - United States

Today, my car died on a major road, a cop pulled over to help, he offered to jump me, while doing so because my battery was so dead he told me to put the gas on the floor, I did and my car roared to life, he then pulled me over five feet from where my car died to give me a ticket for a loud exhaust. FML

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67158

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By thankssiren - United Kingdom - Sandiacre

Today, my friend started his first day of work with me. I thought it'd be fun, but he's been putting on an obnoxious fake French accent and saying "merde" whenever anything goes wrong. Half the women at the office want his dick, and I'm still as single as ever. FML

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47331

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By Aprilfools - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend of 5 years getting intimate with my best friend. When they saw me they immediately stopped and said nothing. After about 5 seconds of silence my boyfriend yells "April fools!" April Fools was 12 days ago. FML

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137812

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By what the fuck, mate - Australia

Today, I started working my crappy, minimum-wage retail job at a local electronics store. An hour into my shift, my boss sent me to scrub out a discount bin, after some drunk cunt in his teens staggered into the place yelling, and puked his guts into it. What a life. FML

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21361

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was taking a bath and out of boredom started making sheep noises. I then had a conversation with myself in farm animal noises. When I got out of the bath, I walked to my bedroom in my towel, passing the living room... where my little brother's soccer team burst out laughing. FML

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By Broke - United States

This is my life

Today, I need money to fix my car, I need my car to get to work, and I need work to get money. FML

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1894

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By lorrilanee - Australia

Today, I finally made out with my boyfriend. Let's just say his idea of making out is moving his tongue like a lizard. FML

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34112

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By DriedDeadFroggo

Today, my dog has figured out how to open screen doors on his own, by body checking them at full force, of course, like one does. This would be all fine and good, but we live by a lake with a considerable mosquito infestation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1702

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By carssuck - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket for parking in my neighbors' parking spot. I parked there because my neighbors were parked in my parking spot. FML

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34337

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By das_shizzle - 2/5/2020 05:00

Entitled bitch

Today, after telling a student that she had to take the online test on the date that I had assigned, she whined to the vice president of the college, who then told my dean that he needed to do something about it. She made me offer testing days on multiple dates. So much for integrity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1604

You deserved it

209

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By MrCanoe - Canada

Today, my mom had my girlfriend and me over. Out of the blue, she pulled out my grandmother's wedding ring and gave it to me saying I can now propose. My girlfriend started screaming and said yes. I have been seeing someone else for 3 months and was going to break up with my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

129994

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299201

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By ydahs - United States

Today, while in the hot tub with my friends, my gum fell out of my mouth and I had no idea where it went. Later that night I realized it had fallen down my swimsuit and had become adhered to my pubic hairs which then stuck to my underwear. FML

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49695

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By thanksjill - United States

Today, our school went to an elementary school to read to the kids. One of the girls in my group asked me if she could switch into another group, so I asked her what was wrong with mine. She said, "Nothing, I wanna be in her group. She's prettier." I was insulted by a kindergartner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53829

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By jester777 - United States

Today, I sneaked into my girlfriend's house for some romantic time. Before going into her room, I took a dump in the bathroom. Once I was done, I not only noticed that there was no toilet paper left, but I heard her and her 6'5, heavyweight boxer, ex-marine father, talking outside the bathroom door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12512

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By effmylife - United States

Thanks, I hate it

Today, I took my SUV in to get the oil changed, and the tires rotated. They allowed me to stay there, because they said it would only take 30 minutes. So I sit there in the waiting room, and I look through the window only to see my SUV falling off the lift, from 6 feet in the air. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45650

You deserved it

3642

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By lonerboner - United States

Today, I went on a date to the movies with this guy I kinda like. When he was driving me home, he asked me to be his girlfriend; I said I couldn’t because it was really bad timing. He kicked me out of the car, called me an asshole, and made me walk home. FML

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17989

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Top comments

By inmyroom | 1

#764094 - Saturday 9 January 2010 16:12

thats cute

By youdidwhatnow | 0

#764089 - Saturday 9 January 2010 16:11

Ew!

COMMENTS

By youdidwhatnow | 0

#764089 - Saturday 9 January 2010 16:11

Ew!

AnalProbe | 0

#765050 - Sunday 10 January 2010 1:22

I had a friend like that once. Always chewing on parts that weren't meant to be chewed on... my shoes, my underwear. He was a real rat too, just like your boyfriend.

toastnbuttrcheng | 0

#765815 - Sunday 10 January 2010 11:09

I woke up to a rat biting my ear @[email protected] I thought I had rabies.

bsteiger | 0

#881296 - Monday 22 February 2010 6:02

agree

Cjw1220 | 0

#1642166 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 2:46

I woke up with my hand up a pirate donkey's butthole once.

iTaylor | 0

#2249303 - Sunday 27 March 2011 17:08

EW EW EW!
I came home the other day to find that my dog had hunted mice outside of our house, brought them inside, killed them, and left them there as a present for me.

Kamon97 | 23

#5997520 - Friday 4 July 2014 14:53

I would've moved lol

By inmyroom | 1

#764094 - Saturday 9 January 2010 16:12

thats cute

Scubadiver172001 | 0

#818764 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:19

I'd keep it as a pet

DMStrack | 0

#975372 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 1:13

thatss nastyyy!!

Rokstarr | 0

#1108034 - Monday 19 July 2010 4:44

ratatouille!!!!!!

iampunk | 0

#1634693 - Monday 1 November 2010 5:31

Rokstar win.

CookieMonstr19 | 0

#3011656 - Monday 1 August 2011 2:11

#107 yeah he could be an amazing pet!!!!!

By arandomboy | 0

#764096 - Saturday 9 January 2010 16:12

ydi for a gross home!

nazooer | 11

#764402 - Saturday 9 January 2010 18:47

Shut up.

By icanfloat12 | 0

#764100 - Saturday 9 January 2010 16:14

lol awww

By why_me725 | 0

#764127 - Saturday 9 January 2010 16:22

Omg lmfao, that's just unsanitary. How do you sleep in those repulsive conditions? Then again I can't sleep without cleaning the entire house thoroughly. OCD sucks FML.