Today, I was awoken at 1:30am by a strange noise, and something...

By Fran - 9/1/2010 08:40 - New Zealand

Today, I was awoken at 1:30am by a strange noise, and something tugging on my hair. I opened my eyes, to find a very large rat sitting on my pillow, chewing my hair. FML

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Miscellaneous

Ghosted

Banished

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By Anonymous - 8/6/2015 14:11 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad told me he had a present for me. It was his tooth, which he had pulled out a few minutes before. FML

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By duhitskelly94 - 24/5/2009 14:48 - United States

Today, I drove 150 miles to see one of my favorite singers in concert. Before I got out of the car I checked to make sure I had the tickets. Did I have the tickets? Yes. Were they for today's concert? Nope. FML

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By Cheese4men - 14/5/2010 23:28 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend saying, "I shall be the prince, and you shall be the princess," to his hamster. Once he saw me, he quickly turned to the hamster and said, "I have to go. The dragon is here." FML

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By Sad_Happy_Gorl - 14/12/2018 09:30 - United States - University Center

Today, I found out my boyfriend is only staying with me because I’m getting him a signed poster for Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2012 00:45 - United States - Eugene

Today, I was slapped by a fourteen-year-old girl because I was apparently "stealing her boyfriend." I'm twenty-five, and her boyfriend is my nephew. FML

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By fuuuudge - 19/8/2009 05:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me out to meet his friends. It was going really well until I left to use the bathroom and two of the girls with us came in and started talking about how creepy Matt's new girlfriend is and that they're happy he's going to dump her. My boyfriend is Matt. FML

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By xrebeccalou - 25/12/2010 04:59 - United States

Today, I went to my long-distance boyfriend's party. His best friend was talking to me and trying to make conversation, he asked, "So, are you two official?" I responded with a definite yes, but was cut off mid-word by my boyfriend, who quickly said, "No, not really." Sorry, I wasn't aware, darling. FML

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By SirDirtyRedD - 25/1/2014 01:03 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I found my little brother breathing heavily and asked him what he was doing. He looked at me intensely and said "Breathing in all the oxygen so you can't have any and die." 5ML

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By bleach bleach bleach - 22/12/2013 17:22 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, it's been a little over a month since my dad started taking yoga lessons. We always joked around behind his back that he was just doing it so he could get flexible enough to suck himself off. Well, that joke was confirmed as reality when I walked in on him trying just that. FML

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By future teacher - 9/7/2015 06:21 - Paraguay - Fernando De La Mora

Today, I was observing a children's class as a part of a training program. The teacher asked me to take one kid to the nurse's office because she wasn't feeling well. As soon as we step outside, I slip and fall down, taking the little girl with me. FML

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By fuckingcool - 6/6/2016 04:56

Today, my mother once again brought up how I would have done so much better in my Track season if I just smiled while I ran. Apparently, if you just smile, your brain won't know you're in pain. I don't think it works like that, but thanks for the advice mom. FML

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By firstdategoals - 8/6/2015 03:35 - United States

Today, I went on my very first date. We went out to eat dinner and everything went great! Afterwards, I went to drop him back off at his house. I backed out of his driveway and got stuck in a ditch. His dad had to come out and tow me out. So that's how I met my boyfriend's parents. FML

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By Addianna - 15/12/2016 16:04 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, and every day this week, my office mate has decided to "liven up the place" by singing and whistling Christmas tunes and other unknown songs. She has zero musical ability. FML

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By DisappointedDaughter - 26/6/2019 16:03

Today, I’m counting the things my mother has broken or ruined since I let her move in with me a year ago. So far, the list contains a Christmas tree, my power drill, a toaster oven, inherited kitchen knives, an expensive bath towel set, multiple kitchen gadgets, a flatbed scanner and a laser printer. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2012 22:32 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I had to pick my 22-year-old son up from the hospital, after he got blind drunk, got his hand stuck in a Pringles can, and got the bright idea of staggering to the local ER to get it cut off. FML

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By gettinganF - 23/5/2016 11:57 - United States - Severn

Today, while in class, my friend would not stop annoying me by tapping me on the shoulder every so often. After the fifth time, I lost my patience, told him to F off, and slapped his hand. Only it wasn't my friend tapping my shoulder this time, it was my teacher. FML

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By ugh - 4/7/2016 17:26 - United States - Milford

Today, my dad had a midlife crisis in the grocery store over his football career in high school. So he decided pelting me with vegetables and fruits would be a good idea. FML

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By - 3/1/2009 16:48 - France

Today, I can hear my parents having sex in the next room. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, I couldn't get into my car. In an attempt to get in, I broke a window. As I climbed in, the actual owner of the car walked up. Mine was across the street. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 02:52 - United States

Today, I came home and was greeted by my dad telling me that he pawned my guitar for gas money. FML

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By Daemon - 27/10/2008 04:57 - France

Today, after a party, I brought a girl to the flat I share with my 2 best friends. While we are doing it, she asks me "You're not afraid your friends could hear us?". The only answer that spontaneously came out of my mouth: "Don't worry, they're used to it". FML

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By Kryometric - 29/3/2015 06:38 - United States - Coupeville

Today, with the experience of sitting behind someone on a roller coaster, I found out pee is affected by gravity. FML

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By notpregnant - 17/1/2010 12:20 - Italy

Today, I woke up with a pillow under my t-shirt. Turns out my boyfriend wanted to 'see if I would look hot even when pregnant'. We've been dating for three weeks now. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2016 23:00 - United States - Kennett Square

Today, I was at work, a grocery store, and my manager came up to me while I was on my lunch break. He told me that a customer said someone in the parking lot had been loitering around the cars. I went outside to investigate and saw a drunk man pooping on the front of a car. That car was mine. FML

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By chickennbenchpress - 31/5/2011 17:05 - Canada

Today, I was on my third date with a really hot girl. A guy walked by singing the Pokémon theme song. She started making fun of the guy, mocking his immaturity. I joined in order to keep the conversation going. Everything was going great but then my phone rang. It was the Pokémon theme song. FML

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By okay17 - 29/12/2015 05:00 - United States

Today, I met my new roommate. I hadn't even gotten her name yet, because the first thing she said to me instead was that she wanted to hang her confederate flag on the wall. I'm black. FML

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By nojob - 7/5/2009 19:15 - Canada

Today, I was desperately handing out resumes. I came to my local grocery store and asked for a job application, the customer service rep told me all she needed was my resume. I smiled and gave it to her only to see her read it, laugh and put it straight in the garbage as I walked out. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2012 01:06 - Canada

Today, I watched "The Vow" with my girlfriend. When the movie ended, we walked out to the theatre's lobby, and I heard her mutter, "I deserve a guy like him." FML

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By carless - 29/10/2014 15:24 - United States

Today, I watched as the teenage neighbor girl tried to parallel-park between me and my wife's cars. She was doing pretty well until she backed into mine, got scared, hit the accelerator and ran into my wife's. FML

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By Rejected - 3/10/2016 16:00 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I told my wife that she gets 100% of me and I keep nothing from her. She told me she doesn't want it and that I should get counseling. FML

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By thegoldenboy3 - 12/2/2009 12:14 - Spain

Today, I'm in Spain, and told the kids with whom I will be working that I was excited to be working with them. Only the form of excitement I used apparently refers to sexual excitement. Basically, I told the kids I was sexually aroused to be working with them. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2020 14:00

Shocking reaction

Today, I was replacing some outlets for work and I got surprise-electrified. I threw my wire strippers in the air while yelling, "Oh fuck me." The homeowner and his 2 kids were standing 3 feet away. He was not happy. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2013 01:08 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to yet again explain to the guy I live with that just because you can't see dirt, it doesn't mean it's clean. And so letting his dog lick the plates is NOT the same thing as washing up. He won't listen to me, and he uses my plates. FML

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By Tray - 25/9/2017 20:13

Con Artist Kitty

Today, I had just finished making myself an ice cream cone when my cat puked all over the floor. I set my cone on the counter while I cleaned up, and when I finished, my cat was licking it. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2015 01:50 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, I thought my dad was finally showing interest in the business I started last year when he asked about my next event. Nope, he just wanted to know if I would hire his step-granddaughter. Her first question: "So, I won't have to do any like, real work right?" Gee, thanks Dad. FML

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By BirdWatching - 31/3/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, after moving to the big city, and missing the natural world from my tiny, 10th floor apartment, I bought a window bird feeder. Within half an hour, it had fallen off, landed on, and killed a pigeon. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2011 19:55 - United States

Today, it's my soon to be 12 year old daughter's birthday. On my break at work I texted her how much I loved her and happy birthday. She replied with, "K, when will you be home? Mom won't let me open presents until you're here." Good to know I'm loved. FML

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By efmylife - 23/10/2009 04:47 - United States

Today, I threw a paper ball into a recycling bin backwards. I don't know whats more sad: the fact that that was my highlight of my life, or I had been attempting to make that shot every day for 3 years. FML

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By arrrrggggghhhh - 4/3/2009 23:38 - United States

Today, I realized that my roommate has been using my loofah to clean our toilet. I've been cleaning myself with the shit of four college boys for the last six months. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2012 01:57 - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, a customer handed me a 100 dollar bill. He then told me that it was my tip for doing a good job. He snatched it away just as I touched it, laughed, and said, "Just kidding." He then took his money and left the store. FML

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Top comments

By inmyroom | 1

#764094 - Saturday 9 January 2010 16:12

thats cute

By youdidwhatnow | 0

#764089 - Saturday 9 January 2010 16:11

Ew!

COMMENTS

By youdidwhatnow | 0

#764089 - Saturday 9 January 2010 16:11

Ew!

AnalProbe | 0

#765050 - Sunday 10 January 2010 1:22

I had a friend like that once. Always chewing on parts that weren't meant to be chewed on... my shoes, my underwear. He was a real rat too, just like your boyfriend.

toastnbuttrcheng | 0

#765815 - Sunday 10 January 2010 11:09

I woke up to a rat biting my ear @[email protected] I thought I had rabies.

bsteiger | 0

#881296 - Monday 22 February 2010 6:02

agree

Cjw1220 | 0

#1642166 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 2:46

I woke up with my hand up a pirate donkey's butthole once.

iTaylor | 0

#2249303 - Sunday 27 March 2011 17:08

EW EW EW!
I came home the other day to find that my dog had hunted mice outside of our house, brought them inside, killed them, and left them there as a present for me.

Kamon97 | 23

#5997520 - Friday 4 July 2014 14:53

I would've moved lol

By inmyroom | 1

#764094 - Saturday 9 January 2010 16:12

thats cute

Scubadiver172001 | 0

#818764 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 16:19

I'd keep it as a pet

DMStrack | 0

#975372 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 1:13

thatss nastyyy!!

Rokstarr | 0

#1108034 - Monday 19 July 2010 4:44

ratatouille!!!!!!

iampunk | 0

#1634693 - Monday 1 November 2010 5:31

Rokstar win.

CookieMonstr19 | 0

#3011656 - Monday 1 August 2011 2:11

#107 yeah he could be an amazing pet!!!!!

By arandomboy | 0

#764096 - Saturday 9 January 2010 16:12

ydi for a gross home!

nazooer | 11

#764402 - Saturday 9 January 2010 18:47

Shut up.

By icanfloat12 | 0

#764100 - Saturday 9 January 2010 16:14

lol awww

By why_me725 | 0

#764127 - Saturday 9 January 2010 16:22

Omg lmfao, that's just unsanitary. How do you sleep in those repulsive conditions? Then again I can't sleep without cleaning the entire house thoroughly. OCD sucks FML.