Intimacy: Today, I had to take my husband's laptop to University for an...

By Anonymous - 12/09/2014 13:17 - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I had to take my husband's laptop to University for an in-class exam. I opened the screen, and loud porn started to auto-play. The silence in the class was deafening as I tried to make it stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 407

You deserved it 7 428

Intimacy

Broken heart

Leave us alone

Transference

By SaMike - 01/09/2009 01:12 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to the movies. She's pretty conservative and I decided after four dates to give her her first ever kiss. As I leaned in she violently sneezed and hit me in the nose with the hand she brought up to cover her face. I broke my nose and got blood down her cleavage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 668

You deserved it 4 707

Thanks, I hate it!

By pleasebackintomycaragain - 24/04/2009 02:12 - Canada

Today, as I was sitting in my car in a mall parking lot, an old couple got into their new van and backed right into me. The man got out and in broken english decided it was no big deal. He turned to leave and tried to pat my back, but smacked my ass instead. I was hit by a car, and spanked for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 266

You deserved it 3 322

By Garry the Gluten-Free Pizza - 13/09/2016 21:17 - United States

Today, I was carjacked. As he shoved me away from my car, I got hit by another car. He and the other car both drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 560

You deserved it 1 034

By wellesleybanana - 17/04/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, I finally got some sleep after an exterminator came yesterday and took care of our roach problem. I woke up and kissed my boyfriend good morning. Frowning, he told me I had something stuck on the corner of my mouth. It was a roach leg. Where is the rest of the roach? FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 107

You deserved it 4 661

By SwimmingInFear - 29/05/2012 03:36 - United States - Havertown

Today, I found out where my surprise honeymoon is; it involves swimming with dolphins. I have a huge fear of dolphins, whales and sharks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 046

You deserved it 7 755

By HitbyIce - 07/02/2010 07:21 - United States

Today, I was at the theatre watching a movie. There was a lady and a kid behind me. I all of a sudden felt ice hit my head. I turned around and asked the kid to stop, then heard his mom say, "Hit that cow!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 934

You deserved it 2 823

By Ashton - 15/11/2018 13:30

Today, my girlfriend told me I have a doppelganger on campus who looks just like me, but way cuter. She got his phone number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 754

You deserved it 172

By TBTC - 31/08/2012 07:16 - France - Le G?vre

Today, I was out apartment hunting with my boyfriend. We visited a marvelous place that ticked all the boxes on our requirement checklist, but my boyfriend was unenthused. There was just one small detail that I hadn’t factored in: it's very badly located if ever zombies attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 309

You deserved it 5 401

By grampsisgay - 18/04/2009 00:46 - United States

Today, I was taking my boyfriend to the mall. In the parking lot I pointed out an old man in a vibrant pink sweater who was leaving by saying "He is so gay." My boyfriend got out of the car and walked towards the man calling "Hey Papaw!" It was his grandfather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 234

You deserved it 79 960

Facebook's moderation sucks

By Anonymous - 06/03/2021 07:01 - United States - Afton

Today, I got put in Facebook jail for telling a guy fat shaming a girl he was a "s*x*st b*st*rd." Immediately after, FB informed me that a person I reported for threats didn't violate community standards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 743

You deserved it 296

By KismetSiren - 23/11/2016 10:30 - United States - Hoffman Forest

Today, I told my mother I got engaged. Her reply was a great heaving sigh, followed by ,"OK… So how's work going?" She showed more excitement last week when my brother managed to properly make Kraft macaroni. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 717

You deserved it 655

No soup for you

By Anonymous - 14/09/2021 17:00 - Germany

Today, our canteen served soup. I have Tourette's. It would have been fine, hadn't the only free seat been across from another person with Tourette's. When two people with Tourette's meet, their tics can increase tenfold. It was a splashing match. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 158

You deserved it 75

Modern romance...

By Anonymous - 29/11/2017 15:31

Today, I sent a great-quality booty pic to two of my love interests. Instead of sending it individually, I accidentally made a group chat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 657

You deserved it 8 579

By henhouse - 18/07/2015 11:09 - Australia - Brunswick East

Today, I lost my virginity. The most memorable aspect of it wasn't the fact that my boyfriend finished after two thrusts, but rather the fact that he first said, "The pilot has entered the cockpit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 975

You deserved it 3 645

The truth will set you free

By Imnotfromhere - 29/08/2021 23:01

Today, I told my mom I was with my female friend last night, because I wasn't ready to tell her about my new boyfriend. I didn't realize he gave me a hickey and now my whole family thinks I'm a lesbian. They won't stop making fun of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 411

You deserved it 884

By StrawHatBill - 13/02/2015 14:54 - United States

Today, I found out that honestly answering "yes" to "Are Kate Upton's boobs bigger than mine?" is in my girlfriend's mind the equivalent of saying I don't find her attractive anymore and that I want to break up with her to date a supermodel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 218

You deserved it 8 344

By Anonymous - 19/07/2014 23:39 - United States - Erie

Today, while doing some spring cleaning, I found the remains of my goldfish, which I was sure my cat ate last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 556

You deserved it 6 462

By Anonymous - 29/01/2012 19:55 - United States

Today, I realized the closest thing I've had to an intimate relationship with a female is the one I have with my cat. Even then, she ignores me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 448

You deserved it 5 754

By Anonymous - 14/07/2012 20:10 - Nigeria - Lagos

Today, my dad was making coffee for the family. Half-way through, he excused himself to the bathroom, so for a laugh, I discreetly poured a load of salt into his drink. When he served us, I drank a mouthful and doubled over hacking. My dad barked, "I wasn't born yesterday, son." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 160

You deserved it 54 536

By Anonymous - 02/10/2011 11:51 - United States

Today, on my way to work I swerved to avoid hitting a dead animal. Too bad I ended up hitting a live one instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 869

You deserved it 8 982

By stranded - 19/05/2011 11:46 - United States

Today, my car ran out of gas. I was 20 feet away from the gas pump and the only person I could ask for help was the attendant, who'd asked me out a week ago. I'd said no, and so did he. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 793

You deserved it 15 933

By wrongplacewrongtime - 22/02/2013 06:12 - United States - San Antonio

Today, l took my new boyfriend to the place where my ex and I used to hook up, only to find out that my ex and his new girl had the same idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 859

You deserved it 58 068

First dates suck

By Anonymous - 03/09/2019 16:00

Today, I went on two dates from a dating app. The first one said halfway through that we couldn't date because it would break his contract. The second one catfished me. This is why I have multiple dates in one day. They never end well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 450

You deserved it 284

Lovely Rita

By Greg - 29/08/2020 05:01

Today, I went to lunch with a friend in her car. I told her to park in a lot that had signs warning that we'd be towed, saying, "They never tow anyone from here. In fact, if you get towed, I'll pay for it." When we returned, her car was gone. I had to pay $145 in cash to get it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 423

You deserved it 3 473

By Stigmamma - 27/11/2016 08:54

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to be responsible and put parental controls on the Playstation so our kids can't play adult games or watch adult content online. And now, neither can we. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 194

You deserved it 5 035

By fuck yuo - 01/09/2012 20:50 - Canada - Saint John's

Today, my clumsiness has reached such legendary proportions in my family, that when I visited my grandparents, I found they'd put stickers all over their glass doors, so I wouldn't have "yet another painful accident". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 468

You deserved it 5 081

By Boss Troubles - 17/03/2015 06:12 - United States - Anaheim

Today, my boss insisted I go in front of him up the stairs. Out of respect, I insisted he go first. After a few seconds of back and forth insisting, he went. The reason he wanted me to go first was because he had to fart. I inhaled the raunchy gas for over three flights of stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 775

You deserved it 12 334

This pandemic is so 2019

By Anonymous - 04/06/2021 20:59 - United States - Cabot

Today, my water broke. Due to Covid-19, we couldn't go straight to labor and delivery, so had to go to the emergency room and wait to be taken up. I sat there for an hour with a ruptured sac and contractions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 908

You deserved it 84

By ricard0 - 27/02/2014 20:58 - United States - Petaluma

Today, I fell asleep on the couch, only to wake up later with my dog's tongue over my mouth. That was my first ever kiss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 011

You deserved it 6 124

By Prinpette - 20/09/2011 21:20 - France

Today, to show that he really wanted me to shave myself, my boyfriend pretended to go down on me, but instead of following through, he stuck a wad of gum in my pubic hair and got back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 213

You deserved it 40 360

By Anonymous - 28/10/2014 21:58 - United States

Today, my school put on a musical. I was one of the leads, and in the middle of my solo, I got a huge nosebleed. A little girl in the front row screamed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 766

You deserved it 2 723

By CollegeBound - 17/08/2012 19:55 - United States - Tully

Today, at age eighteen, I finished moving out of my parents' house and into my own. The only person to even remotely give a shit was my sister, and that was only because I was taking the cat with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 206

You deserved it 2 346

By susan - 24/02/2010 01:26 - United States

Today, my husband actually was cleaning our bathrooms. I had to pee and the floor was wet in my upstairs bathroom. My wonderful husband told me to go downstairs. I did and sat on the toilet seat which felt wet. He forgot he had sprayed it with Tilex. Chemical burns on your butt are great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 369

You deserved it 3 278

By She totally did not cheat - 15/08/2018 22:00

Today, for our third anniversary, I gave my fiancée a necklace she always wanted. She gave me herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 200

You deserved it 239

By Anonymous - 01/02/2012 15:01 - United States

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 433

You deserved it 4 816

Realistic

By IBleedArbor - 16/02/2009 22:59 - United States

Today, my dad told me to take my stress out by getting a girlfriend. My mom laughed and said, "No that won't work, just go jack off in the shower again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 178

You deserved it 5 001

By Tom - 15/06/2009 10:07 - Israel

Today, I was woken up by a funky smell. My dog had eaten a dead bird and thrown up all over my bed and floor. At 4 o'clock in the morning I had to clean up regurgitated bits of bird, feathers, blood and dog food. The smell still hasn't gone away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 385

You deserved it 3 575

By Hello - 20/06/2011 05:21 - United States

Today, I received the only love letter I've ever gotten. Too bad it's from the guy who's been stalking me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 387

You deserved it 3 961

Nice neighborhood

By dinkley7 - 25/04/2021 02:00

Today, the cops showed up at my work because people were fighting in the parking lot. This is a nightly occurrence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 703

You deserved it 53

Frustration level: 2000

By Anonymous - 12/08/2020 05:01

Today, I have an incredibly high sex drive. My boyfriend doesn't. He made me throw away my, rarely used, sex toys because he's jealous of them. I wouldn't need them if we had sex more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 939

You deserved it 329

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Top comments

Llama_Face89 33

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Friday 12 September 2014 23:14

Could have been worse. Someone could have whipped out their dick.

isabelf 17

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Friday 12 September 2014 23:16

Maybe try to explain to them it wasn't your laptop?

Llama_Face89 33

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Friday 12 September 2014 23:14

Could have been worse. Someone could have whipped out their dick.

Kevin_Kestel 24

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Friday 12 September 2014 23:52

I hope you did well on that test and definitely explain.

zinoxity 23

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Saturday 13 September 2014 0:09

#13 That irrelevant reply though, haha.

Jreslier 15

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Saturday 13 September 2014 1:05

#16 That hair part though.

TheSwegMaster69 11

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Saturday 13 September 2014 1:11

SHOTS FIRED

NeatNit 32

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Saturday 13 September 2014 1:49

it's OP's fault for not even opening the laptop once before the test started. you at least want to make sure that it's working and everything!

cjwayy 22

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Saturday 13 September 2014 1:49

#25 oh god you made me laugh so hard

finiclepie 6

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Saturday 13 September 2014 5:21

I'm new to FML and I don't understand why you guys dislike sooooooo much like whats wrong with what he said

brenton490 19

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Saturday 13 September 2014 5:24

I did something like this to my friend in highschool! Except we changed his background picture. Boy did he get a surprise in class!!

Helpfulman 17

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Saturday 13 September 2014 6:32

@47 If people leave a comment sounding moronic, we automatically dislike, no matter how good the persons intentions were.

sjbartholome 14

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Saturday 13 September 2014 17:42

@55 a lot people dislike comments because they aren't smart enough to understand them. "I don't get it ... THUMBS DOWN"

Epikouros 31

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Saturday 13 September 2014 17:59

#47 We don't like people reacting to the first comment with a comment about the original post, just to get attention.

poncho55 40

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Saturday 13 September 2014 19:24

Yes, what #70 said. It's considered rude to post a seemingly original comment meant for OP on someone else's comment thread. That's considered "thread/comment jacking". The reply feature is meant for responding to a commenter or joining a conversation below the commenter that's related to the original comment. The reply feature is not for posting something new in relation to the FML. I hope that makes sense.

japodoz 7

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Sunday 14 September 2014 19:51

This will do. *unzips pants*

THEDARKLORDOFALL 17

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Monday 15 September 2014 5:18

#47 I have been here for a while and I still don't know

isabelf 17

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Friday 12 September 2014 23:16

Maybe try to explain to them it wasn't your laptop?

baseballbv 17

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Friday 12 September 2014 23:24

Lucy, you got some esplaining to do!

CoGhostRider 31

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Saturday 13 September 2014 0:08

Sometimes explaining things just make it worse. Let them think what they want.

DarksideDoll 31

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Saturday 13 September 2014 0:21

I wonder if it was planned.. Did he know you needed the laptop? Your husband could be an evil mastermind.

ThuNDeY 23

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Monday 2 March 2015 17:14

That's what they all say.

IloveToLaugh143 21

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Friday 12 September 2014 23:17

Hopefully you got the chance to explain that it wasn't your computer. I hope you do well on your exam!

Zwingend 15

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Friday 12 September 2014 23:20

It'll be okay, OP. An embarrassing porn story is a right of passage. Hopefully no one will bring it up in class and you can forget about it.

Tymaster5 22

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Saturday 13 September 2014 1:14

I hate to admit it but no one will forget about this, the situations like these people will always remember, well for that year anyways.

Oyas12 14

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Monday 15 December 2014 6:47

hehehe... 69 likes....

tbro47 23

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Friday 12 September 2014 23:21

If it's a guys laptop always check for porn or ask him if he left any websites open just in case. Most will at least close the sites when they plan on moving away from the computer though

therealtixe 8

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Saturday 13 September 2014 2:28

its kinda to late for that...

captainsmegma 12

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Saturday 13 September 2014 2:32

Not everyone spends their day watching porn. Some of us actually have sex for real!

Echoa21 18

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Saturday 13 September 2014 6:42

I have sex on a regular basis and still watch porn... As do most men..

jerryj 27

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Saturday 13 September 2014 9:04

I don't think this thread was meant to be a brag fest.

MissEris 27

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Saturday 13 September 2014 17:00

If it's a guys' laptop? Cause I leave yaoi porn on my computer all the time 0.o I should hope you check every laptop regardless

Rababco 29

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Friday 10 June 2016 23:38

Girls can watch porn too.

spatula232 25

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Friday 12 September 2014 23:23

Just be like "F**k! I didn't think he filmed last night", and then just get back to the exam

TheMarshmellow 14

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Friday 12 September 2014 23:29

Your husband doesn't know how this porn thing works. You close the tabs and clear the history, when you're done

AnOriginalName 19

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Saturday 13 September 2014 2:21

No no no. Use incognito to watch porn so that you don't have to clear your history or cookies. A clear history in a regular browser is a dead giveaway.