Intimacy: Today, I decided to let in my new German Shepherd puppy inside...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to let in my new German Shepherd puppy inside to show the guest how adorable he is. In the middle of our conversation, he came running up to us with my vibrator in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29427

You deserved it

14945

Favorite

Intimacy

Rock, hard place

There's no helping some people

OK, well, goodbye

By ritz - United States

Today, I was leaving my job at a huge mall. I couldn't find my car anywhere, so I panicked and flagged a security officer. I cried while he drove me around for miles in the endless parking lot. Then, suddenly, I remembered. My friend had dropped me off in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10504

You deserved it

55949

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I signed up for an online dating service, a couple of days after my divorce. I got my first batch of matches, and number one was a smiling picture of the woman who had just divorced my ass after 20+ years together. Her profile shows she has to have been active there for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

73683

You deserved it

4356

Favorite

By wetandpantsless - United States

Today, I got invited to a big upperclassmen party that underclassmen don't normally get invited to. I was feeling really good when I got there and saw that the girl I'm in love with was there. They stole my pants and gave me a swirly. Her reaction was to post pictures on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38456

You deserved it

6080

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my five-year-old told me she had accidentally swallowed a thumbtack. In panic mode we raced to the ER. With no insurance. Only after the tests, examinations and X-rays did she tell me was "just joking." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34352

You deserved it

3738

Favorite

By URGH - Canada

Today, my friend and I were in her moms car talking about which job was harder: actor or artist. I said, "Art is easy. You just scribble on a piece of paper and call it abstract art." Her mom squinted at me in the rearview mirror and my friend stopped talking. Then she said, "My mom is an artist." FML

I agree, your life sucks

15019

You deserved it

50613

Favorite

By asshole - 29/4/2020 20:00

Fashion Police

Today, I called a company to see why the dress I’d ordered for my best friend hadn’t been delivered. After doing some digging and ruining the surprise, it turns out it had been. Her boyfriend opened the package, deemed the dress "too slutty" and threw it out. He refuses to pay me back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2303

You deserved it

206

Favorite

By nali1122

Burned!

Today, I received a text forward from a good friend inviting me to his birthday party. Jokingly, I texted back, "No. I hate you and I don't want to go to your lame party." He replied with an apology for the mix-up, because he'd accidentally sent me the invite. FML

I agree, your life sucks

564

You deserved it

2487

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while cleaning my car, I found my mother's underwear in the backseat. She'd borrowed my car last weekend because hers had been in the shop and she'd been called in to work. I see she put in for overtime. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25633

You deserved it

2239

Favorite

By Lucachoo - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to go on a date with me tomorrow. His reaction was to pick up a banana and pretend that he was in the middle of a phone call. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25267

You deserved it

2621

Favorite

By zachadams - United States - Buffalo

Today, at a family party, my uncles were complimenting my mom on her pies. I cooked them. She took all the credit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44517

You deserved it

3488

Favorite

By LonelyOtter

Today, one of my female friends decided she wants a relationship with my ex. I told her I was fine with it because we've been apart for years and have been friends ever since. She then made him chose between being friends with me and having her as a girlfriend. I just lost two of my few friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3307

You deserved it

237

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/9/2020 17:11

Fire hazard

Today, my boyfriend thought it was OK for both of us to leave the house with the oven on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

885

You deserved it

219

Favorite

By erinbarto

Soon.

Today, I listened to my mom having a conversation with my dog, asking him if he ate my hamster. My hamster isn't even dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1289

You deserved it

114

Favorite

By hAHAha Halo - United States

Today, my girlfriend's father offered her $10 to stop talking to me. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45747

You deserved it

5122

Favorite

By Quortney - United States

Today, I was working at the local grocery store and a customer of mine, who had only bought two granola bars and was holding up my line, tried to convert me to Christianity. Out of all the people to target, she chose the shy atheist who just wanted to do her minimum wage job in peace. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27516

You deserved it

3049

Favorite

By scaredshitless - United States

Today, I was taking a serious shit when the light bulb burned out. I am terrified of the dark and began wailing and crying. My mom had to pick the lock and get me out. I'm a 17 year old guy and captain of the Varsity football team. My little brother recorded it and plans on showing everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27259

You deserved it

65159

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked out my best friend via facebook graffiti. He then accidentally wrote his rejection as his status instead of on my wall. More people liked his status than the number of friends I have on facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28597

You deserved it

8673

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to be very naughty and placed her underwear in my backpack. I wish she had told me, because it slipped into a folder that contained my project data for my professor. So, after class, I got sent to the Dean of Students' office to talk about sexual harassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39181

You deserved it

3287

Favorite

By Colleen - United States

Today, I bought a party bowl of Bud Light for a get-together. Around midnight, I realized that I didn't have the tap to get the beer out. Fifty-five cans of untappable beer and no more beer money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6723

You deserved it

22438

Favorite

By Sexting Parents - United States - Short Hills

Nice view

Today, my dad asked me to send my mom a text since he was driving and I was in the passenger seat. I pulled up my mom's contact on his phone, and I found that my mom had recently sent my dad a picture of her jugs, along with the message, "We miss you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32751

You deserved it

2733

Favorite

By fmylife - Malaysia

Today, I downloaded porn and saved it on my desktop. After watching it, I couldn't delete it, and now it is stuck on the desktop. It is a shared computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9847

You deserved it

68744

Favorite

By peneloperigby - United Kingdom

Today, my mother called to say that my 11-year-old nephew found my secret stash of nipple tassels, furry hand cuffs, and a bottle of lube. He doesn't want to visit me anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12972

You deserved it

31950

Favorite

By ohwell - Sweden - Tullinge

Today, I met my best friend's girlfriend for the first time. After a few hours of talking and eating, she followed me to the bathroom and said, dead serious, ''If you ever touch him or get too close to him, I will cut you''. I've known him for twelve years, they have been dating for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42797

You deserved it

3274

Favorite

By well scrooge you too - United States - North Myrtle Beach

Today, a customer gave me the dirtiest look ever and muttered "goody two-shoes prick" after I asked if he'd like to donate a few cents to charity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20552

You deserved it

1807

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/12/2020 08:02

Take care

Today, after close to 10 years of marriage, my wife’s health has improved enough she is craving sex again. Just not with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1274

You deserved it

Favorite

By anon - United Kingdom - Romsey

Today, I discovered that my expensive new shampoo smells exactly like my ex-girlfriend. So now, whenever I shower, I'm showered with depression. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29246

You deserved it

5093

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for my family. I got a huge paper cut on the webbing of my fingers, the pain of which caused me to scream out loud. My whole family heard and came rushing to my room. My grandma took one look, and scoffed, "Oh suck it the fuck up, princess." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14802

You deserved it

29985

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - El Dorado Hills

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the local park for some romantic time together. By the time we left, I'd been called a pedo and a cradle robber, and been given several dirty looks. I'm 31. My boyfriend is 30 and just very baby-faced. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33843

You deserved it

2897

Favorite

By sexyconvo - United States

Today, I tried to convince my boyfriend to come over, telling him it would be "worth his time." He asked, "How?" I said, "Dazzling conversation of course. Just kidding, you'll probably get laid." He replied, "Oh. Well I would if it was for the conversation." FML

I agree, your life sucks

23376

You deserved it

7340

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I was woken up by an overly sappy good morning text from my boyfriend, complete with kissy-face images. Before I could text him back, he sent a follow-up. "Oops. Wrong person." Wait, what? FML

I agree, your life sucks

3897

You deserved it

305

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, the first snow of the season fell. My husband celebrated by pelting me with snowballs, while I was on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35079

You deserved it

6433

Favorite

By Noname - United States

Today, a guy in the library came up to me and said, "You look very unproductive. It makes me depressed just watching you". FML

I agree, your life sucks

30864

You deserved it

4752

Favorite

By kisyfrot - France

Today, I got fed up with my neighbor who has been coughing, night and day, for six months. I rang at her door to tell her about several remedies I know of to help, so I could sleep. I thus found out she has lung cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15245

You deserved it

27021

Favorite

By Ipickthegoodones - United States

Today, I had three sheriffs come to my door, turns out my boyfriend of three years went on a robbing spree last week and brought the stolen merchandise back to my apartment. The best part: He used my car while committing the robberies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53917

You deserved it

6599

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom came home and told me she was going back to college. She's going to the community college that a lot of the graduates from my school go to. She has biology with my ex. They're lab partners and have to do take home labs together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38612

You deserved it

2677

Favorite

By red button - United States

Today, my entire family sat down in the living room to watch the video I recorded of my sister's graduation from college. I never pressed record. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13620

You deserved it

43638

Favorite

By goodjobme - United States - Torrance

Today, I was at church with some friends and our counselor, who had recently came back from Taiwan. I was born there and love to visit, so I immediately exclaimed, "How lucky!" A few seconds of awkward silence later, he said, "I was visiting my dad who was just diagnosed with cancer." FML

I agree, your life sucks

19770

You deserved it

2113

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got a new laptop for Christmas. The picture on the box showed a woman balancing it on one finger to show how light it was, so I tried it myself. I dropped my laptop, breaking the hard drive and putting a massive crack down the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8012

You deserved it

100323

Favorite

By Nikse - United States

Today, I was at the store with my mother in the facial care section. I found this device that scrubs your face with those anti-bacterial pads. The aisle was crowded and noisy, so I shouted to my mother, "Can I have this vibrator thing?" It went silent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19302

You deserved it

51903

Favorite

By OfficeFatty - United States

Today, my skinny co-worker complained that sitting just underneath the AC vent was making her too cold. My boss had us switch places, because "your mass keeps you warm anyway". FML

I agree, your life sucks

35653

You deserved it

4954

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1611304 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:27

A golden vibrator retriever

By iamchuck | 0

#1611274 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:16

Man's best friend found woman's best friend.

COMMENTS

By SkullCanddi | 0

#1611271 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:13

awww, how cuute!

CherryBomb511 | 3

#1611275 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:16

At least your puppy knows how to keep things interesting.

suave0510 | 0

#1611326 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:37

babyyappld | 7

#1615737 - Thursday 28 October 2010 12:20

but where would that vibrater be if a puppy could get to it?

By iamchuck | 0

#1611274 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:16

Man's best friend found woman's best friend.

Dodlaf_fml | 4

#1611287 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:21

win

charrity | 0

#1611295 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:25

epic win!

marmlr339 | 14

#1611345 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:46

lol!!!

HamsteronA | 0

#1611576 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 17:45

WIN

ROFLBERRYPIE | 0

#1611691 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 18:08

Good thing it wasn't a female dog. OP wouldn't have gotten it back!

iamchuck | 0

#1611726 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 18:17

You look like an epic win #9

BethiiGeex | 0

#1612018 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 19:35

lmfao:x ^^

lekiat | 0

#1612494 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 21:20

lol! good one

T3CHN0_N3GR0 | 0

#1613859 - Thursday 28 October 2010 3:13

Is it a girl dog? LOL

pilotx | 0

#3597853 - Thursday 17 November 2011 22:18

Leave your mom out of this

By korn247 | 5

#1611283 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:19

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

roketkween | 0

#1615141 - Thursday 28 October 2010 8:40

korrrrrnnnn <3

By JonnyNoThumbs | 0

#1611284 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:20

Aww. Puppies are so cute. Mine would take used pads and tampons out of the trash and chew them up in the living room. Adorable!

iamchuck | 0

#1611292 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:23

That sounds just lovely.

CherryBomb511 | 3

#1611322 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:35

That's...disgusting.

KiaMaster | 0

#1611427 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 17:04

that's gross.

nathan5 | 0

#1611835 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 18:40

no, not adorable. ops dog is adorable, yours isnt...sorry!

kyarush | 10

#1614281 - Thursday 28 October 2010 4:53

doggy has good taste

_vicky_luv | 0

#1614580 - Thursday 28 October 2010 6:03

can dogs get aids from that?

starile | 19

#1616306 - Thursday 28 October 2010 15:42

That's disgusting, not adorable.

jpest17 | 5

#1619352 - Friday 29 October 2010 5:29

dogs don't get aids stupid!

lildevil963 | 0

#1624388 - Saturday 30 October 2010 4:32

thts not sanitary

Southern_Grown | 0

#1631873 - Sunday 31 October 2010 12:26

did you really just ask if dogs could get aids from tampons??? WOW!!

alchemist27 | 13

#5366945 - Thursday 14 February 2013 0:28

Is your dogs name Giovanna

teentee401 | 36

#6029124 - Wednesday 6 August 2014 6:12

My dogs do the same thing...

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1611304 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:27

A golden vibrator retriever

Kevlar29 | 0

#1611409 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 17:01

OMFG most epic win!

xCatsPwnU | 0

#1611433 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 17:05

I see what you did there.

ArianS2 | 0

#1612793 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 22:37

Lol! Nice one. +1

mitchem | 3

#1613689 - Thursday 28 October 2010 2:35

would be cool if it wasn't for the fact that it was a German shepherd

T3CHN0_N3GR0 | 0

#1613868 - Thursday 28 October 2010 3:15

Good point #91

partyman007 | 0

#1614708 - Thursday 28 October 2010 6:42

yes!!!

By aliaskis | 3

#1611306 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:27

maybe you should hide your vibe in a drawer and not under your bed. unless you want to use the awkward moment as a segway into evolving your relationship with your guest.

littlewimpe | 3

#2863129 - Sunday 10 July 2011 22:11

You have very nice boobs.

By Air_Force001 | 0

#1611323 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:35

WTF it's called a drawer and should be used for such a item haha but dogs are awesome

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#1611868 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 18:47

Eh, I've known several dogs who could open drawers. Hell, my ferrets will even open my nightstand drawer if I put some of their favorite things to steal in there.