Today, I decided to let in my new German Shepherd puppy inside...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to let in my new German Shepherd puppy inside to show the guest how adorable he is. In the middle of our conversation, he came running up to us with my vibrator in his mouth. FML

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Intimacy

Bad news

Great guy

The road to hell…

By Anonyme - France

Today, I'm trying to come up with a plausible explanation for my co-workers as to why I have stitches in my face. I'm not sure I want to admit that I was clawed by a pigeon as I opened my garage door. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boss chewed me out for correcting several spelling and grammar mistakes in one of his reports. The words "Think you're so damn smart, don't ya?" were uttered. I'm his secretary, and proofreading his shit is part of my job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm going cold turkey with my drinking and smoking habits. I'm so irritable, I seriously considered running down an old lady who was taking her damn sweet time crossing the road, then shooting the guy in the car behind me for honking at me like I was holding everyone up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was bitched out by my 17 year old son's teacher. It seems the idiot teacher made the kids advocate for his own political beliefs in a presentation, and my son ended his speech saying, "And it remains my opinion that our instructor is cramping my motherfucking style." Instant suspension. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, my new prescription medicine for my chronic acne did in fact work. It worked by inflaming the skin around my zits so that they blended in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally found a reason to quit smoking. I threw my cigarette butt out the window and it blew back in, went down the back of my pants, and burnt my butt in 3 different places. FML

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By Surprisebuttsecks? - Canada

Today, my girlfriend shoved a Q-tip up my ass while I was brushing my teeth. FML

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By sicksicksick - United States - Lansdale

Today, I have pink eye in both eyes, the stomach virus, and a cold. I'm also sitting at work because my boss "doesn't believe in sick days." FML

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By SquirrellyGirl

Today, my brother asked if I could babysit his kids tomorrow. I declined, as tomorrow is my birthday and I have plans. This isn't the first time he's forgotten my birthday, and I doubt it'll be the last. FML

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By omgitserika - United States

Today, I thought my online boyfriend was calling me, so the first line I said was "Hey, Baby." His wife answered with, "This is Jenny. Who's this?" After speaking for thirty minutes, I found out he's married, fifty-eight, and has two kids. I'm seventeen. FML

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By liquidknight - United States

Today, while trying to change my visiting cousin's opinion about our state being "redneck and white trash", we stumbled upon a proposal/celebration in a Walmart. So much for changing her opinion. FML

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By fukinlonely - United Kingdom

Today, both my female flatmate and my gay male flatmate have got their boyfriends round. They've both stuck 'Do Not Disturb' signs on their bedroom doors and are both playing music which doesn't quite muffle the sounds of what they're up to. I haven't had a date in over six months. FML

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By sealy - United States

Today, I was told I sound like a seal barking when I orgasm. FML

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By Bestfrienduncool - France

Today, I found out that the reason my best friend is not allowed over anymore is because he hits on my mom and writes her love letters. FML

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By pianokiller - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me to his grandfather's funeral. At the reception, his family members insist on hearing me play piano. After getting positive reactions, I dive into one of my favorites, Rustle of Spring. In 2 seconds everyone bursts into tears. That was Papa's favorite too. FML

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By egged - Singapore

Today, I came home from work and found my house egged, and bricks thrown through my windows. I called the police, and submitted a report. Later that night, I heard the doorbell ring. Nobody was at the house, but there was a note saying "Sorry, wrong house". FML

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By Gordon - United States

Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips, wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my 'junk' to catch herself. FML

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By Anon - United States - Omaha

Today, I proudly told my family I lost 15 pounds. My dad looked me up and down and said, "Well, you've got a looooong way to go." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom looked through my browser history and saw Chatroulette. She thought I'd gotten into online gambling, and wouldn't believe me when I explained what it really was. After I insisted on showing her, the first chat window to open contained cocks as far as the eye could see. FML

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By NoHamForMeThanks - United States - Oak Ridge

Today, I was told that I need to learn to "let things go" by a woman who held a four-month grudge over a ham sandwich. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because her mom said she would buy her a pug if she did. I got dumped for a dog, and an ugly one for that matter. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 05:00

High on emotion

Today, a woman I’ve liked for years falsely claimed to be strung out on crystal meth rather than just turning me down. FML

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By Sleepy - United States

Today, I fell asleep while lifeguarding, thinking I could get away with it due to my sunglasses. When I woke up, I saw my boss waving at me. Apparently she'd been trying to get my attention for five minutes. FML

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By fuckedup - Germany

Today, I found out that my mom called my boss informing him that I am a little behind on some college projects. She felt he should know that she fears I might not be able to graduate on the planned date. My boss had already offered me a permanent job. I may not get that job now. FML

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By helpme - United States - Irvine

Today, as part of a charity project called Operation Valentine, I worked with 150 other volunteers to make care packages and Valentine's Day cards to send to the troops in Afghanistan, thanking them for their courage. My boyfriend called the cards "cheating" and now refuses to see me. FML

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By totalloss - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I had to sit between my parents in the car as they argued with one another for a whole hour over whether or not a thumb is a finger. FML

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By stalker - United States

Today, I had a restraining order put on me. I have apparently been following a woman's daughter home after she leaves track practice and parking my car outside their home. I'm a math teacher at the school and leave everyday at 4:30. I have lived across the street for the past six years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rockland

Today, I accidentally ripped out my boyfriend's insulin pump while trying to give him a lapdance. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2020 02:02

Who you gonna call?

Today, I couldn't enter my workplace because I haven't gotten the new keycard yet. I ended up having to wait outside for close to an hour. FML

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By leve80paladin - United States

Today, my girlfriend and my parents staged an intervention, and have asked me to go to rehab. What they want me to go to rehab for? World of Warcraft. FML

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By polish_chik - Canada

Today, I saw a poor helpless cat in the middle of the road while driving. I pulled over and scooped it in my arms to bring it to safety. Not only did I get mauled and scratched by the cat, my car also wasn't put in park and rolled away hitting a parked car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my parents made me quit a school team that I absolutely loved, because women "aren't supposed to play sports." and were worried that if I stayed on the team, I'd develop a manly physique. FML

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By pimpdaddyX - Malaysia - Shah Alam

Today, trying to be smooth, I slipped the girl I like a piece of paper with my phone number written on it. A while later, she slipped it back to me and left the room. FML

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By onefishtwofishes - United States - Washington

Today, the communications expert I'm forced to work with added the line "as they can catch bigger fishes" to a film script. She does not believe me when I tell her that the plural of fish is "fish." This idiot not only has the final word, she makes twice what I do. FML

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By HappilyNeverAfter - Canada - Port Perry

Today, a guy asked me out, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I soon realized that it wasn't butterflies, but an unexpected bowel movement. I stood there awkwardly, looking him in the eyes, then farted hard. FML

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By dvddtraveller - United States - Oakland

Today, I went to the local clinic and I met a really cute guy. We hit it off quite well, and he asked me out. It's like The Fault in Our Stars, but instead of cancer, we have STDs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, both my car and my father's car were broken into. They stole my radio, purse, wallet, camera, and multiple items of clothing. What did they take from my dad's car? Some screwdrivers to rip my radio out of my dash. FML

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By InnocenceBlue

Today, the boss's arrogant son thought it necessary to demonstrate how to use a hole punch while explaining slowly how he wanted things punched. I have worked admin for years, and I'm the contracts admin, not his PA. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2020 23:03

Dead to me

Today, and for the last week, I've been dreaming only to wake up when my dream-self commits suicide. I'm generally a happy person, so I've no idea why my subconscious is killing me so often. This time, I stuck my face in an industrial-size blender. I can still feel my jaw rattling from the impact. FML

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By Cherie - United States

Today, I was in an unfamiliar building on campus and I needed to use the bathroom before class started. I walked in and saw a man at the sink. I said "Oh my god I'm sorry! I thought this was the women's washroom." It was. The very butch looking woman gave me a look of death. FML

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Top comments

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1611304 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:27

A golden vibrator retriever

By iamchuck | 0

#1611274 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:16

Man's best friend found woman's best friend.

COMMENTS

By SkullCanddi | 0

#1611271 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:13

awww, how cuute!

CherryBomb511 | 3

#1611275 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:16

At least your puppy knows how to keep things interesting.

suave0510 | 0

#1611326 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:37

babyyappld | 7

#1615737 - Thursday 28 October 2010 12:20

but where would that vibrater be if a puppy could get to it?

By iamchuck | 0

#1611274 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:16

Man's best friend found woman's best friend.

Dodlaf_fml | 4

#1611287 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:21

win

charrity | 0

#1611295 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:25

epic win!

marmlr339 | 14

#1611345 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:46

lol!!!

HamsteronA | 0

#1611576 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 17:45

WIN

ROFLBERRYPIE | 0

#1611691 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 18:08

Good thing it wasn't a female dog. OP wouldn't have gotten it back!

iamchuck | 0

#1611726 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 18:17

You look like an epic win #9

BethiiGeex | 0

#1612018 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 19:35

lmfao:x ^^

lekiat | 0

#1612494 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 21:20

lol! good one

T3CHN0_N3GR0 | 0

#1613859 - Thursday 28 October 2010 3:13

Is it a girl dog? LOL

pilotx | 0

#3597853 - Thursday 17 November 2011 22:18

Leave your mom out of this

By korn247 | 5

#1611283 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:19

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

roketkween | 0

#1615141 - Thursday 28 October 2010 8:40

korrrrrnnnn <3

By JonnyNoThumbs | 0

#1611284 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:20

Aww. Puppies are so cute. Mine would take used pads and tampons out of the trash and chew them up in the living room. Adorable!

iamchuck | 0

#1611292 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:23

That sounds just lovely.

CherryBomb511 | 3

#1611322 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:35

That's...disgusting.

KiaMaster | 0

#1611427 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 17:04

that's gross.

nathan5 | 0

#1611835 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 18:40

no, not adorable. ops dog is adorable, yours isnt...sorry!

kyarush | 10

#1614281 - Thursday 28 October 2010 4:53

doggy has good taste

_vicky_luv | 0

#1614580 - Thursday 28 October 2010 6:03

can dogs get aids from that?

starile | 19

#1616306 - Thursday 28 October 2010 15:42

That's disgusting, not adorable.

jpest17 | 5

#1619352 - Friday 29 October 2010 5:29

dogs don't get aids stupid!

lildevil963 | 0

#1624388 - Saturday 30 October 2010 4:32

thts not sanitary

Southern_Grown | 0

#1631873 - Sunday 31 October 2010 12:26

did you really just ask if dogs could get aids from tampons??? WOW!!

alchemist27 | 13

#5366945 - Thursday 14 February 2013 0:28

Is your dogs name Giovanna

teentee401 | 36

#6029124 - Wednesday 6 August 2014 6:12

My dogs do the same thing...

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1611304 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:27

A golden vibrator retriever

Kevlar29 | 0

#1611409 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 17:01

OMFG most epic win!

xCatsPwnU | 0

#1611433 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 17:05

I see what you did there.

ArianS2 | 0

#1612793 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 22:37

Lol! Nice one. +1

mitchem | 3

#1613689 - Thursday 28 October 2010 2:35

would be cool if it wasn't for the fact that it was a German shepherd

T3CHN0_N3GR0 | 0

#1613868 - Thursday 28 October 2010 3:15

Good point #91

partyman007 | 0

#1614708 - Thursday 28 October 2010 6:42

yes!!!

By aliaskis | 3

#1611306 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:27

maybe you should hide your vibe in a drawer and not under your bed. unless you want to use the awkward moment as a segway into evolving your relationship with your guest.

littlewimpe | 3

#2863129 - Sunday 10 July 2011 22:11

You have very nice boobs.

By Air_Force001 | 0

#1611323 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:35

WTF it's called a drawer and should be used for such a item haha but dogs are awesome

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#1611868 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 18:47

Eh, I've known several dogs who could open drawers. Hell, my ferrets will even open my nightstand drawer if I put some of their favorite things to steal in there.