Today, I decided to let in my new German Shepherd puppy inside...

By Anonymous - 27/10/2010 07:37 - United States

Today, I decided to let in my new German Shepherd puppy inside to show the guest how adorable he is. In the middle of our conversation, he came running up to us with my vibrator in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29395

You deserved it

14920

Favorite

Intimacy

Great boyfriend

Tidy your room

Hello everyone!

By lonely-mind - 17/9/2018 06:30 - United States - Jackson

Today, my thighs started chafing 3 hours before the end of my work shift. Now they burn no matter what I do. I still have an 8-hour shift tomorrow and I can barely walk. To make it worse, my mom's only words of advice involved me losing weight so it "doesn't happen again". FML

I agree, your life sucks

2538

You deserved it

803

Favorite

By :( - 24/6/2012 21:45 - United States - Montevideo

Today, my parents felt the need to lecture me about how people who "smoke the reefer" are a "waste of life" and will never amount to anything. I was baked during the entire conversation, and actually ended up breaking down in tears, because I realized they were totally right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10971

You deserved it

50657

Favorite

By Elizabeth Ann - 19/8/2018 03:30

Today, I came home to find my boyfriend playing with himself. He got mad and said I "killed the mood". How? By coming home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3134

You deserved it

321

Favorite

By fxck - 4/2/2015 19:28

Today, at work, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head on my cash register. A second later, I heard roaring laughter from the security room, followed by someone saying to play it back. I'd almost convinced myself it wasn't about me, when one of the guys came out and gave me a thumb up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37272

You deserved it

3532

Favorite

By itsover - 11/12/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via facebook. I don't even have a facebook. My friends had to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39355

You deserved it

3359

Favorite

By JJLight - 27/5/2013 03:14 - United States - Camarillo

Today, I invited my boyfriend to come to an event to meet some of my friends for the first time. I had been raving about him for weeks, and everyone was curious to meet this "amazing guy" I'd been dating. He showed up in a Darth Vader costume because he thought it would be funny to embarrass me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52573

You deserved it

11369

Favorite

By Ain't going nowhere - 24/6/2015 18:49 - United States - Chicago

Today, I politely asked a coworker to stop sticking his chewed-up gum to my desk. It's now 10:57 pm and my tires are slashed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27268

You deserved it

1831

Favorite

By Not a day over 35 - 18/6/2013 13:06 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I turned 29. To celebrate, my office got me a cake that read "Happy 38th!!" The "theme" of the "party" was 'Not a day over 35!' I waited all day for someone to tell me it was all a prank, but nobody did. I spent my lunch hour crying in my car. Happy birthday to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59498

You deserved it

5715

Favorite

By Nish - 3/7/2013 08:11 - United States - Kent

Today while at my job as a store clerk, I walked by a family. I smiled at their little boy, who responded by flipping me off. As I was walking away, I looked back in time to catch his dad give him a high-five. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49591

You deserved it

4150

Favorite

By oldlady - 8/11/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, after a trip to my doctor I found out that my recent mood swings and hot flashes are the result of a hormonal imbalance that mimics the effects of menopause. I'm a 17 year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41015

You deserved it

2442

Favorite

By zarko - 14/2/2017 14:00 - Croatia - Zagreb

The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one!

Today, I created myself a Dropbox folder named "Traffic fines". FML

I agree, your life sucks

3259

You deserved it

5497

Favorite

By good_job_john - 20/7/2009 15:43 - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend on my boat at the lake. As we were looking at the mountains all around us, she playfully pushed me off the side into the water. As I got back on the boat, I realized that not only was my cellphone dead, but the ring had fallen into the deep water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

80247

You deserved it

4267

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/6/2012 22:04 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was at the beach with my parents, and I went for a swim in the sea. I got out and my parents started laughing their asses off. It wasn't until my dad pulled a condom out of my hair that I realized what they were laughing at. My dad even took a picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29273

You deserved it

2275

Favorite

By CiaoBella - 20/6/2016 03:16

Today, my son said his first word, which was, "Fuck". He got it from my great aunt, who my wife was skeptical of our son meeting because she "says too many bad words". Sorry honey. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13386

You deserved it

2694

Favorite

By Meghan Elise - 6/7/2019 02:41

Today, my boyfriend and I dyed our hair. His hair came out good. My hair, on the other hand, came out splotchy, and instead of dark blue, it came out green. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1222

You deserved it

541

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/12/2010 12:49 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my mom and dad. It wasn't my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34063

You deserved it

2869

Favorite

By FuckThis - 31/8/2015 13:16 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I thought the girl I was seeing was going to tell me that she loved me. Instead, she told me how she sucked some other guy's dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31160

You deserved it

2503

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/7/2019 20:00

Today, my best friend told me he loved me, so I reminded him that I'm a lesbian. "That's just a phase, just wait till you suck my dick," was his reply. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2851

You deserved it

288

Favorite

By shelby - 30/3/2011 04:54 - United States

Today, I realized I don't know which is sadder: the fact I have detailed conversations with myself in my car, or that I bought a Bluetooth earpiece so that I can do it in public without people thinking I'm a complete lunatic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38397

You deserved it

27283

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/5/2014 19:33 - United States - Fresno

Today, my 15-year-old son told me that he and his new girlfriend are deeply in love and are meant for each other. The "girlfriend" in question? My fiancé's 12-year old daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52381

You deserved it

5744

Favorite

By mommy - 23/6/2019 02:27

Today, I’ve been violently ill with diarrhea, and have been for past three days. I finally discovered why. It's because I ate a piece of candy off the recently-cleaned floor last week. My immune system is so weak, it can’t respect the 5-second rule. FML

I agree, your life sucks

808

You deserved it

1176

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/3/2016 06:24 - United States - Tucson

Today, my mother straight up admitted that she would murder me if God told her to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20901

You deserved it

1794

Favorite

By dinosaur - 10/1/2011 10:35 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be fun to sit on my lap. In the process he landed on me so hard that he made me hit my head. Then when he turned around his elbow smacked into my nose causing it to break. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31095

You deserved it

3186

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/10/2011 06:10 - United States

Today, I was relaxing at home while my boyfriend played with his hamster. After a while of silence, my boyfriend came over and put his fingers next to my face. Trying to be cute, I stuck his fingers in my mouth and sucked on them. Turns out he was trying to show me how bad hamster pee smells. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19553

You deserved it

53464

Favorite

By suckstobefat - 22/1/2012 06:10 - Canada

Today, I found out that the daily "vitamins" that my dad has been giving me for the last three months were actually weight loss pills. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33612

You deserved it

7164

Favorite

By Zoe Avila - 9/8/2011 22:55 - United States

Today, a downstairs neighbor of mine claimed money from me because apparently my dog took a dump on the fire escape, and the poop fell through the grates and on her groceries. I don't have a dog, but I paid the money anyway, because I was too ashamed to tell her it was my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42686

You deserved it

8978

Favorite

By - 10/1/2020 18:00

Volcanic eruption

Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2947

You deserved it

848

Favorite

By hudd357mag - 6/2/2012 05:35 - United States

Today, the girl I have a crush on texted me to go out tonight. When I got to her house, she peered at me quizzically and asked, "What do you want? Did I text you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

34051

You deserved it

2429

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 02:06 - United States

Today, I spoke with my boyfriend's crazy ex-girlfriend. Actually, she isn't all that crazy. He really did cheat on her with half a dozen other girls. The same girls he's apparently cheating on me with. How do I know for sure? Thank you crazy ex for his email passwords. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48698

You deserved it

5165

Favorite

By art_major - 25/5/2011 14:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came to my graduate art show wearing a t-shirt saying "My other daughter is a science major". He'd had it specially made. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43729

You deserved it

7578

Favorite

By kprince - 8/5/2013 14:00 - United States - Northridge

Today, I was singing horribly in the shower. Without me knowing, my sister recorded my singing and set it as my ringtone. My phone rang in class and everyone heard it. My new nickname is American Idol. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52344

You deserved it

11189

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/5/2009 17:46 - Canada

Today, a parent came into my class and told one of my 6 year old students that their grandma died. Then the parent left. The kid started crying from the news, which then got all the other students crying. I spent the rest of the day comforting a class of kids crying over someone else's grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56902

You deserved it

3824

Favorite

By Jamie - 20/9/2013 00:47 - United States - Newport News

Today, I was at work at Krispy Kreme for national "talk like a pirate" day. If you dressed like a pirate you'd get a free dozen donuts. A man came in with just an eyepatch on. Thinking he was trying to get a free dozen, I told him he needed to try harder. Turned out the eyepatch was real. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49172

You deserved it

13849

Favorite

By lilshoobydoo14 - 15/10/2010 04:18 - United States

Today, I met a guy that I liked. We really hit it off, that is until his parents walked by and he started begging them, down on his hands and knees, to buy him a new video game. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32289

You deserved it

4307

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/3/2015 10:16

Today, after days of looking for it, I finally found the ring my boyfriend gave to me. It was on my roommate's finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35526

You deserved it

2713

Favorite

By machismo - 13/1/2012 18:16 - United States

Today, in preparation for proposing to my girlfriend, I borrowed one of her rings, so I could discreetly get her ring size. Not only have I now lost the ring, which turns out to be a keepsake of her dead grandmother, I still don't know her ring size. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17291

You deserved it

44790

Favorite

By just a joke - 8/6/2020 20:08

He has issues

Today, I playfully drew thick eyebrows on my one-year-old son to make him look like a cartoon villain. He laughed cutely in the mirror as I took some adorable pictures. When my husband saw, he threw such a horrendous fit about boys and makeup, I was reduced to tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2358

You deserved it

301

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/10/2019 04:00 - United States - Boston

#1 Dad!

Today, I told my fiancé he needed to spend at least one night a week at home with his daughter or we will pack up and leave. He responded by getting a suitcase. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1751

You deserved it

300

Favorite

By Anonymous - 5/11/2014 22:52 - United States - Chestnut Hill

Today, I learned that the blisters that popped up this morning on my hands and feet are a result of a virus that takes two weeks to fully heal. After I told my roommates to be careful, one of them decided that NOW was a good time to tell us she had it last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33972

You deserved it

2231

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/2/2012 00:58 - United States

Today, it's been one week since my demented grandma babysat my five-year-old daughter while my husband took me to a fancy restaurant. Now she's taken to screaming and calling me a "damn commie" whenever I discipline or say no to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25522

You deserved it

5812

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1611304 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:27

A golden vibrator retriever

By iamchuck | 0

#1611274 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:16

Man's best friend found woman's best friend.

COMMENTS

By SkullCanddi | 0

#1611271 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:13

awww, how cuute!

CherryBomb511 | 3

#1611275 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:16

At least your puppy knows how to keep things interesting.

suave0510 | 0

#1611326 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:37

babyyappld | 7

#1615737 - Thursday 28 October 2010 12:20

but where would that vibrater be if a puppy could get to it?

By iamchuck | 0

#1611274 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:16

Man's best friend found woman's best friend.

Dodlaf_fml | 4

#1611287 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:21

win

charrity | 0

#1611295 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:25

epic win!

marmlr339 | 14

#1611345 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:46

lol!!!

HamsteronA | 0

#1611576 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 17:45

WIN

ROFLBERRYPIE | 0

#1611691 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 18:08

Good thing it wasn't a female dog. OP wouldn't have gotten it back!

iamchuck | 0

#1611726 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 18:17

You look like an epic win #9

BethiiGeex | 0

#1612018 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 19:35

lmfao:x ^^

lekiat | 0

#1612494 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 21:20

lol! good one

T3CHN0_N3GR0 | 0

#1613859 - Thursday 28 October 2010 3:13

Is it a girl dog? LOL

pilotx | 0

#3597853 - Thursday 17 November 2011 22:18

Leave your mom out of this

By korn247 | 5

#1611283 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:19

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

roketkween | 0

#1615141 - Thursday 28 October 2010 8:40

korrrrrnnnn <3

By JonnyNoThumbs | 0

#1611284 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:20

Aww. Puppies are so cute. Mine would take used pads and tampons out of the trash and chew them up in the living room. Adorable!

iamchuck | 0

#1611292 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:23

That sounds just lovely.

CherryBomb511 | 3

#1611322 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:35

That's...disgusting.

KiaMaster | 0

#1611427 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 17:04

that's gross.

nathan5 | 0

#1611835 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 18:40

no, not adorable. ops dog is adorable, yours isnt...sorry!

kyarush | 10

#1614281 - Thursday 28 October 2010 4:53

doggy has good taste

_vicky_luv | 0

#1614580 - Thursday 28 October 2010 6:03

can dogs get aids from that?

starile | 19

#1616306 - Thursday 28 October 2010 15:42

That's disgusting, not adorable.

jpest17 | 5

#1619352 - Friday 29 October 2010 5:29

dogs don't get aids stupid!

lildevil963 | 0

#1624388 - Saturday 30 October 2010 4:32

thts not sanitary

Southern_Grown | 0

#1631873 - Sunday 31 October 2010 12:26

did you really just ask if dogs could get aids from tampons??? WOW!!

alchemist27 | 13

#5366945 - Thursday 14 February 2013 0:28

Is your dogs name Giovanna

teentee401 | 36

#6029124 - Wednesday 6 August 2014 6:12

My dogs do the same thing...

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1611304 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:27

A golden vibrator retriever

Kevlar29 | 0

#1611409 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 17:01

OMFG most epic win!

xCatsPwnU | 0

#1611433 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 17:05

I see what you did there.

ArianS2 | 0

#1612793 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 22:37

Lol! Nice one. +1

mitchem | 3

#1613689 - Thursday 28 October 2010 2:35

would be cool if it wasn't for the fact that it was a German shepherd

T3CHN0_N3GR0 | 0

#1613868 - Thursday 28 October 2010 3:15

Good point #91

partyman007 | 0

#1614708 - Thursday 28 October 2010 6:42

yes!!!

By aliaskis | 3

#1611306 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:27

maybe you should hide your vibe in a drawer and not under your bed. unless you want to use the awkward moment as a segway into evolving your relationship with your guest.

littlewimpe | 3

#2863129 - Sunday 10 July 2011 22:11

You have very nice boobs.

By Air_Force001 | 0

#1611323 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:35

WTF it's called a drawer and should be used for such a item haha but dogs are awesome

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#1611868 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 18:47

Eh, I've known several dogs who could open drawers. Hell, my ferrets will even open my nightstand drawer if I put some of their favorite things to steal in there.