Health: Today, a doctor examined my wrist, which is completely swollen... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 417

You deserved it 112

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 170

You deserved it 1 467

27/11/2009 21:24

Today, a doctor examined my wrist, which is completely swollen and painful. He diagnosed a case of tendonitis and asked me, "Do you use this hand for a particular sort of sport?" I just smiled like a twit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 949

You deserved it 48 517

Age difference

Triage

Dysfunctional

24/12/2009 06:09

Today, I took a friend home from the hospital. She was on medication that made her drowsy. She fell onto her bed and asked me to help her take off some clothes since she had her winter gear on. She passes out and her roommate walks in and catches me undressing an unconscious girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 721

You deserved it 3 298

29/09/2014 19:39

Today, on my first day of sailing practice, I managed to sit on a metal cleat. After being admitted to the ER, I was informed that I had two vaginal lacerations that needed surgery. The nurse tried to convince me it was my lucky day, because the hospital café was serving vanilla pudding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 389

You deserved it 4 093

27/03/2013 07:29

Today, a customer came up to me and asked if I knew where the make-up aisle was. I pointed him in the right direction but he just gasped and said, "Oh so you DO know where it is!" and walked away, roaring with laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 479

You deserved it 3 831

04/05/2009 09:09

Today, while watching TV, I danced, sang along, and helped Dora the Explorer get to her Grandmother's house. It was the most fun I've had all year. I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 263

You deserved it 29 329

27/01/2016 19:43

Today, I was sitting in the living room with my husband when we heard a baby coo. This would have been adorable, if we had a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 694

You deserved it 1 453

16/11/2011 05:27

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 266

You deserved it 7 582

Asking for it

By Anonymous - 28/05/2020 17:00

Today, my crush and I were talking about hypothetical situations. I told her, "I love you hypothetically." She said, "I love me too." I even got rejected hypothetically. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 153

You deserved it 633

07/04/2009 02:11

Today, my friends and I saw a movie. We sat in the balcony. Halfway during the movie we heard a commotion, thinking it was a group of unruly teenagers like us, we began to pelt the lower half of the theater with candy. We later learned that it was a man having a heart attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 898

You deserved it 100 057

The single life

By Anonymous - 14/09/2021 22:00

Today, my girlfriend of over a year broke up with me while I'm deployed overseas. Her reason why is that she needs "to be alone to better herself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 909

You deserved it 83

02/12/2015 22:18

Today, my mother found out I published a book. She demanded that I pay her all my royalties as repayment for her raising me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 730

You deserved it 1 512

20/03/2014 20:23

Today, I found out why my dad always treated me badly as a kid compared to my siblings. It's because I was conceived while my mom was cheating on him. On top of that, he made it clear that he still doesn't consider me a "real" part of the family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 817

You deserved it 3 441

Fix up, look sharp

By anonymous - 18/08/2021 11:57

Spicy

Today, I had to explain to my husband why putting on dirty underwear after a shower defeats the purpose. We had this discussion in the middle of me giving him head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 625

You deserved it 9 443

17/02/2009 23:56

Today, I was working the register at a local grocery store. A kid about 5 years old was having trouble zipping his jacket. I reached out to help him and he started screaming "No bad touch bad touch!" and kicked me in the knee. Everyone looked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 005

You deserved it 9 482

14/01/2012 06:52

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend stated that we should play a game where one person asks the other a question, and they answer it with a picture. I thought it sounded fun so I said yes. His first question was, "Do you shave your vagina?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 987

You deserved it 9 424

28/10/2010 04:44

Today, my little cousin is going to be staying at our house for a year or so, because of financial problems. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that every single night he creeps up on me while I'm sleeping, and shouts "GO F YOURSELF!" directly into my ear. Only another 11 months to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 201

You deserved it 3 468

Pay up

By wasntme - 10/05/2020 08:00

Today, I got a bill for $62.70 because my company gave my last work car to some idiot who doesn't like to pay the toll road fees. They never took me off the registration. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 596

You deserved it 96

21/09/2013 15:09

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my wife, my Candy Crush addiction hit me full force, and all I could do was think about possible moves I could make in the level I'm stuck on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 349

You deserved it 50 904

16/07/2011 04:25

Today, I found out I can't go to my best friend's birthday party. To cheer me up, my parents decided to take me and my brother to my favorite pizzeria for dinner. When I was ready and went downstairs, I discovered they left already. They forgot me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 356

You deserved it 3 209

20/07/2011 12:36

Today, I killed a centipede. Now every little itch I feel, I think it's the centipede's spirit coming back to haunt me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 389

You deserved it 46 562

23/03/2010 14:51

Spicy

Today, after thinking I smelled the aroma of stale alcohol, I asked my husband, who is a recovering alcoholic, if he has been completely honest with me about all that he has been doing. Bracing myself to hear about his fall off the wagon, I instead heard a confession of adultery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 879

You deserved it 4 436

09/08/2012 11:39

Today, I went out with a friend to grab some food and we were served by this really cute and fun waiter. Stepping out of my comfort zone and deciding to do something crazy, I left my phone number on the bill. I got home only to realize that I forgot to pay the bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 779

You deserved it 24 460

30/04/2009 17:42

Today, I was babysitting a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. I asked her, "Do you got your bag?" And she said, "No. I have my bag. Babies say got. I'm a big girl." I am 20 years old and in the honors program in my college. I was corrected by a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 178

You deserved it 101 828

02/10/2011 07:27

Today, my six-year-old got in an argument with my four-year-old. I told them to go outside. The next thing I know, my son was standing in front of his sister's burning Barbie's Malibu Dream House, singing "Burn Baby Burn" and cackling madly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 754

You deserved it 10 284

07/07/2015 03:59

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with a broken finger, all because I beat my little brother in a Wii game. He ran over and twisted my finger, saying, "Now how are you going to beat me, cunt?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 419

You deserved it 2 969

22/05/2013 00:10

Spicy

Today, I had to go with my mom to the gynecologist to translate due to her broken English. As we were filling out papers and answering questions, the doctor asked some very personal questions. I now know everything about my mom's sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 990

You deserved it 6 768

18/02/2010 09:51

Today, after 25 years of marriage and 2 children, I was served with divorce papers. It turns out my 51 year old, soon to be ex, has been having an affair with the 24 year old tutor I hired to help our daughter bring her grades up. They are in love and want to start a new family together as soon as possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 124

You deserved it 2 862

08/10/2009 03:22

Today, my little sister was playing with her building blocks. All of a sudden, she began to cry and held her finger out to me. Assuming she had hurt it, I kissed it better, and tasted something odd on my lips. Turns out she wasn't hurt, she was crying because she had touched cat vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 737

You deserved it 9 044

Slicey slicey

By tas2013kid - 01/12/2020 17:03

Today, I found out I had three strands of pubic hair beside my nipple, so I decided to cut it off with a scissor since I'm going swimming tomorrow. In an attempt to cut off my third strand, I instead excised the cap of my left nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 366

You deserved it 1 059

19/04/2009 19:21

Today, I found out that the girl I've been in love with for a long while got back together with her ex boyfriend because he had confessed his true feelings to her through a note in her locker. It was my note. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115 162

You deserved it 11 593

Who run the world? Cats!

By tease_ftx - 31/08/2017 13:00

Today, as I was laying down to sleep, I grabbed my covers and realized the cat pissed on them and on my body pillow. Now I'm up at 1 a.m. doing laundry so I can have clean bedding and my kids are awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 126

You deserved it 416

31/03/2016 17:07

Today, my hair got stuck in my umbrella. I asked for help from passers-by, but all I got was weird looks as they hurried past me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 123

You deserved it 1 881

Forever alone man

By Boyufd - 02/01/2021 08:00

Today, I feel so lonely I talked to the likely scam number that called me. Even then they hung up after 2 minutes of talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 720

You deserved it 157

Cynophobia

By Anonymous - 01/08/2021 04:01

Today, my new boyfriend is so scared of dogs that he won’t even go in the room where my new puppy's bed is, so even on the days when he’s at home not working, I still have to pay the lad next door to come round and let it into the garden for a pee, because he’s too scared to open the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 460

You deserved it 646

08/08/2014 12:26

Today, as a last resort for my back problems, I tried acupuncture. After the needles were placed and the doctor had left, I couldn't move for 30 minutes. I had a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 023

You deserved it 5 044

22/01/2009 15:14

Today, I got bored and decided to try World Of Warcraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 831

You deserved it 31 087

Heimlich

By Macdaddy - 05/12/2008 12:49

Today, I attended my first meeting with my bosses. For lunch we went to a restaurant. I choked on a piece of meat and couldn't breathe anymore. I had to take that piece of meat out of my throat with my fingers, and then put it back on my plate all chewed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 960

You deserved it 3 442

26/11/2011 15:38

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend peeing in the cat's litter box. I'm the one who has to clean it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 918

You deserved it 3 867

Customers…

By Giselle - 14/05/2021 14:01

Today, two girls walked into the clothing store I work in. One of them pulled a shirt from the bottom of a huge stack, knocking it down. One of them asks, "Aren’t your gonna put the stack back together?" The other says, "No, that bitch gets paid to clean that shit up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 115

You deserved it 78

06/07/2012 03:31

Today, I was messing with my cat by moving my hand around under the sheets to make it look like a mouse, making him pounce at it. Without thinking, I brought my hand up to scratch my nose and was immediately attacked by flailing claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 485

You deserved it 28 545

14/04/2013 07:28

Today, when I was talking to my younger brother, he suddenly said "Oh, I was supposed to tell you that there's this girl who has a huge crush on you!" I asked who and he answered, "I totally forgot her name, that was like 2 months ago." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 579

You deserved it 4 190

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Top comments

SomeonethingStup 0

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Friday 27 November 2009 22:52

lol, Masturbating is now officially a sport and is approved by Doctors.

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Friday 27 November 2009 22:53

sexersise

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SomeonethingStup 0

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Friday 27 November 2009 22:52

lol, Masturbating is now officially a sport and is approved by Doctors.

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Friday 27 November 2009 22:52

haha

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Friday 27 November 2009 23:54

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Get a girlfriend or a hooker Have a nice day

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Friday 27 November 2009 23:58

It is time to do the impossible and switch to the other hand __________________________________ www.myspace.com/rapid99

marc_with_a_c 3

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Saturday 28 November 2009 2:07

Can't wait for the olympics, I'll totally win the gold in that event!

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Saturday 28 November 2009 2:58

Ahh, you're a retard.

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Saturday 28 November 2009 16:18

seriously????????

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Monday 14 December 2009 13:17

Can you be disqualified for using a vibrator?

WorldCupCheer 0

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Friday 4 June 2010 8:13

gracias 26 I'm sure u can find someone working the night shift for a cheap price lol

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 6:35

op can be a master-debater :D

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Sunday 22 May 2011 6:38

50 and 127 hahahahahahahhahahahahaha

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Wednesday 15 June 2011 13:45

awesome I would win gold lol jks

EvilCupcake8361 9

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Sunday 14 August 2011 10:40

why yes he's actually on the debating team

sens3sfailing 24

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Monday 23 July 2012 21:29

Hey, if you masturbait while you fish your baitin' while your baitin'

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Saturday 8 June 2013 4:28

There's actually a masturbation contest on Japan...

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 4:51

lol

cole_tyler42 21

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Thursday 4 September 2014 10:14

He's the debate team captain. His full title is "Master Debater"

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Friday 27 November 2009 22:53

sexersise

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Saturday 28 November 2009 0:12

sexercise lol thats too funny >.

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Friday 4 December 2009 17:24

Haha, and I thought it was due to intense piano practice. Now I know XD

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Saturday 27 March 2010 23:29

ewwww # 3 u r gross looking

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Tuesday 6 April 2010 3:03

136 your screen name makes me think you're gross looking.

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 7:25

137 FTW

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Monday 18 July 2011 22:13

#136 r u fat cuz ur name makes me think you are so stfu it's a good sport we just don't get tired, outta breath and fall asleep halfway In!

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Friday 27 November 2009 22:53

what are the rules?

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Friday 27 November 2009 22:55

switch hands once one of them starts to swell

st87 0

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Saturday 28 November 2009 8:02

better still.... only allowed your opposite hand. And this sport can be in the PARAlympics as well as Olympics :P

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Thursday 31 December 2015 1:43

Rule n°1 you don't talk about the fight club

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Friday 27 November 2009 22:55

Master-bater.

1two3four5six 23

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Tuesday 31 May 2011 4:13

fuck u!

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Friday 28 October 2011 21:43

Guess that Batter can't swing no more.

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Friday 27 November 2009 23:01

oh wow...thats sooo fake

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Tuesday 7 January 2014 21:26

What does it mean when it says comment moderated

KaySL 24

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Friday 27 November 2009 23:01

Hey, go easy on the OP. I hear chronic gang-wanking is popular over in London.

KaySL 24

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Friday 27 November 2009 23:14

I see you took my advice and changed the name from T3H G4NGB4NG3Rs, Mercy :D Gave off all the wrong signals, didn't it?

KaySL 24

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Friday 27 November 2009 23:22

"Fighting Crime Before Bedtime"... If that wasn't a cute euphemism before, it certainly is now xD

KaySL 24

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Saturday 28 November 2009 0:02

Yeah, that BITCH, how dare she. She's sold out to Didier, that slimey French Cassanova :'( Though if she's reading this, I take it all back, heh... heheh... heh? *holds Mercy tight* O.O

KaySL 24

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Saturday 28 November 2009 0:37

Awww =( I'll give you all the "supper" you want if you'll just move in with me in my secret dungeon of horrors =)

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Saturday 28 November 2009 2:22

Kay, you slut. Hush your loose lips! >_> Hello again, my sweet. And hi Mercy. I've not sold out. I'm still here for you. Although if Didier has money......... :P

KaySL 24

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Saturday 28 November 2009 2:56

Hey, I'm only a slut for you, dearest Toxi, and my lips are hardly loose :D I was just saying what a wonderful man Didi is and how we should all sacrifice some virgin trolls to him as a display of our eternal gratitude, or... something convincing. Heheh >_>

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Saturday 28 November 2009 8:52

Ok, tight lips. :) Yes, let's pay homage to Didi. Since we can't have a "plexico, have my babies" club anymore, we need a new figurehead. My biological clock is ticking. Or I'm just horny. I'm not sure. But someone better get it on with me. Kay?

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Saturday 28 November 2009 9:19

lmao I read this exchange scrolling through the comments and am so lost. lmao... You crazy FML kids and your inside jokes... o_O lol and don't ask when I called you kids when I'm still a teenager myself. Its just what i do... lolz... XD

redbluegreen 40

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Saturday 28 November 2009 9:21

I knew I smelled an inside joke. I miss my Mercy Mercy. Twinny is dead to us by the way. Toxi, aren't you always horny?

KaySL 24

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Saturday 28 November 2009 15:08

Hey, I resent our dodgy online affair being referred to as an 'inside joke', that's just demeaning *strikes a defiant pose* And yes, Toxi, let us get it on :D [censored just in case there's any Christians here ready to fuck up their own wrists over a steamy lesbian sex scene]

perdix 29

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Saturday 28 November 2009 17:17

Stands at edge of pool. Deciding. Jump in? Or watch and do what gave the OP tennis elbow that wasn't tennis? Might choose the voyeur way this time. . .

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Saturday 28 November 2009 22:41

redbluegreen 40

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Saturday 28 November 2009 22:42

It's only an inside joke if you're telling jokes while inside her. ;D Thank you Mercy. I lovers you! ♥ FML sleepover at my house? Cult members only.

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Friday 27 November 2009 23:05

I'm calling bullshit I've heard so many stories similar to that

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Friday 27 November 2009 23:11

LMFAO That's hilarious

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Friday 27 November 2009 23:14

ahahahaha now i know why my wrist hurts :P

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Friday 27 November 2009 23:18

It's not only intense - it's frequent. How else is he going to rack up experience points?