Top

Top agreed Top commented Top favorited

Top of the day Top of the week Top of the month Top of the year Top all time

Criminal minds at their best

By loz4151336 - 03/03/2020 12:06

Today, my friends wanted to try to dine and dash at a McDonald's. I had to explain why that wouldn't work. FML

agreeclassic 1 655

vote type 1 220

Kick the tragedy

By Anonymous - 10/07/2021 18:01

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend is pushing for sex even though I’ve just had spinal surgery, his reasoning being I only have to lie there, so it’s not like he’s asking me to move or actively participate. He basically wants me to ignore my pain and become a masturbation toy. FML

agreeclassic 1 740

vote type 1 174

Crime scene

By xTRYSOFTx - 07/03/2020 03:00 - United States

Today, I called the police because I thought a burglar had broken into our house. I found out the strange noise was just my dog fucking about, so I smashed a small window and kicked down a door so I wouldn't be embarrassed. FML

agreeclassic 495

vote type 1 2 212

By ForSeriousReally - 11/06/2016 17:48 - Canada - Ponoka

Today, I was outside using a power sander. I forgot to put on mosquito repellent and a mosquito started biting me. My only somewhat-free hand was holding the power sander. FML

agreeclassic 9 957

vote type 1 2 751

ForSeriousReally app_comment_confession_title

ForSeriousReally 17

Sunday 12 June 2016 15:28

It was expensive.

By Anonymous - 10/06/2016 01:08

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to take a break. At least she gave me a parting gift. Lice. FML

agreeclassic 14 250

vote type 1 966

By Nick - 05/06/2016 21:59

Today, I was swimming in a public pool, and I felt a tug on my swimming trunks. It was my grandma snorkeling. FML

agreeclassic 12 755

vote type 1 1 227

By Kendall14159 - 22/05/2016 02:14 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I was babysitting a 6 year-old and a 9 year-old. After they went to bed, I started working on a project for on my laptop that was due in 12 hours and fell asleep. I woke up to a dog licking my peanut buttered keyboard and the two kids sitting in the corner giggling. FML

agreeclassic 12 612

vote type 1 3 109

Jerk

By GogglesGoggles - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a guy punched me in the subway for staring at his girlfriend. I had dark glasses on, and was fast asleep. FML

agreeclassic 48 461

vote type 1 3 732

By kaylashay2k13 - 17/05/2016 14:18 - United States - Mission

Today, my boyfriend was trying to tackle me to the bed when we heard a loud pop. The pop turned out to be him breaking my pinky finger. FML

agreeclassic 13 052

vote type 1 1 108

By Girl - 19/08/2009 00:23 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was playing catch with my 6 year old cousin in the garden, when he demanded a piggy back. Trying to be the good cousin, I did so and he soon shouts "Run! Run!" so I do so. Suddenly he shouts "STOP! My winky's gone pointy". I gave my 6 year old cousin an erection. FML

agreeclassic 63 166

vote type 1 5 342

Wasps can **** right off

By Jeff - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a wasp flew into my room. While I, a 6'2" hockey player, cowered in the corner, my 4'11" girlfriend killed it. FML

agreeclassic 12 201

vote type 1 42 250

By Mr. Sensitive Nips - 17/03/2011 22:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was spending Saint Patrick's Day with my girlfriend, when she started pinching me for not wearing green. To my complete shock, when she pinched my nipple, I got the biggest, most noticeable erection I've ever had in my life, and no matter what I did, it wouldn't go away. We were in public. FML

agreeclassic 49 613

vote type 1 9 414

By Anonymous - 01/03/2010 22:04 - United States

Today, a really hot guy smacked my ass. I farted. FML

agreeclassic 49 745

vote type 1 10 949

Zedonging intensifies

By Anonymous - 02/05/2020 23:00

Today, I went downstairs to complain to my landlady that there was no water when I was trying to wash my hair. To which she replied, "No, of course there is water, it's just all going into my swimming pool." FML

agreeclassic 1 731

vote type 1 114

By Tuture - 30/04/2016 01:08 - France - Paris

Today, a learner driver was practicing maneuvers in the parking lot at work. This happens a lot, and my colleagues and I usually have fun watching and laughing. It was all fun and games as usual, until the learner crashed into my car. FML

agreeclassic 13 644

vote type 1 2 557

By f.m. - 23/07/2018 16:00

Today, I took my driving test. I was nervous, but I thought I followed the rules of the road pretty well. My tester ended up failing me for "backing out too slowly". FML

agreeclassic 3 272

vote type 1 309

Lock your doors

By jerrid - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a drunk man opened the unlocked door to my house thinking it was his house. He tried to attack me because he thought I was a burglar. FML

agreeclassic 34 266

vote type 1 7 825

Power moves

By Travis - 10/09/2021 22:59

Spicy

Today, my wife told me that I take her breath away. However, she was talking about my large stomach hitting her while we have sex and knocking the wind out of her with every thrust. FML

agreeclassic 620

vote type 1 1 229

By pissedandpoor - 15/04/2016 17:50 - United States - Meadville

Today, my wallet got stolen. I had a bunch of cash, my SS card and my license in it. Now I have to replace everything, only to have to renew my license again when I turn 21 in June. FML

agreeclassic 19 004

vote type 1 2 967

What's in a name?

By charlatan - 19/08/2018 01:30

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She asked me what year I was born in, then brutally rejected me. Apparently it's because my name wasn't in the top 20 baby names for my birth year. FML

agreeclassic 2 991

vote type 1 231

Fitness guru

By Anonymous - 13/04/2016 16:41 - United States

Today, I joined my grandpa on his morning jog. I didn't last 15 minutes before nearly passing out from exhaustion. He came jogging back home nearly an hour later looking even better than he did when we left. FML

agreeclassic 19 942

vote type 1 6 783

All in a day's work!

By Joshtodon - 21/08/2018 22:00

Today, I was unloading tile boxes out of my pickup truck into this lady's garage. As I grabbed the last 50-pound box, a passing bird shat on my forehead. Green ooze ran down my whole face. FML

agreeclassic 2 822

vote type 1 172

By Drover7 - 07/04/2016 23:26 - Australia - Padstow

Today, my family is flying to Hawaii for a longed-for holiday. Well, my husband and children are; I'm in a hospital bed awaiting surgery on kidney stones that I never knew I had. Hopefully they'll send me a postcard. FML

agreeclassic 19 939

vote type 1 1 213

Drover7 app_comment_confession_title

Drover7 3

Tuesday 12 April 2016 7:39

I am the OP and wish to thank everyone for their well wishes and kindness. Bit of an update: I have an infection in both kidneys so they can't yet remove the big 7mm stone that is stuck half way. Surgeons put in a stent and my pain filled hazy brain decided I just wanted to be with family so I stupidly boarded a plane to Hawaii! Now I am writhing about in a hotel bed (with a beautiful view of Waikiki and Diamond Head) and still ruining my family's holiday. I didn't realise how serious my condition was when I assured my husband that if he got on the plane I would follow a day later so it's all my fault. I've made a shitty situation even worse. FML

By Sedici - 18/12/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, I got screamed at, threatened, cursed, and spat on by an elderly couple for "running them off the road". I was driving an ambulance, lights and sirens on, with a 4 year old in the back who couldn't breathe. They were going 20 in a 50mph zone for 2 miles straight. FML

agreeclassic 54 360

vote type 1 2 579

By Anonymous - 24/07/2009 10:01 - United States

Today, I was in an elevator with my dad and several strangers. When the elevator voice said, "Going down," my dad excitedly said, "Man, I love it when she says that!" loudly enough for everyone to hear. FML

agreeclassic 46 078

vote type 1 4 692

By Nola - 13/09/2018 22:00

Today, my fiancé got his associate degree in the mail. Wanting to surprise him when he got home, I opened it to display it before going out to buy groceries. His dog got a hold of his degree and shredded it to pieces. FML

agreeclassic 2 317

vote type 1 1 800

By Andrew - 30/10/2012 06:08 - United States - Monroe

Today, whilst in an argument with my girlfriend, I told her she was the craziest bitch I'd ever met. She responded with "Challenge accepted." I'm now terrified. FML

agreeclassic 12 937

vote type 1 46 556

Admission time

By peeoncarl1111 - 29/01/2011 01:06 - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth cut out. While my girlfriend was driving me home, I, still being high on the laughing gas, accidentally admitted to cheating on her. She was kind enough to wait until the numbness wore off before she punched me in the face. FML

agreeclassic 10 491

vote type 1 120 624

By StolenCarz - 09/03/2016 12:30 - United States - Asheville

Today, my friend and I were walking down my neighborhood when he joked that my car was being stolen when one that looked exactly like it passed. It was my car. FML

agreeclassic 22 849

vote type 1 1 510

StolenCarz app_comment_confession_title

StolenCarz 6

Wednesday 9 March 2016 22:38

Was able to get it recovered, the perpetrator is now in jail :) thanks everyone

Gamers don't rise up

By Anonymous - 17/11/2021 23:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, a guy I like invited me to play video games. Naked. He asked me to show up naked too. I did. He was too busy in a video game raid to even notice. FML

agreeclassic 1 331

vote type 1 406

VDM sur Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Top

Today, multiple customers have complained about my body odor. Not only can I not smell anything, but I shower three times a day and brush my teeth seven times a day. FML

agreeclassic 945

vote type 1 138

Today, I fucked up a relationship, by accident, and then they broke up. FML

agreeclassic 369

vote type 1 725

Today, after months of a very healthy sex life with my boyfriend, he asked me to let him try anal. I'm dead-set against it, so I tried to let him down easy by jokingly saying that I would, but only if he let me try it on him first. He said, "Sure." Fuck. FML

agreeclassic 29 325

vote type 1 48 698

Today, I applied for a passport. I was told the first set of photos I took were unusable because my face, particularly my chin, didn't fit inside the designated area for your face in the picture. My chin did fit in the frame, my double chin however, did not. FML

agreeclassic 18 304

vote type 1 43 683

Today, just like every other day, I was woken up 2 hours earlier than I needed to be, by the alarm belonging to my upstairs neighbors. They won't wake up until their real alarm goes off: me, pounding the walls and yelling in frustration. FML

agreeclassic 28 734

vote type 1 2 337

Today, my car window got smashed, because someone somehow confused the doll my daughter always leaves strapped into a carseat for an actual kid. It's a cabbage patch kid. FML

agreeclassic 51 757

vote type 1 4 092