By awkward - United States

Dirty talk

Today, I was having some kinky sex with my girlfriend. When I said "You've been a bad girl", she looked at me wide-eyed and asked very seriously, "What did I do?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

57462

You deserved it

10406

Favorite

Intimacy

Dangling modifier

Jealousy

Mr. Burns

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my grandma to the hospital to visit her estranged husband who she hasn't seen in years. After a thoroughly disasterous visit, we're waiting in the carpark and my gran strokes my face and tells me I have a lot of facial hair. I thought she was going to thank me. And I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44670

You deserved it

4012

Favorite

By GuessImWalking

Today, I found out I will be without a car for two weeks because my mother volunteered to let my grandparents use mine while theirs is being repaired. They've been in 4 accidents over the last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5855

You deserved it

397

Favorite

By wotwzombie - United States

Today, It took me over 3 hours to cut out little letters for an event I'm putting on. It took the wind less than a second to blow them all over campus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52549

You deserved it

16324

Favorite

By ididntevendrinkthatnight - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got mugged on the way to my 21st birthday party at a bar. I begged the thug to at least throw me my ID, only to have him laugh and run away singing "happy birthday". FML

I agree, your life sucks

61775

You deserved it

3962

Favorite

By I hate that game - United Kingdom - Wigan

Today, I was playing monopoly with my boyfriend and a few friends. After I bankrupted my boyfriend, he turned to me and said, "I fucked your best friend last night, so who really won?" I turned to the best friend in question, she looked at the board and said, "I'd like to buy a house please." FML

I agree, your life sucks

66178

You deserved it

4857

Favorite

By justcomesnaturally - United States - Danby

Today, I realized that I'm a terrible human being. For the first time in my life, I gave some change to a homeless guy, but only so he'd get out of my face long enough for me to watch two other bums beating the crap out of each other over a sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7431

You deserved it

34510

Favorite

By GotPunched - Finland

Today, my girlfriend's friend told her she had seen me shopping with a cute girl. When I came back home my girlfriend punched me in the face and asked who the girl was. Apparently her friend didn't tell her the cute girl was my three years old niece. I lost a tooth because of that punch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

97586

You deserved it

5553

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that it is never, ever a good idea to put a band-aid of any kind on your penis, because eventually you will have to take it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9959

You deserved it

53001

Favorite

By loserr - United States - Highland Park

Today, I made myself a hot pocket for lunch. I managed to scald myself on the red-hot cheese, and at the same time bite into the center, which was somehow still frozen solid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38974

You deserved it

7132

Favorite

By katiebird - United States - Durham

Today, my father informed me that I will have no chance of dating a good man if I keep up with these interracial relationships. And that he won't be supporting me through college if I continue this "rebellion." My boyfriend is half black and loves the same music, sports, and movies as my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20507

You deserved it

2013

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wokingham

Today, after having bought my daughter a complete set of new school clothes, she threw a tantrum and refused to wear them. I told her she could either wear them, or go to school naked. She made if half-way down the street in the nude before I caught up and dragged her back inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30697

You deserved it

10167

Favorite

By erockinthesuburb - United States - Algonquin

Today, I was stopped and searched by a cop, and he quickly found the bag of weed in my pocket. He didn't arrest or fine me, but he did confiscate my weed and told me to "get lost." Pretty sure I just got legally mugged. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16873

You deserved it

41797

Favorite

By sore - Australia

Today, I was paintballing when I got shot in the stomach and winded. As I was gasping for breath on the ground, someone came up and shot me point blank in my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43156

You deserved it

6656

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lied when my therapist asked why I preferred Tuesday morning appointments. It's actually because World of Warcraft is down for regularly scheduled maintenance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12706

You deserved it

37631

Favorite

By Catfish

Today, I met the "cute guy" I've been chatting with online for a few months. He never smiled in pics, but I didn't think anything of it until I got to his place and he started talking. He didn't have a single tooth in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3725

You deserved it

564

Favorite

By f'ed_over - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mom tried to bribe him with an iPhone to dump me. He accepted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36256

You deserved it

2411

Favorite

By samantha - Singapore

Today, I was sick with the flu so my boyfriend announced that he would make me some chicken soup. It was touching until I stumbled to the kitchen and found out that his "chicken soup" was actually leftover KFC bones boiled in water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35640

You deserved it

4342

Favorite

By Emmz91

Brain fart

Today, I couldn't open my car door from the inside. I rang my father-in-law in a panic and he opened it from the outside for me. Then he asked why I just didn't roll down the window and do it myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

643

You deserved it

1557

Favorite

By thanksmom - United States

Today, I was released from hospital after being in a car accident. I used the phone book to call people I know to get a ride home, as my wallet and cellphone were still in the wrecked car. I had called my mom to come get me, but her response was "I don't feel like it." I live with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38779

You deserved it

2974

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Harrison

Today, I met my girlfriend's mom. She went on about how my girlfriend's dad is a no good drunk, following this statement with spilling her fifth glass of wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25054

You deserved it

2086

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today I went in for an STD test. The Q-tip broke off in my urethra. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5356

You deserved it

408

Favorite

By madeline9322 - Canada

Today, the lack of heating in my room has gotten to the point where I have to cuddle my clothes for the next day at night so they're not freezing when I wake up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8462

You deserved it

767

Favorite

By bad dad

Today, trying to be a good co-parent, I asked my ex if he’d like to go to the circus with our kids and I. His new girlfriend of a whopping five days said it made her uncomfortable. He stood us up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2064

You deserved it

169

Favorite

By I wish it was gum

Today, I was in the cinema making out with my girlfriend. I asked her if she could stop trying to pass me her gum because it was kinda gross. She replied "It's not gum, I just have bronchitis." FML

I agree, your life sucks

4899

You deserved it

646

Favorite

By FrustratedTutor - United States - Andover

Today, the kid I was tutoring told me that "pirates were a myth. Like the Greeks and Romans." He's 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36691

You deserved it

2810

Favorite

By John Brown

Today, my roommate told me that I have to find a new place to live because I make his new girlfriend uncomfortable. I just had surgery and am bedridden. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3611

You deserved it

162

Favorite

By Tyler - United States

Today, at my job as a cocktail server in a bar, a group of good looking ladies sat in my section. As I was finishing up with the table next to them I overheard one of them saying, "I hope we don't get that guy, I want a sexy waiter tonight." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37692

You deserved it

3064

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 17:00 - United Stated - Portland

Stormy weather

Today, I was about to have sex with my long-term boyfriend, when it started to rain. He was so interested in the storm that he left me half naked to look outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1046

You deserved it

213

Favorite

By Cottagecheeseha - United States - Monterey Park

Today, I pulled out a book and my bookmark fell out. My crush picked it up and a weird look came across his face. I then realized I had used toilet paper. Now I'm the girl who reads while taking dumps. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22577

You deserved it

6739

Favorite

By wait..what - United States

Today, I was in class just taking notes and minding my own business. The teacher has already called my parents twice complaining about me. As we are taking 3 pages of notes she grabs mine and rips them up, saying that she is sick and tired of me drawing. I was drawing the graphs on the board. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51568

You deserved it

3413

Favorite

By Lizzie - United States - Rockford

Today, we had a get together for work at a restaurant I've never heard of. After spending all week trying to make a good impression on my new boss and co-workers, I showed up in a pair of shorts and a Star Wars T-Shirt. Turns out it was one of the fanciest restaurants in town. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21436

You deserved it

53146

Favorite

By sickandtiredofit - United States

Today, I found out that my wife has been having an affair with the guy who's been trying to get our relationship back on track. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41155

You deserved it

3089

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Charleston

Today, I woke up to several dead snails and worms all over my bed. I guess that's what my little sister meant yesterday when she said I'd be sorry for not letting her play on my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22291

You deserved it

2185

Favorite

By sexisntfun - United States

Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, with whom I am genuinely in love. Right after I'd got the condom on, she said, "You do know this is break-up sex, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

42046

You deserved it

3140

Favorite

By :( - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner and have to leave in shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69013

You deserved it

7973

Favorite

By HAIRY - United States - Iowa City

Today, I was hanging out with some of my friends when I fell asleep. When I woke up, I found that they had shaved the F word into my arm. I don't know what is more disturbing: the fact that this is what my friends do for fun, or that I have enough arm hair to have four letters shaved into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24035

You deserved it

4407

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Reasonable

Today, I found out that my best friend lost her virginity to my father. Her excuse? She was drunk. His excuse? "She's hot." FML

I agree, your life sucks

58937

You deserved it

4370

Favorite

By roadkill0321 - United States

Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34393

You deserved it

5366

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was supposed to work with this girl I really like but I had the flu really bad. I really really wanted to see her so I forced myself out of bed and went to work feeling terrible but determined to see her face. When I got to work I asked where she was. She had called in sick with the flu. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39948

You deserved it

17714

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I desperately needed a mental health day, so I took the day off work and got some junk food and wine. A few hours later, I'm in hospital with gallstones and pancreatitis, needing an emergency surgery. My mental health day turned into multiple weeks off work, and a lot of pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1453

You deserved it

172

Favorite

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Top comments

By Wakachulak | 22

#5865611 - Saturday 22 February 2014 12:58

Well, at least you know she hasn't done anything.

By Alyxi | 20

#5865615 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:00

are you sure she wasn't just trying to play along?

COMMENTS

By Wakachulak | 22

#5865611 - Saturday 22 February 2014 12:58

Well, at least you know she hasn't done anything.

By Alyxi | 20

#5865615 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:00

are you sure she wasn't just trying to play along?

arandomusernameaa | 20

#5865623 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:05

what would you answer with though?

also the tone of voice probably hinted she thought she had done something wrong..

JMichael | 25

#5865670 - Saturday 22 February 2014 14:36

She was very convincing apparently.

By Alhamdulilah | 15

#5865616 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:01

Your girlfriend HAS done something wrong!

bubblyhayley | 16

#5865970 - Saturday 22 February 2014 21:59

I agree!!!!

hunteryager | 18

#5866404 - Sunday 23 February 2014 14:31

There's a button for that!!!

zsxwrsd | 7

#5867180 - Monday 24 February 2014 7:58

Where?

By xxBFMVAAMIWxx | 18

#5865622 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:05

Your girlfriend doesn't understand kinky sex

IPatMusic | 2

#5873202 - Sunday 2 March 2014 9:57

Thank you I never would guess that

LouisvilleLuke | 10

#5963847 - Tuesday 3 June 2014 3:45

Thanks for clearing that one up

By AUShano | 15

#5865627 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:09

Best. Girlfriend. Ever.

Marry that girl!!

CandyPewPewPew | 29

#5865767 - Saturday 22 February 2014 17:56

Appreciate her too!

Wakachulak | 22

#5865965 - Saturday 22 February 2014 21:53

We'll be a family...
No matter what you say...

I don't know, it just seemed appropriate. Or the song is just plain stuck in my head.

nyctophobia | 5

#5930991 - Wednesday 30 April 2014 22:16

Not a reason to marry someone.

By strawberrywine22 | 27

#5865628 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:10

Explain it to her, and then you two can practice practice practice until she gets it right!

By brandoneyez1 | 25

#5865629 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:12

She's new to talking dirty... She'll get the hang of it.

By Enslaved | 36

#5865633 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:16

So continue and tell her why she's been a "bad girl". If you're going to role play don't break character! :P

arandomusernameaa | 20

#5865637 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:17

But you have to think about that!

Enslaved | 36

#5865642 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:30

It's not what you say, it's how you say it.
I role play quite a lot minus the "bad girl". Harsh words and playful spankings trigger my-- daddy issues. :'''(