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The next day (on her actual birthday), I wished her a happy birthday again and luckily I still had a present for her (I had planned on giving her the nicest present right before bed the previous night but when she told me her birthday was the next day, I kept it for her real birthday!). :-)

Tuck in

By skollasch - 25/09/2014 06:21 - United States - Highland

Today, I was told by my doctor I should start eating meat again after two years of vegetarianism, in an effort to be healthier. After horrid gas after my first turkey sandwich, I was told that my body no longer has the enzymes to digest meat. My efforts to be healthy crippled my stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 892

You deserved it 16 695

No thanks

By SadIndianLife - 15/11/2015 21:00 - India - Delhi

Today, my girlfriend's mother is more into me than she is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 497

You deserved it 2 259

Crushed

By beanpole - 19/12/2016 19:34 - Canada - Canning

Today, I had to cancel plans to go to the movies with the guy I've had a crush on for months due to a sudden case of the flu. This was already rescheduled from yesterday, when I had to cancel due to bad weather (after he had already left home). He thinks that I'm just making excuses not to see him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 174

You deserved it 1 189

By moonbears - 22/10/2015 16:46 - United States - Portland

Today, as I tried to parallel park at a busy spot downtown, a group of teens jumped in front of my car and started a slow clap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 105

You deserved it 2 835

By screwyouchris - 16/10/2015 23:08 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me that he sees no future with me. It's alright though, because he says we can still "coast along" until he meets someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 726

You deserved it 2 086

By Mightytall - 01/06/2019 10:27

Today, I thought I had a good talk about personal hygiene and infection risk with my 6-year-old. Later, he told his mom he won’t poop any more, because his butt will "fall off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 957

You deserved it 292

Mightytall tells us more.

Mightytall 35

Saturday 1 June 2019 7:54

Yay! My first ever published fml! What did I do? I showed him how to hold the paper and told him he needs to wipe with new paper until it stays clean. And that if he does not, he will run around smelly and eventually risk getting an infection. The whole time he looked me straight in the eyes and listened intently, but the only thing that really stuck was apparently the part where I said that a really bad infection can cause him to lose parts of his popo in the worst case. So ya, FML

By Anonymous - 17/10/2010 05:55 - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend shaving his pubic hair before we had sex. This would be fine, except he was saying "Nom nom nom, I eat cock hairs" to his electric razor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 001

You deserved it 8 835

You OK, hun?

By Anonymous - 25/11/2016 08:43

Today, I got to meet the guy that I have been talking to over a dating website. We were having a great time, at least until I managed to randomly fall asleep in front of him. I spent the rest of the day sending text messages trying to explain to him that I suffer from narcolepsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 285

You deserved it 1 052

By fuckendog - 25/07/2014 06:05 - Australia - Virginia

Today, I was cooking bacon while my dog watched me, drooling. I thought this was funny and I teased her a bit. I then slipped in the drool as I was carrying the bacon and she got to enjoy it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 232

You deserved it 55 811

By Anonymous - 30/06/2019 12:12

Today, my son got an email saying he could win an iPad if he just entered his credit card number. He asked for mine, telling me that it was so he could buy some school supplies online, so I gave it to him. The internet just conned a credit card number out of a 17-year-old nitwit. And me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 727

You deserved it 1 023

By rosecolas - 12/11/2016 13:36 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I was given a building key that students aren't supposed to have because they'll lose it. I told my coach I wouldn't lose the key. The same key disappeared not even 20 minutes later without a trace. I still can't find it, and it's been an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 094

You deserved it 3 732

By Anonymous - 22/09/2015 02:47 - United States

Today, I had finally summoned the courage to break up with my boyfriend, something I've needed to do for a long time. Right before my speech, he presented me with tickets to my favorite band a month from now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 963

You deserved it 6 009

By Getmeout - 31/05/2012 06:50 - United States - Hartfield

Today, while sitting in my Forensic Psychology class, my professor listed all of the main traits that indicate someone may very well be a sociopath. Every single trait described my fiancé perfectly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 745

You deserved it 5 746

Oh, hi Mark!

By DepressedKid - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I found out that no one actually likes me as a friend. They only like me to get answers for schoolwork. How did I find out? They were talking about it in front of me. Apparently I'm also invisible to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 806

You deserved it 3 830

By poormanslucyliu1 - 07/11/2016 02:28

Today, I had to teach my 13-year-old sister that sugar and salt don't, "cancel each other out to make the taste neutral". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 842

You deserved it 726

By Claire - 29/09/2010 05:59 - Australia

Today, I went to the beach with this boy I like. Not thinking it'd be anything more than a simple date, I didn't shave my downstairs. We were sitting on a towel and I laid down. Then he said, "Is there a squirrel in your pants?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 146

You deserved it 44 021

By Anonymous - 18/07/2019 02:00

Today, my son walked in on me masturbating. Now, whenever I don't do whatever he wants, he blackmails me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 320

You deserved it 2 195

Traditional

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Ghana - Accra

Today, I'm on holiday in Ghana. After having worn an anklet I bought here for the past two weeks, I was told that it's used by the local prostitutes to advertise their trade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 145

You deserved it 8 114

By maggierose171 - 19/05/2012 15:08 - United States - Rosendale

Today, my daughter's bed broke. Trying to see the damage, I lay down on her floor to get a closer look. I saw mountains of condom boxes under there. Now I know why the bed broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 362

You deserved it 5 750

By JordanAfml - 03/09/2015 21:14 - United States - Lake Havasu City

Today, I found my cat who's been missing for three days, sitting inside my neighbor's window. He won't answer the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 747

You deserved it 1 844

JordanAfml tells us more.

JordanAfml 3

Friday 4 September 2015 16:07

OP here. My cat is an indoor cat, we rescued her when she was 2 months old and she never left the house in the last 3 years. My dog popped a corner of the screen out of one of my windows and that's how my cat got outside. We went to all of our nearby neighbors asking them to keep an eye out for her, and the particular person who has my cat hates my husband. We thought it was strange he was being so nice and friendly towards us the first day, and now we know why.