The Top

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Final fantasy

By Anonymous - 14/01/2025 19:00 - United Kingdom - Castleford

Today, I have caught my boyfriend masturbating by himself over a dozen times since Xmas, so god knows how many times he’s done it without me knowing. I asked him about it, and it turns out a woman he went to high school with, and had a huge crush on, recently became a porn actress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 515

You deserved it 191

By familyhatesme - 18/07/2014 16:30 - United States - Kingston

Today, I was at my grandma's funeral. While giving the eulogy, I accidentally mixed up "You will be missed" and "You won't be forgotten" and instead said "You won't be missed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 535

You deserved it 7 933

By lez probs - 18/05/2013 12:54 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time when her mother unexpectedly came home. In the rush to get dressed, we accidentally put on each other's shirts. Her mom noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 555

You deserved it 21 758

By June - 05/10/2010 04:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend grabbed my love handles. It tickled, so I giggled and squirmed out of his grip. He looked at me quizzically and said, "I'm surprised you still have feeling there with all that fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 917

You deserved it 8 846

By dogggg - 14/07/2014 02:10 - India - Pune

Today, I caught my dog drinking from the toilet. After yelling at him, his apology was licking my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 751

You deserved it 9 641

Life is pain

By pussy - 21/04/2022 04:00 - United States

Today, since my family and friends always make fun of me for being a wuss when it comes to pain, when I stubbed my toe, I made a point to not scream or complain in any way. Instead, I vomited and fainted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 868

You deserved it 254

By sumhub94 - 14/05/2013 16:48 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 4-year-old, and we decided to play a game of hide and seek. Before he started to count, he looked me in the eyes and said that if I hid in his spot, he'd murder me with a knife when he grows up. I have to babysit this kid for the rest of the summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 682

You deserved it 3 925

By buggingout - 26/07/2011 10:33 - United States

Today, it's the first day of my Hawaiian honeymoon. We found out that the pool is under construction and our room is infested with roaches. We are paying $375 a night for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 166

You deserved it 4 517

Hiding something?

By Carolina - 16/08/2023 14:00

Today, my husband threw an epic tantrum about how “men are allowed to have female friends”, smashed stuff in the living room, for him to storm out and slam the door, making the house tremble. All I did was tell him that his friendship with his secretary made me uncomfortable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 945

You deserved it 226

By Anonymous - 09/07/2014 20:49 - United States

Today, my road rage got so out of hand that I'm now actually inclined to honk obnoxiously at my computer when it's being slow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 853

You deserved it 17 253

Night on the tiles

By obese_chicken - 06/11/2009 06:59 - Australia

Today, I went out to celebrate my birthday with a big group of friends. After waiting in line to get into a club, the bouncer looked me up and down and said, "No fat chicks." My friends went into the club without me and left me to take a $100 taxi home alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 090

You deserved it 8 348

Vicariously

By Cate - 05/11/2009 10:25 - Australia

Today, I've had no sleep. Why? Because my housemate has a new girlfriend and the walls are too thin. After round three of them shagging, I was exhausted from holding my breath each time the new girlfriend screamed. I also realised that was the closest I'd been to sex in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 601

You deserved it 3 415

Bon appétit, I guess

By Jenn86 - 18/08/2023 08:00 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I tried my hand at baking homemade individual apple tarts. While taking them out of the oven, I dropped the entire tray on the floor. My dog acted like it was Christmas in August and scarfed at least half of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 565

You deserved it 163

By bad in the sack - 05/07/2014 04:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She was on top, and then stopped, got off, and said, "Let's go get ice cream." I think this was her way of telling me I suck at sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 200

You deserved it 11 473

The Voice

By legit247 - 10/05/2013 04:44 - United States - Moscow Mills

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I was cleaning dishes in the back. I started to sing to myself. During the chorus I heard the echo of my voice in my ear. My boss had pushed the talk button on my headset so every staff member and everyone in the lobby could hear me over the intercom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 794

You deserved it 9 469

By Anon - 28/05/2012 05:01 - United States

Today, while at the mall, a kid no older than 5 pushed a stroller into my heel, which caught the back of my shoe and caused me to face-plant the floor in the middle of a very crowded department store. I didn't even get an apology. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 352

You deserved it 2 478

Don't be an asshole

By Anonymous - 11/03/2021 00:30

Today, the only person I know that ever traveled with me told me he doesn't enjoy the experience and thinks I'm an asshole, so I don't have a travel buddy any more. Every affordable trip requires two people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 379

You deserved it 1 144

By SquirrellyGirl - 15/07/2019 22:00

Today, my brother asked if I could babysit his kids tomorrow. I declined, as tomorrow is my birthday and I have plans. This isn't the first time he's forgotten my birthday, and I doubt it'll be the last. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 754

You deserved it 138

Rainy day

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Today, I slipped and fell in mud while running from the car to inside to avoid getting wet in a torrential downpour. I was running from the limo, in my wedding dress, to the church for my wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 056

You deserved it 7 924

By Anonymous - 20/04/2009 01:40 - United States

Today, it was pouring rain outside, I had two textbooks in my hands. I took a shortcut, and instead of running around the small pole that directed the line at the cafe, I decided to jump over it. In front of a group of guys, my foot got caught and I faceplanted with my books flying everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 389

You deserved it 47 911

Oh no, the humanity!

By clown head - 24/08/2023 21:00 - United States

Today, I came home to find my girlfriend had dyed her hair a ridiculous bright color. She knows I absolutely fucking despise brightly colored hair on women. FML

I agree, your life sucks 294

You deserved it 1 418

By whoops - 29/06/2014 20:37 - United States - Hicksville

Today, my mom told me to take out the trash. I thought it would be a good idea to Hulk-smash it into the can. I missed. The bag ripped and garbage flew everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 340

You deserved it 60 953

Sneaky

By SickofThisbs - 06/06/2022 18:00

Today, I was serving a rude and obnoxious couple at a restaurant. They made outrageous demands, then they got up and snuck out while I wasn’t looking. They were kind enough to leave a “tip” on the receipt they hadn’t paid for, saying, “Maybe if you lost weight you’d be fast enough to catch us!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 248

You deserved it 153

By Anonymous - 03/05/2013 15:00 - United States

Today, my boss fired me for acting "inappropriately" at work. I gave him a hug. He's my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 327

You deserved it 8 700

By Anonymous - 31/10/2009 23:37 - United States

Today, it was Halloween, and I was giving candy to kids. When a group of kids who looked like they were around 4 years old came up to me and said, "Hey mister, do you have one of those things that make it look like you are fat under your shirt?" I didn't have one of those, but I lied and said, "Yes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 040

You deserved it 6 544

By McKenna - 16/07/2011 04:10 - United States

Today, I was sending my boyfriend dirty texts to try and turn him on so when I see him the next day he will want to get intimate. Twenty minutes later he texts back, "ew stop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 416

You deserved it 17 930

By marcy_89 - 23/07/2019 16:01

Today, with 3 miles left of a 16-mile bike ride, I got a flat tire and had to push my bike back to my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 526

You deserved it 238

By longtriphome - 15/07/2011 02:22 - United States

Today, I met my long distance girlfriend after two years of being separated by 900 miles. She brought her short distance boyfriend to the meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 319

You deserved it 7 307

Bunch of bankers

By WTF - 30/10/2009 10:11 - United States

Today, my bank overdrafted my account to pay a bill that isn't due until next month. When I called them, they said they would fix the mistake, but I have to restore the account to zero before they'll give me my money back. So, I have to pay for my own money with the money they won't give me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 449

You deserved it 2 252

Lazy prick

By FMC fuck my credit! - 12/06/2022 10:00

Today, my now ex-boyfriend got us evicted. The lazy prick kept throwing dog poop onto the neighbors' patio instead of disposing it properly. Management told him he could either get rid of the dog or we had to go. My ex refused and slammed the door in his face. The lease is in my name, so my credit is fucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 999

You deserved it 253

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The Top

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend in the hallway of our school, and once we got to his class, I leaned in for a kiss. Surprising me, he leaned away, and I asked what was wrong. He told me he's glad we're going out, but just doesn't want anyone to know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 731

You deserved it 5 119

Today, I visited my mom because I don't see her much due to her living 30 minutes away from me. They just recently fixed their AC. A few hours before I was about to leave, it broke again. I tried to be patient but it heated up to over 80 degrees inside, and I'm really sensitive to heat. Thankfully they weren't offended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 294

You deserved it 189

Today, I fell down the stairs and broke my arm. I went into hospital to get it put in a cast, but still went into school afterwards. I got written up for truancy because I didn't have a doctor's note. The cast was still on my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 184

You deserved it 3 414

Today, I was on the phone with my friend, when my four year old nephew came in, asking who I was talking to. I told him it was Santa Claus, so he insisted on talking to him. I handed over the phone and I hear, "Santa is fake. Grow up." I spent the next two hours with a screaming child proving Santa exists. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 892

You deserved it 41 948

Today, one of my idiot classmates decided it was a good idea to throw his water bottle across the room to his friend. Unfortunately, I was sitting in front of his friend. I now have a very noticeable bruise and bump near my temple along with a headache. Everybody laughed at me. Even the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 034

You deserved it 1 695

Today, I took my lunch break to buy my mom a pretty orchid. I took it to her apartment (to which I have a key), placed it on her coffee table with her card, and went back to work, pleased with my surprise. She called me later to ask why I got her a stick in a pot of dirt. Her cat ate the orchid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 260

You deserved it 4 027