The Top

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Oddly specific

By RowerBud - 02/07/2021 08:01 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I realized I masturbate too much when I got turned on by the smell of my shampoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 340

You deserved it 960

He's a keeper

By mariana - 08/02/2014 00:18 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I decided to ask the guy I like if he'll be my Valentine. I wrote the question on a piece of paper and passed it to him, trying to be cute. He read it, wrote his answer with a smile, and passed it back. It said, "Depends, do you swallow?" No, no I don't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 714

You deserved it 10 355

Sorry sweaty, my brain is melting

By Anonymous - 03/07/2021 22:01

Today, while intoxicated, I accidentally called my girlfriend by female roommate's name. Panicked, I tried to correct myself and said my female best friend's name. My relationship with both is 100% platonic, but as a last ditch effort, completely frazzled, I said my cat's name. Now she won't stop calling me by her ex's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 375

You deserved it 1 408

By Anonymous - 27/04/2011 19:16 - United States

Today, I awoke to make-up all over my face and nail polish on my hands and feet because my daughter wanted "daddy to look pretty." I have a job interview in an hour and none of it is coming off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 554

You deserved it 5 380

What were the chances?

By stpry of my life - 27/02/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my 5 year-old niece, and she was really down in the dumps because she didn't get invited to a birthday party. To cheer her up, I took her to Chuck E Cheese. Right when we arrived, we walked in on a birthday party. It was the one that my niece got denied from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 131

You deserved it 7 022

By jai90 - 03/02/2014 21:16 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I found a Google search for "erectile dysfunction" in my browser search history, along with pages about treatments for it. I'm a woman, and I live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 275

You deserved it 3 831

By Anonymous - 23/02/2012 18:01 - United States

Today, I picked up a warm blanket that just came out of the dryer. Despite wearing pants, the static electricity from the blanket delivered a shock straight to my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 234

You deserved it 4 241

By Anonymous - 21/05/2010 00:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a pair of ankle weights for my birthday. How utterly romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 633

You deserved it 5 255

Porch piracy

By Denofthieves - 16/09/2022 16:00

Today, I received a text saying that a package had just been delivered to the house. By the time I reached the front door, it had been stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 121

You deserved it 116

By MadameM - 26/02/2009 08:17 - United States

Today, I accidentally locked my car and house keys along with my phone in my car. Then I had to break into my own house looking for the spare. Someone called the police and I had to explain that I lived there. I forgot to grab the spare when I went to talk to the police officers I locked the door behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 170

You deserved it 9 776

Cats > Babies

By Anonymous - 11/02/2020 14:00

Today, my husband loves his cat more than our new baby daughter. This morning, he spent two hours playing with the cat, yet when I handed him his flesh and blood daughter, he found an excuse to hand her back after five minutes, then five minutes after that he was playing with the cat again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 012

You deserved it 440

By kindgartin - 23/04/2011 09:26 - Canada

Today, I was listening to my son's teacher gossip about students whilst in the grocery store. I was thrilled when she described my son as "A model student". However, she then went on to say, "Which is surprising considering that his parents are trailer trash." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 651

You deserved it 8 358

Trip Advisor rating: 5 turds

By cacheson - 05/03/2020 03:02

Today, I checked into a hotel for a work trip. When I walked in, the sheets and bath mat were stained, and there was soap-encrusted hair stuck in my folded towel. When I got back later in the day, all my stuff was gone because they apparently thought I'd checked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 755

You deserved it 137

No kidding

By Anonymous - 09/07/2021 22:01

Today, I congratulated my best mate and his wife on their third pregnancy in three years. It then dawned on me that they've had sex more times in three years of marriage than I have had in six years of mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 262

You deserved it 260

Moments of wonder

By secret123 - 24/02/2009 11:01 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend were watching some show about sex on the discovery channel. The topic of female orgasms came up and she said, "Wow, I wonder what that's like?" We've been dating and sexually active for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 264

You deserved it 19 211

Neverending story

By Anonymous - 09/07/2021 11:01

Today, it's my birthday. We were supposed to be going to a nice Italian restaurant at 6.30 p.m. Instead, the whole region is going into a snap lockdown from 6 p.m., due to the recent community transmissions of Covid-19. Happy Birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 926

You deserved it 165

By asthmattack - 25/01/2013 06:30 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, I was suffering from an asthma attack, so I grabbed my inhaler and took a puff. This was probably very disturbing for the earwig which had somehow made my puffer its home, as I discovered when it shot into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 346

You deserved it 2 819

By jet8725 - 23/02/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday with my friend who has the same birthday by going out to dinner with a bunch of our friends. The waiter brought out a cake for my friend but not for me. No one noticed my exclusion. I sang happy birthday on my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 261

You deserved it 3 952

By SqueakingRetard - 17/01/2014 23:28 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I was walking home from work, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. I clambered back to my feet, made it three feet, then slipped and fell again. A guy who'd witnessed the whole thing stuck his head out of his car window and yelled "Dumbasssssss!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 339

You deserved it 6 208

By taperjeangirl - 21/02/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I was telling my mom that I was really nervous about going to the gynecologist for the first time. Her response, "Oh don't worry, it's not like it's the first time you've spread your legs!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 782

You deserved it 10 569

By Anonymous - 15/01/2014 15:05 - United States - Bellflower

Today, my sister had me kicked out of her wedding reception for, in the words of her new husband, "harshing the buzz." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 043

You deserved it 5 401

Read the TOS

By Lameartist - 12/02/2012 10:36

Today, I had just finished an elaborate charcoal drawing as part of a college application that took a good week. When I read over the requirements, I found out it needed to be done in graphite pencil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 597

You deserved it 37 946

By spinner - 01/09/2009 11:44 - United States

Today, I was at work. I'm a sign spinner. Lots of other employees shares stories of how they have been flashed by 18 year old hot chicks as they drive by. I got flashed by a 45 year old, 300lbs lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 751

You deserved it 5 470

Romance isn't dead

By Anonymous - 22/07/2021 02:01

Today, it's been six months since I gave birth, and no matter how many times we've tried, my post baby body just doesn’t arouse my husband anymore. We still love each other, but for him to get a boner these days he has to watch a few minutes of porn first then keep his eyes closed during sex so he doesn’t go soft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 174

You deserved it 216

By FrOsTy25 - 13/04/2011 22:57

Today, I ran a red light in front of a cop and got pulled over. My friend thought it would be funny to throw a knife in my lap and scream "Help me officer, he has a knife!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 796

You deserved it 7 656

Romance is dead

By Anonymous - 16/03/2010 23:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me. In my opinion, the relationship was going so well and I really thought we loved each other. When I asked why, he told me he never loved me. He just wanted to get in my pants, which after a year of refusing, he finally did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 057

You deserved it 5 919

Catwalk

By Anonymous - 18/07/2021 02:01

Today, I was trying to walk in heels. My mom then started cracking up, saying I looked like a baby giraffe learning to walk just after coming out of the womb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 835

You deserved it 238

Never enough

By badenoughflowers - 14/01/2013 15:47 - United States - Ben Wheeler

Today, my girlfriend returned home from a several week vacation with family. Instead of a happy reunion, I was terribly emasculated, publicly, for bringing flowers that "weren't as pretty as all the other couples' in baggage claim." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 780

You deserved it 3 604

Constructive criticism

By Anonymous - 26/03/2020 08:02

Today, I had just finished a really intense workout in my garage gym. It was chilly outside, but I crossed the road home in my shorts, as I was still pretty hot and sweaty. A woman walked by and asked, "Aren't you cold, you skinny little whore?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 080

You deserved it 283

Stop the steal

By Anonymous - 21/07/2021 16:01

Today, my son admitted to maxing out my credit card, gambling on a some scam website that a dumbass streamer was promoting. He's only 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 091

You deserved it 428

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The Top

Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 152 231

You deserved it 8 686

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend throwing my birth control box at me and shouting that I was a slut for cheating on him since we never had sex. I attempted to explain the birth control was for a condition I have that causes my period to be non-existent. He didn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 469

You deserved it 7 358

Random

Today, my friend was complaining to me that she's gained 20 pounds and it's all gone to her butt and boobs. Meanwhile, I've also gained 20 pounds, and it's gone straight to my stomach. She looks better than she did before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 036

You deserved it 737

Today, I made a Facebook post about my upcoming driving test. My grandpa said he knew I would succeed, prompting my idiot boyfriend to reply "For sure, she really knows how to suck seed ;)" followed by him liking his own comment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 561

You deserved it 4 865

Today, while at the beach, my little brother's hat blew off. I chased after it before I completely lost sight and realized I was no match for the wind. I get back and he's wearing the hat. I chased a fucking trash bag for a mile thinking it was his hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 096

You deserved it 11 112

Today, I went to a store to buy pants for a new job. A really hot guy helped me get a pair down from a high shelf so I could try them on. He had flirted with me so I hurried in the fitting room so I could go talk to him. Note to self: Check to see if you have pants on after trying on clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 011

You deserved it 54 032

Today, it became apparent that my new boyfriend has the mental process where unless you give him specific instructions, he can’t do anything right. Such as when asking him to let the dog out, it won’t occur to him to let the dog back in until I get home. By then the dog had destroyed the garden out of boredom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 907

You deserved it 266

Today, I was in a video call with my boss when my Wi-Fi decided to take a vacation. I thought I could salvage the situation by using my iPhone’s hotspot. But then my phone ran out of data mid-sentence, and my boss got a glimpse of me cursing at my phone while frantically waving it in the air. FML

I agree, your life sucks 353

You deserved it 119