Today, I went to a store to buy pants for a new job. A really... - FML

By sweet92 - 15/5/2009 04:32 - United States

Today, I went to a store to buy pants for a new job. A really hot guy helped me get a pair down from a high shelf so I could try them on. He had flirted with me so I hurried in the fitting room so I could go talk to him. Note to self: Check to see if you have pants on after trying on clothes. FML

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Proactive

Social distancing gone wrong

NRA fanboy

By goodbye cruel world - 23/2/2014 19:00 - United States - Salisbury

Today, I've been forced to start packing to go on a vacation with my parents, because they say I've been studying too hard and need a break. I've hardly studied at all and was planning on making up for it all in the time I had left before finals. I'm screwed. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2017 12:00

Today, I used a blanket outside for a picnic. Later, while throwing it in the washer, I noticed a lizard jump out to land inbetween the bowl and the side. Then I noticed a wasp had joined it. I'm scared to open my washer now. FML

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By superdrinkingbud - 23/6/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, after having diarrhoea all week, my girlfriend dragged me to London. Expecting to not be able to find a toilet, I decided to fast for the day. We spent 3 hours wandering the food stalls of Camden market with her friends. So many free samples I had to refuse… FML

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By Kassiopia - 14/11/2009 12:35 - United States

Today, my Dad decided to take his medicine before eating. He passed out with his face in a plate of chocolate cake. He wasn't responsive so I called the paramedics. When he got to the hospital, the doctor asked him if he knew why he was there. He replied, "Because my stupid daughter over reacted." FML

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By womboman - 30/7/2011 20:02 - United States

Today, it started pouring while I was in the middle of a pizza delivery. I had to stand out in the rain for ten minutes while an old redneck dude wearing nothing but camo boxers fumbled around for the exact change to pay the bill. I think seeing his junk was supposed to count as my tip. FML

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By therewasnocurtain - 6/4/2015 20:07 - United States - Lewiston

Today, I visited my sick grandpa for a few hours in the hospital. His roommate, also an elderly man, wouldn't stop masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2018 10:30 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I woke up from surgery to find that the chronic warts on my right hand hadn't been removed. The doctor informed me that they'd grown into my radial nerve, so impossible to remove without permanent paralysis. My immune system sucks, so this is just in my hand forever. FML

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By caught out - 26/4/2014 23:29 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to take an urgent dump at work. I noticed too late there was no toilet paper left, so I had to risk doing a quick "pants around the knees" shuffle to the next stall. I locked eyes with the window cleaner at the same time I heard someone enter from behind me. FML

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By Pottymouth - 25/7/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, I was having really bad diarrhea. I sat down on the toilet and heard a plop, thinking it was just me going to the bathroom. After I was finished, I look in the toilet to see my iPhone sitting in a pool of diarrhea. FML

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By nerd - 18/6/2009 14:15 - Finland

Today, I was driving in my car when out of the corner of my eye I notice a car pulling up next to me trying to get past me. I speed up, so as not to let the car pass me. It took me a while before I noticed I was racing against the shadow of my own car. FML

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By dumped - 10/3/2011 21:42 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend haltingly dumped me over the phone. Faint splashes punctuated her grunting, straining sounds. FML

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By Dani - 12/1/2010 21:51 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car and called AAA. He got out to take a look at my car, and he locked himself out of his own car with his tools inside. It took us 40 minutes with a screwdriver and stick to unlock his car and 40 seconds to unlock mine after. 9 hours later, I found my extra key. FML

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By me - 30/4/2011 04:25 - United States

Today, I was sword fighting in a play when I accidentally hit the other person in the head. He called me a bitch and stormed off stage, leaving me alone with an audience of 50. FML

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By anonymous - 29/6/2010 02:21 - United States

Today, a cute thirty-ish chick walked into the bar I work in. I asked her for her license to make her feel young. She didn't have her license on her and started yelling about how stupid it was to even ask, when she obviously was old enough to drink. She then got up and left. FML

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By Thatguynoonelikes - 29/9/2015 13:21 - United States - Mansfield

Today, I was babysitting a couple of kids. I'd spent time with them before, so I brought my video game console to play with them. I forgot to take it home with me. They soon sold it to another kid for $10. FML

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By stressedandcrowded - 5/2/2011 16:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my sister is going to spend the last two months of her pregancy in my house to be with my mother. She's bringing with her her three wild children. The visit also happens to coincide with my end of year examinations in May and June. FML

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By professorsdaughter - 19/6/2014 05:28 - United States - Spokane

Today, my boyfriend once again cancelled a date because he has too much homework. His professor is my dad, who's assigning astronomical amounts of homework to keep us from seeing each other. FML

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By mala_19 - 19/9/2020 14:02 - Sweden

The joy of newborn babies

Today, after I, my fiance, and the doctors tried all day to get my son to eat for more than just three minutes straight, he decided to eat for thirty minutes straight in the middle of the night when I just wanted to sleep. FML

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By secret123 - 24/2/2009 11:01 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend were watching some show about sex on the discovery channel. The topic of female orgasms came up and she said, "Wow, I wonder what that's like?" We've been dating and sexually active for three years. FML

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By hunta331 - 14/7/2019 22:00

Today, I learned just how bad jellyfish stings hurt. Multiple times. On my testicles. FML

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By Henji - 10/12/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I gave a girl I like a $200 diamond necklace to express how much she means to me. She gave me a hug and told me she didn't want to lose me as a friend. Nor did she want to lose her new necklace. Today, I got a $200 hug. FML

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By -.- - 13/4/2014 22:16 - United Kingdom - Epsom

Today, my dad found out that I'm a member on a bodybuilding forum and decided to join it too. It's only been a few hours, but he's already told everyone that he's my dad, posted that I'm a "total pussy in real life", and questioned my sexuality. Thanks. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2015 05:18 - Canada

Today, I witnessed my dad wake himself from a nap with his own fart and start panicking in confusion. I guess I shouldn't have broken down laughing, because he demanded to know what I did to him. He didn't believe the truth and bitched me out for screwing around. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2019 00:01

Today, after 4 days without being able to poop, now, while sitting stuck in traffic, I have the sudden urge to use the bathroom. FML

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By Actor - 3/9/2011 01:59 - United States

Today, I joined my school's film-making club so I could get an opportunity to act in the club president's screenplays. It turns out her idea of a tragedy is a creepy, sci-fi version of Romeo and Juliet, with elves, starring her as the perfect Mary Sue style lead character. I can't get out of this. FML

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By WTF - 14/7/2013 20:08 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, my girlfriend of six weeks dumped me when she learned that Macedonia, where I was born, is in Europe. Apparently, she thought that I was "Asian" and she doesn't want to date a "white guy." Yeah, I'm totally confused too. FML

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By Melissa Barrios - 15/7/2019 16:00

Today, my son, who has ASD, told a woman how gigantic her butt was. While trying to remind him that some things are not nice to say, he screamed that her butt is the "giantest butt ever," like it was an accomplishment. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 05:49 - United States

Today, my ex adopted a dog from the dog pound. It was the same dog he made me get rid of while we were still together. FML

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By horriblefashionsense - 26/9/2013 15:20 - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went in the diner I always pass by and ordered a sandwich. When I asked how much it was, the waitress replied, "Don't worry, honey. We give free meals to the homeless on Thursdays." I was too ashamed to deny it, so I just said thank you and left. FML

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By embarrassedhubby - 18/9/2010 03:48 - Canada

Today, when I came home from work, I saw my wife in nothing but black boots and a Santa hat. My boss and coworker were with me. I now have guys wanting to have a threesome with us. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 07:14 - United States

Today, I told my parents that I wanted a little brother. My dad apparently thought it would be funny to tell me that my mom just swallowed my little brother. FML

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By pussy - 4/5/2009 14:46 - Italy

Today, I was talking to my boss about her children. She told me she didn’t want them to develop any problems by letting them sleep with the light on. I didn’t tell her last night I slept with the light on because I’m scared of ghosts. FML

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By akasha - 6/4/2012 06:15 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, my patient had her call bell on. When I went to see what she needed, she replied that she was very itchy and could not reach to scratch the itch. I basically got called in to scratch my patient's crotch. FML

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By squishyboy - 26/5/2009 08:23 - New Zealand

Today, I weighed myself for the first time in a while and confirmed that I have put on a few pounds. I was feeling a bit down about it. I went to work and on arriving a workmate I hadn't seen in a while gave me a hug. She said, 'I love hugging you, you're so nice and squishy.' FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2011 07:13 - United States

Today, I wanted to show my teenage daughter what we did when I was her age. We used to breakdance, so I stuck on a Grandmaster Flash track, and tried some old moves on the living room floor. I spun out of control, smacked my head into a wall and pulled a back muscle. FML

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By poolboy - 14/4/2009 08:51 - United States

Today, I was working as a swim instructor for kids. Teaching them not to be afraid of the water, I put my face in the water and blew bubbles. I asked them to try it. All of them did, except for one. I went right to him and blew bubbles again. He then said to me, "but I just peed in that water." FML

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By sciencesadness - 8/2/2014 23:24 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, a robin flew into my window and died. My mom, being a biology teacher, thought it would be a great experience for my brother and me to dissect it on the kitchen table. She threatened to ground us if we didn't do it. FML

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By crap - 24/2/2014 04:01 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was walking a dog at the animal hospital where I work when it pooped out a rag-like object. I told the doctor, who told me to clean it off to see what it was. It was a rainbow-colored thong. We have to give it back to the owner when they pick their dog up. FML

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By embarrassed - 18/8/2014 16:39 - United States - Great Neck

Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I got a boner when they sang the anthem, because that's what I sing in my head when having sex with his daughter so I last longer. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2019 14:52 - United States - Hartford

Today, my girlfriend started bitching me out about how public proposals are unfair and how they pressure a girl to say yes. All I did was get on my knee to tie a loose shoelace. FML

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Top comments

By splat_fml | 0

#201076 - Friday 15 May 2009 12:11

Probably only increased your chances with that dude.

Unless your legs were hairy. Or lack knee caps. No good.

By driscoll1985 | 0

#201066 - Friday 15 May 2009 12:05

I wish I was that guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COMMENTS

By driscoll1985 | 0

#201066 - Friday 15 May 2009 12:05

I wish I was that guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply

khujo97 | 0

#884204 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 4:37

WTF!!!! how did she not know she had on pants

Reply

captaincook_fml | 1

#3705400 - Friday 9 December 2011 7:18

If only that happened to every girl I flirted with

By Gavik | 0

#201067 - Friday 15 May 2009 12:05

Epic Fail.

Reply

troyboyd05 | 0

#981678 - Monday 19 April 2010 5:21

Epic win for the guy.

By splat_fml | 0

#201076 - Friday 15 May 2009 12:11

Probably only increased your chances with that dude.

Unless your legs were hairy. Or lack knee caps. No good.

Reply

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#6306063 - Sunday 31 May 2015 2:44

How does a leg lack knee caps?

By Sanrio90 | 8

#201077 - Friday 15 May 2009 12:11

How does that happen?

By IllegalLight | 0

#201080 - Friday 15 May 2009 12:12

How is that even possible? Desperate much?

By Allord | 0

#201083 - Friday 15 May 2009 12:12

I would love a girl to hit on me sans pants. Sounds like a gateway into a lot of fun.

By grazynaanka | 0

#201088 - Friday 15 May 2009 12:15

that's awesome.

By ccrazykorean | 0

#201096 - Friday 15 May 2009 12:17

i hate stupidity. how stupid can people get? and i agree - how the hell does that even happen? maybe he wasnt flirting, btw - maybe he was being nice and courteous like a store employee should. you sound desperate.

Reply

FatNinjaCupcake | 0

#2585792 - Monday 30 May 2011 8:14

You hate stupidity? Hypocrite much? Learn how to capitalize, idiot.

By amy397123 | 0

#201098 - Friday 15 May 2009 12:19

Lol'd at 3.
I have done that before, you get so caught up and just forget, unfortunatly an old lady was waiting outside and she looked quite excied to see me.
Be lucky you had a dude.

By padlarf | 14

#201101 - Friday 15 May 2009 12:21

E P I C !