Today, I was walking home from work, when I slipped and fell... - FML

By SqueakingRetard - 17/1/2014 23:28 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I was walking home from work, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. I clambered back to my feet, made it three feet, then slipped and fell again. A guy who'd witnessed the whole thing stuck his head out of his car window and yelled "Dumbasssssss!" FML

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Tense

QAnon weirdoes

Vicious and unprovoked

By Anonymous - 26/2/2017 19:00 - United States - Shreveport

Today, while at work for a dog groomer, I picked up a new puppy that came in for a groom. I held it up at face level with me, baby talking it, when it promptly began peeing. Luckily, it didn't get on my clothes. Unluckily, it got onto my face and into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2015 18:58 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I sneezed so hard that I re-dislocated my shoulder. FML

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By 5p4571k - 25/5/2014 17:35 - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, I was cooking dinner for my children, managing for once not to screw up and hurt myself. Then, while chopping vegetables, I accidentally sliced my finger open. The same finger that was still covered in juice from a lemon I'd just squeezed. FML

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By letsloseweight - 13/7/2009 11:30 - Korea Republic of

Today, it started raining unexpectedly. My daughter and I didn't have an umbrella, so my daughter raised one of my big flabby arms and put it over her head to protect her from the rain. It worked. FML

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By karengoeswest - 16/8/2018 15:00

Today, my coworker was talking about how he's met the man of his dreams and they've been dating for 3 months. He showed me a picture of them at Niagara Falls last weekend. His new boyfriend is my husband, who was supposedly on a business trip in Boston. FML

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By ToysforHire - 22/9/2018 03:00

Today, I found out that my girlfriend secretly purchased a vibrator and has been using it for the past two weeks. When I confronted her, her only argument was "It's made me cum more times than you could." FML

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By SplishSplash - 1/9/2013 01:21 - United States

Today, we went boating with friends. For some reason the bottom of our tube deflated, causing me to be bounced roughly up and down on the water. As a result, I had the most intense orgasm of my entire life, while sitting 2 inches away from my dad's friend. He definitely noticed. FML

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By Scarlett_Pixie - 24/12/2016 09:46 - Australia - Toowoomba

Today, my partner convinced both of our little brothers that we are naming our son Obi-Wan. They now won't stop rubbing my belly and quoting Star Wars. This is going to be one long Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2013 01:03 - United States - La Grande

Today, I had to break up a fist fight between two female residents. I work in a retirement home. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2009 02:43 - United States

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend in my dorm room. My roommate came in, despite the signal I had up on the door. She didn't leave. She got on her computer and started playing Solitaire. FML

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By windsoffate - 9/6/2016 16:46 - United States - Portland

Today, as I was getting ready for work, I heard a noise almost like someone was puking all over the bathroom floor. When I went to check, my 14-year-old son was puking all over the bathroom floor. The toilet, however, was pristine. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2017 16:00 - United States - Lewistown

Today, I am sick of watching my friend's dog while she is on vacation. In four days, this dog has shredded my mattress, peed on my couches, chewed my kitchen chairs, and attacked my dog while she slept. My friend won't answer her phone, but she does update Facebook non-stop. Ten days to go. FML

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By ughreally - 20/9/2013 00:20 - United States - Sartell

Today, I went on a blind date. He showed up in a shirt that read, "I f*ck on first dates". FML

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By - 20/1/2020 20:00

I'm in a hurry

Today, I was working in my store. Right around closing, a lady came in to try some things on. I went to the back and when I came out, she was standing in the middle of the room with fluid coming from between her legs. I asked her if she was going into labor. She wasn't. She was peeing. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2012 14:35 - United Kingdom

Today, while playing badminton, I was so distracted by my ex winking at me that I didn't notice the shuttle cock that hit me in the eye. FML

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By damn you Ambien - 3/8/2016 05:48 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I woke up to an angry and threatening email from a porn company. Apparently, I took a sleeping pill last night and wrote a nasty email to the company about how they mistreat women. The best part: I used a web contact form instead of an email, so I have absolutely no idea what I wrote. FML

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By Llaurin - 24/1/2011 14:43 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband has been painting our house all weekend and plans to finish the job after work today. I decided to surprise him by completing the job myself. Painting the last window frame, I dropped the open tin of white paint, right onto our car roof. FML

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By anonymous - 10/6/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I was having a garage sale and my mother-in-law came by to see what I was selling. She decided to buy these ugly green wine glasses that were still unopened. It turns out that she gave those to my wife and I when we got married. FML

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By Non-active - 25/9/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, we got our progress reports. My physics teacher wrote that I don't participate in class. My mom got mad and grounded me before I could tell her that I raise my hand in class all the time but my teacher won't call on me cause he can't pronounce my name. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2016 13:25 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was at the mall with my mom, when I saw a little pamphlet about a charity for abused children. I showed her and said I was going to donate a few dollars. She quickly said no, calling it a waste of money and muttering that the kids probably deserved it anyway. FML

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By minnEmouse - 21/6/2011 02:40 - United States

Today, I met my husband's old high school sweetheart. My mother-in-law introduced me to her as "one of my son's friends." We've been married for over eight years. FML

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By Timmah - 31/8/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, I got written up at work for making a customer feel bad. I made him feel bad by laughing uncontrollably at him when he asked if we sold real light sabers. FML

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By Kayak - 29/12/2014 23:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I was verbally abused by a tourist because neither I nor anyone else in my country can speak "proper English". We're in England - clue's in the name, dipshit. FML

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By soldier - 6/5/2009 02:40 - United States

Today, I was running late for work. To save time, I grabbed my belt on my way out the door and was putting it on in the elevator, which stopped at the next floor before I had put my belt all the way on. A hot girl stepped into the elevator, looked at my undone belt, screamed "Ew" and got off. FML

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By dragonstooth257 - 21/6/2019 06:14

Today, I'm so bad at people skills when I got a call to set up a job interview, I weirded the lady out so much that she trailed off when talking about emailing me a time. This took 2 minutes to achieve. A new record. I still haven't got an email. FML

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By 919191 - 18/8/2014 13:26 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my two-year-old daughter's favourite word is 'No'. After leaving her with my sixteen-year-old brother, she now knows other N words as well. Niet, Nein, Non and Never. Her teenage uncle thinks it's hilarious. FML

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By biomajor - 7/2/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I was talking to a guy at the bar and I told him I was a biology major. He promptly said, "NEXT" and moved on to the girl next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2011 10:34 - United States

Today, I asked my dad what his plans for Friday were. Apparently, he's going to a concert with my step-mom all evening. It's been their plan for months. Friday is my birthday. That's been set since the day I was born. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2013 02:15 - Australia - Picton

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-fighting. I managed to pin him down and win. He saw my grin, snorted, and bitterly said I'd only won because "let's face it, you're a bit of a porker, eh babe?" FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2016 19:07 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I spent a lot of money buying a birthday gift for a close friend, only to find out I'm not even invited to the party. FML

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By LizGo - 17/11/2013 06:00 - United States - Greenville

Today, after just having used the bathroom, my ring fell in the toilet. After stealthily removing it with a toothbrush, I went to go wash it in the sink. It then fell down the drain. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2012 06:47 - United States - Spring

Today, my fiancé's grandmother kept trying to introduce him to this "simply absolutely amazing girl," who she thought "would be just the perfect date" for him. At our engagement party. FML

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By Jason - 17/4/2020 02:00 - United Kingdom - Newcastle

Empathy bypass

Today, I worked up the courage to confess my bulimia to my girlfriend of three months. It's a touchy subject for me and I ended up in tears. When I was done talking, I looked up to see my girlfriend's disgusted face. She claimed I had a 'vomit fetish', said I was 'half a man' and broke up with me. FML

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By Princess ? - 12/4/2020 14:00

Buzzing the tower

Today, I was taking a shower when my husband suddenly came in naked. I thought we were gonna have some fun, and so tried to be sexy. He took a quick shower and left. FML

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By dad, please - 16/5/2016 05:37 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, I had a mini heart attack as my dad stopped in the middle of the street and said, "I wonder what'd happen if I just dropped my pants right now and started jerking it in front of all these motherfuckers." FML

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By Klepto - 15/11/2009 17:34 - United States

Today, I sent a Facebook friend request to the guy who had the party I was at last night. I immediately realized, however, that my new profile picture is of me, smiling and holding the trophy I stole from his house. FML

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By badparent - 8/4/2013 04:26 - Australia - Southport

Today, my 16-year-old son convinced my 14-year-old daughter that she wasn't allowed to use the ladies bathroom at the shopping centre, because she wasn't wearing a dress like the girl on the sign. He told her girls in pants always used the other one. She believed him. This is my legacy. FML

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By Shoutout1011 - 15/4/2017 22:00

Today, my 6-month-old daughter decided she'd scream every time I'd answer her cries instead of her daddy. He just left for a 12-hour shift at work. Only 11 more hours to go. FML

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By letstradefamilies - 21/12/2015 21:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my relatives told me that when I stay at their house for the holidays, I'm no longer allowed to be out past 10 because somebody drugged my drink once. I'm a 25 year old man. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2016 08:25

Today, I woke up in hospital after a night of heavy drinking. My friends told me I was beat up by the doorman. After going to the club to watch the security footage, it was revealed I actually fell on my face trying to fight, and caused more damage to myself. FML

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Top comments

By NoMore_CoolNames | 14

#5830619 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:02

He caught you slippin.

By dachayke | 16

#5830624 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:03

And then his car slid into a ditch.

COMMENTS

By NoMore_CoolNames | 14

#5830619 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:02

He caught you slippin.

Reply

Shabba_13 | 13

#5830809 - Saturday 18 January 2014 7:49

Bitches be trippin

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5830843 - Saturday 18 January 2014 8:57

"I GET KNOCKED DOWN, BUT I GET UP AGAIN, YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN"

Reply

HeinrichHimmler | 9

#5830867 - Saturday 18 January 2014 10:04

She should drink less often

By arodven | 18

#5830623 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:03

The guy was an ass. Don't sweat it.

Reply

dachayke | 16

#5830644 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:07

How could she sweat when it's freezing outside?

Reply

hickdog | 6

#5830722 - Saturday 18 January 2014 6:05

ass + sweat = swass... just sayin'

Reply

EternalRest | 5

#5830734 - Saturday 18 January 2014 6:18

...just sayin' what?

Reply

extrasnipes | 22

#5830931 - Saturday 18 January 2014 13:31

no hes an asssssssssss

Reply

jsp16 | 24

#5831557 - Saturday 18 January 2014 23:25

OP's name reminded me of that squeaky voiced teen from the Simpsons. Maybe it was him :O

By dachayke | 16

#5830624 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:03

And then his car slid into a ditch.

By patchesOhoolihan | 12

#5830631 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:04

Your climbing a slipperly slope

Reply

Cadillac4427 | 8

#5830926 - Saturday 18 January 2014 13:29

well no .....he wasn't on a slope ......

Reply

CamBen42 | 29

#5831190 - Saturday 18 January 2014 18:27

You're

By x3jmac27 | 22

#5830632 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:04

Haha OP you just made my day so much better (: and be careful. Don't want to hurt your tail bone

By expectcriticism | 13

#5830639 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:06

maybe you should be more careful dumbasss

Reply

LeezaIsTheBest | 14

#5830890 - Saturday 18 January 2014 11:35

I immediately thought of Red from That 70's Show when reading this comment xD

Reply

ironmany_fml | 23

#5831461 - Saturday 18 January 2014 21:28

well op has just told us her side of the story.. maybe she was walking with high heels on and slipping or something, which is a pretty dumbass thing to do..

I mean why would the guy call her a dumbass just for falling...

we can't make any assumptions without knowing the whole thing...

By KamiyaHaine | 18

#5830646 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:07

I hope your back is ok!

Reply

Kamon97 | 23

#5830687 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:17

I hope the ice is ok :(

Reply

HeinrichHimmler | 9

#5830869 - Saturday 18 January 2014 10:06

I hope your nails are ok

By PattonGilette2 | 18

#5830647 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:07

aaa

By worldclassrager | 39

#5830661 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:10

Good Lord I hope you're okay...ice is one slippery slope to injury...

By TheRoyalBattler | 5

#5830662 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:10

As they drove off screaming; Cobra-la-la-la-la!!