Health: Today, I was walking home from work, when I slipped and fell... - FML

By SqueakingRetard - Canada - Barrie

Today, I was walking home from work, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. I clambered back to my feet, made it three feet, then slipped and fell again. A guy who'd witnessed the whole thing stuck his head out of his car window and yelled "Dumbasssssss!" FML

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Triage

Taking stock

QAnon weirdoes

By drivencrazy - United States

Today, while driving, a girl on her cellphone cut me off. A second later, another person behind me on a cellphone rear ended me. Her excuse was, "I'm sorry, you weren't there a minute ago!" FML

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By nazooer - United States

Today, I thought I was going to my doctor for a yearly check-up. My father had actually tricked me into therapy. FML

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By hell - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got called into work on my day off. I ended up being written up for being 15 minutes late to a shift I didn't even have. FML

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By NotASquirrel - United States - Bronx

Today, I was using the urinal at work when an old guy started using the one next to mine. All of a sudden, he used that Ghostbusters' line, "Cross the streams!", and tried to pee into my urinal. I had to wait 4 hours in pee-drenched shoes until my shift was over. FML

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By - United Kingdom

Today me and my boyfriend were in an adventurous sexual position and as I started to orgasm he slipped, landed awkwardly and dislocated both my hips, while I was in the middle of an orgasm. Somehow the pleasure of the orgasm made the pain worse. I don't think I'll ever want sex again. FML

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By chinatownhobo - Australia - Canberra

Today, while at a hospital, a prayer group circled me and started praying that God and the good doctors and nurses would heal me from the disease that disfigured my face. I was there to visit my sick grandmother. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I learned that "Je suis excité" does not mean "I'm excited" in French. It means "I'm sexually excited"... more or less. I've been doing a lot of exciting things and using it a lot the past two weeks. With my French friends, people I meet, and especially with my host family. FML

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By TheDumper - United States - Chandler

Today, and for the last week, I've resorted to driving myself to the nearest corner store to take my daily dump. I'm doing this because I recently moved in with my boyfriend, and I'm afraid he'll be disgusted at how often I clog the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, after failing my Ls twice in the previous weeks, I finally passed. As I got home, I went for a drive with my dad. I smashed my mums car into an old ladys fence and ended up in her backyard. FML

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By mark - United Kingdom

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a nice restaurant for our anniversary. Mid-way through the meal, a guy at the table across left for the restroom. My girlfriend reached over and swiped the guy's wallet from the table. My gonads went AWOL, and I couldn't even bring myself to call her out on it. FML

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By embaressed - United States

Today, I came home to find my drunken father sitting on our front lawn. He had a blanket, lit candle, and was singing with his eyes closed. He told me he believed he was Buddha from watching the history channel. Meanwhile, cars were driving by our house beeping, and yelling "praise the lord!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a football game. During a time out, my face appeared on the Jumbotron during the Kiss Cam segment. I was sitting next to my mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2020 11:02 - Canada - Sherbrooke

Drunken antics

Today, I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend full-on peeing into our tiny trash bin. The trash bin was basket material, so the pee was all over the floor. Once he'd finished, he went to bed, passed out and left me to clean it all up. FML

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By MikeMorin18 - United States

Today, at work I was talking to a co-worker about what a slacker my manager was, and how all she did was stand around and talk. She was standing behind me the whole time. I now have sore nuts due to a direct hit from a broom handle. FML

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By supersplatoon - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was walking down the street when someone started yelling at me, saying I was dead. I bolted, ran into a pole and when they caught up to me, said "Oh, wrong person." and walked off, leaving me bruised on the ground. FML

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By FMLFMLFMLFML - United States

Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed my lighter on my nightstand and said "I've always wanted to try that!" He put the lighter by his butt and fart into it, producing a flame. After, when he left, I sat there, naked, mortified. FML

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By Kbizz - Canada

Today, I was excited about showing everyone at work my new piercing. It's in an interesting place in my ear, and its not that common. Before I had the chance to tell anyone about it, someone asked "Are you wearing a hearing aid?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my mom that I was taking antidepressants because I hate myself. She said "That's not surprising. You hate everybody. And, you're kind of a bitch." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Temecula

Today, I came home from a relaxing, peaceful vacation. When I got home my 4-year-old son was free-balling with poop all over his body, screaming "Bob the Builder will kick your ass." The baby sitter is nowhere to be found and I can't get him to stop saying, "I love ass." FML

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By Ixi_the_pixie - United States

Today, my therapist told me, "I'm sorry, but I'm not qualified to handle your level of instability." FML

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By neelloc83 - United States

Today, I was meeting friends for dinner at an Indian restaurant. I was waiting for the group to arrive and our table to be ready. An Indian man approached me smiling, so I said "We're not ready for our table yet". Then I realized it was my friend's boyfriend who I've met several times. FML

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By WretchedOwls - United States - Barberton

Today, after weeks of my brother being laid off from work, I was able to fenagle him an interview for one of the entry level positions at my work. He got the job, only to refuse it because it doesn't pay enough. I thought 9 dollars an hour was a lot more than 0 dollars an hour. FML.

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By SingleStrongArm - Canada - Oshawa

Today, marks the third week in which my girlfriend has gone without taking a shower. She does this every so often, taking showers roughly once per month. She's convinced baby wipes will "hold her over". FML

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By evilsandwich - Canada - London

Today, after house-sitting for a week, I came home to find the house in which I rent a basement suite has all but burned to the ground. My landlord didn't even bother to tell me about the fire. FML

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By kaylajere - United States

Today, I decided to lay out and tan. I fell asleep and got sun burned and bitten numerous times by mosquitoes. If I scratch my itch, the burn hurts terribly. If I don't scratch it, it itches terribly. FML

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By Appelflap - Belgium - Sint-niklaas

Thanks

Today, I was feeling down following a recent breakup. My dad tried to comfort me by patting me on the back and saying everyone goes through ups and downs, "Like when I found out your mum and I were having a boy." I'm their only son. FML

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By no snow day - United States - Round Lake

Today, like every day, I had to walk to my bus stop. The only difference today is there was snow and ice over everything. Not only did I slip and fall, soaking both myself and the contents of my bag, the bus driver saw me there at the bus stop and drove straight past. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I swapped a shift so I didn't have to work on new year's eve. An hour later I realized I didn't have anyone to spend it with. I swapped it back. I'll be ringing in the new year with my boss. FML

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By LostSoul

Today, I arrived at the doctor's to schedule surgery to find out my insurance got canceled again. I only just got it reinstated after the last time they screwed up and canceled it. It took me 6 months to get it fixed. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I went to lunch with my sister. As the waitress was bringing our food, she dropped it on the floor. She apologized and brought us new food. After we finished eating and I looked at the bill, I noticed she'd charged us twice. FML

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By screwed - Australia - Perth

Today, as a last resort for my back problems, I tried acupuncture. After the needles were placed and the doctor had left, I couldn't move for 30 minutes. I had a panic attack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Oswego

Today, at my annual checkup, the doc looks down at my foot and says, "Oh, you have an extra toenail. 6, huh?" Then sort of scraping at the side of my foot below the pinky toe, he pulls off a long piece of dead, dried skin and says, "Oh." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 07:30 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Golden child

Today, I found out my junkie brother broke into my home, and stole mine AND my children's belongings whilst we were on holiday. I rang my mother to vent, only for her to blatantly defend him and insist I got it wrong. We caught him on camera, and now I'm being scolded for even thinking he would do such a thing. FML

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By Dez Johnson - 7/3/2021 11:01

New or used?

Today, I discovered that my old roommate had left a full bag of cat litter on my porch and all over my yard. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2020 23:01 - United States - Waldwick

Facebook Science

Today, I was going to hang out with my crush and tell him how I felt, but he cancelled because I had COVID 5 months ago and his mom is afraid I’m contagious. I’m safer to hang out with because I now have antibodies and can’t transmit it. I’ve also had 4 negative tests since then. FML

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By Hlaalette - Belgium

Today, I managed to throw my back out by blowing my nose. FML

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By glittercat - United States

Today, I heard my mom moan in the other room. FML

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By pocahontas - United States

Today, one of my coworkers called to remind me about the annual costume day at work this morning. I dressed as Pocahontas. There is no annual costume day. I was fired for dressing inappropriately in front of customers. FML

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By BadDad - United States - San Diego

Today, I was summoned to the bathroom by my three-year-old, who still needs help cleaning up sometimes. When I walked in, he looked so happy and proud as he pointed to the trash can saying, "Look at my big poop!". Buying a new trash can tomorrow. FML

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By Andrea - 4/1/2021 16:59

Misinformation

Today, my brother-in-law declared he does not want to be vaccinated against Covid, because his friend, who is a nurse, told him it could make him impotent. Can please someone remove her from the health system? FML

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Top comments

By NoMore_CoolNames | 14

#5830619 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:02

He caught you slippin.

By dachayke | 16

#5830624 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:03

And then his car slid into a ditch.

COMMENTS

By NoMore_CoolNames | 14

#5830619 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:02

He caught you slippin.

Reply

Shabba_13 | 13

#5830809 - Saturday 18 January 2014 7:49

Bitches be trippin

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5830843 - Saturday 18 January 2014 8:57

"I GET KNOCKED DOWN, BUT I GET UP AGAIN, YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN"

Reply

HeinrichHimmler | 9

#5830867 - Saturday 18 January 2014 10:04

She should drink less often

By arodven | 18

#5830623 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:03

The guy was an ass. Don't sweat it.

Reply

dachayke | 16

#5830644 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:07

How could she sweat when it's freezing outside?

Reply

hickdog | 6

#5830722 - Saturday 18 January 2014 6:05

ass + sweat = swass... just sayin'

Reply

EternalRest | 5

#5830734 - Saturday 18 January 2014 6:18

...just sayin' what?

Reply

extrasnipes | 22

#5830931 - Saturday 18 January 2014 13:31

no hes an asssssssssss

Reply

jsp16 | 24

#5831557 - Saturday 18 January 2014 23:25

OP's name reminded me of that squeaky voiced teen from the Simpsons. Maybe it was him :O

By dachayke | 16

#5830624 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:03

And then his car slid into a ditch.

By patchesOhoolihan | 12

#5830631 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:04

Your climbing a slipperly slope

Reply

Cadillac4427 | 8

#5830926 - Saturday 18 January 2014 13:29

well no .....he wasn't on a slope ......

Reply

Jared900DUmpling | 30

#5831190 - Saturday 18 January 2014 18:27

You're

By x3jmac27 | 22

#5830632 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:04

Haha OP you just made my day so much better (: and be careful. Don't want to hurt your tail bone

By expectcriticism | 13

#5830639 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:06

maybe you should be more careful dumbasss

Reply

LeezaIsTheBest | 14

#5830890 - Saturday 18 January 2014 11:35

I immediately thought of Red from That 70's Show when reading this comment xD

Reply

ironmany_fml | 23

#5831461 - Saturday 18 January 2014 21:28

well op has just told us her side of the story.. maybe she was walking with high heels on and slipping or something, which is a pretty dumbass thing to do..

I mean why would the guy call her a dumbass just for falling...

we can't make any assumptions without knowing the whole thing...

By KamiyaHaine | 18

#5830646 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:07

I hope your back is ok!

Reply

Kamon97 | 23

#5830687 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:17

I hope the ice is ok :(

Reply

HeinrichHimmler | 9

#5830869 - Saturday 18 January 2014 10:06

I hope your nails are ok

By PattonGilette2 | 18

#5830647 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:07

aaa

By worldclassrager | 39

#5830661 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:10

Good Lord I hope you're okay...ice is one slippery slope to injury...

By TheRoyalBattler | 5

#5830662 - Saturday 18 January 2014 5:10

As they drove off screaming; Cobra-la-la-la-la!!