Miscellaneous: Today, I picked up a warm blanket that just came out of the dryer....

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I picked up a warm blanket that just came out of the dryer. Despite wearing pants, the static electricity from the blanket delivered a shock straight to my crotch. FML

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Miscellaneous

BO Central

Dementia or hate? You decide

Overreact much?!

By not4geeks - United States

Today, I went out on a first date with a cute guy. Turns out we won't be going on a date again because I didn't know the difference between "Star Wars" and "Star Trek." FML

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By Snoodist

Today, as usual, I got home to find that my roommate had eaten all my groceries and left a mess behind for me to clean. To be fair, this time she did some cleaning - she "energy cleansed" my room with a sage wand, burning a huge hole in my mattress in the process. FML

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1968

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2020 23:04

Poker Face

Today, I have to get a thyroid ultrasound. I'm a 25 year-old cancer survivor; it took amputating my left leg to beat the last one. My doctor has dealt with my hypochondria for years, long enough to know his face when I should be worried. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Antioch

Today, I overheard my mom complaining to her friends about her uncontrollable queefing problem. Excuse me while I find a therapist. FML

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By Will this stupid fad ever end? - United States

Today, instead of actually teaching us something, our college professor excitedly showed us the godawful Harlem Shake video he made with his friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Randallstown

Today, I was randomly selected for a pat-down while at the airport. Being from the south, I said thanks out of pure habit. The guy replied, "No sir, thank YOU." and winked. FML

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By Beard

Today, I shaved my beard that I wanted to grow for winter, into a goatee for a Skype interview. On the day, the interviewer only used audio. FML

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By NoFightResponse - United States

Today, I parked my car on the street late at night, when I was distracted by a text message. Some guy then gets in my passenger side. Panicked, thinking I was being robbed, I bolt out of my car bruising my head and dropping my phone onto the pavement. The guy meant to get in the car behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was diagnosed with a clogged milk gland. I am not, nor have ever been, pregnant and therefore have also never breastfed. This condition is caused by my boyfriend's over-active urge to suck on my nipples. I'm in horrible pain, and he won't stop laughing. FML

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By ToysforHire

Today, I found out that my girlfriend secretly purchased a vibrator and has been using it for the past two weeks. When I confronted her, her only argument was "It's made me cum more times than you could." FML

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By whattalife - United States

Today, out of sheer boredom, I took a career personality test. The "best match" for me was the position of funeral director. Not only do I have a promising future with death, I got genuinely excited at how accurate the result was. FML

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By emogurl - United States

Today, I returned from a month-long stay in a psych ward for severe depression and suicide attempts. The first words my friends say to me when I call them and let them know I'm out? "Does this mean you're not gonna be so emo? 'cause that was really annoying." FML

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By asdfas - United States

Today, I was at work and my mother texted me. The text read, "You take a nice picture." To which I responded, "what picture?" I then got a reply saying, "The one on your speeding ticket showing you going 73 in a 55 mph zone. You are even smiling." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Floral Park

Today, my self-described "genius" cousin came to the conclusion that cooking the turkey in the oven for 8 hours would take too long, so he doubled the temperature to have it done in half the time. The fire department had to come to put out the fireball that was once my butterball. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in Burger King, I was leaning against the railing looking at the menu. I saw an old man using the rail to walk, so I got out of the way. He ran his hand across my back and said "You're so cute, I'd like to take you home and lock you in my basement naked so you can't leave" and walked out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bessemer

Today, after holing myself up in my room for the day, I eventually turned my phone back on and told my girlfriend that my grandma passed away today. She replied, "Ask me if I fucking care," then accused me of not caring about our relationship because I went offline all day. FML

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By AbFlab - United States

Today, I've been dieting and working out trying to work towards some solid abs because I know my girlfriend digs that stuff. I've been miserable trying to achieve this goal, plus to make things even better while kissing today she grabbed my stomach and said "I just love your abs of... flab." FML

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34711

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By oldmama728

Today, I once again told my son he needed a job and a girlfriend because I simply could not keep him in my house anymore. He yelled, "No, I can do whatever I want!" Then went back to playing video games. He's 38. FML

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By 11niko - United States

Today, I tried to treat a cut on my butt hole with Neosporin. I couldn't see it properly, so I had to use the front-facing camera on my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 23:01

Let's go girls!

Today, someone said that women shouldn’t hate their menstrual cycles, because the hormonal changes were so "interesting". Sure, that’s the word I’d use for alternating between cramps and zits, being an insatiable nymphomaniac, and being so depressed I want to die. FML

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1518

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By drama king? - United States - Bolivar

Today, I had a friend "dump" me over Facebook. She apparently thought we were dating. I'm a gay man who's lived with his partner for 5 years. She says I have commitment issues. FML

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By Anna - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, I got lost at Best Buy. Meanwhile, my mom freaked out, and they called out my name over the intercom. When I walked up to the desk and they saw I was 17, the employees burst out laughing. FML

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By sleepless

Today, it's the third day that I can't sleep. Somewhere in my room, there's a mosquito craving for my blood, and every time I'm about to fall asleep, I can hear it flying around. I'm covered in bites, even in places that barely see the daylight. FML

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1749

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By peepee. - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go to the bathroom. He said "Okay baby, go drop your load." He also used the same voice as when he talks to his cat. FML

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By outofluckatcollege - United States - Lewisville

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. It wouldn't be so bad if we weren't stuck rooming together for the rest of a semester that hasn't even started yet. FML

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By used - 2/11/2020 20:08 - Japan - Kobe

Used

Today, I noticed that my girlfriend only texts me when she needs help with her homework. FML

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913

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By GreenMonstR - United States

Today, I was at the store with my wife. As we were walking out, I helped an elderly woman get through the door. As I was opening the door, my foot got stuck on the door and my face was catapulted into the woman's breasts. It wasn't until we got into the car that my wife burst into hysterics. FML

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50146

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By doggybag - Canada

Today, I was walking my dogs. I had a doggy bag, and was holding it closed, then breathing in it, so it would blow up. My dogs 'went', so I picked it up and kept walking. As I was heading home, I absent-mindedly started blowing into the bag again. Everything ended up in my mouth and on my face. FML

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By GodDaughter - United States

Today, I was locked out of my house so I texted my cousin to come over and help me get in. She came over, stood on a chair and lifted me through the smallest unlocked window possible. Sadly, this was my bathroom window and I ended up head-first into my toilet. FML

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By Shit - United States - San Francisco

Today, while meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time, her dad made a big show of cleaning his rifle, before loading it, taking aim, and blowing the hell out of a hornet's nest at the back of the yard. I fear for my life. FML

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48538

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By RainbowSuck - Canada

Today, after passing various interviews and tests, I was given a great job pending a pre-employment medical test. Now I'm jobless and colorblind. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 05:05

Life decisions

Today, I decided to break up with my girlfriend after I got home and realised I was happier sat in my car on the street than I would be if I went inside and had to put up with her whining and her 2 spoiled daughters for even one more day. So now I’m happy, but also homeless. FML

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By anonymous_0505 - Russian Federation

Today, my boyfriend ditched me, saying he had some important things to do. When I checked on him a while later, I found out what was so "important". A game called Robot Unicorn Attack. FML

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29755

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By Anonymous - United States - Stevenson Ranch

Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes

Today, after pranking my roommate several times by putting lube in his hand sanitizer bottle, he got me back by putting sanitizer in my lube. FML

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3741

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad bought a one hundred dollar collectible light-saber. He plays with it. In the front yard. With sound effects. FML

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37703

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By poked - United States

Today, my father who left my family over 10 years ago and never contacted us or paid child support, poked me on Facebook. FML

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63806

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By CelibateHero - United States - Notre Dame

Today, as I was walking home, a car drove through a puddle and splashed me like in a cheesy movie. As if that wasn't annoying enough, the driver had to pull over because she was laughing too hard. FML

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By ManInPain - United States

Today, I was walking down the street to go to the movies, when I got punched in the back of the head. When I turned around, a stranger said, "HAHA! It's punch a random person day!" When I asked him why he chose me, he replied "You're ugly." FML

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42037

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By mallyboo - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I discovered that you should always check the litter box before vacuuming stray litter outside of it after my cat burst out from the box mid-piss and skittered around the house still pissing after I put the vacuum hose behind the box. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding in my friend's car. We passed by a group of cute guys standing by the curb with their skateboards so we slowed down to whistle at them. We then noticed the ambulance taking their friend away on a stretcher. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#4079435 - Thursday 23 February 2012 23:24

Obviously the universe thought your sex life was dead, so it was trying a little CPR/defibrillation.

"Shit, we lost him! Charge to 300! CLEAR!!" *ZAP*

By fernclogger | 5

#4079433 - Thursday 23 February 2012 23:24

Did it turn you on?

COMMENTS

By Llamacod | 11

#4079422 - Thursday 23 February 2012 23:22

That sounds electrifyingly fun.

Llamacod | 11

#4079432 - Thursday 23 February 2012 23:23

Wow, I was 1st

By choshaki | 8

#4079427 - Thursday 23 February 2012 23:22

Ouch! Hopefully it didn't do too much damage

Pentium_4 | 26

#4079449 - Thursday 23 February 2012 23:26

only casualties would be a few innocent sperm, assuming OP is a guy

ThisIsMyReign | 4

#4079640 - Friday 24 February 2012 0:36

Is it blanket on the dick? OPERATION!

NiiTeH | 7

#4079647 - Friday 24 February 2012 0:38

OMG! I hope his pants are okay.

blackheart24 | 10

#4079673 - Friday 24 February 2012 0:44

47- haha your temple run pic is awesome, btw my high score is unbeatable.

Sucks for OP. His children are all gonna have twitching issues lol.

FUGYU | 2

#4079699 - Friday 24 February 2012 0:51

Free vibrator! :))

tdawg4200 | 0

#4079907 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:30

Hey #2, just how much damage do you think a static shock from a blanket can give?

choshaki | 8

#4079928 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:34

Hey number 70, it was sarcasm.

taco_bender | 12

#4080016 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:49

Hmmm shocking.

drewfus2 | 6

#4080219 - Friday 24 February 2012 2:45

Dryer sheets, bitch!

qwertsarecool122 | 23

#4080234 - Friday 24 February 2012 2:48

I thought that warm blankets were suppose to make you feel warm in side. Shocking.

shanemaximo | 7

#4080276 - Friday 24 February 2012 2:59

You know if your crotch was traveling at precisely 84 miles per hour at the exact time of the shock it would go BACK TO THE FUTURE!!!

draegbomb | 5

#4080439 - Friday 24 February 2012 3:50

Hopefully it didn't kill his last brain cell

AmongstTheFaces | 5

#4080449 - Friday 24 February 2012 3:53

What the fuck does his brain have to do with his crotch?!?! It's his manhood that is the issue. (assuming it is a guy)

magic103 | 2

#4080763 - Friday 24 February 2012 6:32

It's acually 88 m/h not 84 oh and you need a fluks capasiter every one knows that duh

flipfloperson | 5

#4080871 - Friday 24 February 2012 8:15

I'm not sure if they used a fluks capasiter, but they did use a flux capacitor.

bmboente15 | 0

#4083314 - Friday 24 February 2012 23:07

Maybe some people find your crotch quite shocking. Ba-dum-bum

By lrgenesis | 19

#4079429 - Thursday 23 February 2012 23:22

Electric personality OP!

krazykat794 | 0

#4079745 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:05

What does OP mean?

aleclikestacos | 8

#4079759 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:09

Ovulating penis^

bizarre_ftw | 21

#4079971 - Friday 24 February 2012 1:41

Omnipresent Pentagram

btnhdude | 0

#4080190 - Friday 24 February 2012 2:33

Oblivious Person.

Swiftly | 0

#4080197 - Friday 24 February 2012 2:34

Orgasmic Potato

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#4080667 - Friday 24 February 2012 5:21

Otter Pudding, don't believe these liars

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#4080720 - Friday 24 February 2012 6:02

It means Othoscopic Platypus obviously.

sr101998 | 0

#4080764 - Friday 24 February 2012 6:33

It means original person

StromyG2 | 10

#4081641 - Friday 24 February 2012 15:07

Obliterated Pussy (you know, because of the electrocution)

lrgenesis | 19

#4088515 - Saturday 25 February 2012 20:21

I love FML so much... It actually stands for Ornery Plainstrider, like the ones in WoW

jonmansheppard | 9

#4094140 - Monday 27 February 2012 3:24

Orgy Party

By fernclogger | 5

#4079433 - Thursday 23 February 2012 23:24

Did it turn you on?

brianjman14 | 22

#4079515 - Thursday 23 February 2012 23:46

I thought you were me for a second.

Llamacod | 11

#4079632 - Friday 24 February 2012 0:33

No, he has different goofy ass hair

That0therguy | 4

#4083004 - Friday 24 February 2012 20:53

Suddenly, Frank found a new way of masturbation.

dudeman1212 | 22

#4084484 - Saturday 25 February 2012 5:18

42- What's so goofy about his ass hair? :D

By DocBastard | 38

#4079435 - Thursday 23 February 2012 23:24

Obviously the universe thought your sex life was dead, so it was trying a little CPR/defibrillation.

"Shit, we lost him! Charge to 300! CLEAR!!" *ZAP*

The_Hitdude | 12

#4079521 - Thursday 23 February 2012 23:46

Did you get anything?
No, he's still limp! Wait...
*OP tries to flirt with girl....*
We've got a pulse!
*OP gets slapped*
Oh nevermind...time of death; 3:05.