Miscellaneous: Today, I ran a red light in front of a cop and got pulled over....

By FrOsTy25 - 13/04/2011 22:57

Today, I ran a red light in front of a cop and got pulled over. My friend thought it would be funny to throw a knife in my lap and scream "Help me officer, he has a knife!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 689

You deserved it 7 626

Miscellaneous

Dementia or hate? You decide

Consolation prize

Red flag

By M. Night Shytefuck - 20/01/2015 22:52 - United States - Plattsmouth

Today, I handed my boss my 2 weeks' notice. 20 minutes later, I was doing my work alone in the very cold basement of the building. My boss claimed it was a routine relocation planned months in advance. It's going to be a long 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 328

You deserved it 2 787

By patate - 02/05/2017 20:00

Today, I was yelled at and almost fired for showing up "late" to work. I was the first one here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 737

You deserved it 317

By smellsfunnyinfrance - 21/08/2016 16:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to ask my sister if she'd shit her pants because the smell of poop was following us around Paris. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I had to ask an eighteen-year-old, or that she said yes and didn't do anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 700

You deserved it 1 179

Breeders

By Anonymous - 22/11/2021 22:59 - United States - Spokane

Today, I'm closing on a house with my boyfriend of 9 years at the end of this week. We have plans to be engaged. When discussing what rooms would be what, he mentioned how one could be a nursery. I told him 9 years ago, and several other times, that I didn't want kids. Turns out he's been waiting for me to change my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 784

You deserved it 393

By Anonymous - 24/05/2018 19:00

Today, after submitting a 500-word essay to a writing contest, I found out that I lost to someone who wrote 3 sentences. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 905

You deserved it 480

By Anonymous - 30/09/2009 05:17 - Malaysia

Today, we ran out of milk and my 4 year old son came up to me and asked if he can "milk" my wife's breasts for his cereals. Apparently, he thinks my wife doesn't love him and his sister is selfish for not sharing her milk. His sister is only one month old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 014

You deserved it 4 224

By ven980 - 01/06/2011 21:21 - United States

Today, I had to blow up an air mattress using only my lungs. After nearly passing out from lack of oxygen, I realized there was a hole in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 815

You deserved it 29 469

Thanks, I hate it

By Candy_Crushed - 08/09/2017 22:30 - United States - Mims

Today, after nearly three years of no contact whatsoever, I received a Facebook notification from my father. Eager to see what he said, I pulled it up only to see a game request. He had run out of lives on Candy Crush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 244

You deserved it 319

Locked out

By blank - 21/01/2013 21:55 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left for basic training. I went to say goodbye to her at the airport. Only after I walked back to my car did I realize that she still had the keys. My extra set was back at the house, locked in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 480

You deserved it 6 367

By shook - 06/09/2017 14:00 - United States - Clermont

Today, I crashed into a pole on purpose as a cop pulled me over for speeding. I figured the officer would feel bad for me and that the cost of fixing my car would be less than a ticket. He gave me one anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 066

You deserved it 11 722

By ShockBait - 22/08/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, it was my next-door neighbor's birthday. Over the past year, his pitbull has attacked my stepdad several times and put some stiches on me. Lucky for us, the dog was finally put down. For his birthday my neighbor got a new, bigger, pitbull. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 574

You deserved it 5 975

By poongoon - 13/07/2016 04:11

Today, while at the supermarket, I came back to one of my car windows smashed in. Apparently, the stuffed animal my son left in the back seat looks like a dehydrated dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 960

You deserved it 831

By deadman - 09/07/2012 18:25 - United Kingdom - Market Harborough

Today, I'm having heart surgery. The doc came in, donut in one hand and papers in another. While I was filling them out, his hands kept trembling, and he dropped the donut on the floor. He fumbled to pick it up and kept eating. The guy I'm entrusting my life to doesn't even respect the five-second rule. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 307

You deserved it 2 463

By imblue42 - 24/06/2015 05:16 - United States

Today, I walked into the dining room to find my mom popping pimples on my dad's back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 188

You deserved it 3 682

By Anonymous - 19/10/2013 20:55 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my brother sent me an image by Skype, saying I really had to see it. I figured it was some kind of stupid joke, but I tried to look anyway. It wouldn't open. Turns out he thought he could just rename the ".exe" on a virus to ".jpg" and it would still run. My brother's a cretin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 439

You deserved it 3 960

By Anonymous - 04/11/2009 19:02 - Germany

Today, I was at the McDonalds drive-thru getting my morning coffee, when some guy slammed into the back of my car. I'm so happy I was holding the cup between my legs at that very moment, because now I have 2nd degree burns on my lady parts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 410

You deserved it 7 291

By Anonymous - 23/03/2017 22:00

Today, my parents met my boyfriend for the first time. They spent the entire meal trying to convince him to dump me, all while I was sitting right next to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 520

You deserved it 371

Thermoregulation wars

By NoCirculation - 24/11/2020 14:03 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, my boyfriend is wearing a t-shirt and shorts. I'm wearing leggings, sweatpants, a vest, t-shirt, jumper and hoodie. If we turn the heating any higher, he starts overheating and sweating. At the current level, I'm still shivering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 884

You deserved it 263

By Anonymous - 25/05/2012 17:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I replaced my car's windscreen wipers, after someone stole the last pair. After I finished, I went indoors for a drink. When I returned, the new ones had been stolen too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 512

You deserved it 2 224

By FD4 - 15/09/2018 14:30

Today, my girlfriend's parents asked if I could move their car. I started the engine and began to accelerate, not noticing that the automatic transmission was on R. I drove right into a wall behind me, shattering the rear lights. Now I owe them $150 for repairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 279

You deserved it 3 109

By solomantis - 30/07/2009 05:46 - Norway

Today, I was trying to wiggle my boxer shorts off to get it on with my girlfriend when my knee hooked on the elastic band. I was anxious to get started, so I used force and ended up kneeing my girlfriend in the crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 895

You deserved it 50 243

Our house, in the middle of our lockdown!

By cfails - 02/04/2020 14:00

Today, I found out the house I want to buy is being re-listed, because I can't have an open house to get people to see and buy my current house, because no one can go out in the this fucking quarantine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 633

You deserved it 175

By ronboy - 26/11/2012 23:11 - United States - Columbus

Today, I decided to be responsible and call a cab to take my drunk ass home from the bar. As I climbed into the cab, I was quickly pulled back out and had the shit beaten out of me by a group of drunk guys who thought they needed the ride more. The police soon arrived and arrested us all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 658

You deserved it 2 794

By Lentil - 31/01/2012 13:13 - Australia

Today, I went over to my neighbours' to politely complain about their dog, which had been barking non-stop for hours. This issue has been going on for months, and I finally decided today, of all days, was the day to resolve it. When I got there, they'd just got home from giving birth at the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 241

You deserved it 3 909

By LuckySperm - 12/08/2011 13:14 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad told me that after my two older siblings were born, he got a vasectomy. However, something went wrong, and the vasectomy had failed, resulting in me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 333

You deserved it 3 111

By Anonymous - 03/12/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, my parents invited all their kids and grandkids to join them on a vacation trip to the mountains; all their kids except me, that is. I'm not invited. But they did invite my ex-husband. And his new girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 447

You deserved it 3 368

By anonymous - 03/12/2009 06:55 - United States

Today, I found out that me and my best friend are both pregnant. We live together, and both had one night stands with the same guy. Now we are going to be each raising his children in the same house while he has decided to "not get involved" and move to a different state. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 725

You deserved it 82 542

By fmylife - 26/08/2010 10:09 - Malaysia

Today, I downloaded porn and saved it on my desktop. After watching it, I couldn't delete it, and now it is stuck on the desktop. It is a shared computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 854

You deserved it 68 800

By Savannah - 01/08/2011 21:20 - United States

Today, my dad confessed that the only reason I'm alive today is because he couldn't afford to pay for an abortion. He couldn't afford it because he'd splashed out on brand new furniture at IKEA shortly before discovering my mom was pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 007

You deserved it 2 919

By John - 24/06/2011 07:17 - United States

Today, I had my anus probed twice by two different doctors. I was diagnosed with hemorrhoids. I'm a 22 year old guy and have to schedule a colonoscopy for next week. I guess there's a first time for everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 044

You deserved it 3 414

I'm totally wired, can't you see?

By Anonymous - 03/11/2021 20:00

Today, because of my new job, I'm so tired I can’t think straight anymore. Long hours to make a sterling first impression? Nope. I haven’t even started working yet, I’m just exhausted because it all stresses me to the point I can’t sleep at night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 679

You deserved it 223

By HoboWithACondom - 31/08/2019 16:01

Today, my boss fired me because he found out I'm dating his daughter. Now I'm concerned what he might do if he finds out she's pregnant with my child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 600

You deserved it 717

By blank - 21/07/2010 13:52 - United States

Today, I came home to my boyfriend wearing one of my pads on his hand, because he didn't want to pay to go to the hospital for stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 295

You deserved it 4 113

By goddamn chicken subs - 24/03/2016 16:51 - United States

Today, my brother and I got food poisoning because of the shady chicken subs we ate last night. Our mom thinks we're faking it and sent us to school anyway. I'm coming to you live from a school toilet while missing a test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 772

You deserved it 1 637

By Laura - 27/05/2014 15:58 - United States

Today, at school, I got seated in front of the resident creepy kid that everyone stayed away from. I was pretty relieved to get through most of the class with no incidents, until the bell rang and he tore out a chunk of my hair, yelling "DNA! DNA!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 330

You deserved it 4 122

By ithinkimturningjapanese - 06/08/2015 08:33 - United States - Apo

Today, I was diagnosed with food poisoning for the third time since moving to this base in Japan. My husband keeps cooking questionable meat and vegetables from the commissary because he thinks the food from a Japanese grocery store is radioactive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 713

You deserved it 2 113

By Michael - 25/10/2011 15:00 - Australia

Today, while taking pills for a headache, I threw my head back to help get the pills down, and in the process, whacked it against the brick windowsill behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 866

You deserved it 15 580

Friday, baby!

By jack - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - France - Ajaccio

Today, I tried inviting the girl I like out to dinner. She replied, "Sorry, I already have plans." I asked her what they were, and she said, "I don’t know yet, but I’ll think of something." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 612

You deserved it 2 369

Alexa, play "Meat Is Murder" by The Smiths

By meat is meat - 07/10/2019 02:07

Today, my girlfriend went on yet another long-winded rant about how dogs are family and should be treated as such, whilst stuffing her face with ribs. I asked her what the difference was between a dog and the pile of pig parts on her plate. Her only response was to call me a monster and dump me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 147

You deserved it 2 271

By HidenSeek - 08/05/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, my mom and I were watching this movie in which some girls start making out. My mother calls them "sinners" and that they will "burn in hell twice". Then she says "God doesn't like gays". I'm a lesbian. I picked out this movie as a way of coming out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108 687

You deserved it 17 047

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Death_From_Above 0

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Thursday 14 April 2011 8:58

kick his ass

HowDidIGetHere 0

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Thursday 14 April 2011 8:58

I woulda stabbed him -.-

Death_From_Above 0

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Thursday 14 April 2011 8:58

kick his ass

sterlingarcher 1

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Thursday 14 April 2011 9:21

bahaaha sorry op but thats hilarious!

imlagginglol 0

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Thursday 14 April 2011 9:24

That's funny. What did the officer do?

Alliria 3

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Thursday 14 April 2011 9:42

His friend is clearly the biggest douchebag ever, and he also sounds hilarious.

6969awesome 0

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Thursday 14 April 2011 10:56

Why does his friend have a knife?

NeatNit 32

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Thursday 14 April 2011 11:12

How can you people be so blind? OP, you RAN A RED LIGHT. You apparently have no idea how serious that is. IMO you deserve jail. YDI

ImaWiseGuy 5

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Thursday 14 April 2011 11:19

what do you mean "he thought it would be funny" because on my side that sounds pretty fucking funny......

PissingPeopleOff 0

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Thursday 14 April 2011 14:47

44 it could just be a small pocket knife. Usually people just carry a knife around cause at times they may need it. Multitools are also a good example.

mfmylifesrsly 29

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Thursday 14 April 2011 14:49

that sucks the damn red light cameras caught me 'running a red light' when turning right because I was going fast and the light was yellow then turned red as soon as I began to turn -__- now I owe them $75

theten_fml 9

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Thursday 14 April 2011 16:07

I think it would be funny if your friend walked home.

laden_swallow09 34

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Thursday 14 April 2011 16:34

19, 20, 26, and 52 - It's only hilarious because you're not the poor guy who has to be curb stomped by a policeman who has no idea that it's your friend who needs to be stomped for being a complete asshole. FYL, OP.

sterlingarcher 1

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Thursday 14 April 2011 16:38

nope if that happened to me I would still find it hilarious! :)

leaksmike 0

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Friday 15 April 2011 3:30

You suck -___- Jail for ONE red light? You're insane.

kay2kay 1

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Friday 15 April 2011 12:52

Today, I am in the hospital because my friend thought it would be funny to stab me with a knife I pranked him with when we were getting a ticket. FML.

AmberBri 8

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Saturday 16 April 2011 8:52

^ Ha, hellllll yes. I'd kill him without the knife.

AmberBri 8

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Saturday 16 April 2011 8:53

^ Ha, hellllll yes. I'd kill him without the knife.

davizv 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 2:11

is ur picture from YouTube? how to annoy people?

alexdaguitarman 0

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Thursday 21 July 2011 15:35

He was right. That is funny

HowDidIGetHere 0

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Thursday 14 April 2011 8:58

I woulda stabbed him -.-

j_cat187 19

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Thursday 14 April 2011 14:52

haha chop his head off!!!!!!!!!!

x_messyjessy_x 0

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Thursday 14 April 2011 19:36

^ hahaha!! NO! not funny

RavenRiley007 4

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Friday 15 April 2011 0:14

wow your friend is a keeper int he?

poiuytjfffc 0

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Saturday 16 April 2011 17:12

it's people like u who cause accidents

YourEvilHero 12

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Thursday 14 April 2011 8:58

give the officer sex

Livinia 11

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Thursday 14 April 2011 10:26

Because that always works (;

techweed 12

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Thursday 14 April 2011 14:20

^ you look like you know from experience

Gianca1208 4

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Thursday 14 April 2011 16:20

She totally sucked an officers pep dude 

klutzyduck1 24

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Thursday 14 April 2011 16:35

Rude. She's gorgeous, she probably wouldn't need to.

robotiick 12

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Thursday 14 April 2011 22:05

lol after sex cop says alright let's forget about the whole thing tht I pulled u over ok? (still has pants off out of car)

Geneside 8

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Thursday 14 April 2011 9:01

Haha epic. But with my luck my m8s would do it to me

Tuesdays76 0

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Thursday 14 April 2011 17:17

This sounds like a Gabriel Iglisias story lol. Sorry I butchered the name.

ElGranOrgo 0

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Thursday 14 April 2011 9:01

I hope that you stopped being his friend or made that dumbass pay the ticket/fines

chris71sk8r 8

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Thursday 14 April 2011 9:02

Lmao, I would've stick it up his/her ass!

sterlingarcher 1

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Thursday 14 April 2011 9:37

haha

chris71sk8r 8

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Thursday 14 April 2011 14:39

How can you laugh? I'm serious. But let's keep that between me and you.(:

sterlingarcher 1

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Thursday 14 April 2011 16:23

lol ok then.. it's between us.. haha

sterlingarcher 1

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Saturday 16 April 2011 1:28

haha oh boy..

tahvoh 3

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Thursday 14 April 2011 9:02

hahahaha douche!

peppermintstick 0

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Thursday 14 April 2011 9:04

That was my first thought, too! What a psycho friend.

RavenDesired 10

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Thursday 14 April 2011 9:05

Why the crap turtle did he have a knife?

sus346 2

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Thursday 14 April 2011 9:15

^^ Whaaaaa? Lol, turtle :P

klonopin_ftw 0

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Thursday 14 April 2011 10:29

awkward turtle hand gesture commencing.

giantsfan2010 23

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Thursday 14 April 2011 17:04

I like turtles.

LaughinStock 16

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Sunday 17 April 2011 11:09

lmao crap turtle omg u made my day :)

kaycee1996 5

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Monday 9 April 2012 17:27

Mine too!! :D

cono1717 0

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Thursday 14 April 2011 9:08

You should have said "please hold officer" turned round and stabbed him.

Eil 5

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Friday 15 April 2011 21:30

^ this ^

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 47

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 26

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 449

You deserved it 111

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 770

You deserved it 42

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