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Hey guys op here and I want to say I'm surprised this got published. My daughter is only 8 and she is very competitive and will go at lengths end to win a bet. She did regret everything and it cost me $100 but at least she won $10 in the end.

By fuck off, dad - 02/01/2014 17:07 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad is going through a midlife crisis. He now wants to be less like a dad and more like a "best friend" to me. This mainly involves him constantly texting me, sending me stuff on Snapchat, and saying stuff like "wicked cool", "bazinga", and "swag" every chance he gets. FML

agreeclassic 48 242

vote type 1 4 801

By WayTooMuchFacebook - 04/02/2012 05:07 - United States

Today, I read some funny scribblings on a wall in the bathroom stall. My first instinct was to "Like" it. FML

agreeclassic 11 136

vote type 1 33 545

Bubbles

By soapgirl - 13/08/2009 16:07 - Philippines

Today, my mom was gifted with a toiletry basket. I grabbed the lotion and used it without asking. When I went out, it began raining hard. I got wet and noticed my skin got very sticky. Turns out the lotion was actually body wash. People were wondering why soap bubbles were coming from my skin. FML

agreeclassic 9 436

vote type 1 65 074

By not saying it was whores, but... - 16/10/2014 20:32 - United States

Today, I accidentally belched at the dinner table. At age 22, I got sent to my room with no dessert by my parents. FML

agreeclassic 37 410

vote type 1 9 145

By Anonymous - 14/09/2014 16:38 - Ghana - Accra

Today, I got high for the first time. Apparently I called my vet and told him my goldfish was barking. I found out when he called me back later to make sure we were both okay. FML

agreeclassic 36 655

vote type 1 20 866

Wrong end of the stick

By Matt - 03/06/2012 14:21 - Australia - Tyabb

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to break up with her. It was a hard decision and both of us became quite emotionally overwhelmed at the time. We began to hug as a final goodbye, then her mum burst in the room and yelled, "HE FINALLY PROPOSED!" FML

agreeclassic 42 900

vote type 1 3 863

By JohnFarrell - 24/04/2009 17:20 - United States

Today, I was at the gym when I saw one of my friends at the water fountain. I went over and gave him a man ass slap while he was drinking. It wasn't my friend. I now have a black eye. FML

agreeclassic 14 528

vote type 1 66 060

Help!

By LtlCheeseburger - 31/05/2012 18:15 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I was shopping, and tried on a skirt that was a size smaller than usual, thinking that I would fit in. Not only did it not fit, neither I nor the sales assistant could get it off me, because the zip got stuck. She had to cut me out of it. FML

agreeclassic 11 520

vote type 1 29 490

Customers from Hell

By notoneatall - 07/07/2014 03:39 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I got called a cunt at work by a customer. What could I have said that could have caused them to say that? "Have a great day." FML

agreeclassic 43 690

vote type 1 3 962

Assumptions

By oops - 08/05/2013 14:44 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, while packing for a trip, my mom bumped my bag and it started to vibrate. She flew into a huge rage calling me all sorts of colourful names, thinking it was a sex toy. It was my tooth brush. FML

agreeclassic 76 613

vote type 1 5 698

By Anonymous - 19/06/2014 14:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was feeling unappreciated and asked my boyfriend if he loves me. He faltered and replied, "Uh, my dick does." FML

agreeclassic 51 716

vote type 1 8 441

By Broguy - 06/07/2011 02:20 - Canada

Today, I called my phone company to get some answers about my phone bill. I was okay with being put on hold. In fact, I was on hold for so long, that the music stopped playing. When someone finally answered they told me to call back tomorrow. All my phones disconnected an hour later. FML

agreeclassic 37 180

vote type 1 2 958

By hhhhhhhpeterwut - 19/02/2013 03:21 - United States - Bethesda

Today, as my lame excuse to not give a guy I met at a club my phone number, I told him I didn't have a cell phone. Guess what I checked when he asked me what time it was a few minutes later. FML

agreeclassic 9 362

vote type 1 54 833

By Anonymous - 04/01/2013 06:18 - United States - La Marque

Today, my boyfriend called me anti-social. To prove him wrong I texted one of my friends. She texted back, "Who's this??" FML

agreeclassic 24 682

vote type 1 7 956

Stalker vibes

By nerdychick - 16/02/2011 01:34 - United States

Today, I printed out a picture of the popular girl in school as a sort of 'model' for how I wanted my hair cut. The hairdresser taped the picture to the mirror so he could see. Halfway through, my 'model' came in for an appointment. FML

agreeclassic 34 059

vote type 1 22 289

Damn, son

By Anonymous - 31/10/2012 20:24 - United States - Lufkin

Today, I was at a barbeque with my family, my boyfriend, and some mutual acquaintances. Someone jokingly called my boyfriend a pussy, to which he loudly replied, "I guess I am what I eat!" My mother was sitting across from us. FML

agreeclassic 30 361

vote type 1 4 192

By quickit - 05/12/2014 17:14 - United States - Rochester

Today, at the fast food joint I work at, I had to climb into the children's play area and chase out two horny teens who thought it was an appropriate place to stick their hands down each other's pants and fool around. I don't get paid enough for this shit. FML

agreeclassic 41 925

vote type 1 3 516

quickit app_comment_confession_title

quickit 24

Saturday 6 December 2014 1:55

Hey you guys it's OP. Reading some of the comments have made me laugh a lot! But allow me to shed some light on the situation. So I was just entering into my third week of working at Mc Donald's when this happened. An old woman noticed the two teens go into the play structure and reported it to us. We have a strict policy that children over the age of twelve aren't allowed into the play place. Part of that reason is due to size. Anyways after trying to convince the kids to come out my manager told me to go up there and get them out. I could barely fit into the structure but they came out shortly after. It ended with both of them being banned from that restaurant and their parents being called to pick them up. I'm only working there part time because I am a student but I hope I don't have to do anything too crazy like this again.

By Anonymous - 16/06/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, I let my on-again, off-again boyfriend spend the night. For months we had been fighting about his new flame. After he convinced me that they are no longer an item, we had the most mind-blowing sex then we fell asleep. I awoke to him moaning her name. Followed by pelvic thrusts. FML

agreeclassic 26 057

vote type 1 54 373