Intimacy: Today, while having sex with my girlfriend on the bathroom floor,...

By Drewbie - United States - Park City

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend on the bathroom floor, I felt something tickle my balls. I looked back to see her sister's kitten getting in on the action. I think I just had my first threesome. FML

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Intimacy

Messed up

Walk on the wild side

The X Factor

By Chansus10 - United States - Greendale

Today, my boss drove past me while I was walking to work, and splashing mud over my uniform. When I got to work, he criticized me for showing up in unpresentable condition. FML

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By BIZZMAL - United States

Today, I was out running. All of a sudden I saw a dog come towards me, I thought it was going to attack me and I screamed like a girl in front of everyone. It was a puppy wanting to play. FML

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By TheHezzer - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered the hard way that all the scare stories I'd heard about rats getting into pipes and finding their way into your toilet are, in fact, true. FML

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By SonOfaSpy - United States

Today, we found out why we were getting notes on our door telling us to "move out or else." As my mom works for the government and we have a direct-TV dish on our roof, our neighbor thinks we were sent to listen to his phone calls and read his mind. We were here before he was. FML

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By onlywantuanyway

Double standards

Today, my boyfriend again told me how he wants to have an open relationship. Of course, this means he can do what he likes with anyone, but if I so much as kiss someone else, I'm a cheating slut. FML

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By Heather - United States - Bethesda

Today, I realized that the bird I supposedly heard during the night throughout my childhood is actually the sound my mom makes when she comes. FML

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By lowlife123 - United States - Manawa

Today, I found out my boyfriend gave me a surprise birthday present: herpes. FML

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By ladyofzanarkand - 10/6/2020 14:19

My cousin the shitgibbon

Today, my cousin posted an article on Facebook with the caption, "This warms my heart." The article was about a teenager who was bullied to suicide for being gay. FML

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By OhhhNooo - United States

Today, my Dad told me that I was named after the dog he accidentally shot in the head as a teenager. FML

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By armenta427 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents are 28,000 dollars in debt and that my bank account has $27.17 in it. They took my money to help pay their debt. FML

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By Birthday Boy

Happy Birthday

Today, my family asked where I wanted to go for my birthday dinner. They shot down my every suggestion and decided on sushi. I'm allergic, so the only thing I could eat was a veggie appetizer. Dad said I need to "expand my palate." FML

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By overexcited - United States

Today, I woke up in the hospital. I had apparently overworked my heart so much that I fainted. What caused it? I was playing a racing game on my Wii and freaked out when I won first place. FML

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By SheenaL - United States

Today, my son is going through a rebellious phase. He's taken to wearing leather and chains, listening to death metal music all day in his room alone, and screaming at me in public places. He was fired from his part-time job for swearing at customers. My son is 29 years old. FML

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By Tickdick - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I got out of the shower and noticed a tiny leaf on my penis. With legs. Squirming. I have a new nickname. FML

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By fuckit - Italy - Rome

Today, my pants ripped while I was at work. I had to keep my balls to the wall while I dodged customers and edged ever closer to the break room. Before I could call my wife and ask her to bring a new pair, my boss burst in, got pissed, and made me go back out and deal with irate customers. FML

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By jellymoon14 - United States

Today, after being recently laid off at work due to "cutbacks", I went job searching around town. During my drive, I cruised past my old workplace and saw a "now hiring" sign in their window. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2021 08:01

This Charming Man

Today, I met what I thought was a decent guy, via an introduction by my pregnant friend. She's dating his brother. The guy was dropping my friend and me off, but on the way out of the door he slapped her on the butt and smiled. FML

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By sheyo - Canada

Today, I went to the movies with some girlfriends. The guy behind us was making these pervy, heavy breathing noises, so we threw some popcorn at him. When the movie finished, we saw him in a wheelchair - with a breathing tube sticking out of his neck. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my two year old cousin was having a temper tantrum. I decided to give him a flashlight because playing with it usually distracts him. It didn't. Instead, he hit me in the face with it as hard as possible, leaving a bruise. FML

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By LLP - 15/10/2020 17:01 - United States

Freudian slip

Today, I found out there's nothing like getting dumped and then receiving an inadvertent Snapchat sext from your ex-girlfriend that was intended for her new boyfriend, on what would have been your anniversary. FML

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By The Ugly One - United States

Today, my professor was doing roll-call. As usual, she didn't say my name because it's so close to the person before me. So to differentiate, she decided she would call the girl before me "the pretty one". FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, I woke up, patted my dog and kissed his nose. He was dead. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 02:00

Honesty is the best policy

Today, I finally went on a date with a girl I've been talking to for 2 years. She is my dream girl, picture perfect and I love her with all my heart. So I asked her, half jokingly, if I was her dream guy. Her reply? "Don't ask me something you don't want to hear the answer of." FML

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By strokingitasitype - Canada - Gander

Today, I cleaned my computer screen for the first time in ages. When I turned it on a few hours later, I spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to figure out why the brightness was suddenly so painfully high. FML

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By pottypattypeepants - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were play wrestling. I had pinned him down and was sitting on his chest when he suddenly squeezed my stomach, causing me to rip the loudest fart ever. He looked so shocked that I couldn't help but laugh. I laughed so hard that I accidentally peed on him as well. FML

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By oops123 - United States

Today, my neighbors are moving. As we were saying our goodbyes, their 12-year-old son approached and thanked me for the times I forgot to shut the blinds and he watched me change. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2021 05:01

That's… a strange coincidence

Today, my boyfriend of three years hooked up with a girl who got herpes from a Michigan football player. FML

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By anon

Today, I had to explain to someone in my class who Gandhi really was and that he was not a fictional goblin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called in to my girlfriend's favorite radio station to propose. After spending what seemed like an eternity telling her how much I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, she took a deep breath, said, "How about no?" and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I took my girlfriend of nearly 2 years out to dinner so I could propose. When the waiter brought the check, I caused a bit of a scene to get everyone's attention. When I got on my knee and proposed, she said no and asked if I could hurry up and pay, because she was embarrassed. FML

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By runner - United States

Run run run

Today, I went for a run in a new pair of shoes that left me with huge blisters. As I finished cleaning them up so they could heal, I limped to my bed to take a nap. I was woken by the fire alarm. My building was having a drill and we couldn't use the elevators. I live on the 9th floor. FML

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By HazzaBoo - United States

Today, I decided to help the homeless by giving them old clothes and food. In return, they decided to mug me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2020 08:00

Wrong enemy

Today, my girlfriend slapped a waxing strip on my beard because she is sick of quarantine and wanted to lash out at someone. FML

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By Alex - United States

Today, I decided to ride my bike to the bus stop to go to school. I wasn't even half way and the last bus had already left. I figured I would loop around instead of going back the way I came and ended up riding 16 miles before I got home. FML

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By arw - United States

Today, I was with my grandma in my new car. She suddenly says, "I've got to pee bad." Without giving me enough time to find a gas station, she blurts out, "Never mind, I just did." FML

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By danii - Reserved

Today, I drove to the liquor store completely naked except for my dressing gown, with a carload of idiot stoners who ran in and stole vodka, tequila and whiskey. We drank in a bush. Last week I was a good citizen, and now I'm white trash. I'm not quite sure what happened in between. FML

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By Anonymous - Chile

Today, I finally quit my job after talking with a friend about making our own design/multimedia company. While I was on my way to his house, he called me and told me not to quit because he got an awesome job offer and couldn't refuse. FML

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By Franklin - United States - Fairbanks

Keeping it in the family!

Today, we got the results of our family's ancestry DNA tests. My father isn't related to me, but my grandfather is still my grandfather. Apparently grandma cheated on grandpa to get 'dad', and my mother cheated on 'dad' with my 'uncle' to get me. FML

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By Useless Key

Today, my sister couldn't find the spare key I gave her for my apartment, so I had to pay a $50 fee to the leasing office. Not 30 minutes after paying, she found the key. In her purse. On her keychain. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lemon Grove

Today, I was pretending a long corridor at work was a catwalk, when a coworker walked out just in time to see me prancing around like an idiot. Now the whole building is laughing about it. FML

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Top comments

By deathbatchickk | 8

#5322259 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

Nothing wrong with two pussies

By JustAGirlOnFML | 11

#5322265 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:24

Soft kitty
Warm kitty
Little ball of fur
Happy kitty
Sleepy kitty
Won't you feel my balls

COMMENTS

By deathbatchickk | 8

#5322259 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

Nothing wrong with two pussies

perdix | 29

#5322285 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:30

Except when one of the pussies has teeth . . .

and the other has teeth AND retractable claws.

hellbilly205 | 17

#5322299 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:33

Doesn't matter had sex.

cradle6 | 13

#5322352 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:53

That pussy is underage.

MrBrightside21 | 20

#5322395 - Sunday 13 January 2013 20:18

I think I saw watching a video similar to what you were saying perdix.

Turns out I was just watching Predator.

LolPieRofl | 11

#5322466 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:31

What if it was a male kitty, then its a devils threesome! :0

Catkam623 | 27

#5322757 - Monday 14 January 2013 3:37

Aww man male kitty played with OP's hacky sacs that can't feel right.

By Jeffo193 | 13

#5322260 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

You were in bed with two pussies...definitely a threesome ;-)

smartman136 | 8

#5322267 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:24

Technically on the floor.

Jeffo193 | 13

#5322274 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:26

Oh, i must've misread that sentence...definitely going to get downvoted for that one...

JayFoShizzle | 4

#5322288 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:31

Gave you a sympathetic up vote Jeff, it was a funny comment regardless.

Smartdumbblonde | 27

#5322326 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:39

You mean on the floor, right?

Roevera | 14

#5322362 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:58

#32 I think we've established that already..

Jeffo193 | 13

#5322372 - Sunday 13 January 2013 20:01

There are times when the world of FML comments make little sense to me...this is one of them.

dannykilljoy | 4

#5322582 - Sunday 13 January 2013 23:53

Jeff I would just go home and take a nap at this point.

Smartdumbblonde | 27

#5322641 - Monday 14 January 2013 1:17

#39 im sorry I didn't realize that someone pointed that out already, all I did was read the comment and asked a simple question.

ZombieSnoopy | 9

#5326252 - Wednesday 16 January 2013 6:36

Shes 24 down votes in that holes been dug and its about to hit China

By ICastillo | 24

#5322261 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

Well OP you're doing something right. Not everybody get to have a threesome.

FastidiousPear | 6

#5322529 - Sunday 13 January 2013 22:46

It depends on hotness. The cat might've been like a 4 at best. If it was an 8 or 9, then that's a threesome worth bragging about.

By airforce987 | 20

#5322263 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

Funniest. Mental image. Ever.

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5322649 - Monday 14 January 2013 1:37

You find odd things funny... o_O

By littlekellilee | 45

#5322264 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

I guess you're a cat person now.

randomness247 | 4

#5322518 - Sunday 13 January 2013 22:25

More like, he's a pussy person now.

Googolman | 29

#5322894 - Monday 14 January 2013 5:43

More like, he's an ailurophile now.

By JustAGirlOnFML | 11

#5322265 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:24

Soft kitty
Warm kitty
Little ball of fur
Happy kitty
Sleepy kitty
Won't you feel my balls

TheDeafWalrus | 8

#5322289 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:31

I applaud you my good sir.

annie_nk | 22

#5322300 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:33

Soft kitty, Warm kitty. Little ball of fluff. Happy kitty. Sleepy kitty. Playing with my stuff.

JustAGirlOnFML | 11

#5322319 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:37

That's nice of you, but I am not a sir.

LolFMLnot | 10

#5322386 - Sunday 13 January 2013 20:12

21 her username is "JustAGirlOnFmL".

onorexveritas | 23

#5322501 - Sunday 13 January 2013 22:03

I applaud you GirlOnFML xD

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5322651 - Monday 14 January 2013 1:39

I think you just ruined that song for me. It's a shame I just ordered the shirt :(

Catkam623 | 27

#5322762 - Monday 14 January 2013 3:41

I ordered soft woodie but suddenly I feel the need for soft kitty warm kitty little ball of fur happy kitty please don't claw my balls pur pur pur

Catkam623 | 27

#5322871 - Monday 14 January 2013 5:09

*wookie (from skippys list),

naduskalove | 3

#5324168 - Tuesday 15 January 2013 0:04

Oh my God !!! I laughed so hard! Thank you for this epic comment !!

By nycwrestler | 17

#5322266 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:24

Twice the pussy, twice the fun.

By rivaraven | 35

#5322269 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:25

If that's what you're in to..

By martin_martian7 | 11

#5322271 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:25

Can it get any better? (:

By perdix | 29

#5322272 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:25

Reminds me of that book, "Final Threesome," by Claude Balls.

Enslaved | 36

#5322470 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:34

Well, it reminds me of--

Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both ass naked, banging on the. . .
BATHROOM FLOOR!

(psst it wasn't me)

21jason | 9

#5322483 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:43

You got the lyrics all messed up

Enslaved | 36

#5322490 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:52

There's a few-- but I guess you like the "butt" one.