Today, while having sex with my girlfriend on the bathroom floor,...

By Drewbie - 13/1/2013 08:53 - United States - Park City

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend on the bathroom floor, I felt something tickle my balls. I looked back to see her sister's kitten getting in on the action. I think I just had my first threesome. FML

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Intimacy

Fake News

Buzzing the tower

Bad news

By Anonymous - 17/6/2012 04:53 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was reading erotic literature and noticed several errors in syntax, resulting in my mood being killed. I was cockblocked by my need for grammatical correctness. FML

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By Emily - 14/2/2011 20:25 - France

Today, I woke up to a good friend of mine leaving my bed. The very friend I've had a crush on for months, and knows exactly how I feel about him. Everything was great until he said, "Yeah, about last night... It's just that you were there, and I was weak. See ya." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2015 15:02 - United States

Today, after several months of eating right, exercising, and weight loss, my mother has yet again arrived at my house, unannounced and with a very sugary cake. She's been doing this most weeks since I lost 50 pounds. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2010 02:56 - United States

Today, I had a conference with my dad, my counselor, and my history and English teachers because my dad was "concerned" about my grades in those two classes. We talked for a while and it was going well, then my counselor asked what I wanted to study in college. I said I wanted to be a teacher. He laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2020 16:54

Clocked

Today, I was stopped by a customer who told me that I looked like a nice woman. I thanked him for the compliment and pointed out that I was a man. With an obviously male name on my name tag. And visible facial hair. FML

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By FMeeee - 16/6/2014 18:50 - Portugal - Aveiro

Today, I decided to tell my family, including my husband, that I'm pregnant. Their reaction was basically a "meh" before returning to watching the World Cup. FML

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By Brastro - 7/4/2009 11:46 - Ireland

Today, we were at the end of our surfing trip watching a photo montage. A picture popped up of an ugly girl surfing so I shouted out "I didn't know Shrek could surf". The room went very quiet. "Shrek" was sitting beside me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2013 03:57 - United States

Today, after months of incredibly painful stomach cramps, I convinced my mom that I needed to see a doctor. Not even 2 minutes into the exam, the doctor tells me that I'm heavily constipated and advised some "prune juice" to help "clear all that shit out". My mom won't stop laughing at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2013 10:44 - United States

Today, I went to the gynecologist. In the waiting room they had decorative words that spelled out "Relax" and "Enjoy". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2020 14:02

Always wear protective gear

Today, while nailing a board down, I hit my thumb with the hammer. As I reached to console my throbbing finger, I dropped the hammer on my foot. When I went down to hold my foot, I smacked my head on the board. Now I've got a concussion, a smashed finger, and a bruised foot. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2010 01:57 - United States

Today, I found out everybody at work thinks I'm a lesbian because they thought my boyfriend was a girl. FML

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By Awkward - 16/1/2010 21:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me to meet his friends at one of his exclusive "clubs." Expecting it to be his old friends from college, I agreed to go. Apparently, I've been dating a member of the Ku Klux Klan for 2 years. FML

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By shitty situation - 28/1/2013 23:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend came over for a family brunch, during which he told my mother, in vivid detail, how he gets the shits whenever he eats kale chips. FML

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By Dead_Eye - 27/9/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, I turned down an invite to a huge private party that is rarely given to freshmen in college, because I felt bad that I hadn't had a chance to talk to my girlfriend in a couple of days. I called her a couple of hours later. She answered with, "Hey, I'm at a party. I will call you tomorrow?" FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 15:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to show me a magic trick. He filled a bowl with wine, pushed it on top of the ceiling using a broom stick, and held it up there. He told me to hold it and left. Taking my hands off the broomstick would cause the bowl to fall on my expensive new suit. Eventually, it did. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 23:00

Dream baby dream

Today, I woke up to my father sobbing his eyes out in the kitchen. Apparently, I screamed, "DON'T TELL THEM I'M PREGNANT!" in my sleep last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2016 08:25 - Australia - Aspley

Today, for my birthday my friend bought me a book on how to lose weight. FML

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By CaBur - 19/2/2013 22:03 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, at work I got in an elevator to go upstairs. It wasn't until the doors opened minutes later and people stepped in that I realized I had zoned out and forgot to press the button for the floor I needed. I then promptly exited the elevator and waited for the next elevator to go up in. FML

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By aru9 - 12/9/2011 19:25 - United States

Today, I met an old friend from high school and his hot girlfriend. I jokingly said she must be blind to go out with him. His response: "Yeah, she is." FML

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By Strainer - 23/5/2015 04:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I strained so hard trying to take a crap that I broke a blood vessel in my eye. FML

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By Username - 2/8/2011 14:52 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrow pierced. By a fish hook. FML

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By Z - 3/7/2010 19:26 - United States

Today, after a large, dramatic fight with my girlfriend in a parking lot, we stopped arguing altogether and hugged, dropping the issue. Twenty seconds later, I accidentally slammed her hand in the car door, breaking two of her fingers. FML

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By MegGRRRz - 28/11/2009 15:33 - United States

Today, I woke up and took my mom to work. It wasn't until after I got home, logged on Facebook and looked at the upcoming birthdays to see that it was her birthday today. No wonder she was silent the entire car ride and slammed the door on the way out. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 02:02 - United States - Arlington

Always ask for documentation

Today, the guy I met on Tinder texted me about our date tomorrow. He seemed nervous. I come to find out his mom overheard us talking on the phone and wants to meet me. I said OK, that’s not big deal. That’s when he told me that he’s actually 17. I now hate myself because I’m 26. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/2/2011 20:19 - United States

Today, I found out why my cell phone has been going missing every night for the last few months. My sister has been "borrowing" it so she can hold it against her crotch and repeatedly push the vibrate button. FML

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By grossfoot - 31/8/2010 06:14 - United States

Today, while getting on the subway, I tripped over the gap between the train and the platform. My flip-flop caught on the edge, and fell into the gap. I had to walk home with one flip-flop. FML

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By ftt - 6/12/2016 15:22

Today, Facebook notified me a "friend" had tagged me in one of his photos. It was a group photo of 20, but my face was the only one that was intentionally blocked out with an emoji because I "didn't belong in the group." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2011 16:14 - Netherlands

Today, I was worried about passing an exam, so I hid a note under my skirt. When the guy next to me was finished, I had to get up so he could leave. With no time to hide the note, I stood in front of the entire class, hand over my crotch, looking as if I had to pee. FML

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By I think its dead - 15/1/2013 07:33 - Canada - Brandon

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. In the entrance way I felt a slight tugging on my jeans. Used to my Doberman tugging when he wants to play, I shoved hard with my foot. I successfully punted their Chihuahua off the ground and into the next room where it landed with a thud. FML

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By pukishgirl - 18/11/2010 12:12 - India

Today, my boss was skeptical when I told her I had a terrible migraine and needed to go home for the day early. I removed all her doubts by puking over her. FML

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By kolgate - 15/2/2012 10:12 - United States

Today, I called my grandmother to wish her a happy Valentines Day. She asked me if I had a date lined up. I didn't, and before I could explain why, she responded with, "Well, maybe all the other gays went on vacation!" Thanks Grandma, I'm not gay. FML

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By IvyBlackeyes - 29/8/2018 01:30

Today, I sprained my ankle at dance class. No, I was not dancing when I did it. I was trying to step off on a small mat so I could go home. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2015 04:21 - United States - Erie

Today, I learned not to take sex tips from virgins seriously. "Have sex in the shower", they said. "It'll be fun", they said. Well they didn't take slippage into account. One busted nose and concussion later, I'm not seeing the "fun" part at all. FML

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By Chubsley - 21/2/2009 07:44 - United States

Today, I realized that the beef jerky someone had left on the counter and that I'd been sneaking a few pieces of every morning had a cartoon dog holding two strips of beef jerky. I wondered why nobody else was eating it. It was beef jerky for dogs. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2018 00:00 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were on a picnic date out in the country, things got a little heated. When we were switching positions, he screamed and started running around. Turns out neither of us noticed the beehive in the tree above us until his dick got stung. FML

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By mandy_2480 - 19/2/2012 02:08 - China

Today, I had to stop my 26 year old fiancé from picking his nose and eating it like a little boy. Three times. FML

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By "Bianka05" - 19/7/2017 20:00

Today, after being on vacation for a week, my alarm sounded early in the morning. It scared me so badly I peed myself. FML

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By oh no - 18/4/2020 02:00

What Mötley Crüe call "Breakfast"

Today, I think all those jokes my wife made about becoming an alcoholic during quarantine may be true. She came back from the weekly shopping today with 7 bottles of wine, a bottle of tequila and a 30-pack of beer. FML

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By Username - 23/11/2010 20:53

Today, at work, I handed an old man his drink, and our fingers accidentally brushed. He gave me a creepy wink and a smile, but I ignored it. He's now been sitting in the store for two hours watching me. Only 4 hours to go until I get off. FML

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By Nathan - 23/3/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, I went to see a therapist for the first time because I've been feeling depressed lately. I opened up and said everything that was on my mind. I really spilled my guts. After a good 30 minutes, her first question was, "Do you always talk this much?" FML

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Top comments

By deathbatchickk | 8

#5322259 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

Nothing wrong with two pussies

By JustAGirlOnFML | 11

#5322265 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:24

Soft kitty
Warm kitty
Little ball of fur
Happy kitty
Sleepy kitty
Won't you feel my balls

COMMENTS

By deathbatchickk | 8

#5322259 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

Nothing wrong with two pussies

perdix | 29

#5322285 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:30

Except when one of the pussies has teeth . . .

and the other has teeth AND retractable claws.

hellbilly205 | 17

#5322299 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:33

Doesn't matter had sex.

cradle6 | 13

#5322352 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:53

That pussy is underage.

MrBrightside21 | 20

#5322395 - Sunday 13 January 2013 20:18

I think I saw watching a video similar to what you were saying perdix.

Turns out I was just watching Predator.

LolPieRofl | 11

#5322466 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:31

What if it was a male kitty, then its a devils threesome! :0

Catkam623 | 27

#5322757 - Monday 14 January 2013 3:37

Aww man male kitty played with OP's hacky sacs that can't feel right.

By Jeffo193 | 13

#5322260 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

You were in bed with two pussies...definitely a threesome ;-)

smartman136 | 8

#5322267 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:24

Technically on the floor.

Jeffo193 | 13

#5322274 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:26

Oh, i must've misread that sentence...definitely going to get downvoted for that one...

JayFoShizzle | 4

#5322288 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:31

Gave you a sympathetic up vote Jeff, it was a funny comment regardless.

Smartdumbblonde | 27

#5322326 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:39

You mean on the floor, right?

Roevera | 14

#5322362 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:58

#32 I think we've established that already..

Jeffo193 | 13

#5322372 - Sunday 13 January 2013 20:01

There are times when the world of FML comments make little sense to me...this is one of them.

dannykilljoy | 4

#5322582 - Sunday 13 January 2013 23:53

Jeff I would just go home and take a nap at this point.

Smartdumbblonde | 27

#5322641 - Monday 14 January 2013 1:17

#39 im sorry I didn't realize that someone pointed that out already, all I did was read the comment and asked a simple question.

ZombieSnoopy | 9

#5326252 - Wednesday 16 January 2013 6:36

Shes 24 down votes in that holes been dug and its about to hit China

By ICastillo | 24

#5322261 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

Well OP you're doing something right. Not everybody get to have a threesome.

FastidiousPear | 6

#5322529 - Sunday 13 January 2013 22:46

It depends on hotness. The cat might've been like a 4 at best. If it was an 8 or 9, then that's a threesome worth bragging about.

By airforce987 | 20

#5322263 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

Funniest. Mental image. Ever.

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5322649 - Monday 14 January 2013 1:37

You find odd things funny... o_O

By littlekellilee | 45

#5322264 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

I guess you're a cat person now.

randomness247 | 4

#5322518 - Sunday 13 January 2013 22:25

More like, he's a pussy person now.

Googolman | 29

#5322894 - Monday 14 January 2013 5:43

More like, he's an ailurophile now.

By JustAGirlOnFML | 11

#5322265 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:24

Soft kitty
Warm kitty
Little ball of fur
Happy kitty
Sleepy kitty
Won't you feel my balls

TheDeafWalrus | 8

#5322289 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:31

I applaud you my good sir.

annie_nk | 22

#5322300 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:33

Soft kitty, Warm kitty. Little ball of fluff. Happy kitty. Sleepy kitty. Playing with my stuff.

JustAGirlOnFML | 11

#5322319 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:37

That's nice of you, but I am not a sir.

LolFMLnot | 10

#5322386 - Sunday 13 January 2013 20:12

21 her username is "JustAGirlOnFmL".

onorexveritas | 23

#5322501 - Sunday 13 January 2013 22:03

I applaud you GirlOnFML xD

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5322651 - Monday 14 January 2013 1:39

I think you just ruined that song for me. It's a shame I just ordered the shirt :(

Catkam623 | 27

#5322762 - Monday 14 January 2013 3:41

I ordered soft woodie but suddenly I feel the need for soft kitty warm kitty little ball of fur happy kitty please don't claw my balls pur pur pur

Catkam623 | 27

#5322871 - Monday 14 January 2013 5:09

*wookie (from skippys list),

naduskalove | 3

#5324168 - Tuesday 15 January 2013 0:04

Oh my God !!! I laughed so hard! Thank you for this epic comment !!

By nycwrestler | 17

#5322266 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:24

Twice the pussy, twice the fun.

By rivaraven | 35

#5322269 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:25

If that's what you're in to..

By martin_martian7 | 11

#5322271 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:25

Can it get any better? (:

By perdix | 29

#5322272 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:25

Reminds me of that book, "Final Threesome," by Claude Balls.

Enslaved | 36

#5322470 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:34

Well, it reminds me of--

Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both ass naked, banging on the. . .
BATHROOM FLOOR!

(psst it wasn't me)

21jason | 9

#5322483 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:43

You got the lyrics all messed up

Enslaved | 36

#5322490 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:52

There's a few-- but I guess you like the "butt" one.