Today, while having sex with my girlfriend on the bathroom floor,...

By Drewbie - 13/1/2013 08:53 - United States - Park City

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend on the bathroom floor, I felt something tickle my balls. I looked back to see her sister's kitten getting in on the action. I think I just had my first threesome. FML

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Intimacy

The opposite of a good idea

Does it taste good?

Long story short

By just_a_bit_akwRd - 4/8/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, I was putting on my new pair of jeans, when my girlfriend walked in. She found the "XS" size sticker on the side of my pants, held it for a little while then put it on my crotch. She then looked at me, gave a little shrug and half-smile and walked away. FML

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By Potted - 16/11/2015 02:34 - United States - Denton

Today, after my close friend had his baby, he told me that he was no longer going to be selling weed at his house. I was happy for him, because it's unsafe. Until I found out he was still selling at my house with the help of my roommates, without telling me. FML

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By kippis05 - 17/2/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were waiting for the bus. The weather had been cold and snowy recently, and I realized I'd forgotten my transit card. She nonetheless got on the bus without me. I had to walk it alone in the snow. FML

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By moron - 9/5/2011 17:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I dropped my hair straightener. The good news is I caught it. The bad news is I caught it by the iron itself. FML

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By peanutprobs - 31/10/2014 21:12 - Germany - Bochum

Today, my friend took our prank war too far when he secretly added peanuts to my food. I have a peanut allergy. FML

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By SnapeIsGood - 8/11/2016 09:44 - Germany - Kornwestheim

Today, I hit the gym. With my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2013 17:26 - United States - Springfield

Today, marks my third day of school being closed due to snow. One, and only one, of the teachers has decided that we have to do work online in the meantime. I just so happen to be in three of his classes. FML

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By ygrowup2fast - 23/4/2020 17:00

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Today, my wife wasn't feeling well. She called her doctor, who isn't seeing patients due to COVID. Had to take her to the ER. After numerous tests, they told her that her potassium levels were low. Diagnosis: eat a banana. When we get the bill(s) from the hospital, this will be the most expensive banana ever. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2009 08:20 - Japan

Today, I was riding the subway to work. Barely anyone was on because of how early it was. Me and this one guy in a trench coat were in the same cart. His stop came. He walked by me, flashed me, rubbed his penis on my arm, and then ran away really fast. FML

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By ineedsleep - 30/10/2014 14:15 - Finland - J?rvenp

Today, I found out that there's a very loud and frisky couple living above my bedroom, and a family with a crying baby living above my living room. At this rate, I'll end up sleeping in the bathtub in my own home. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 00:39 - United States

Today, my boyfriend confessed his desire to have sex while I'm on my period. He calls it "bloody victory." FML

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By anonymous - 9/10/2012 05:53 - United States

Today, my wedding ring went missing. Later, my 3-year-old came to me crying, he'd got it stuck on his penis. When I tried to get it off, he peed on me. FML

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By YoshiSqu4d - 3/7/2019 14:01

Today, someone tripped the fire alarm at the hotel I'm currently staying at while I was taking a shit. FML

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By Blah - 10/10/2019 06:01

Unloveable

Today, it was my second day of house-sitting. I was so out of my mind from not seeing people that I invited a bunch of friends over for dinner. I said I would pay for pizza and we could all hang out in the house. Even with an unsupervised house and free food, no one showed. FML

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By hahahah111 - 25/5/2009 07:43 - United States

Today, my mom was driving me somewhere. As we were driving she got mad at a motorcycle driver telling to "get the fuck off the road." In response, the driver decided to spit into my open window. His spit landed on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2015 16:36 - Finland - Vammala

Today, my girlfriend called me and said she needs to take a break from our relationship. Why? Her really clingy ex is really depressed about her dating someone else and he isn't ready to accept it. So she wants to take a break "for his sake" until he's over her. FML

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By RickTooBomb - 5/10/2016 15:23 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I was working as a valet when an old guy came up and wanted us to park his car. He said he had an accident. We looked in the car and saw poop all over the seat. We still had to park the car. FML

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By Wowfmylife - 19/8/2009 03:59 - United States

Today, my ex showed up at my door with chocolates and flowers. I've liked him since I was 13, starting dating him when I was 15. He proposed when I was 22. I am now 24, and yesterday was our wedding day. He didn't show. FML

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By Farva - 24/1/2009 23:52 - United States

Today, I made a Craigslist ad looking for hot and horny women that wanted some. I only got one reply, from another guy asking me if this kind of thing actually works. FML

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By gonkc - 4/3/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, to remind myself to write a check for my speech and debate team (Lynbrook Speech and Debate), I wrote "LSD money" on the back of my hand. The Vice Principal saw it, dragged me to the office, and called my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2009 16:36 - United States

Today, I was working at a portrait studio and was taking pictures of a little girl, I kept telling the girl to stop making silly faces when she smiles because her eyes go cross-eyed. After the third time I said it her mom grabbed the little girl and left. Turns out, she was naturally cross-eyed. FML

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By gross - 15/7/2016 03:06 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, after giving a potential employee a drug test and instructing her to leave her urine sample in the bathroom, she not only brought it into the office, she spilled it on the front desk. FML

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By notgoodenough - 26/10/2016 18:47

Today, I was informed I wouldn't be getting a raise because I hadn't followed the updated protocol. I said I was unaware that there was an updated protocol. My supervisor said, "That's because we didn't tell you about it." FML

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By xXEmmaLieXx - 3/3/2015 17:37 - United States - Berkley

Today, my entire junior class took the ACT. On the last test, a classmate's phone went off, automatically invalidating the whole test. We all have to retake it. FML

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By crabmunch15 - 9/9/2012 05:38 - United States - Victorville

Today, I snuck out to go see my girlfriend. When I got to her house, I left my bike out front and we went on a nice walk around the block. We passed a homeless-looking woman going the opposite way. About ten minutes later, the same woman passed us, on my bike. FML

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By Professionally Curtious - 9/7/2017 18:30

Today, I was offered my dream job. When I gave my current employer my 2+ weeks notice so they'd have time to find a replacement, I was told to pack up and leave immediately. Now I'm out a month's pay because I gave notice instead of just leaving. FML

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By Beth - 28/4/2013 13:16 - United States - Raleigh

Today, my parents decided to wake me up on my birthday. They flashed the lights and yanked off my bed sheets. I sleep naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2019 00:01

Today, my landlord asked me to get rid of the flower boxes I have at the window in the stairwell. Why? Because they are disgusting. Why are they disgusting? Because his cat keeps using them as a litter box. FML

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By John - 22/8/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, I took my 15 year old daughter driving. I yelled at her for not going safely around corners. On the way home, while demonstrating how to drive right, I went around a corner and hit a cement truck. FML

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By duko3000 - 6/6/2010 17:36 - Canada

Today, I found out the reason I can't get a job. My previous employer didn't know my name, so when places I applied to called there for a reference, my boss said he had no recollection of me working there. FML

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By ImNotFat - 18/2/2015 04:22 - New Zealand

Today, a photo of my friends and me was posted in our college group. I didn't notice my legs looked enormous until my friend pointed it out. Her comment got 50 likes. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2018 15:00

Today, I got back to my car with a note cussing me out for parking in a disabled space when I’m clearly not disabled. They also smashed my windows. It’s true, I’m not disabled, but I also wasn’t parked in a disabled space. I was parked in a normal space next to the disabled spaces. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2011 18:40 - United States

Today, I went to go get my driver's license, only to be told that I need a copy of my birth certificate. In order to get the copy of my birth certificate, I need a driver's license or my passport. In order to get a passport, I need a copy of my birth certificate or a drivers license. I have none. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2012 01:07 - United States

Today, I was singing the National Anthem at a school game and totally forgot the words. So I kept singing the same two lines over and over. FML

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By Ahook1 - 23/8/2010 23:31 - Australia

Today, I discovered that my infertile girlfriend, who I have been having unprotected sex with for the past two months, is apparently very fertile. FML

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By prevostsrocklike - 11/5/2009 12:38 - United States

Today, I gave my wife a cat. The first thing it did when it got out of the box was scratch the sh*t out of my leg. Next, it ran up to my wife and purred. She said, "Good cat." FML

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By wtf mom?! - 6/4/2019 12:00

Today, I completely lost it when I found out my mom was driving around with my 20-month-old daughter not sat in a car seat. She told me I was overreacting, and that everything was fine since she “prayed for a safe journey.” FML

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By Jilly - 8/8/2011 06:45 - Australia

Today, I found out that my son had sold his house key to one of his friends for half a packet of gum. Now there is someone out there who I have never met with full access to my house. My son is 16. FML

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By youngsamoo92 - 7/12/2016 04:32 - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate when she pulled me in close and whispered in my ear, "We're getting Chips Ahoy after this." I came. FML

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By bham boy - 20/4/2011 08:10

Today, I went for a job interview. I was asked if I wanted a drink. I have no idea why, but I replied "a bottle of milk please." FML

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Top comments

By deathbatchickk | 8

#5322259 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

Nothing wrong with two pussies

By JustAGirlOnFML | 11

#5322265 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:24

Soft kitty
Warm kitty
Little ball of fur
Happy kitty
Sleepy kitty
Won't you feel my balls

Comments

By deathbatchickk | 8

#5322259 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

Nothing wrong with two pussies

perdix | 29

#5322285 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:30

Except when one of the pussies has teeth . . .

and the other has teeth AND retractable claws.

hellbilly205 | 17

#5322299 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:33

Doesn't matter had sex.

cradle6 | 13

#5322352 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:53

That pussy is underage.

MrBrightside21 | 20

#5322395 - Sunday 13 January 2013 20:18

I think I saw watching a video similar to what you were saying perdix.

Turns out I was just watching Predator.

LolPieRofl | 11

#5322466 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:31

What if it was a male kitty, then its a devils threesome! :0

Catkam623 | 27

#5322757 - Monday 14 January 2013 3:37

Aww man male kitty played with OP's hacky sacs that can't feel right.

By Jeffo193 | 13

#5322260 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

You were in bed with two pussies...definitely a threesome ;-)

smartman136 | 8

#5322267 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:24

Technically on the floor.

Jeffo193 | 13

#5322274 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:26

Oh, i must've misread that sentence...definitely going to get downvoted for that one...

JayFoShizzle | 4

#5322288 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:31

Gave you a sympathetic up vote Jeff, it was a funny comment regardless.

Smartdumbblonde | 27

#5322326 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:39

You mean on the floor, right?

Roevera | 14

#5322362 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:58

#32 I think we've established that already..

Jeffo193 | 13

#5322372 - Sunday 13 January 2013 20:01

There are times when the world of FML comments make little sense to me...this is one of them.

dannykilljoy | 4

#5322582 - Sunday 13 January 2013 23:53

Jeff I would just go home and take a nap at this point.

Smartdumbblonde | 27

#5322641 - Monday 14 January 2013 1:17

#39 im sorry I didn't realize that someone pointed that out already, all I did was read the comment and asked a simple question.

ZombieSnoopy | 9

#5326252 - Wednesday 16 January 2013 6:36

Shes 24 down votes in that holes been dug and its about to hit China

By ICastillo | 24

#5322261 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

Well OP you're doing something right. Not everybody get to have a threesome.

FastidiousPear | 6

#5322529 - Sunday 13 January 2013 22:46

It depends on hotness. The cat might've been like a 4 at best. If it was an 8 or 9, then that's a threesome worth bragging about.

By airforce987 | 20

#5322263 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

Funniest. Mental image. Ever.

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5322649 - Monday 14 January 2013 1:37

You find odd things funny... o_O

By littlekellilee | 45

#5322264 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

I guess you're a cat person now.

randomness247 | 4

#5322518 - Sunday 13 January 2013 22:25

More like, he's a pussy person now.

Googolman | 29

#5322894 - Monday 14 January 2013 5:43

More like, he's an ailurophile now.

By JustAGirlOnFML | 11

#5322265 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:24

Soft kitty
Warm kitty
Little ball of fur
Happy kitty
Sleepy kitty
Won't you feel my balls

TheDeafWalrus | 8

#5322289 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:31

I applaud you my good sir.

annie_nk | 22

#5322300 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:33

Soft kitty, Warm kitty. Little ball of fluff. Happy kitty. Sleepy kitty. Playing with my stuff.

JustAGirlOnFML | 11

#5322319 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:37

That's nice of you, but I am not a sir.

LolFMLnot | 10

#5322386 - Sunday 13 January 2013 20:12

21 her username is "JustAGirlOnFmL".

onorexveritas | 23

#5322501 - Sunday 13 January 2013 22:03

I applaud you GirlOnFML xD

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5322651 - Monday 14 January 2013 1:39

I think you just ruined that song for me. It's a shame I just ordered the shirt :(

Catkam623 | 27

#5322762 - Monday 14 January 2013 3:41

I ordered soft woodie but suddenly I feel the need for soft kitty warm kitty little ball of fur happy kitty please don't claw my balls pur pur pur

Catkam623 | 27

#5322871 - Monday 14 January 2013 5:09

*wookie (from skippys list),

naduskalove | 3

#5324168 - Tuesday 15 January 2013 0:04

Oh my God !!! I laughed so hard! Thank you for this epic comment !!

By nycwrestler | 17

#5322266 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:24

Twice the pussy, twice the fun.

By rivaraven | 35

#5322269 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:25

If that's what you're in to..

By martin_martian7 | 11

#5322271 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:25

Can it get any better? (:

By perdix | 29

#5322272 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:25

Reminds me of that book, "Final Threesome," by Claude Balls.

Enslaved | 36

#5322470 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:34

Well, it reminds me of--

Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both ass naked, banging on the. . .
BATHROOM FLOOR!

(psst it wasn't me)

21jason | 9

#5322483 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:43

You got the lyrics all messed up

Enslaved | 36

#5322490 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:52

There's a few-- but I guess you like the "butt" one.