Intimacy: Today, while having sex with my girlfriend on the bathroom floor,...

By Drewbie - United States - Park City

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend on the bathroom floor, I felt something tickle my balls. I looked back to see her sister's kitten getting in on the action. I think I just had my first threesome. FML

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Intimacy

And today, on Dr Phil…

Mother of the year

Season finale

By tye61 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I finished a 2 hour Skype call with my girlfriend, only to realize I was using mobile data. FML

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By notafatlump

Today, I was walking home from the gym. I was thinking about how proud of myself I was for losing 34 pounds when someone yelled from a car window, "Look at that fat lump!" FML

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By edavis1993 - United States - Milford

Today, my clinical instructor told me to stop being so negative, to get over myself, and to focus on nursing school. I'm only distracted because 3 days ago I was told I might have colon cancer. FML

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By hipthrustdude - Malaysia

Today, I got really excited at work over a deal I was about to close. I got up and started performing a rather obscene hip thrust only to notice a client sitting in the glass meeting room. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Wrong end of the stick

Today, while teaching my kindergarten class, I had a feeling I was starting my period again. A boy in the class asked me what a period was. Stressing over my own, I briefly told him it's a woman's time of the month when they have mood swings. He was asking about the dot at the end of a sentence. FML

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By romance sucks. - United States - Spencer

Today, my class was interrupted by flowers, balloons and chocolates. Then he sang to me a song he wrote himself. This was all for our one-year anniversary. It probably would have been the best day of my life... if I knew who he was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silverdale

Today, I had to negotiate with my husband so he would bring me toilet paper while I was on the john. His terms? A blowjob. FML

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By nannynomore - United States

Today, my boss had to leave the house for a little while. She asked me to take any messages she got. I answered the phone and lady calling said she was returning her call about the opening for a nanny position. I am the current nanny. I found out I am being fired by the new nanny. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Mom hobbies

Today, on a road trip my mom got out to walk her dog. Her jar of Marijuana fell out of the car and rolled across the parking lot. FML

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By SoDamnBroke - South Africa

Today, I secured a tender for my boss, earning her 1/4 million in profits. Today is also meant to be pay-day for us, but my boss is too busy dealing with the tender to pay her employees. So essentially, I made my boss rich while remaining broke and in debt. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2021 02:01

Receptacle

Today, I felt sick at work and tried to run to the bathroom with my hand covering my mouth, but saw a garbage can and removed my hand to let it loose. I forgot to remove my mask. FML

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By brad3720 - United States

Today, I was working as a manager of the local movie theater. This six year old came in with no parents or anyone else. When I asked him where his parents were he looked at me and said, "Shut up white boy, I don't have to listen to your shit." I just got told by a six year old. FML

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By Stiny - United States

Today, I got kneed in the stomach by a sixth grader. I couldn't breathe. I have a black belt in Taekwondo. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2021 00:01 - United States

I had no idea!

Today, I found out my ex had been writing about our relationship to Postsecret. Apparently, she'd been sorry and wanted me back if I still loved her. I have absolutely no idea what she's talking about. I left after 8 months of unreturned texts, calls, emails, and meet-ups. FML

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By fattypatty - United States

Today, it seems I do, in fact, have an addiction to food. My employer has put on a weight loss challenge with a 1000$ prize, and on day 5 of 100 I'm already lying to the calorie counting app I installed on my phone. FML

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By WhyGod

Today, I got a diaper rash from a pad. FML

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By fmlsomuch - Japan

Today, I told my mom about an article I'd seen that said people tend to make the most mistakes at 2 to 3 in the morning. Without a trace of humor in her voice, she said, "Tell me about it. You were conceived round about then." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Staten Island

No balls activity

Today, my right testicle popped out during gym class while we were running laps. The teacher saw it and said, “Put that thing away! There aren’t any balls involved in this activity!” FML

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By mark - United Kingdom

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a nice restaurant for our anniversary. Mid-way through the meal, a guy at the table across left for the restroom. My girlfriend reached over and swiped the guy's wallet from the table. My gonads went AWOL, and I couldn't even bring myself to call her out on it. FML

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By Anonymous - Virgin Islands, U.S. - Kingshill

Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, he started sucking on my breast. He ended up popping a pimple on it into his mouth. He threw up and that, as they say, was the end of that. FML

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By SmittyJA24 - United States - Lewiston

Today, my idiot sister had to have her aged dog put down, then she posts on MY Facebook page, "RIP, Buddy, we'll miss you." My adult children and most of my friends thought I died. FML

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By mastel07 - United Kingdom - Stevenage

Today, I found a very light blonde long hair on my marital bed's pillow. I confronted my husband about it and after hours of arguments and me throwing his stuff out of the house, I found another. Attached to my head. My husband isn't having an affair, I'm just going grey. FML

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By tclwj - 6/9/2020 23:01 - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Kids and their wacky crazes

Today, I bought a used SUV that had fairly dirty carpets, that got even more dirty as I drove my 2 daughters around. I got it professionally cleaned and detailed and it looks brand new, but now my daughters cry and scream as I put them in the clean car, because their favorite stain is not there anymore. FML

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By poorgirl - United States

Today, I was reminded what poverty is like when I had to choose between buying food and buying pads. Now, I have to take constant bathroom breaks and wipe off my pad. I don't get paid until after my period ends. FML

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By courtneynaked - United Arab Emirates

Today, my jeans got caught in the airport escalators. Seeing as how we couldn't get them unstuck, my mother made me take them off. FML

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By unknown - Canada - Quebec

Today, my sister was faced with the choice of getting a burger, or picking me up in a snowstorm. The burger won, and I had to travel 4km home by foot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodland

Today, my house was robbed while I was at work. The robber left a note telling me my stuff was crappy and that they found my safe under the bed. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was seeing my boyfriend for the first time in 3 weeks. I was so excited to see him that I gave him a big hug. He must have been excited to see me too, because he hugged me so tight that he squeezed a fart out of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started to seductively kiss my girlfriend on the neck. When I asked her if she liked it, she said, "Yes, because I don't have to smell your breath." FML

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By edible - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend and sent her an Edible Arrangement. When she called to tell me she had gotten it, she was more excited about the cute boy who delivered it than she was about the fruit bouquet. FML

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By offtothejobcentre - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boss put me on suspension, a week after granting a subordinate time off to recover from surgery. When I signed the paperwork, I was too embarrassed to admit I didn't understand her writing, which apparently said she was getting treated for "dangerously low levels of dick". FML

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By Anonymous - Estonia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. I tried to hide my sadness from my mom. She still noticed, and tried to cheer me up. She took me to a funeral. FML

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By fuckall - United States

Today, I worked out that if I paid the minimum monthly amount on my student loans, I'd be paying them until I'm 65. FML

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By apparentfatty - Canada

Today, I found out that my husband thinks I'm fat when I caught him slipping diet pills into my morning smoothie. FML

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By boredwithnothingtodo - Australia - Melbourne

Simple Pleasures

Today, I got a new washer and dryer set. It's sad when all you have to do at night is make popcorn and watch the clothes washing. I even invited friends over. FML

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By eyepatch - United States - Albany

Today, while I was giving a school presentation about life as an injured, deformed soldier, someone asked if the reason I wear an eyepatch is because I'm a pirate. I wouldn't have minded, had I not been presenting to high-school students. FML

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By notinterested - United States

Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML

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By DumbLackofLuck - United States

Today, I waited until the last minute to do my Christmas shopping. Today, I also discovered that my bank account has been frozen due to suspicious activity. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Frederick

Today, I didn't think getting egged was a thing anymore until I found that my car got egged. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 20:01

Clean break

Today, I simultaneously learned that fracturing your penis is a thing that can happen while my wife fractured mine in the middle of some rough reverse cowgirl. My penis is now black and blue with an almost 90 degree bend, and to make it worse the ambulance guys thought it was funny. FML

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Top comments

By deathbatchickk | 8

#5322259 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

Nothing wrong with two pussies

By JustAGirlOnFML | 11

#5322265 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:24

Soft kitty
Warm kitty
Little ball of fur
Happy kitty
Sleepy kitty
Won't you feel my balls

COMMENTS

By deathbatchickk | 8

#5322259 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

Nothing wrong with two pussies

perdix | 29

#5322285 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:30

Except when one of the pussies has teeth . . .

and the other has teeth AND retractable claws.

hellbilly205 | 17

#5322299 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:33

Doesn't matter had sex.

cradle6 | 13

#5322352 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:53

That pussy is underage.

MrBrightside21 | 20

#5322395 - Sunday 13 January 2013 20:18

I think I saw watching a video similar to what you were saying perdix.

Turns out I was just watching Predator.

LolPieRofl | 11

#5322466 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:31

What if it was a male kitty, then its a devils threesome! :0

Catkam623 | 27

#5322757 - Monday 14 January 2013 3:37

Aww man male kitty played with OP's hacky sacs that can't feel right.

By Jeffo193 | 13

#5322260 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

You were in bed with two pussies...definitely a threesome ;-)

smartman136 | 8

#5322267 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:24

Technically on the floor.

Jeffo193 | 13

#5322274 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:26

Oh, i must've misread that sentence...definitely going to get downvoted for that one...

JayFoShizzle | 4

#5322288 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:31

Gave you a sympathetic up vote Jeff, it was a funny comment regardless.

Smartdumbblonde | 27

#5322326 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:39

You mean on the floor, right?

Roevera | 14

#5322362 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:58

#32 I think we've established that already..

Jeffo193 | 13

#5322372 - Sunday 13 January 2013 20:01

There are times when the world of FML comments make little sense to me...this is one of them.

dannykilljoy | 4

#5322582 - Sunday 13 January 2013 23:53

Jeff I would just go home and take a nap at this point.

Smartdumbblonde | 27

#5322641 - Monday 14 January 2013 1:17

#39 im sorry I didn't realize that someone pointed that out already, all I did was read the comment and asked a simple question.

ZombieSnoopy | 9

#5326252 - Wednesday 16 January 2013 6:36

Shes 24 down votes in that holes been dug and its about to hit China

By ICastillo | 24

#5322261 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

Well OP you're doing something right. Not everybody get to have a threesome.

FastidiousPear | 6

#5322529 - Sunday 13 January 2013 22:46

It depends on hotness. The cat might've been like a 4 at best. If it was an 8 or 9, then that's a threesome worth bragging about.

By airforce987 | 20

#5322263 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

Funniest. Mental image. Ever.

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5322649 - Monday 14 January 2013 1:37

You find odd things funny... o_O

By littlekellilee | 45

#5322264 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:23

I guess you're a cat person now.

randomness247 | 4

#5322518 - Sunday 13 January 2013 22:25

More like, he's a pussy person now.

Googolman | 29

#5322894 - Monday 14 January 2013 5:43

More like, he's an ailurophile now.

By JustAGirlOnFML | 11

#5322265 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:24

Soft kitty
Warm kitty
Little ball of fur
Happy kitty
Sleepy kitty
Won't you feel my balls

TheDeafWalrus | 8

#5322289 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:31

I applaud you my good sir.

annie_nk | 22

#5322300 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:33

Soft kitty, Warm kitty. Little ball of fluff. Happy kitty. Sleepy kitty. Playing with my stuff.

JustAGirlOnFML | 11

#5322319 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:37

That's nice of you, but I am not a sir.

LolFMLnot | 10

#5322386 - Sunday 13 January 2013 20:12

21 her username is "JustAGirlOnFmL".

onorexveritas | 23

#5322501 - Sunday 13 January 2013 22:03

I applaud you GirlOnFML xD

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5322651 - Monday 14 January 2013 1:39

I think you just ruined that song for me. It's a shame I just ordered the shirt :(

Catkam623 | 27

#5322762 - Monday 14 January 2013 3:41

I ordered soft woodie but suddenly I feel the need for soft kitty warm kitty little ball of fur happy kitty please don't claw my balls pur pur pur

Catkam623 | 27

#5322871 - Monday 14 January 2013 5:09

*wookie (from skippys list),

naduskalove | 3

#5324168 - Tuesday 15 January 2013 0:04

Oh my God !!! I laughed so hard! Thank you for this epic comment !!

By nycwrestler | 17

#5322266 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:24

Twice the pussy, twice the fun.

By rivaraven | 35

#5322269 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:25

If that's what you're in to..

By martin_martian7 | 11

#5322271 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:25

Can it get any better? (:

By perdix | 29

#5322272 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:25

Reminds me of that book, "Final Threesome," by Claude Balls.

Enslaved | 36

#5322470 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:34

Well, it reminds me of--

Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both ass naked, banging on the. . .
BATHROOM FLOOR!

(psst it wasn't me)

21jason | 9

#5322483 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:43

You got the lyrics all messed up

Enslaved | 36

#5322490 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:52

There's a few-- but I guess you like the "butt" one.