Today, my Spanish teacher told me that the reason the girl I'm...

By Hi, I'm Heather - 1/10/2014 02:05 - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my Spanish teacher told me that the reason the girl I'm tutoring hasn't contacted me yet is because she emailed the teacher saying she didn't like my name, therefore she didn't want me to be her tutor. FML

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Miscellaneous

Thanks, I'm cured!

Basic Instinct

Tense

By talkssuck - 30/3/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I was hooking up with my girlfriend when her dad knocked on the clear door that leads to the room. About 5 minutes later both of her parents came in to give us the "talk" which included the first time her parents did it. In detail. FML

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By jasmine - 23/8/2019 04:00

Today, I found out the hard way, that yes, a condom can break. Also, that sometimes when it does, your boyfriend won't say anything until you start having morning sickness. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2020 08:04 - United States

Worldstar! Worldstar!

Today, I went to buy some flowers for the anniversary of my grandpa's death. I was feeling sad as I finished paying, but as soon as I got near the exit, two women started fighting at the door. We had to wait for the fight to finish because the staff decided to record it and not break it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2012 01:49 - United States

Today, I was out on a dinner date when suddenly a girl walks up to us and says to my date, "Girl, you can do so much better." Hearing this, my date looks at me, nods, gets up and walks off. I still had to pay for everything. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 08:00

Not so special

Today, the guy I've been dating and sleeping with told me he is also dating another woman, but that they only kiss. I was under the impression we were exclusive for two months now, since I told him if we slept together that it would be. FML

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By crazycatlady - 4/2/2017 20:00 - United States - Charlotte

Rescue cat

Today, my cat fell into the toilet, and I had to save him. I now have a soggy cat and scratched arms. FML

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By Mike - 25/4/2011 21:39

Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML

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By guessnot - 4/2/2013 02:16 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the guy that I've liked for a while but never had the courage to talk to was wearing a TARDIS shirt. I jokingly asked, "Are you the Doctor?" His response was for me to "Go away, f***ing nerd." FML

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By fuglymug - 8/1/2016 21:48 - United States - Appleton

Today, I played charades with my girlfriend and her family. When it was her turn to act out a phrase, she simply walked to the center of the room and pointed to herself and then at me. It took less than 5 seconds for someone to correctly guess "Beauty and the Beast". FML

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By Angela17 - 24/10/2018 05:00

Today, it's 3:42am and my son is crying because I won't let him play with his dirty diaper. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2012 23:19 - United States - Topeka

Today, my roommate thought it would be funny to throw a brick down the laundry-chute. Guess who spent the night at the hospital. FML

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By Shame - 19/9/2012 20:22 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend had a bitch fit at me because I laughed at her idea of getting the Cullen family tree tattooed on her back. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2014 16:38 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I had my first job interview after three years of unemployment. I was so happy that I broke down into tears the moment I saw the interviewer. Great first impression. FML

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By MissedTheBoat - 14/4/2013 07:28 - Canada - Calgary

Today, when I was talking to my younger brother, he suddenly said "Oh, I was supposed to tell you that there's this girl who has a huge crush on you!" I asked who and he answered, "I totally forgot her name, that was like 2 months ago." FML

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By Pooperscooper - 20/7/2009 18:45 - France

Today, I learned when you're babysitting a 5 year old, and you hear the toilet flush and then the words "uh oh", it's already too late. FML

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By Clumsy & Forgetful - 27/11/2011 06:02 - Canada

Today, I found out why I'm always let off easy when I do something wrong at work. They think I have a mental handicap. I don't. I'm just clumsy and forgetful. FML

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By iloveretail - 8/8/2016 19:14 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, a woman threatened to stab my eyes out because I wouldn't let her into the shop I closed and locked up half an hour ago. FML

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By thesixth - 2/3/2016 18:53 - Kenya

Today, being jobless and all, I tried calling my dad for a job after my many years of pride. He invited me to an interview to compete against 10 people, probably more qualified than I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2011 23:16 - United States

Today, my fiancé nervously sat me down for a "serious chat". The chat wound up with him asking if we could postpone our wedding, because his World of Warcraft guild had a raid scheduled for the same day. FML

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By ThanksAsshole - 28/3/2020 20:00

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, I got fired from a business I ran for almost 6 years. Why? The new owner refuses to close, despite our governor ordering non-essential businesses to close, and for people to stay home. I told her I wasn’t comfortable working, and that it was technically illegal. So she fired me in a group chat. FML

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By stillfuckingcrying - 24/2/2013 21:20 - Sweden - Kristdala

Today, my boyfriend made me play Slender. I was so terrified, I stopped playing 10 minutes in. Tonight, I kept hearing noises outside. When I peered out through the window, a bald figure in a suit was staring back at me. I shrieked in absolute terror; he burst out laughing. It was my boyfriend. FML

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By greg - 14/2/2018 01:30

Today, my mother sued me for whiplash in a car accident that was her fault. She screamed to stop so I slammed on the brakes and the car behind ran into us. It wasn't an emergency; she just thought she saw her friend at the bus stop. It wasn't even her. FML

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By Cate - 5/11/2009 10:25 - Australia

Today, I've had no sleep. Why? Because my housemate has a new girlfriend and the walls are too thin. After round three of them shagging, I was exhausted from holding my breath each time the new girlfriend screamed. I also realised that was the closest I'd been to sex in months. FML

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By gp28 - 18/2/2010 20:08 - United States

Today, I woke up to hear my boyfriend drunkenly crashing around in the living room, after peeing in an ashtray because he thought it was a urinal. FML

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By MommaAnnie - 2/5/2013 15:59 - United States - Overland Park

Today, I learned my husband has what he calls "grumpy wife sex" specifically to cheer me up. I don't know if I'm more annoyed that he casually mentioned it after we've been together for 10 years, or that it actually works. FML

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By escortedout - 23/10/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, I was at a movie theater. I heard some obnoxious people talking in front of me. After about 5 minutes, I began throwing popcorn at a group of suspected people. As I was escorted out, I realized that the obnoxious people were in the background of the movie. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2016 13:38 - United States

Today, the coach bus I was riding almost crashed. I was using the restroom at the time. The bus braked so hard, I peed all over the wall and splashed my shirt. Nobody wanted to sit anywhere near me after that. FML

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By Jigll - 13/10/2008 08:26

Today, during my beloved's birthday party, I had so much to drink that I puked all over the room. FML

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By crappygirlfriend - 10/1/2010 07:59 - United States

Today, I was trying to show my boyfriend how to shake my iPod to shuffle songs. When I went to shake it, it flew out of my hand and hit him in the face. FML

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By anon - 6/5/2015 12:50 - United States - Lawrence

Today, I finally reached the point where it became necessary to give my boyfriend an ultimatum: either clip your toenails, or we aren't having sex. FML

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By Gale - 13/1/2009 15:01 - United States

Today, I threw a rock in the air and watched it soar. And watched it come back down and hit me in the face. Gravity. FML

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By hard work doesn't work - 13/3/2015 06:21 - United States - Irving

Today, I found out that the reason I didn't get the job that I have been working my butt off for over a year for is because they can't find anybody who can do my current job as good as me. I am too good to be promoted. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2017 18:00

Today, my wife is threatening divorce because I won't hire her son, my stepson, at the company I work at. Even the lowest position at my company requires a degree in computing, and prior experience. My stepson dropped out of high school to "discover himself" 12 years ago. FML

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By raz - 2/10/2012 00:11 - United States - Fargo

Today, a woman stopped me and started chewing me out for wearing a pentagram necklace. I explained to her that is wasn't a pentagram, it was a Star of David. She continued chewing me out because apparently that still means I hate Jesus. FML

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By Username - 16/9/2011 16:26 - United States

Today, I went to lunch with my sister. As the waitress was bringing our food, she dropped it on the floor. She apologized and brought us new food. After we finished eating and I looked at the bill, I noticed she'd charged us twice. FML

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By TedX - 19/8/2020 20:07

Denial

Today, at 18, I finally told my mom I was gay. She spent the rest of the day bringing up my "future wife" at every possible chance she had. FML

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By raebelle - 2/6/2011 17:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went shooting. While I was showing him how to properly hold and adjust a rifle, he accidentally pulled the trigger. The gun kicked back and hit me in the face, breaking my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2010 06:24 - United Arab Emirates

Today, this guy I've been "seeing" for a year said he didn't want to share my birthday with me because he doesn't want us to get serious. FML

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By Andrew - 20/4/2011 16:31 - United States

Today, I tried to get my wife to have sex with me, she told me she couldn't because she had her period. She's two months pregnant. FML

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By poops - 27/1/2010 03:14 - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend and her best friend compare the dumps they take to common transportation. They comment about it on each others facebook page. My girlfriend's last one was apparently a 'coach bus'. FML

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Top comments

By packrat | 26

#6078348 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:33

O dear... That is one excuse to be lazy I haven't heard before.

By bombielol | 20

#6078355 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:40

lol what a dumb girl.. no wonder she needs tutoring.

COMMENTS

By Riku714 | 25

#6078347 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:32

that sucks

Sandsh8rk | 36

#6078351 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:36

Too desperate for the first comment, eh?

peacheso | 31

#6078352 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:36

I'm sure there's a button for that somewhere.

Rinat_fml | 26

#6078359 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:46

FU for ruining the 1st comment!

By packrat | 26

#6078348 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:33

O dear... That is one excuse to be lazy I haven't heard before.

sayyestothedress | 24

#6078468 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 13:04

That's a first

justtheotherguy | 12

#6078537 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 15:25

Maybe she actually broke your name down : HEATHER = HEAT her

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6078709 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 20:58

Did you happen to tutor her cousin who tried selling weed for pesos?...

orbit | 22

#6078724 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 21:22

Succeed* in selling weed for pesos.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6079080 - Thursday 2 October 2014 8:33

succeeded**

By bombielol | 20

#6078355 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:40

lol what a dumb girl.. no wonder she needs tutoring.

By Jenniesaurus | 14

#6078360 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:48

That's absolutely ridiculous. How can she get out of tutoring just because of that? My tutor for maths was called Mrs Ramsbottom, couldn't tell the school I didn't like HER name!

foxwasalamb | 24

#6078742 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 22:06

i had a teacher, mrs heine. which was pronounced "hiney"

PoisonOrchid | 21

#6078963 - Thursday 2 October 2014 4:40

9th grade geometry...Mr. Jack Hoffman.

By cocacola999 | 27

#6078361 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:48

Maybe you should be glad you don't have to tutor her.. I can't imagine the actual level of stupid there.

By xlord | 27

#6078365 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:49

Change your name to
#3P!cTuT0R453
I'm sure that would interest all these internet savvy young ins.

mccrightp | 29

#6078951 - Thursday 2 October 2014 4:18

And it's pronounced Smyth-Westcot.

By ssjfml | 12

#6078371 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 11:02

Maybe Heather means something terrible in Spanish?

BSnapZ | 21

#6078503 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 14:12

#12 A quick trip to Google could have answered that question for you.

brand125 | 17

#6078689 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 20:44

not to mention if the person needed tutoring in thay area they probably wouldnt know if it was

speckledots | 29

#6078753 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 22:32

There are a lot of meanings for Heather. it's a color, a flower, a medication. it comes no where near offensive.

MaxCrack | 2

#6078861 - Thursday 2 October 2014 1:15

I got that it was joke anyway.

By worldclassrager | 39

#6078372 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 11:04

Couldn't she just call you Ms. [insert last name here]

Unless that's not her forte either

worldclassrager | 39

#6078655 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 19:41

I know but with a name dislike it seems like a working antidote

By fleur_de_fevrier_fml | 22

#6078407 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 11:40

Well looks like that girl is places, not college, but places...

cinskeep43 | 15

#6078498 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 14:05

I would hope she is not a college....

skittle_QUEEN_YO | 15

#6079798 - Friday 3 October 2014 10:23

Being a college isnt easy, so many people inside you...(shivers)

By Mirorbo | 26

#6078418 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 11:50

Maybe she's one of those idiots that thinks that because you don't have a Spanish sounding name, you're not qualifies to tutor her.

Mirorbo | 26

#6078436 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 12:09

And of course leave it to my tired self to typo and not notice until it's to late. *qualified

Mirorbo | 26

#6078437 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 12:12

Fucking hell! *too
I quit!

Toolishing | 22

#6078451 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 12:37

Oh well!

Steffi | 26

#6078515 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 14:51

Hmmm, maybe