Miscellaneous: Today, my Spanish teacher told me that the reason the girl I'm...

By Hi, I'm Heather - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my Spanish teacher told me that the reason the girl I'm tutoring hasn't contacted me yet is because she emailed the teacher saying she didn't like my name, therefore she didn't want me to be her tutor. FML

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Miscellaneous

BO Central

And today, on Dr Phil…

Toxic parents

By - Australia - Melbourne

Today, like everyday, I have to ignore the mould in the bathroom, cat shit stuck to the dining room floor, and dirty dishes in the kitchen courtesy of my never-cleaning sister, but today she bitched at me for being gross and unhygenic for double dipping the ice-cream tub, and everyone agreed. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went into work with the mentality that all of my ass-busting work was going to result in me finally being promoted to manager. We had a site meeting. The entire building is being laid off because Apple cut our contract. Yay, I'm out of a job. I hate Apple. FML

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By J - United States - Englewood

Today, I heard from multiple people that my girlfriend called me a dumbass because I apparently sent her "Good Morning" twice. We aren't even three full days into the relationship. FML

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By KayEffEh - Canada - Georgetown

Today, my girlfriend admitted that she "probably wasn't even sober" when I asked her out and she said yes. Our almost 2-year relationship is the longest drunken mistake ever. FML

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By EmBAREassed - United States

Today, I was walking around Walmart feeling pretty good about myself as I received numerous looks from guys in passing. All of a sudden a man approached me to tell me that my dress was extremely see-through. And, since I was wearing a thong, he and everyone else could totally see my ass. FML

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By Highschoolisover!

Today, a good friend refuses to speak to me because she found out that I slept with her husband. It happened twelve years before they met. FML

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By Anonymous - Lithuania - Prienai

Today, my psycho and now ex-girlfriend accused me of cheating on her with my own mother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, my drunk dad told me I'm smart enough that any guy could overlook the fact that I'm fat, but not smart enough that they could overlook how ugly I am. Gee, thanks. FML

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By Fairymyass - United Kingdom

Today, an argument broke out between me, my girlfriend, and her sister. They were trying to convince me that not only were fairies real, but there were "scientific facts" that "prove" their existence. My girlfriend's 20 and her sister teaches primary school. FML

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By habbsrule - Canada

Today, I was joking around with my eight-year-old son. I told him to pull my finger. I farted, then laughed. He decided to try it on his mother. When she pulled his finger, he crapped his pants. He told her I taught him how to do it. FML

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By SleepyKirsty - United Kingdom

Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. FML

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By SlowPacker - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my family informed me that we were going on a 10 hour road trip to my cousin's wedding. They only decided to tell me 45 minutes before we left for said road trip. FML

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By DanniRae - United States

Today, my mom was helping me clean out stuff from college. She opened a box and took out some anal beads I got as a gag gift. She asked, "What are these?" I answered, "They are for massaging your back". She then insisted I show her. I massaged my mother with anal beads. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after getting an expensive haircut, I showed it to my boyfriend. Instead of saying, "Wow, those bangs look great on you" he said, "Wow, you look really good when you don't show your forehead." FML

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By cmerr - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, "April Fool's!" It's March 19th. FML

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By Justwantedathankyou - United States - Loudon

Today, I noticed that an SUV forgot to put their gas cap back on, so I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention. They slammed on their brakes, causing me to rear-end them. So much for good karma. FML

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By Geezum Crow

Today, I found out my school's financial aid had a "misunderstanding" of my finances, I can no longer afford to pay half of my bills or pay for Christmas. FML

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2621

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By oconron - United States

Today, I put my picture into a celebrity look alike website. The three matches that came up were Barbra Streisand, Hillary Clinton, and Boy George. I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML

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By JimmyT - Norway - Bergen

Today, while mopping floors at the police station, an inmate pissed on the floor, demanded that I suck his dick, begged me for a glass of water and finally informed me that he would kill my family. I said nothing and he started weeping softly. I laughed, but slipped in his piss and broke my arm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

I'm sitting right here

Today, I got my nails done at a salon where everyone working there was Vietnamese. During my manicure, the manicurists talked about how ugly I was in their native tongue. They couldn't have known that I'd lived in Vietnam and I'm fluent in Vietnamese, but too chickenshit to speak up. FML

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By anonomys - Canada

Today, my husband compared me to his parents' dog. Why? Because when I sleep, I fart and scare myself awake. Just like his parents' dog. FML

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By poordog - United States

Today, my best friend was texting me about her sick dog. She wrote "Do you think she will get better?", so I wrote "I hope she does". It wasn't until later that I realized I accidentally wrote "I hope she dies" instead. FML

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By sorry :/ - United States - Monroe Township

Today, my drunk mom told me to apologize for being born. FML

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By shea234 - United States

Today, I tried to find myself a friend on Craigslist. FML

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By fired tomoz - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, I woke up to a text from my manager, saying "Hed's up dude, ur gettin fired tomoz. CEO's pissed. No hard feelins m8". Great. FML

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By fastfingers409 - United States

Today, at a concert, I noticed a cute keytarist in one of the bands. After they got off stage, I asked their bass player if she was single. He replied, "actually, she's married," holding up his left hand, he continued, "to me." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend's car broke down on the way to the gym, so he called his dad to give us a ride. On the way, his dad talked about how much he hates me and our relationship, as if I wasn’t sitting in the back seat directly behind them. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while on a family Disney world vacation, I saw a kid shitting on a public bathroom's floor. It was my kid. He's 10. FML

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By grrr1234

Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to live with her father because they have a faster internet connection. FML

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31577

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By suckstosuck - United States - Dana Point

Today, I was getting freaky with my boyfriend and told him to spank me. In a seductive voice, he told me not to tell him what to do. Continuing, I asked him how he was going to punish me, to which he then replied, "I'm going to punch you straight in the face." FML

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By Scarlett - United States

Today, my husband got out of the shower, came downstairs naked screaming ''EMBRACE THE HARDNESS!!'' Little did he know, my step mother was sitting right there at the kitchen table. FML

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By dumbass for a flatmate - Australia - Sydney

Today, my roommate told me that she wants to get some of those "My Family" stickers for her car. She's single and has no children. What does she want to get? One for her, and one for her goldfish. Sadly, this is probably one of the most intelligent things she's said all week. FML

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29251

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By HM - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I invited a guy I've been crushing on for ages to my house, and I really wanted to make a good impression. We were sitting in the living room having drinks when my cat came in, dragging a pair of my dirty underwear and dropped them right in front of us. FML

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By sleeper - France

Today, I was on the train when I fell asleep. Everything would have been fine but I was suddenly jerked awake by the very loud sound of my own fart, followed by the stares of many strangers. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Talk about not getting the picture…

Today, I finally worked up the courage to break up with my boyfriend. His parents weren't able to pick him up for 5 hours. I ended up taking him to a movie to kill time and end on a positive note, but now he thinks we're cool and back on track. FML

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6366

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I was listening to some Michael Jackson through my earphones when I saw this really cute girl. Trying to impress, I aproached her while doing some dance moves, not thinking about how unbelievably stupid it must have looked without the music. FML

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9246

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By sasquatch - United States - Katonah

Today, my boyfriend requested that I shave my lips so I spent an hour in the shower carefully removing every trace of pubic hair. Turns out he wanted me to shave my moustache, not my carpet. FML

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By erika - United States

Today, I got a sunburn all over my stomach from a tanning bed. In an attempt to relieve the itching, I looked up natural treatments since we have no aloe. After trying yogurt, milk and mayo I found out that our water was shut off so the shower could be fixed. I now reek of mayo and milk. FML

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By socialix - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I poured my heart out to my girlfriend with a serenade. After I finished, she told me she'd come over to tell me she'd found someone else and wanted to break up. FML

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By AK-47 - United States - Farmington

Today, I dropped my phone in the toilet in a public restroom. That would have been bad enough, without the guy in the next stall saying, "Jesus! What the hell did you eat?!" FML

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Top comments

By packrat | 26

#6078348 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:33

O dear... That is one excuse to be lazy I haven't heard before.

By bombielol | 20

#6078355 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:40

lol what a dumb girl.. no wonder she needs tutoring.

COMMENTS

By Riku714 | 25

#6078347 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:32

that sucks

Sandsh8rk | 36

#6078351 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:36

Too desperate for the first comment, eh?

peacheso | 31

#6078352 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:36

I'm sure there's a button for that somewhere.

Rinat_fml | 26

#6078359 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:46

FU for ruining the 1st comment!

By packrat | 26

#6078348 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:33

O dear... That is one excuse to be lazy I haven't heard before.

sayyestothedress | 24

#6078468 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 13:04

That's a first

justtheotherguy | 12

#6078537 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 15:25

Maybe she actually broke your name down : HEATHER = HEAT her

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6078709 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 20:58

Did you happen to tutor her cousin who tried selling weed for pesos?...

orbit | 22

#6078724 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 21:22

Succeed* in selling weed for pesos.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6079080 - Thursday 2 October 2014 8:33

succeeded**

By bombielol | 20

#6078355 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:40

lol what a dumb girl.. no wonder she needs tutoring.

By Jenniesaurus | 14

#6078360 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:48

That's absolutely ridiculous. How can she get out of tutoring just because of that? My tutor for maths was called Mrs Ramsbottom, couldn't tell the school I didn't like HER name!

foxwasalamb | 24

#6078742 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 22:06

i had a teacher, mrs heine. which was pronounced "hiney"

PoisonOrchid | 21

#6078963 - Thursday 2 October 2014 4:40

9th grade geometry...Mr. Jack Hoffman.

By cocacola999 | 27

#6078361 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:48

Maybe you should be glad you don't have to tutor her.. I can't imagine the actual level of stupid there.

By xlord | 27

#6078365 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 10:49

Change your name to
#3P!cTuT0R453
I'm sure that would interest all these internet savvy young ins.

mccrightp | 29

#6078951 - Thursday 2 October 2014 4:18

And it's pronounced Smyth-Westcot.

By ssjfml | 12

#6078371 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 11:02

Maybe Heather means something terrible in Spanish?

BSnapZ | 21

#6078503 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 14:12

#12 A quick trip to Google could have answered that question for you.

brand125 | 17

#6078689 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 20:44

not to mention if the person needed tutoring in thay area they probably wouldnt know if it was

speckledots | 29

#6078753 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 22:32

There are a lot of meanings for Heather. it's a color, a flower, a medication. it comes no where near offensive.

MaxCrack | 2

#6078861 - Thursday 2 October 2014 1:15

I got that it was joke anyway.

By worldclassrager | 39

#6078372 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 11:04

Couldn't she just call you Ms. [insert last name here]

Unless that's not her forte either

worldclassrager | 39

#6078655 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 19:41

I know but with a name dislike it seems like a working antidote

By fleur_de_fevrier_fml | 22

#6078407 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 11:40

Well looks like that girl is places, not college, but places...

cinskeep43 | 15

#6078498 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 14:05

I would hope she is not a college....

skittle_QUEEN_YO | 15

#6079798 - Friday 3 October 2014 10:23

Being a college isnt easy, so many people inside you...(shivers)

By Mirorbo | 26

#6078418 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 11:50

Maybe she's one of those idiots that thinks that because you don't have a Spanish sounding name, you're not qualifies to tutor her.

Mirorbo | 26

#6078436 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 12:09

And of course leave it to my tired self to typo and not notice until it's to late. *qualified

Mirorbo | 26

#6078437 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 12:12

Fucking hell! *too
I quit!

Toolishing | 22

#6078451 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 12:37

Oh well!

Steffi | 26

#6078515 - Wednesday 1 October 2014 14:51

Hmmm, maybe