The Top

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By Anonymous - 24/08/2012 21:10 - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, a baseball bat fell on my head while my boyfriend and I were cuddling. The same baseball bat that he keeps next to the bed, because he genuinely fears a zombie outbreak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 239

You deserved it 3 879

By Anonymous - 21/06/2013 09:04 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, after cricket training, the homeless man that lives in the drain next to the nets threw a beer bottle full of piss at me for rejecting him for a date last week. I ducked; it sailed through my car’s open window and smashed all over the seats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 330

You deserved it 4 881

Knackered and shattered

By Out of Shape - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Egypt

Today, I decided to start exercising. I almost passed out five minutes into the warm up, and couldn't even stand in the shower afterwards. I'm only 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 136

You deserved it 35 900

By Inkabadger - 20/11/2009 18:41 - Canada

Spicy

Today, since we hadn't been romantic for a long time, I shaved, took a bath, cut my hair and snuggled up to my husband in bed. He got up, went to the computer, masturbated to porn, came back to bed and asked me what was for breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 156

You deserved it 4 103

By Metime - 05/11/2009 04:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 681

You deserved it 33 518

Idiots on bikes

By Anonymous - 09/05/2012 18:50 - United States - Castle Rock

Today, as I pulled to a halt at a stop sign, a cyclist ripped through the air, slammed straight into my fender, and almost launched over my car. I ended up being cited for reckless driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 845

You deserved it 2 335

Brain fart

By jonjon - 13/06/2010 13:16 - United States

Today, after spending the evening with friends, I went home and realized that the living room light was on. Thinking someone was robbing me, I hid behind a bush. I got impatient and crept up to the door. Then I remembered that I'd left the light on before I left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 966

You deserved it 47 339

Bodyguards

By Anon - 18/12/2013 09:56 - United States - Paso Robles

Today, I had to pee during a supervised lockdown. I asked my teacher to take me since we couldn't be in the halls alone. Since class was going, she couldn't take me. Much to my dismay, she sent a school-wide email asking for someone to take me to pee. Six teachers took me, including my principal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 517

You deserved it 5 256

At least someone's happy…

By reckless182 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to tell my 10 year-old son that his father and I are getting a divorce. His reply? "Yes! I call living with dad!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 685

You deserved it 13 574

Eat the rich

By DimeShapedBruise - 24/09/2013 06:14 - United States - Beaverton

Today, some asshat chewed me out over a 10 cent late fine he was charged on his library card. When I tried to explain the fine to him, he started mimicking me. Finally, as he chucked a dime at my head before storming out, I saw the glint of a Rolex watch from beneath his power suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 873

You deserved it 3 147

Great timing

By wideeyeddays - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Pasadena

Today, my dad thought it was a great idea to text me and say he'd had to put our dog down. I was in the middle of class and still had hours left at school. It's not fun to walk across campus holding back tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 227

You deserved it 1 703

By Anonymous - 02/11/2014 19:47 - Australia - Werribee

Today, I woke up to my 7 year old son angrily trying to smother me with a pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 007

You deserved it 4 775

By Arthurie - 24/07/2012 23:44 - United States - Plainview

Today, I was in the hospital. I had recently broken my arm, and had to have it re-broken. I've secretly been a lesbian for years. Guess who came out to her strict Christian parents while on anesthetics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 131

You deserved it 5 168

Not cool

By no I've never asked for anal - 20/09/2015 13:44 - United States - Buffalo

Spicy

Today, after weeks of my girlfriend constantly mentioning pegging and asking me to let her do it, I caved and figured I might as well stand by my "try anything once" rule. Her response? Saying she knew I was gay all along and dumping me. The fuck? FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 132

You deserved it 3 805

By Username - 08/07/2011 20:02 - United States

Today, I noticed a woman struggling to work a parking meter, so I went over to help. She took one look at me before screaming, hitting me in the face, and running back to her car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 230

You deserved it 3 615

By leprechaun23 - 23/04/2012 04:21 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I taught my friend how to use a staple gun. She taught me how to get staples out of my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 309

You deserved it 4 322

By Anonymous - 29/03/2009 19:08 - United States

Today, I went to Walgreen's for a tub of Vaseline. The old guy at the counter looked at me, winked, and said, "Not having too much luck with the ladies, eh?" He was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 092

You deserved it 13 989

By anon - 16/02/2014 12:56 - Australia - Kingston

Today, I needed to borrow money from my girlfriend. I went into her bag and pulled out the money all while a lady watched me open-mouthed. Turns out it wasn't my girlfriend's bag. It belonged to the lady watching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 516

You deserved it 20 202

By wtf - 01/05/2015 22:57 - United States - Elkhart

Today, my husband wants me to apologize for getting angry when his father told me I'm getting so fat that I look like a whale. I'm not fat, I'm just 8 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 275

You deserved it 3 211

By maxedoutidiot - 13/12/2012 02:14 - United States

Today, my drunk girlfriend maxed out my credit card, on an "authentic" Jesus Christ autograph on eBay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 909

You deserved it 5 393

WTF roomie?

By JN5SLK - 08/11/2013 22:29 - United States - Salt Lake City

Spicy

Today, I walked into my dorm room, only to witness my roommate shaving her vag over my trashcan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 116

You deserved it 4 655

Terms of service

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my grandma called me spoiled, materialistic, and Americanized for reminding her that she can flush the toilet after she uses it. The family now has a "three pee, one poo" minimum before we're allowed to flush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 666

You deserved it 1 702

By shadyladyhh - 09/09/2014 21:00 - United States

Today, a middle-aged customer tried to pay for a $2 ice cream bar with a credit card. It was declined, so he made me swipe it again. Declined. "Quit touching the metal strip," he scowled. I held the outer edge of it and swiped. Declined. He then bitched me out as his mother paid for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 497

You deserved it 3 302

shadyladyhh tells us more.

shadyladyhh 11

Wednesday 10 September 2014 0:55

Then the mom bought him another one 15 minutes later. Sugar free ones cost a little more, so she was mad about that too.

By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 08:00 - Australia

Spicy

Today, after much thought and serious consideration, I nervously admitted to my boyfriend that I'm bisexual. The first thing that he said in response was: "Want a threesome?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 587

You deserved it 40 997

Make it so

By MissArizona - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my dad shaved his head. This wouldn't be so bad if he didn't expect me to address him as "Captain Picard" 24/7 now. He won't answer me otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 967

You deserved it 4 134

By LonelyFrog - 13/04/2009 15:41 - United States

Today, I called my favorite radio station over and over, trying to be the 40th caller to win sold-out concert tickets, each time holding my thumb over the button to quickly hang up and re-dial if busy. I finally got through and they congratulated me being the winning caller! By habit, I hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 995

You deserved it 79 252

LonelyFrog tells us more.

LonelyFrog 0

Wednesday 15 April 2009 23:03

Wow, a couple hate messages in here. Yes it happened, it was for Depeche Mode Release tickets for house of blues on 4/21 and I never said there was no screener. It was the screener that said "congratulations, you're the winning caller" So no busy signal, not even a single ring, just an answer. I was spoken to, but before he could say anything else, I was so excited, my reflexes just hit the end button where my thumb was and it was over. Yes, stupid me, nerves, excitement, motor reflexes whatever. Lost the tickets and someone else got them. End of story. I bought two tickets for August now. $110 each

Cough up

By xerrika - 03/06/2014 11:56 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I finally finished a drawing that someone had asked and said they would pay me for. I worked on it for multiple hours and was very proud of it. When it came to discussing payment, I asked what his best offer was. A pack of cigarettes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 782

You deserved it 8 953

By MaggotMother - 20/04/2013 10:51 - United States

Today, I learned what live maggots in chocolate cake taste like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 512

You deserved it 7 610

Arrest them!

By chris - 14/06/2011 05:10 - United States

Today, I saw my bike locked outside a Starbucks down the street from my house. It was stolen about 10 days ago from my communal laundry room. There was even a cop parked across the street, but I have no proof to show that bike even belonged to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 914

You deserved it 3 873

By namhtor - 28/09/2009 19:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, my little sister asked what masturbation was. We were having a family dinner with my grandparents. My mother then said, "Why don't you ask your brother? He is a pro." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 538

You deserved it 6 759

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The Top

The Top

Today, at work, it was so windy that it started taking the door off its hinges. The door now won't close all the way. I can't leave until someone comes to fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 753

You deserved it 363

Today, I thought it would be fun to drive into a stack of some empty cardboard boxes on my street. They weren't empty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 124

You deserved it 57 491

Today, I sold a dresser on OfferUp. When I arrive at the customer’s house to deliver it and discussed the payment, she got upset and called me a selfish, greedy bitch because she’s a "single mom on food stamps." She berated me to the point of tears. I left without getting my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 954

You deserved it 678

Today, I narrowly avoided shooting myself in the foot with a nail gun. I considered myself the luckiest guy ever, until I stepped on a plank with another nail sticking out of it, which went right through my foot. Oh well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 196

You deserved it 799

Today, my dog has a better social life than I do. He has more playdates scheduled than I have actual human plans this month. I'm officially my dog's social secretary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 399

You deserved it 225

Today, I found out that the landscaper my wife hired on my behalf wasn't kidding when he said he was going to trim my wife's bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 928

You deserved it 3 058