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Make it stop

By whatzthehell - 03/06/2009 10:31 - Kuwait

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. Then someone at work wouldn't stop whistling loudly and it was getting on my nerves. "Can the dick who is whistling please stop?" I asked. It was the general manager of my department. I'm still on probation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 647

You deserved it 51 468

Weird request, but OK

By sigh - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Medford

Today, my daughter told me that when she dies, she'd like her ashes spread on her laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 825

You deserved it 3 720

Busted

By douchetard - 26/03/2009 07:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, I met my girlfriend's very religious parents for dinner. Somehow we got to talking about her groin hernias that were repaired as a baby. I never knew she had hernias repaired and said, "But she doesn't have any scars down there." There was a long awkward silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 577

You deserved it 134 765

By Anonymous - 17/07/2010 20:31 - United States

Today, I was looking for a parking spot and finally found one. Trying to figure out if the spot was legal, I asked a cop that had pulled up. He said it was fine. I came back 3 hours later to a parking ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 001

You deserved it 4 010

By stillfuckingcrying - 24/02/2013 21:20 - Sweden - Kristdala

Today, my boyfriend made me play Slender. I was so terrified, I stopped playing 10 minutes in. Tonight, I kept hearing noises outside. When I peered out through the window, a bald figure in a suit was staring back at me. I shrieked in absolute terror; he burst out laughing. It was my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 873

You deserved it 5 632

By Official_Person - 02/06/2010 21:31 - United States

Today, I got married. My new husband wanted to carry me over the threshold of our apartment, but he couldn't pick me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 049

You deserved it 31 150

By hatecolin - 10/09/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, I was driving my new car home when I came around a sharp turn to see a groundhog in the road. I kindly stopped and allowed it to cross when all of the sudden a car slammed into the back of mine. Then, another car went flying around us. That car hit and killed the groundhog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 830

You deserved it 12 979

By jolene11 - 17/05/2010 02:24 - United States

Today, I found out my husband doesn't love me. At all. He told me this while playing Call of Duty with his friends with his microphone on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 756

You deserved it 3 861

By TerribleAddiction - 15/02/2012 17:50 - United States

Today, I decided to quit smoking. My wife conveniently decided on the same day that she was going to start smoking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 486

You deserved it 3 358

By dream_girl_3 - 08/03/2010 09:37 - United States

Today, I let my boyfriend drive my car, knowing that he doesn't have a license. While he was out, he ran a stop sign, collided with another vehicle, and then left the scene of the accident. Then he lied to me about how the accident happened so I "wouldn't be so upset." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 654

You deserved it 52 365

By good_job_john - 20/07/2009 15:43 - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend on my boat at the lake. As we were looking at the mountains all around us, she playfully pushed me off the side into the water. As I got back on the boat, I realized that not only was my cellphone dead, but the ring had fallen into the deep water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 433

You deserved it 4 300

By Twitchy - 14/09/2011 23:20 - Bahamas

Today, I watched a cat pounce on a small bird and rip it to shreds, feather by feather. It wouldn't have been any worse than mildly disturbing, had I not just spent the last 4 weeks nursing the bird back to health from a broken wing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 789

You deserved it 3 169

You got what you wanted

By Anonymous - 19/08/2014 18:16 - United States - Glendale

Today, I told my husband that I'm jealous of all the other girls whose husbands always take pictures of them together and post them online. He responded by posting a picture of himself, with me on the toilet in the background, captioned, "The bitch on the pot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 152

You deserved it 19 060

By Brian - 04/05/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, I had my first real meeting with my girlfriend's parents. We had dinner at a pretty upscale restaurant and everything was going great. When the check came, I offered to pay and I stood up to take out my wallet. When I opened it, 3 condoms fell out on the table in front of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 552

You deserved it 64 596

By Anonymous - 11/08/2014 17:24 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I was walking to a job interview. I needed to get rid of some gum but there were no trash cans in sight, so I spat it out on the ground. Next thing I know, some guy grabs me, sticks the gum in my hair, and walks off, muttering curses. I couldn't get it out in time for the interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 706

You deserved it 51 501

Baywatched out

By Username - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I was lifeguarding at a community pool when I noticed a toddler go underwater. I quickly jumped in but suddenly got a cramp, which caused me to stall. When I looked up, I saw an old woman saving him, and got a shoe thrown at my head. I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 104

You deserved it 10 205

The other's in the Albert Hall

By lone_ranger - 25/09/2009 11:13 - United States

Spicy

Today, I told my girlfriend I have only one testicle. Her reaction? "Eeew, balls are gross!" I'm glad to know I'm only half as gross as other guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 461

You deserved it 3 480

By Anonymous - 06/04/2015 03:31 - United States - New Britain

Today, I found out that the nickname my friend has been calling me in Japanese for the past year is the word for "Idiot". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 933

You deserved it 5 131

By thatisnotcool45 - 09/12/2011 05:22 - Canada

Today, I got to say, "My best friend hooked up with my step-sister's grandma's aunt" and be correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 142

You deserved it 2 729

By ihatemyparents - 22/01/2011 20:20 - United States

Today, my parents confiscated my iPod, because the parents' group they go to came to the conclusion that music is a gateway to anti-social behavior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 502

You deserved it 2 738

By onorexveritas - 06/09/2012 16:54 - United States - Modesto

Today, the acne on one side of my face has flared up at the corners of my mouth, making me look just like The Joker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 453

You deserved it 2 447

onorexveritas tells us more.

onorexveritas 23

Thursday 6 September 2012 23:00

it sucks ass lmao but its kina funny to look at xD

By stephscort - 11/05/2013 13:32 - United States - Middletown

Today, I saw my ex husband walking with his very beautiful, very pregnant wife. We divorced 7 months ago because he told me he was gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 650

You deserved it 5 591

stephscort tells us more.

stephscort 11

Monday 13 May 2013 1:39

I hate to admit this, but since he blocked me on Facebook, I made a fake account to find out and indeed, he is remarried and expecting a child. At first, I was confused and thinking, maybe it was just a friend or someone... then I got furious when I saw their wedding photos on Facebook. FML

By Anonymous - 03/04/2013 13:32 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I dropped our daughter. Our hypothetical daughter. Represented by a stuffed owl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 704

You deserved it 6 108

By Hunterxx - 07/08/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, my husband thought it'd be funny to trigger the alarm in the house while I was sleeping. Shocked, I ran outside naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 784

You deserved it 7 240

The cliché is true

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I went to a restaurant for lunch. I began to eat when I noticed a blond hair in my food. When that happened, I went up to the counter and began complaining about their hygiene. When the manager insisted no one that works there had long blond hair, I realized that it was my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 613

You deserved it 65 533

Simp

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, it was the girl of my dreams' birthday. She already knows I am totally in love with her. So for her birthday I decided to buy her a $60 dollar bottle of rum for her and her friends to have fun with. She picked it up from my house with her new boyfriend waiting in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 585

You deserved it 40 193

By ihatelaura - 15/05/2010 23:47 - United States

Today, I had to clean my boyfriend's puke off of our bed. Last night he ditched me to go out partying, came home, threw up, and passed out. He thinks it's only fair I clean up today because he's "not feeling well". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 172

You deserved it 5 632

Minor Threat

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 20:24 - France - Paris

Spicy

Today, after a big argument, my girlfriend looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I can go the rest of my life without sex, you know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 416

You deserved it 13 298

Too little, too late

By Anonymous - 20/01/2014 20:23 - United States - Manhattan

Today, I went to the health department to get on some birth control. I left the health department without birth control, and with the news that I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 422

You deserved it 33 890

By yayaimannoying - 09/03/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, I posted a pic of my prom dress on facebook. The dress looked amazing on me and it just felt so right. So I spent every single dollar I had and some borrowed to buy the dress. When I logged on later that night, the first comment asked "Is this a joke?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 605

You deserved it 5 128

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

The Top

Today, I got mansplained for trying to help a guy secure a machine to a trailer. Not only did he bring the wrong trailer, he tried to ratchet it onto the axle. I load and unload trailers at least once a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 946

You deserved it 145

Today, I begged a coworker to let me borrow her lighter for my smoke break, since I'd lost mine. She was reluctant because of my track record of losing the darn things. After my break I stopped to use the restroom really quick, and promptly dropped the lighter into the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 052

You deserved it 36 192

Today, a client walked into my store with a duck in her hands. I had to explain to her that she couldn't bring the bird shopping with her. We got a 1-star review. FML

I agree, your life sucks 880

You deserved it 142

Today, during an online class, I forgot to mute myself while trying to get my dog to poop. The whole class, including my professor, heard me sing “Push It” by Salt-N-Pepa to motivate her. They all had many questions when I came back on camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 104

You deserved it 497

Today, I was told that since I've had only three or four periods since 2013, there's 60 periods worth of blood clotted in my uterus. They gave me medicine to make it all come out in one week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 204

You deserved it 316

Today, I was making tea when I smelled something burning. My very fluffy cat had put his tail right next to the open flame and burnt his fur. Now I have a semi-hairless cat and a very smelly apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 065

You deserved it 7 441