Miscellaneous: Today, I told my friend I would pay him to ask out the ugliest... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Durham

Today, I told my friend I would pay him to ask out the ugliest girl he knew. He asked out my girlfriend. FML

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Late term

Caught red-handed

Relationships sink

By Anonymous - United States - Surprise

Today, less than a week after ranting to my husband about how sick some people are to sexualize characters from kids' TV shows, I looked through his browser history and found out he's very much into Powerpuff Girls porn. FML

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By Username

Today, at work, I handed an old man his drink, and our fingers accidentally brushed. He gave me a creepy wink and a smile, but I ignored it. He's now been sitting in the store for two hours watching me. Only 4 hours to go until I get off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in the living room with my husband when we heard a baby coo. This would have been adorable, if we had a baby. FML

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By burrrito_ - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I found out why you depressurize your espresso maker before changing out the coffee grinds. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pulled over and administered a sobriety test due to an officer's suspicion that I was driving under the influence. I was completely sober, and, apparently, I suck at driving. FML

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By pregnantapparently - United States - Durham

Today, I had been stress-eating a lot of junk food during finals week at college. I was feeling worried about my figure, and lifted up my shirt to see myself in the mirror. My boyfriend, who I didn't know was watching, promptly said, "Whoa babe, it looks like the condom broke!" FML

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By sixsix - France

Today, I made love to my girlfriend. I penetrated her for a while, then stopped to get my breath back... She carried on moaning even though I'd stopped moving. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realized that not only am I still an unpublished author, but I can't even get an FML posted after submitting several in the last year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm 19 years old and, having never been on a date, I agreed to let my friend set me up. He was adorable, young, with blond hair and blue eyes...and 4 years old. My friend tricked me into babysitting. FML

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By Nic - United States

Today, I just studied for 13.5 hours completely outlining a book for history. Thirty minutes before the test, I realized I had been reading the wrong book. FML

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By anon - New Zealand

Today, I found my expensive lingerie I thought I had lost. In my 15-year-old brother's room. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got some news from two colleagues, one of whom just got married for the first time, and the other whose long-time wife was recently diagnosed with an advanced form of cancer. I wrote each of them a heartfelt note, which would've been thoughtful if I hadn't mixed up the recipients. FML

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By eiregal2 - 15/4/2020 23:00 - Ireland - Cork

Butterfingers

Today, I somehow managed to slice open my thumb. The dangerous weapon that caused this to happen? Velcro. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She came over to see me one last time. We hugged for minutes and cried; it was a touching moment. Just after she left, I realized my wallet that I had on the table beside us was gone. FML

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By Allycat - United States - Ronkonkoma

Today, I was working a kid's birthday party dressed as a clown. The child's mother made me change because he was scared of clowns. The only thing I had in my car was a princess costume that was owned by a girl co-worker. So for 4 hours I had to entertain in a tight pink dress. I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Baxter

Today, I found out my old DVD player is jealous of my Blu-ray player. It fell from the top of my closet and hit me in the head. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Cornwall

Today, my pre-teen brother has started using the entire Axe line because he believes that it will give him an "edge with the ladies". He insists on using the products at least three times a day, including before bedtime. I'm allergic to anything that is perfumed. We share a room. FML

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By My_Name_Is_Zach

Today, my neighbor called me on vacation to tell me that she let my mother into my house to feed my fish. I don't have fish, and my mother passed away 3 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Miami

Today, at work, man who was buying medicine for his son came up to me for help. He didn't know how to explain it to me, so instead he showed me a picture of a rash on his kid's butthole. FML

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By Username - France

Today, my fiancée texts me while out at a restaurant. She told me that she saw one of my high school friends there, and that he asked "How's Douglas doing?". She then asked me who Douglas is. Douglas is my legal name. We've been together for over three years and she didn't know. FML

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By 918boyz - United States

Today, I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said "That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream." FML

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By CaptainByron

Today, my father contacted me for the first time in close to 2 months. The first thing he did was ask if I wanted to buy some weed. FML

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By Fresca11 - United States

Today, I was having dinner with my boyfriend. We'd just got our food when my dad walks in, comes up to our table and says, "I didn't say you could leave, you're too young to be dating him", then drags me out of the restaurant. We are both 15, and it was my first date. FML

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By Kimberly - United States

Today, my 9 year old niece asked me if I was a virgin. I told her, "Yes, I'm saving myself until marriage". She replied, "That's a load of bullshit, you just can't get a guy!" Sadly, she's right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bel Air

Today, while opening up to a few friends about how I was sexually abused as a child, one of them blurted "Pics or it didn't happen." How did the others react? With outrage? No, just with awkward chuckling. FML

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By Milo - Canada

Looks to Die For...

Today, my six-year-old son told me my makeup looks like his grandmother's did in the casket. FML

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By jerk_ex_boyfriend - United States - Narberth

Today, I overheard my boyfriend talking to his mom about me. It sounded like they were planning something for me, like a marriage. They were planning how to break up with me. FML

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By nowimbroketoo - Australia - Beaumaris

Today, the guy whose son I babysat for six hours straight confessed to being broke, then actually asked if he could pay me with sex instead. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after feeling like I've been sucking as a friend and contacting a friend who has called me their best friend, but doesn't talk to me much, we grabbed a coffee. The whole time I was trying to have a conversation, she was on her phone. FML

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By Anonymous

(That's 77° in Freedom Units)

Today, we're having my grandmother over. Because we don't have a guest room, she is sleeping in mine. It is 25°C at night and she is sleeping naked with her dog right next to me. FML

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By Bluevayero

Today, I found out I lost a promotion intended for me because I was on planned vacation. FML

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By ywouldudomelikethat - United States - Renton

Today, I found out my ex started a Tumblr where she posts one photo a day. Each photo being a pic I texted her over the course of our relationship. My office, the bars I like to go to, favorite restaurants, my mom's place, my place, my penis, etc. FML

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By Moosh - Australia

Today, my stepdad did a crap in the shape of the number 2, took a picture of it and showed it to all my friends at my party, while we were eating. FML

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By LuxTheSarcastic - United States - Apex

Today, my mother dragged me to the mall to get me out of the house and to get me to stop using my phone. She then spent the whole trip talking on her phone instead of actually interacting with me. FML

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By hannieannie

Psychopath's joke

Today, I’m still recovering from last night. I fell asleep before my boyfriend. He thought it would be funny to stand at the bottom of the bed with a knife and wake me up. I screamed so much that I wet myself and had a panic attack. He recorded the whole thing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pembroke

Today, my grandfather gave me a whole box of records to go with my new record player. When I thanked him, he said he'd been needing to get rid of them anyway because classical music makes him horny. I definitely didn't need to know that. FML

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By spider-sarah - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out the hard way that if you leave your sheets on the washing line too long, spiders will go and make their new home in them. FML

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By sleekRelease

Today, I was expecting an important delivery for a party I'm having tonight. I was in the shower when the doorbell rang. In my haste, I slipped and ended up with a bunch of little cuts and bruises. Turns out, it was someone trying to leave a note saying it would be delivered tomorrow. FML

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By Stunned - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, after heavy rain my street flooded. While in my living room, I looked outside to see that my elderly neighbour was outside splashing in a knee deep puddle. He was butt-naked and wearing a snorkel and flippers. FML

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By NotRussian - United States

Today, I had a blind date with a really cute guy. Just when I was about to invite him back to my place for a nightcap, he took out a catalog of Russian mail-order brides and asked for my help in picking out the best one. FML

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Top comments

By OscarDV | 8

#5839913 - Sunday 26 January 2014 10:43

BURN!!

By Rozza17 | 29

#5839918 - Sunday 26 January 2014 10:47

You totally deserved it!!! It's rude of you to even make someone do that. What if the girl found out the actual truth as to why your friend asked her out.

COMMENTS

By KaseyAly | 10

#5839911 - Sunday 26 January 2014 10:41

That's rude!

Reply

barreiroj | 13

#5839927 - Sunday 26 January 2014 10:55

What's rude is OP telling his friend to ask out the "ugliest girl he knows", that's just mean in general and if she found out it she'd most likely start to be insecure and she'd be upset.

Reply

bubblyhayley | 16

#5839948 - Sunday 26 January 2014 11:16

pretty sure this is from a movie....

Reply

VampOfSavannah | 31

#5839952 - Sunday 26 January 2014 11:18

American Pie...?
Maybe?

Reply

DenBriZel | 31

#5839995 - Sunday 26 January 2014 12:33

Maybe he thought the whole thing was rude of OP and figured he'd teach him a lesson by asking out his girlfriend.
Idk, just a thought.

Reply

whatwhyhoo | 10

#5840030 - Sunday 26 January 2014 13:55

My thought exactly.

Reply

Wakachulak | 22

#5840086 - Sunday 26 January 2014 15:22

What I want to know is did his girlfriend accept?

Reply

Rag_dollxx | 21

#5840109 - Sunday 26 January 2014 15:59

No #24, I think the film was called 'She's all that.'

Reply

SuperMew | 22

#5840155 - Sunday 26 January 2014 17:08

She's All That was about making any girl chosen popular.

By OscarDV | 8

#5839913 - Sunday 26 January 2014 10:43

BURN!!

Reply

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#5840011 - Sunday 26 January 2014 13:11

OP deserves this burn.

Reply

ziya1999 | 12

#5840131 - Sunday 26 January 2014 16:37

Yup, Dare like that is rude and insensitive.

Reply

martin8337 | 35

#5840284 - Sunday 26 January 2014 19:07

#2, I was gonna post that, guess you beat me to it.

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5842235 - Tuesday 28 January 2014 21:59

OP, you are a rude and immature little boy. For the love of God; grow up.

By Cristian89 | 29

#5839914 - Sunday 26 January 2014 10:44

The truth hurts! YDI

By Anata_fml | 10

#5839915 - Sunday 26 January 2014 10:44

You shouldn't ask ...

By Miss_Latina | 13

#5839917 - Sunday 26 January 2014 10:47

Careful what you ask for.

By Rozza17 | 29

#5839918 - Sunday 26 January 2014 10:47

You totally deserved it!!! It's rude of you to even make someone do that. What if the girl found out the actual truth as to why your friend asked her out.

By ClearlyImFunny | 12

#5839920 - Sunday 26 January 2014 10:49

Haha i guess she is a Frey

Reply

fakedsincerity | 32

#5840269 - Sunday 26 January 2014 18:53

I think it's trying to communicate...

Reply

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#5843510 - Thursday 30 January 2014 3:30

Guessing it's a Game of Thrones reference? (I'm going to look really stupid if I'm wrong). Still not very relevant, though.

By breakinlegs | 19

#5839921 - Sunday 26 January 2014 10:50

so you are a tool? u asked for it...

By StaceeeP | 23

#5839922 - Sunday 26 January 2014 10:50

That's what you get for being so horrible to other people

By 712sash | 25

#5839923 - Sunday 26 January 2014 10:50

You're a dick. You had that coming. YDI