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By idiot - 19/11/2016 06:48 - United States - Wausau

Today, while I was reading on my tablet, my dog wanted to be let outside, so I set down the tablet and let her outside. I returned to the living room to continue reading when I heard a crunch. The tablet had fallen to the floor and I'd stepped on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 822

You deserved it 2 802

Corolla Conspiracy

By Anonymous - 30/07/2017 00:30

Today, I was talking to one of the advisors at my job about how almost everyone in the workplace who owns a Toyota has strangely been in some sort of car accident in the last year. I happen to have a Toyota. Guess who was rear-ended at an intersection after leaving work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 089

You deserved it 539

Grab the balls by the horn, dude

By Anonymous - 09/09/2019 18:00

Today, the only girl I've ever had eyes for said she can't find any good single men, all while sitting next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 525

You deserved it 568

Party for One!

By Sam - 08/12/2017 01:30

Today, at the supermarket, I bought a cake and had my friend's name put on it. It wasn't anyone's birthday, I just wanted to feel less ashamed about buying a whole cake for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 008

You deserved it 2 160

Dying words

By France Howell - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, I rushed my wife to the ER because she was having abdominal pains. She was crying in the car and very faintly said, "If I die, our daughter goes to my sister and they get everything in my will." We later found out she was just having a bad gas problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 271

You deserved it 414

Thanks, kind stranger

By fr1day - 21/01/2009 07:25 - Australia

Today, it's my birthday but I had to go to work. I caught the train and I was forced to sit next to this weird smelly dude who jumped off one stop before mine. A little old lady came on, so I shuffled over so she could sit down with ease. Upon exiting the train, I notice my pants were wet with smelly dude's piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 075

You deserved it 2 348

By B'Dawk - 14/10/2018 13:30

Today, I found out my girlfriend has been putting boogers in my belly button when I don't pay attention to her while we watch tv. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 728

You deserved it 1 708

It burns

By speechless - 07/12/2018 11:30 - United States

Today, I have laryngitis and can’t speak at all. I went to make myself some breakfast and my mom kept asking me questions, to which I replied with nods and head shakes. She said, in a condescending voice, that I need to use my “big girl words” and will keep using her “baby voice” until I do so. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 030

You deserved it 217

By AtLeastTheyreClean - 27/01/2017 19:28 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after hours of protesting and tantrums, I finally got my kids to clean their rooms. They're all really proud of themselves and enjoying all the extra space. I'm stuck with the three extra loads of laundry they found in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 010

You deserved it 2 163

It means us! Look at us!

By Squeak - 07/02/2017 19:00 - United States - Bremerton

Today, at work I put myself squarely in the lame / old people category when I foolishly asked out loud what FML meant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 728

You deserved it 1 608

By beachbirdbait - 09/02/2017 12:00 - United States - Savannah

Today, I drove to the beach for an hour to relax before returning to the intense workload of midterms. A kid walking by threw a cracker near me and I was instantly attacked by a group of seagulls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 604

You deserved it 511

By mustanggt - 10/01/2019 14:00

Today, I submitted an offer on a house. I got a call a few minutes later saying that it had collapsed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 662

You deserved it 198

By Casey W - 13/03/2017 12:00

Today, I got my new license plate, which is the story of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 725

You deserved it 458

By Kolpall - 15/08/2015 10:22 - Tunisia

Today, I’m on vacation in Tunisia. Having trouble with the heat at night, I tried sleeping outside in the garden. At 3 a.m., I’m awoken by something licking my face. A dog? A camel. A camel! FML

I agree, your life sucks 845

You deserved it 167

By polskibus - 31/01/2012 05:55 - Poland

Today, I’ve been living in Poland for three months now. I had the brilliant idea to take out the trash at midnight after washing my hair. A minute later, my hair was completely frozen and I even managed to break some of it off. I can confirm that it was -30 °C. FML

I agree, your life sucks 635

You deserved it 248

By marcranger - 13/12/2016 02:20 - United States - Silverthorne

Today, I stopped to get gas on my way to work. It snowed over the weekend, so there was mud everywhere. When I tried to jump over a giant puddle by my door on my way back into the car, I went too high, bruised my shoulder on the doorframe, and rebounded ass-first into the puddle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 313

You deserved it 1 945

marcranger tells us more.

marcranger 28

Saturday 17 December 2016 16:12

OP here. The only additional points I haven't covered in my responses are: 1. I have a high-clearance SUV and low athletic ability. Since I managed to jump high enough to hit the top of the doorframe, I was pretty impressed with myself once I cleaned up! 2. This is my third published FML. 2 out of 3 have taken place at gas stations. This is clearly a sign that I need to sell my car and move to...uh...somewhere that doesn't have cars or something.

By Bibi - 16/07/2017 21:30 - Brazil - Brasilia

Today, I found out why a boy I like has been ignoring me since we went out for drinks the other night. I accidentally got too drunk and remember nothing except that I decided to play on my phone for awhile. The next day he wouldn't even talk to me and when I asked why, he told me that I had drunkenly revealed to him that I had multiple crushes, all of their names, and had showed him all of my conversations with them on WhatsApp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 348

You deserved it 7 408

By Ruby Lore - 20/07/2017 00:31

Today, I asked my dad if he'd like to go fishing together, but he said he was busy with errands. Later, in a casual conversation with my friend, she opened up her phone to show me pictures of her fishing with my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 548

You deserved it 354

By unemployed - 18/10/2016 00:05 - United States - The Colony

Today, the store I work at got shut down and I got let go. Three days ago I got a promotion and a raise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 525

You deserved it 783

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo

By Rhett_15 - 01/08/2017 13:00

Spicy

Today, I found out that my favorite song is about blow jobs and crystal meth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 450

You deserved it 958

By kenabrookee - 03/04/2013 05:48 - United States - Northridge

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. We got on the subject of theatre, and his dad brought up "The Book of Mormon", how finally someone was making fun of those "nasty, polygamist, cultist freaks", and if his son ever dated one, he would disown him. I'm Mormon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 029

You deserved it 14 800

Can't be bothered

By anabolic - 27/02/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, my boss said he was giving me a significant raise. After he requested the payroll department to raise my salary they informed him he needed to fill out a one-sheet form. He took my raise away because he didn't want to fill the sheet out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 905

You deserved it 2 751

By Elayne Warthen - 25/04/2018 01:30

Today, I found out my soon-to-be husband and father of my unborn child is already married to another man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 315

You deserved it 550

By rykelmb - 27/05/2016 23:40 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I dropped my father-in-law's friend off at the airport, and I got in trouble because he ended up missing his flight. He only missed it because he forgot to check in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 847

You deserved it 821

First Impression

By Katy3225 - 06/06/2018 15:00 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, it was my first day teaching economics to a university class of 150. For the first 5 minutes, a bunch of students snickered. I asked why. One said, "Your zipper's open, but it doesn't matter because your blue panties are showing through your white pants anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 635

You deserved it 1 724

By crakbbyaparently - 31/01/2009 01:34 - United States

Today, my old man told me that he only married my mom because she convinced him she was pregnant with his child. In fact, she aborted a week later. "And then we had you instead." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 855

You deserved it 1 893

By Gaylord - 28/04/2016 02:17 - United States - Aspers

Today, I realized that my somewhat flamboyant behavior may have given people the wrong impression when my classmate tried to set me up with one of her male friends. I've been trying to work up the courage to ask her out all semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 828

You deserved it 2 200

By Bam - 09/09/2018 15:00

Today, after being told my cellphone was under warranty and would be repaired for free, Samsung received my device, changed their minds, and charged me $636.96 to return my device to me. That's more than the device costs new at this point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 146

You deserved it 201

By Crypticbeerbelly - 11/01/2017 14:44

Today, I was reading a recipe list on my tablet. I moved a little, and one of my fat rolls came into contact with a button which closed the tab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 260

You deserved it 3 797

Patience

By ToiletProblems - 06/02/2019 07:00 - United States - Northbrook

Today, I decided to use the disabled toilet in work to get a little extra privacy while I did my business. The cleaners who unlocked the door from the outside and barged in on me were nice and waited until I finished to apologize and explain there were complaints the door had been locked for days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 149

You deserved it 492

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The Top

The Top

Today, I took my best friend to see her dad in hospital. While they were talking in another room about his care, he took his last lucid words before his death. I was the only one there and I'd never even met him before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 466

You deserved it 68

Today, in my mom’s house, I can stay in one of two rooms: The one that's clean, tidy, quiet and has a comfortable seat… or the one that's warm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 138

Today, my sister came out as lesbian and my parents kicked her out of the house. I was also kicked out for supporting her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 464

You deserved it 213

Today, I called my usual babysitter, one of the few people who can handle my difficult kids, to ask her to watch them for a night next week. She refused. It turns out my wife has been repeatedly underpaying her and she's fed up with it. So long date nights, I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 230

You deserved it 403

Today, I proposed to the girl of my dreams. She asked me who I was, and maced me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 101

You deserved it 1 289

Today, while on a family Disney World vacation, I saw a kid shitting on a public bathroom floor. It was my kid. He's 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 829

You deserved it 12 075