Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when my dad pulled up to pick me up from his house. My dad beeped his horn and my boyfriend opened his bedroom curtain, knocked on the window, and waved. While he was still inside of me. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved his flaming red hair. He told me that he loved the fuzz on my butt. FML
Today, while my kids were taking a nap in the other room, I masturbated while Dora The Explorer was on. I think I need to get out more. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on in his room. In a sexy voice, I asked him, "What are you thinking right now?" He replied, "I'm thinkin' Arby's." FML
Today, I was having passionate sex with my girlfriend of nine months. She was making a lot of noise, so I told her to keep it down, and reminded her that my parents and sister downstairs. A few minutes later, I got a text from my sister, saying my parents wanted to make sure I was wearing a condom. FML
Today, I woke up and felt that my arm was sore. I got so drunk last night, I got an unprofessional tattoo of a penis. FML
Today, I was sparring with a guy in my Tae Kwon Do class. He had a hard-on the entire time we were sparring. FML
Today, I was texting this guy that I hooked up with yesterday. We were gonna do it again but he had basketball practice. I was talking to my friend about it, and sent her a text saying "Oh well. I have explosive diarrhea anyways." She wasn't replying, so I checked my sent box. I sent it to him. FML
Today, after having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, we went downstairs to find his parents had come home early and had heard everything. I then received a long scolding from his mother of how I'd disrespected her house. My boyfriend received a high-five and a thumbs-up from his dad. FML
Today, I was talking to a hot girl at the bus stop. She seemed interested in me and I was feeling a connection forming. When the bus came, I offered to let her board first, but she said it "wasn't her bus" and said goodbye. Later, I realized I'd spent 20 minutes making moves on a prostitute. FML
Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex. FML
Today, I noticed that my long distance boyfriend of almost four months only calls me to have phone sex. FML
Today, I planted a bit of a condom wrapper in my bed so my housekeeper would think I have a love life. FML
Today, I learned that my boyfriend waits 'til I am asleep to wack off to porn on the internet. We haven't had sex in months because he doesn't want to. FML
Today, it was the first time my boyfriend saw me naked. He grabbed my breasts and began to sing, "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts." He's 22. FML
Today, I noticed the woman I've been sleeping with for over two years never lets me see her naked during sex. I confronted her about it and she replied, "I don't care if you see me naked. I was just leaving the lights off the whole time so I don't have to see you naked." FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. We decided to have sex in her basement. All awesome, until her mom walked down and wanted to watch a movie with us. I had to watch it naked under a blanket. FML
Today, I woke up with bruised nipples because apparently my boyfriend likes to excessively play with them while I sleep. FML
Today, I woke up to realize that the guy who took my virginity last night also took my flat screen TV. FML
Today, I was on Facebook when I saw a link about what Pokémon would look like if they had genitals. I'm not quite sure why, but I decided to click it, and at that exact moment, my brother and his friend walked in. They told my mom I was looking at Pokémon porn. I'll never be able to live this down. FML
Today, I changed my 2009 new year's resolution to lose my virginity to my 2010 new year's resolution. FML
Today, I realized that the only male that has ever been in bed with me has been my cat. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. He tried to put it in unerected. He was serious. FML
Today, I was trying to be dirty with my fiancé. He got really into the roleplaying and wouldn't stop pretending to be a cop for hours. Mood officially killed. FML
Today, I fell asleep while masturbating. I'm so bad that I bore myself. FML
Today, my boyfriend called my cell. I picked up and said, "Hi, this is Lisa and I want you to fuck me raw." It was my dad. He was at my boyfriend's parents' house and forgot his phone. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me it was her fantasy to orgasm at midnight on New Years. We got started at 11:53. I didn't last until midnight. FML
Today, my fiancé and I decided to engage in some erotic food play. She covered every region of my body, including my genitals, with strawberry sauce. Today also happens to be the day that I found out I'm allergic to strawberries. FML
Today, my dad came home from work early only to walk in on me and the boy I'm not supposed to be seeing having sex. Did I mention doggie style? FML
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