Intimacy: Bigger than...

Bigger than...

By Jim - 26/11/2019 16:00 - Canada - Winfield

Today, I was looking for my passport and I found my wife's new vibrator (that she failed to tell me she'd purchased). I understand now why she doesn't want sex with me anymore. That thing is much bigger than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 423

You deserved it 480

Intimacy

You tried

Mother of the year

Own it

By Nathan - 17/01/2009 22:31 - United States

Today, I printed my 10 page econometrics problem set questions out on $15/100 sheet ivory resume paper that I'd accidentally left in the paper tray on my printer. It turned out to be the wrong assignment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 662

You deserved it 18 514

By Anonymous - 17/02/2013 00:43 - Finland - Helsinki

Today, I found out that my upstairs neighbor has a cat. I was blessed with this knowledge when she threw several piles of used kitty litter and cat poop over her balcony and onto my patio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 820

You deserved it 2 172

By chessgeeksam - 14/03/2009 19:28 - United States

Today, I learned that the surprise party thrown for my girlfriend's 19th birthday was wonderful and she couldn't be happier. Except that I didn't show up. Apparently 40 people were invited but I wasn't one of them. We've been going out for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 324

You deserved it 4 036

By danii - 04/10/2011 01:19 - Reserved

Today, I woke up after a few friends came over last night. There are eggs, coins and Oreos glued to the ceiling, 10 broken jars, no food left, and most of the contents of my house are in the garden. And I'm naked and covered in permanent marker drawings of Pokémon. My parents return in an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 254

You deserved it 54 565

By haileyjunkin - 22/11/2011 17:53

Today, I got hit in the face at a dodge-ball tournament. My entire mouth was bloody. The sad thing is, I wasn't even playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 572

You deserved it 3 291

By BigBallah93 - 07/07/2009 12:20 - China

Today, I began my job volunteering at an orphanage in Beijing, China, working with 7-year-olds who just started learning english. We played a game where, if you got caught, you had to sing a song. I got caught, so I chose the ABCs. They all knew the song perfectly, I missed 3 letters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 852

You deserved it 78 694

By Broke - 27/03/2009 00:24 - United States

Today, I was entered into an online contest where they announce your name on the radio and if you call in within an hour they pay your bills for you. I'm unemployed, so I got really excited when they announced my name. My call wouldn't go through - I hadn't paid my phone bill and the line was disconnected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 182

You deserved it 28 637

By ... - 07/02/2014 20:30 - United States - Glen Carbon

Today, I told my professor that I'll be missing class next week due to upcoming surgery. I asked if I could take the exam that I'd otherwise miss another day. He said no, and that I'd just have to take a failing grade, then wished me luck with the surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 718

You deserved it 4 053

By Anonymous - 07/12/2010 16:09 - Guatemala

Today, I got mugged. After taking my cell phone, the guy politely said: "Thanks. Have a nice evening. Be careful on your way home." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 034

You deserved it 3 165

By dumbmotherinlaw - 06/07/2016 17:29 - United States - San Diego

Today, I was crossing back over the Mexico-US border. My mother-in-law got out of the car to go to the bathroom, since traffic was horrible. Two hours of worrying sick later, turns out she crossed the border without telling me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 198

You deserved it 791

By itisobviouseinstein - 30/09/2015 03:31 - United States - New York

Today, a bible toting evangelist on the street ambushed me and asked me what my religion was. I wear a hijab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 755

You deserved it 3 675

Gross dude

By summer - 26/03/2021 21:30

Today, I had to beg my boyfriend to get him to take a shower and brush his teeth. This is a basic weekly argument. FML

I agree, your life sucks 805

You deserved it 300

By DDubs - 08/01/2010 03:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that I have fallen for the most amazing girl. She's good looking, has a great personality, she's funny and is a hit with all my friends but she doesn't seem to realise she has a body odor problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 809

You deserved it 6 155

By boogerbrain - 09/12/2009 21:06 - United States

Today, I was looking at my wedding pictures I had just ordered and I tried to flick something off one of the pictures, but it wouldn't come off. In a panic I quickly looked through all of my pictures and realized that I had a booger sticking out of my nose. No one told me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 040

You deserved it 4 162

By Anonymous - 01/11/2010 13:00 - United States

Today, I was laying in bed with the covers over me, when I got an itch on my leg. It felt really good to scratch it so I got really into it. At that very moment my mom walked in, saw me doing a back and forth motion under the covers, gave me a look of disgust, and walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 834

You deserved it 5 847

By Username - 23/01/2011 18:44 - United States

Today, my best friend came over for dinner and a movie. Moments after arriving, she spent an hour on the phone, and ended up accepting another invitation before leaving. I guess it's dinner for one tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 191

You deserved it 2 598

By Buzz - 29/11/2008 16:11 - France

Today, my husband invited his boss and his wife to dinner. During the meal, I tasted the wine and apologised for its bad quality, somewhat annoyed: "Dont drink that, I'll go and look for another bottle." Unfortunately, it was our guests who had brought the wine in question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 976

You deserved it 10 905

That was quick

By dumbdad - 08/09/2010 00:25 - United States

Today, my estranged dad drunk-dialed me at 4 a.m. to apologize, and to make amends. After crying and forgiving, we hung up. Minutes later, he called back to retract everything he said after remembering how I was rude to him at a party 3 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 599

You deserved it 3 262

By -_- - 29/03/2011 02:22 - United States

Today, I was walking in the park with my girlfriend, when out of nowhere, I was savaged and brutally humped into submission by a massive Great Dane. Not only did my girlfriend watch it all, but the dog's owner took the time to snap a few pictures with his phone. Neither bothered to help me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 902

You deserved it 5 335

By paintfarts1976 - 10/05/2013 19:01 - Ireland - Mullingar

Today, my husband angrily accused me of cheating on him. It turns out he thinks that because I've been spending time with my brother recently, the two of us must be having some kind of incestuous affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 043

You deserved it 4 213

The Lovecats

By Anonymous - 30/08/2021 09:01 - United States - Springfield

Today, my cat woke me up by vomiting a big, warm, stinky hairball on my neck and then left. I think she was smiling as she trotted away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 803

You deserved it 143

By Teenagemum - 13/07/2019 20:30

Today, my father calculated that the only way we can afford to keep the house was if I get pregnant and claim child benefits. My family now won't speak to me because I refuse to do it. I'm 15 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 035

You deserved it 95

By Caz - 10/09/2018 20:30

Today, I got on the Megabus for a 6-hour journey from London to Plymouth. I then realised I'd forgotten to fill up my water bottle and charge my iPod. It's a fully packed, sweaty hot loud coach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 289

You deserved it 1 291

By maddengirl12 - 20/02/2014 08:57 - United States

Today, my mom and I flew three hours from Wyoming to a volleyball camp in Kentucky. When we arrived, we went to the volleyball center and told them I was there for the volleyball camp. They told me it had been cancelled two weeks ago and they forgot to call us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 398

You deserved it 3 965

Stress test

By haramara - 25/05/2021 17:01

Today, while driving on the streets for the first time, my mom decided that it would be an appropriate time to yell at me for every single mistake I’ve ever made in my life. This stressed me out so much I began driving against traffic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 938

You deserved it 124

By ThatGirl - 19/07/2012 15:30 - United States

Today, an idiot decided it would be fun to light up a firecracker in front of our house. It ended with firetrucks, a black yard, and yet somehow the weeds survived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 474

You deserved it 2 187

By nixwolfwood - 19/12/2016 21:14

Today, I woke up to a fog. Literally. A pipe burst in my apartment and scalding water was everywhere. To make matters worse, when I called maintenance he told me he'd come by later, hung up on me, and turned his phone off. He did eventually show up, but it was 5 hours later, well after I'd paid a plumber $200. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 422

You deserved it 512

By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 19:51 - South Africa

Today, I arrived home to find my cat dead and note saying, "Sorry, I tripped over him." Not only is my cat dead, but I was robbed by a polite thief. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 744

You deserved it 3 098

By hurts.to.pee - 19/01/2012 05:14 - United States

Today, I explained to my dad that I think I have a vaginal infection. I asked if he could take me to the doctor. He responded by saying, "Just shove some ice up there. It'll go away." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 116

You deserved it 3 781

By Anonymous - 22/12/2009 18:02 - United States

Today, I discovered that my bed has a flea infestation. I discovered it after sleeping naked in it for about an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 575

You deserved it 5 977

By right - 02/08/2013 14:08 - United Kingdom - Weymouth

Today, after giving me my very first orgasm, my boyfriend sat me down and had a serious chat with me about my orgasm face. Apparently it reminded him of the scene in the Exorcist with the possessed girl, and it really freaked him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 506

You deserved it 8 196

By butch - 13/11/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, my upstairs neighbor congratulated me on keeping him 'til dawn with my girlfriend and the chick in the apartment next to us. He doesn't know how I got them to agree to a threesome. Since I was at my folks all weekend, neither do I. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 338

You deserved it 2 367

By Economess - 17/09/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, after expressing some of my reservations about the amount of work I have to do to accomplish my thesis on time, my graduate advisor compared my search for knowledge to Tom Hanks' odyssey in the movie "Castaway". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 884

You deserved it 4 139

By Worstjob - 03/03/2011 00:35 - United States

Today, I started my job as a high school janitor. A student decided to welcome me by taking a dump in the urinal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 251

You deserved it 4 433

By Azure_Mist - 27/01/2011 22:53 - United States

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers from my boyfriend, which is something he's never done before. Unfortunately, this was his way of apologizing for cheating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 217

You deserved it 3 120

By Chicketi - 11/02/2009 14:45 - Canada

Today, I cut myself on a band-aid box, while trying to get one out for another cut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 936

You deserved it 8 227

By flimflam - 02/09/2010 17:39 - United States

Today, the elevator broke in my dorm and won't be fixed for several days. I live on the 26th floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 682

You deserved it 3 851

By dahlia87 - 14/12/2009 17:20 - United States

Today, I got an email from the Law School Admissions Council saying that they received my request for my LSAT cancellation and they are confirming that it has been cancelled. The email also said the score will not be reinstated for any reason. I never requested for my score to be cancelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 894

You deserved it 2 162

By Broke Mama - 24/12/2011 14:38 - United States

Today, with the cost of craft supplies that ended in a DIY fail, then a costume and overnight shipping, I have now spent $90 to obtain a $10 hat and vest for my daughter to play a cow in the school Christmas play. She will say "Moo" three times with 5 other cows before leaving the stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 650

You deserved it 7 952

Deep ink

By Wanderlei Santos - 09/07/2020 14:03

Today, I'm going to get my first tattoo. Too bad it's inside my colon so the surgeon can mark the section to remove. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 518

You deserved it 89

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Top comments

RichardPencil 30

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Wednesday 27 November 2019 1:18

And it vibrates. And it doesn't fart and leave its socks all over the place.

shannon2348 14

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Wednesday 27 November 2019 2:52

First of all does she have to report every purchase she makes? And I hate to tell you this but size has nothing to do with it. It's all in how you use it. ydi

Amanda G Rich 23

Tuesday 26 November 2019 8:53

so? its a toy not you.

Charlie Given 24

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Wednesday 27 November 2019 1:16

Sounds like it's time for a serious talk with your wife if she'd rather have sex with a toy then you.

rotflqtms_ 21

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Wednesday 27 November 2019 1:19

Or if she'd rather have sex with him then the toy... that way it can finish her off when he leaves her hanging.

Karmarocks946 8

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Wednesday 27 November 2019 21:57

for it to finish her off, they'd have to be doing something in the first place. the op says she doesn't want to have sex anymore. that's a replacement not an aid

RichardPencil 30

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Wednesday 27 November 2019 1:18

And it vibrates. And it doesn't fart and leave its socks all over the place.

Petra Grote 19

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Wednesday 27 November 2019 8:09

And it makes a fabulous whipped cream.

shannon2348 14

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Wednesday 27 November 2019 2:52

First of all does she have to report every purchase she makes? And I hate to tell you this but size has nothing to do with it. It's all in how you use it. ydi

tounces7 27

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Wednesday 27 November 2019 8:05

Yeah, it's how you use it sure, but I seriously doubt he can make his dick vibrate on 15 different settings either while simultaneously providing clit stimulation.

Gubbon 8

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Wednesday 27 November 2019 15:55

He deserves what, exactly?

Mathalamus 24

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Wednesday 27 November 2019 8:45

Oh well. It's not up to you to decide what she buys with her own money. Get over it.

thisisbutaname 38

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Wednesday 27 November 2019 11:22

Maybe you can talk about it and incorporate the new "guy" in your activities? It may turn out fun for both of you. Also, a few others said she didn't have to tell him. You're right, but she didn't have to keep it a secret either. She didn't need his permission but it would have been nice to share.

mfranks19891989 10

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Wednesday 27 November 2019 12:36

Time for you to get your penis inlarged.

CoriCat 25

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Wednesday 27 November 2019 13:52

To be fair, she is under no obligation to tell when she bought something so personal

bigdikbubls 5

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Wednesday 27 November 2019 16:45

since she apparently wasnt obligated to tell you anything... get yourself one of those fancy new sex dolls. those things are legit

Iamthebanzai22 18

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Wednesday 27 November 2019 19:03

She probably hid it from you because she didn't want to hurt your feelings. I agree with the others, you two can explore this new thing together. In fact, it will be a bonding moment and you will be a real man in her eyes for not being threatened by a toy. Remember that your cock is only one of many body parts that you have to use for her pleasure. You also have lips, fingers, a tongue, a brain (i.e. creativity) and ears (i.e. listen to what she wants). If the toy suggests that she is a size queen, maybe try fisting? As for a small cock, it is amazing how much pleasure a woman derives from just having the entrance of her vagina teased with a cock. You sure don't need 10" for that. Also, read up all that you can about pleasuring a woman. To a woman, emotional intimacy is much sexier than a big cock.