Intimacy: Today, my dad came home from work early only to walk in on me... - FML

By meeranda - France

Today, my dad came home from work early only to walk in on me and the boy I'm not supposed to be seeing having sex. Did I mention doggie style? FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

Boundaries

Ideal first date

By Anonymous - 1/10/2020 20:01

Grow up

Today, I was excited to go to a Japanese restaurant for my birthday. When the chef started doing tricks however, my spoiled brat of a sister started screaming and crying in terror. My parents insisted we leave and go to McDonald's because she was upset. She's 11. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2020 20:04

Caught red-handed

Today, my girlfriend and I got busted by the cops having sex in a dark parking lot near the beach. As if that wasn't bad enough, as I was trying to talk my way out of a ticket, one of the cops peeks into the car window and I hear my girlfriend awkwardly giggle and say, "Hi daddy." FML

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By Van - United States

Today, I took a hot plate out of the oven with my fancy silicone oven mitt. Seconds after carefully placing it on the cook top, I picked it up with my left, unprotected hand. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to cover for a coworker so I worked a 12-hour shift. I worked so late, I missed the final episode of Game of Thrones, which I have been really looking forward to. Guess who texted me, talking about how it ended? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lincoln

Today, I began taking a French language class. After completing and submitting some homework, I got a response. A response that was completely in French. I can't understand shit. FML

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By AtLeastWeCan'tHaveKids

Today, my girlfriend of 8 years and I received our results from a DNA test. We're both very interested in history and ancestry, and wanted to see where in the world we both originated. It turns out we have the same father. FML

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By Rachal - United States

Today, I was standing in the bathroom and farted. It felt like someone stabbed me in the butt. I jumped out of shock, and my head slammed into the mirror. My glasses fell onto the floor and broke. I now need new glasses, a new mirror, and an ice pack for my head. All because I farted. FML

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By traveller - United States

Today, I drove 9 hours and took Monday off of work to surprise my Mom and Dad for Easter. They weren't home so I called to tell them the surprise, rather than wait. They didn't answer as they were on a flight to Denver to surprise me for Easter since "I couldn't get off work." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my first concert and was really anxious about screwing up my performance. Good news: I played fine. Bad news: as I walked off the stage, I tripped over my own feet, face-planted the floor, and busted my nose open. FML

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By toadface - United States

Today, I took my puppy outside to play. At one point, she stopped chewing on her toy and ran over to give me a big kiss all over my face and mouth. A few minutes later I realized that her chew toy was actually the dried up carcass of a toad. FML

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By darquedraconian - United States - Rapid City

Today, my son gave me some flowers for Mother's Day. Unfortunately, the only time I can enjoy them is when I go into the bathroom where they are kept so the cat doesn't eat them. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend sneeze in his hands, and then lick it. FML

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By neverdatingacopagain - United States

Today, I woke up to find a parking ticket on my car. My car was in my driveway and the cop who wrote it is my ex-boyfriend. This is the third time. FML

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By poopEVERYWHERE - United States

Today, I heard my dad screaming in the hallway. Thinking he was having a heart attack I ran to the hall without looking where I was going. I slipped and slid towards my dad in what turned out to be a mass quantity of diarrhea from one of my two dogs. He was screaming because he stepped in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while registering at the grocery store, a customer came into my lane with a 100 piece boiled shrimp platter. Feeling hungry, I muttered "nom nom" under my breath. The old man called my supervisor. Apparently I called him a moron. FML

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By STFU!

Caught the bug

Today, my girlfriend has been randomly screaming out, “Coronavirus! Hehehe!” in a scarily accurate Cardi B impression. She’s been doing it for days and refuses to stop. I’m starting to think facing the damn virus might be less annoying at this point. FML

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By Oh-Shit! - United States

Today, while at a private lake, my colon declared a state of evacuation. I ventured as far from my family as my sphincter would allow, only to make eye contact with two very horrified kayakers mid-explosion. FML

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By Checkless chick - United States

Today, I decided I would try this feature on my banking app which lets me deposit checks by sending a picture of it. The instructions say to rip the check after depositing. The deposit didn't work and now I've got a ripped up paycheck. FML

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By yegworstdrivers - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I fell violently ill half an hour into a flight. I got sick so suddenly that I projectile vomited all over my clothes and the seat in front of me, and to top it all off, I also got diarrhea. Eight more hours to go. FML

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By Red-cheeked

Today, at work, somebody stole my sunglasses. Fed up with the constant theft in my office, I stormed up to my boss, as he had long ago promised to catch the thief. He listened patiently to my rant before pointing out that my sunglasses were on my head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Fundies say the darndest things

Today, I opened a lesson with the phrase, "As we all know, the world is over 4 billion years old." One of my students immediately snorted and said, in all seriousness, that I was wrong, and that the Earth is only 6000 years old. A few of his classmates agreed. I teach geology at university. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my best guy friend, who I have loved for years. I was talking about school and all of a sudden he said "I love you." I flipped out saying "Oh my god, oh my god. I love you, too!" He responded with "what?" He was talking to his mom, who was walking out the door. FML

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By ArtistBlock - United States - Phoenix

Today, I spent nearly seven hours clearing out our storage room in order to transform it into my art studio. Things were going great until I tweaked my back. At least from my stationary position in bed I have a perfect view of the table I can't work at for the next 2 to 4 weeks. FML

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By Sam

Today, I went to the doctor to get my swollen lymph nodes checked. As it turns out, they aren't swollen. I'm just fat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother walked in on me watching porn. As punishment, she sat down and made me watch the rest of it with her as she gave play-by-play commentary. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 11:01

Deception

Today, I found out that my husband, who was supposed to be in PA school, dropped out 6 and a half years ago and never even received his bachelor's. He started lying to me before we were even a year into dating. FML

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By Anon - United States - Lakeville

Today, my brother and I had a long argument. He believes wholeheartedly that pineapples are not actually fruits, but berries. When I showed him a google search, he accused me of "faking" it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran into my shitlord of an ex at the store. He took one look at me, yelled "You cheating bitch!" in a wounded voice, then walked away, fake-crying. I got so many dirty looks. The worst part is that I dumped him last month for cheating on me with my "best friend." FML

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By quit fucking up my life - United States - Kenai

Today, my dad met my boyfriend for the first time. He soon "casually" took a huge knife from the kitchen drawer and told my boyfriend that he's always wondered what it'd be like to stab someone. FML

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By someonesomething - United States

Today, one of the comic companies I submitted to, replied back. They said that the story was boring, and the main character bland, generic, uncultured, had no potential for personal growth, a suburbanite, and an ignorant shut-in. I based the personality of the main character on my own. FML

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By carson28 - United States

Today, I saw a homeless man on the corner, I thought I would be generous and give him some cash. I rolled down my window and waved my hand for him to come over. As he was walking over, he was struck by another car. FML

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By Confused - United States - Bath

Today, I was told I would not be getting the job I was offered because I failed my drug test. They never gave me a drug test. FML

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By stoopidRUnner - United States

Today, I was running by a school and saw that a deer had caught his antlers in the fence. I felt bad for it so I tried to help it free. Finally, he became unstuck. Then he rammed his antlers into my hip. Now I can't run in the marathon I have been training for a year to race in. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2020 05:01

Spoiled for choice

Today, my bedroom in my gran's house gets the most sun in the evenings. There is no AC, not even a fan, and the only place cool enough to sleep is the basement. Which probably hasn’t been cleaned since the '80s, and I have to share it with the biggest spider ever and a beehive in the roller shutter casing. FML

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By indianaxx - France

Today, my dad came out of a hotel bathroom with nothing but a wash-cloth over his crotch and said "look! this place has cotton loin clothes" in front of my wedding party. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I canceled my Gamefly account. Seems that was the only thing keeping us together. FML

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By notpreggers - United States

Today, the creepy skin care guy at the mall with the heavy accent asked me if I was pregnant. When I said no he replied "Oh, too many donuts then?" FML

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By Bob - United States - New Bedford

Today, after saving for months to have a few hundred bucks set aside, the government sent me a car tax bill from 2010. Yep, 8 years ago. They want the interest on the bill too. Broke again. FML

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By kayla53 - United States - Elmer

Today, my boyfriend posted pictures of him at the bar last night with his ex. And ones of them in her bed this morning. I guess we're sleeping with other people? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a first date to the movies. During the flick, I choked on a piece of popcorn. I took a gulp of soda and that got stuck as well. I finally got my breath back and let out the loudest burp I ever have. He looked at me and said "Does this mean I can fart now?" FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#748723 - Friday 1 January 2010 15:10

Plus, your dad is a cat person, right?

What's the big deal about doggie-style anyways? My wife and I do that all the time -- I beg and she rolls over and plays dead.

By v1kt4r | 13

#748670 - Friday 1 January 2010 14:08

If your parents can still tell you who you can or cannot see, you're not supzd to be even fucking
Thats makes this that much worse, definitely FYL

COMMENTS

By Blue_Coconuts | 7

#748574 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:07

ah, daddy's little whore... ardorable.

Reply

responses | 0

#807976 - Friday 29 January 2010 20:45

Today I walked in on my daughter having sex with a boy I told her not to date. did I mention doggy style? FML

Reply

winterharte | 0

#821362 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 10:57

@63- That was pretty fail.

Reply

Philosophic | 0

#833582 - Monday 8 February 2010 5:28

Bro - you have no idea how fucking hungry I am.

Reply

tinkerbell1357 | 0

#915831 - Friday 5 March 2010 4:11

ok???

Reply

taylorxsayss | 0

#960640 - Thursday 18 March 2010 3:35

what's doggie style?

Reply

chloelovestoswim | 6

#985971 - Tuesday 27 April 2010 14:23

ask ur mom #75 lmao

Reply

bballer55 | 0

#1013354 - Monday 31 May 2010 4:56

wow 75 ure dumb

anti flood strikes again :(

Reply

deliciouscake | 3

#1016098 - Wednesday 2 June 2010 7:15

No u

Reply

glorialaura21 | 8

#1053531 - Friday 2 July 2010 7:04

lol 75 are u twelve ?

Reply

Lucas_The_Troll | 0

#1137348 - Sunday 25 July 2010 9:39

hah best position

Reply

soul_fml | 0

#1177351 - Monday 2 August 2010 15:41

Best? whathapoened to missionary?

Reply

Macromartyr | 3

#1286109 - Sunday 22 August 2010 20:16

Damn I want to have sex so bad right now...

By annalovescheese | 0

#748575 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:07

sluzza.

By iangoodall311278 | 0

#748577 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:07

like your style! :-)

Reply

brenkite | 5

#2965565 - Sunday 24 July 2011 18:08

she's not "seeing" him

Reply

baby610 | 4

#3470954 - Saturday 22 October 2011 9:05

I agree with 3 that's pretty hot;)

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#5554254 - Thursday 27 June 2013 2:13

I just found this FML through random and discovered that I had already voted FYL on it. wtf was I thinking back then?!

By joshhh11 | 0

#748579 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:08

I agree with #2 sluzzzzaaaaa

By fatalkiss | 0

#748605 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:30

doggy's beast. when my gma walked in I was riding my bf. I thought shed have a heart attack

Reply

NIRVANAfan123 | 0

#898377 - Saturday 27 February 2010 21:08

niiice! wat ended up happening?

Reply

kaycox3 | 0

#1593243 - Sunday 24 October 2010 6:37

same thing happened to me with my gma hahaha her fake teeth fell out... p.s. she's not a slut! sex happens(:

Reply

TorturedXeno | 27

#5088984 - Sunday 28 October 2012 1:38

Well, did she?

Reply

esines | 9

#5655036 - Monday 2 September 2013 15:41

Cool story whore

Reply

KolbeLogan | 6

#5663703 - Sunday 8 September 2013 1:38

Skut

By g3rusz | 6

#748609 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:38

There's a thing called "pin tumbler lock". No, it's not a position from the Kama Sutra, but you might want to learn how to use it... it prevents anyone walking in on you.

Reply

bridgette5866 | 0

#922703 - Sunday 7 March 2010 22:02

Hahahahahaahahaha win.

By jf7609 | 0

#748646 - Friday 1 January 2010 13:25

lol that's awesome....the style that is! :D

By tbbucs | 0

#748657 - Friday 1 January 2010 13:43

lmao...and you dad doesn't like him why?

Reply

Brightblue2 | 14

#6334233 - Sunday 28 June 2015 6:04

Probably because they were caught having sex or they found out they were...

By v1kt4r | 13

#748670 - Friday 1 January 2010 14:08

If your parents can still tell you who you can or cannot see, you're not supzd to be even fucking
Thats makes this that much worse, definitely FYL

Reply

bballer55 | 0

#1013357 - Monday 31 May 2010 4:59

ure picture wins bro!!!!!!!

Reply

ily4life | 0

#1067176 - Tuesday 6 July 2010 10:38

agreed that's just wrong your probably way too young and that's the reason you aren't suppose to be with that guy! listening to your parents tends to help you in life, oh well just hope your not prego haha

Reply

film_addict1129 | 16

#4516724 - Sunday 3 June 2012 16:12

That really depends on the parents...
I know people who are 18 or 20 and because they live at home while going to uni, their parents still try and tell them what to do and who they can see - does this mean they're too young to be having sex? I think not

Reply

Brightblue2 | 14

#6334234 - Sunday 28 June 2015 6:07

My partners mother is very controlling and he's almost 20... He still has a curfew of 10 but only when he's with me.

By JarheadX_fml | 0

#748719 - Friday 1 January 2010 15:05

you were cought, so might as well kept on getting fucked

Reply

nikkamad | 0

#1870206 - Monday 20 December 2010 16:55

loool you gotta point