Today, my fiancé and I decided to engage in some erotic food... - FML

By welted - 1/1/2010 05:21 - Canada

Today, my fiancé and I decided to engage in some erotic food play. She covered every region of my body, including my genitals, with strawberry sauce. Today also happens to be the day that I found out I'm allergic to strawberries. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27023

You deserved it

4192

Tweet

Share

Rock, hard place

Race against the clock

Bad guy (duh)

By szinna - 7/6/2009 19:14 - United States

Today, in an effort to seduce my husband, I laid in bed caressing myself. He walked in, looked at me, and said, "Is the ground beef in the freezer still good?" When I answered yes, he turned and walked out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57909

You deserved it

6749

Tweet

Share

By NikkiiFireStarter - 20/10/2009 10:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my 10 year old step-brother has an obsession with fire, after he burnt all the belongings in my room, including an £600 guitar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41993

You deserved it

2907

Tweet

Share

By houdinette - 22/11/2013 23:14 - Sweden - Norrk?ping

Today, while driving home, I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that my three-year-old daughter had managed to get out of her seat and had crawled to the back window. I pulled over and strapped her in again. Five minutes later she was back at the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43117

You deserved it

5937

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/9/2018 22:15

Today, I was flirting with a guy and we ended up having a deep conversation through text. We were talking all our problems, and saying really sweet things to each other. I THOUGHT he was going to say something else really sweet and cute. He linked me to Suicide Hotline instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2814

You deserved it

495

Tweet

Share

By fuck you, bitchcake - 10/11/2013 18:26 - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, at the movies, some asswipe kept throwing candy at me. After 20 minutes of it, I got up and went over to get him to stop. Good news: his balls vanished faster than a politician's spine immediately after being elected. Bad news: I got kicked out for "starting a disturbance". FML

I agree, your life sucks

41205

You deserved it

3756

Tweet

Share

By Noname - 29/1/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, a toddler's play ball rolled over to me in the park. I playfully pitched it to him as his parents watched from afar. The ball hit him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27636

You deserved it

3860

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/5/2015 14:43 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, I went indoor rock climbing. After finally making it to the top, my pants ripped on my last move. I wasn't wearing any underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24012

You deserved it

21369

Tweet

Share

By Alex - 26/3/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, I realized my friends and I should be more careful what we say around my younger brother. I never thought he was paying attention until today. My stepmom told him it was time to go to bed. He responded, "I think it's time for you to suck one." My brother is 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19150

You deserved it

76630

Tweet

Share

By 404: Sanity Not Found - 27/1/2016 15:35 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26091

You deserved it

5076

Tweet

Share

By Cereal_mistress - 7/10/2013 18:54 - United States - Sonoma

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the doctor's for an ultrasound, as I'm 7 months pregnant. Then he went home and took his wife out to dinner for her birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34703

You deserved it

95785

Tweet

Share

By LeChameauTrisomique - 14/3/2014 04:33 - France - Saint-germain-de-la-grange

Today, in the middle of a Spanish oral exam, I start to panic. My teacher suggests I say whatever pops into my head. I blurt out, "Heeey Macarena!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

44504

You deserved it

8912

Tweet

Share

By alltern8ive - 9/11/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to be romantic by dipping me backwards and kissing me. He dropped me on my butt and stepped on my hand while trying to help me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30203

You deserved it

5087

Tweet

Share

By HOLY SHIT, A WALKING SNOWGLOBE - 9/12/2012 21:52 - United Kingdom - Dagenham

Today, I went on a blind date. My date turned out to be very hot, and I had high hopes. That is, until she ran her hand through her hair as she approached, sending some kind of horrifying, miasmic mist of dandruff and dead skin floating through the air behind her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25363

You deserved it

7750

Tweet

Share

By Rob - 1/12/2009 06:57 - United States

Today, I finally released my first music album. I dropped out of college to pay for it after my friends who liked my music urged me to. They keep telling me how much they love the CD. I've only sold one copy. Turns out they put it on a sharing site so only one of them would have to buy it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38700

You deserved it

15367

Tweet

Share

By Arcam - 13/9/2012 17:25 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I had my first accident in 5 years of driving. I clipped a Ford Fiesta, mirror to mirror. His mirror is totally destroyed. Mine is fine. I was so stressed afterwards that I reversed straight into another car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23682

You deserved it

8769

Tweet

Share

By Clorpy - 30/3/2018 07:00

#priceless

Today, I was at the Kings Avalanche game in Denver. Anže Kopitar scored a hat trick and people threw hats in. Someone ripped my own hat off my head and tossed it on the ice. It was a gift from my dead grandparents with my name stitched onto it. I’ve had it for 15 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5859

You deserved it

370

Tweet

Share

By Pwnedofthedead - 3/10/2009 15:34 - Canada

Today, I was walking to my friends Halloween themed birthday party in my zombie costume. Apparently, my crazy coke addicted neighbor found the costume too realistic. He tackled me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43690

You deserved it

3765

Tweet

Share

By tatatest - 6/4/2012 03:02 - United States - Casselberry

Today, I was taking a really big test in a class that I was failing. It was worth at least 7 grades so I studied my butt off. During the test, a girl with huge breasts sat down next to me and I couldn't stop staring. My test got confiscated because they thought I was cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11446

You deserved it

58725

Tweet

Share

By really? - 28/5/2013 08:09 - United States - Highland

Today, I was stuck home with a cold when my boyfriend's best friend sent me a text saying, "You doing alright?" I replied, thinking he was talking about my health. He replied, "I'm surprised you're taking the breakup so well." What breakup? Mine. He was ten minutes too soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59666

You deserved it

3434

Tweet

Share

By Gabriel A - 15/1/2011 04:05 - United States

Today, I found some nude vintage pictures in my house. I decided to beat my meat to them. Later I found out it was my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18230

You deserved it

83967

Tweet

Share

By xTRYSOFTx - 7/3/2020 03:00 - United States

Crime scene

Today, I called the police because I thought a burglar had broken into our house. I found out the strange noise was just my dog fucking about, so I smashed a small window and kicked down a door so I wouldn't be embarrassed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

452

You deserved it

1942

Tweet

Share

By DeannaMarie - 26/12/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, I found out the gift card my friend gave me for Christmas actually has no money on it and was never purchased in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30206

You deserved it

2329

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 8/5/2009 03:38 - Canada

Today, I was at a family get together with distant relatives. My grandma made a point to say how all of the grandkids brought their boyfriends or girlfriends. She looks at me, then turns to everyone and says "But not our Becky! She is more interested in her cats right now than finding a man." FML

I agree, your life sucks

53871

You deserved it

6789

Tweet

Share

By vegas-81 - 10/2/2014 03:39 - France

Today, I came home from a night out with the lads. My girlfriend refused to make love to me, saying my sperm were drunk and would raise hell in her uterus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50491

You deserved it

16360

Tweet

Share

By baybuh - 30/12/2010 17:26 - United States

Today, I realized that the cute freckle I noticed a few weeks ago is actually a giant blackhead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12854

You deserved it

26340

Tweet

Share

By Birthday blues - 13/12/2018 22:00

Today, it's my birthday. I lit my birthday candles on the cake I made myself and blew them out alone, while my worthless husband sat on the couch stuffing Doritos in his face. My present? He sprayed Lysol in the bathroom after he took a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3904

You deserved it

519

Tweet

Share

By d0rk_ - 2/9/2011 20:44 - Canada

Today, I was in English when I had to use the bathroom. As I was signing out, the teacher said "Don't forget the hall pass!" It was a plunger. I have to walk across my school with a plunger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28336

You deserved it

5210

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/10/2013 23:55 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been sleeping around. After telling my best friend, I also found out that he and a few others have known for the past month. He asked, shocked, "Dude, I thought you knew?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

48482

You deserved it

3927

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 31/5/2009 22:09 - United States

Today, I went to put my laptop on a desk when I got a text message. I was startled by my ringtone and dropped my laptop on the ground. It now has dent marks on the bottom. The text message was from an annoying friend simply saying "I'm eating a hot dog." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46560

You deserved it

14499

Tweet

Share

By peoplesuck - 14/5/2009 07:51 - United States

Today, I stayed up all night to study for my anatomy final at 9 a.m. I studied outside the testing room in the hall all night. Apparently I feel asleep with my headphones as my friend woke me up after walking out of the test asking how I did. 300 classmates walked by and no one woke me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

67963

You deserved it

15486

Tweet

Share

By IcedTaco - 13/7/2016 19:40 - Ukraine

Today, the guy I was dating told me he thought I was a good person. His reasoning? I'm not ugly enough to be a bad person, but I'm not pretty enough, either. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11560

You deserved it

854

Tweet

Share

By Vehophobic - 21/9/2020 07:05 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Not a car person

Today, my grandfather called me for the first time since lockdown. Just like the last 3 times we spoke, he tried to pressure me into learning to drive, despite my making it clear that it absolutely terrifies me. He won't stop asking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

767

You deserved it

610

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/5/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, I was lying on the couch with my boyfriend and was feeling tired, so I got a soda. I sat back down and surprised him with a passionate kiss. I also surprised him when I suddenly burped right into his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21140

You deserved it

47472

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/9/2011 08:17 - South Africa

Today, my girlfriend gave me a speech on me "not being manly enough". I started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20261

You deserved it

51813

Tweet

Share

By me - 24/4/2014 15:32 - United States - Paris

Today, my Spanish teacher imitated the sound of a coffee grinder, and then said in Spanish, "OK, all of you do it." I did it, thinking everyone else would too. I was the only one in the class who'd understood the Spanish part. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46170

You deserved it

5217

Tweet

Share

By - 20/12/2019 20:00

Christmas pictures

Today, I walked in on my mom taking nude pictures of herself in the kitchen, wearing just a Santa hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2721

You deserved it

286

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/3/2015 18:20 - United States

Today, I had my first concert and was really anxious about screwing up my performance. Good news: I played fine. Bad news: as I walked off the stage, I tripped over my own feet, face-planted the floor, and busted my nose open. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34623

You deserved it

3029

Tweet

Share

By SweetFA - 20/8/2009 00:01 - Canada

Today, I brought my little sons into work with me. I introduced them to my boss. She said to my shy kids, "You boys don't know me, do you? I'm Janice." The older one lit up and said, "Oh, I know you, mommy complains about you all the time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44407

You deserved it

17090

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/6/2013 18:49 - France - Le Rove

Today, I woke up to my bratty younger sister cutting through my hair with a pair of scissors. I now look like a freak, and my mum bitched me out for being angry, all because my sister claimed she'd been sleep-walking. Her demented smirk said otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54197

You deserved it

3141

Tweet

Share

By Charity Taylor - 5/10/2019 18:00

Totally worth it

Today, after 8 years of being guinea-pigged for medical testing that "might work" on my ribcage for chronic pain, I finally caved and tried going to a pain clinic. The doctors' responses mostly consisted of, "That's weird" and, "That doesn't make any sense." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1436

You deserved it

101

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By NatzSwifey | 0

#748634 - Friday 1 January 2010 13:10

For you to be engaged must mean that you are of a certain age, have you never come across strawberries before now?

By xMrAndyTranx | 4

#748635 - Friday 1 January 2010 13:10

Did you atleast put some whipped cream in her mouth?

COMMENTS

By valeriekirsten | 0

#748569 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:03

that really sucks! lol

By MyKillz | 0

#748572 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:05

Was it worth it?

By cascor | 0

#748587 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:11

you barely find this out now?

By gr8nothingness | 0

#748613 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:43

at least ur still alive to tell us!

By NatzSwifey | 0

#748634 - Friday 1 January 2010 13:10

For you to be engaged must mean that you are of a certain age, have you never come across strawberries before now?

Reply

Cheetahman103 | 0

#989328 - Saturday 8 May 2010 6:24

I know! I'm guessing this fake or she from
a dif country or something.

Reply

KayleeFrye | 39

#1248313 - Sunday 15 August 2010 22:54

It is possible for food allergies to pop up later in life. My dad ate strawberries many times as a kid with no problems, but in his early twenties he started having an allergic reaction to them.

By xMrAndyTranx | 4

#748635 - Friday 1 January 2010 13:10

Did you atleast put some whipped cream in her mouth?

By jf7609 | 0

#748645 - Friday 1 January 2010 13:23

ohh man, that really sucks. hope the boys are alright

By The_Norwegian | 2

#748666 - Friday 1 January 2010 14:03

lol @ #6.. :)

By Chrissa_fml | 0

#748725 - Friday 1 January 2010 15:10

awwww that sucks haha. whip cream? =]

Reply

evamusical | 12

#3536363 - Thursday 3 November 2011 15:50

Melted chocolate? ^^

By JarheadX_fml | 0

#748728 - Friday 1 January 2010 15:12

I agree with #5