Today, my fiancé and I decided to engage in some erotic food... - FML

By welted - 1/1/2010 05:21 - Canada

Today, my fiancé and I decided to engage in some erotic food play. She covered every region of my body, including my genitals, with strawberry sauce. Today also happens to be the day that I found out I'm allergic to strawberries. FML

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Nice neighborhood

Assumptions

Headache

By apparentlytoofat - 26/4/2020 05:00

Superficial World

Today, my husband said he thinks of me as more of a roommate than a romantic interest, and he’s wouldn't be that attracted to me unless I lose another 20 pounds. I was just celebrating that I’d lost 5 pounds already in April. Stress makes it harder to lose weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 01:53 - United States

Today, my friend got drunk. He always pukes when he gets drunk, but I decided to drive him home anyway. He didn't puke the whole ride. We arrived at his house and he got out. Right as I was about to drive away he stumbled back to my car because he forgot his wallet. He grabbed it and puked on me. FML

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By crinitis - 28/1/2016 16:05 - Canada - Ancaster

Today, I found out my parents only had me in an attempt to fix their relationship. It didn't work. FML

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By LCDhell - 14/11/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, my husband bought a new 80-inch TV. Not only can we barely afford it, but it also blocks our doorways no matter where we put it. He refuses to return it. FML

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By Hlaalette - 13/5/2015 13:57 - Belgium

Today, I managed to throw my back out by blowing my nose. FML

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By Notsurewhattofeelaboutthis - 7/8/2015 02:55 - Australia - Ashfield

Today, I discovered that my ex-girlfriend writes erotic fiction describing all of my moves in intimate detail. The whole internet gets to critique my entire sexual repertoire. FML

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By AFGirlfriend - 28/3/2011 19:10 - United States

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My boyfriend and I have been dying to have kids together. This would be an exciting moment if he wasn't deploying in June and will miss everything except the morning sickness. FML

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By Rainman - 14/6/2009 20:39 - United States

Today, I had to water my entire garden. After an exhausting hour of watering hundreds of plants, I turned off the hose and started to feel good about the grueling job. That is, until it started pouring rain. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 04:49 - Canada

Today, my mom had a talk with me while my dad was out. She said to stop using her lotion for my masturbation sessions. I asked her how long did she know. She replied with, "Ever since we put up that camera in the living room for burglars, where you happen to watch your porn." FML

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By middleagednurse - 4/10/2017 23:37

Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML

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By SoreNips - 12/4/2013 23:57 - United Kingdom - Brentwood

Today, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend, when she reached over and twisted my nipples to the point of tears. I'm still not sure what in the name of Dawkins I did to deserve that. FML

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By padthaimeanoose - 19/7/2015 03:29 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I went on my first date in 6 months, to a Thai restaurant. We both got food poisoning and spent the entire evening alternately running to the bathroom while pretending that we were fine. FML

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By trembelwick - 3/12/2011 10:04 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend refered to her vagina as a meat wallet, and to my penis as small change. FML

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By MadameM - 26/2/2009 08:17 - United States

Today, I accidentally locked my car and house keys along with my phone in my car. Then I had to break into my own house looking for the spare. Someone called the police and I had to explain that I lived there. I forgot to grab the spare when I went to talk to the police officers I locked the door behind me. FML

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By Epiphany - 19/7/2012 09:01 - United States

Today, I finally realized how depressed I am when I found bubble wrap and didn't feel like popping it. FML

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By JessykaB - 28/8/2010 05:49 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets the same amount of entertainment out of tickling me and having sex with me, and he likes the tickling noises better. FML

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By okthen - 10/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

One day with him

Today, I finally made a move on the guy I've been crushing on for years...by getting so drunk that I puked in his lap. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 14:11

Today, I ate dinner sitting on the floor. My petty roommate got pissed off during the weekend and decided the appropriate action would be to lock all the furniture in her room and refuse to give it back. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2019 02:01

Economy class

Today, my wife and I moved into our new place. I'm recovering from back surgery and out of work. To help make up the rent, her boyfriend moved in too. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2009 11:11 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend stacks things on me while I sleep. Apparently his record is 4 pillows, a textbook, and the cat. FML

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By William - 25/11/2008 04:27 - France

Today, we had the (great?) idea of having sex on a bean bag before my roomate got back home. Result: thousands of small polystyrene balls all over the living room. And no, they can't be picked up in 30 minutes. FML

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By SierraCheyenne - 30/4/2013 01:57 - United States - Hannibal

Today, my parents finally got married. At the after-party, my mother got drunk and informed me that even though she and my father were now married, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still a bastard. FML

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By Aintnosunshine - 31/12/2009 03:48 - France

Today, I attended a speed dating evening. After 7 minutes, the girl told me she wasn't interested. I asked her at what point of the conversation she had made up her mind, she answered: "When you said 'Hello'. Goodbye". FML

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By wormsick - 6/12/2009 09:16 - United States

Today, I found out my diet and exercise plan wasn't nearly as effective when it comes to weight loss as I had originally thought. It turns out what really accounts for all the weight I've been losing is tape worms. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2013 21:57 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend asked me if she looked fat in her new pair of jeans. Knowing I was probably about two seconds away from all hell breaking loose, I instinctively tried to save my game, before remembering I wasn't playing a video game. I really need to get a life. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2013 22:08 - United States - Marsing

Today, I told my boyfriend that I've missed my period, and that I think I might be pregnant. He started panicking and ended up puking in the toilet. FML

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By Welcome to Florida - 20/7/2017 13:01

Psssssych!

Today, my son's glasses were missing. My bathroom is not well lit, but I noticed something sticking out from under the toilet seat. I excitedly grabbed it, thinking I saw the band of the glasses. Nope, it was a snake. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 00:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother, my aunt, and my two sisters are all on their periods. I can't even brush my teeth in my own house without being treated like a criminal. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2015 21:57 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I realized my sister has a yeast infection. How, you ask? Her tube of yeast infection cream and my tube of toothpaste look remarkably similar. I'm still trying to get the taste out of my mouth. FML

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By wellfuckyoutoo - 24/11/2015 17:45 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, a close friend came over with her three-year-old son. The child used a crayon on the walls, flushed my money down the toilet, and threw up. My friend was seriously offended when I asked her to help me clean everything up. FML

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By MBean - 24/10/2013 18:04 - Anguilla - The Valley

Today, I saw a wasp on the ground, apparently injured and unable to fly. It was being mobbed by ants and looked certain to die, so I stamped on the ants to save its life. At this point it sprung up, stung me, then flew off. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2015 12:16 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I saw my ex boyfriend walking down the street in my direction. I've put on a bunch of weight since we broke up, so I turned to look in the nearest shop window, hoping he wouldn't notice. Unfortunately he did see me, looking straight at a KFC. FML

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By aragmir - 18/12/2016 06:10 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, while working at a nursing home, I was alone in the station and figured I could sneak one out. It wound up being very loud, and I could hear the faint snickering of a patient in the next room. Every time he saw me for the rest of the day he would burst out laughing. FML

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By franzbiel - 31/10/2009 12:54 - Switzerland

Today, my father decided that since he's paying for my flat, he will use it twice a week to have it off with his girlfriend while I'm away. My parents are still together. FML

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By Madmanmorton - 16/6/2011 18:34 - United States

Today, after a long night of drinking and partying, I woke up in my bed next to a beast of a woman. At least I know I made it home safely. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2010 12:17 - United States

Today, I found out I can sneak out of my house... but not back in. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 23:01 - Canada

Today, I went to class with my bag packed for a weekend trip when it began to vibrate violently. Stopping mid-lecture, the professor approached me and asked politely if I could turn off my cell phone as I was disturbing the other 150 pupils in the class. It was my personal vibrator. FML

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By buster - 13/2/2009 08:06 - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on stage at a local preschool about fire safety. I'm 32 years old and passed out on stage because I felt extremely nervous and intimitated by a group of 4 year olds. FML

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By NotSoSexy - 26/11/2009 00:39 - United States

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend and absent-mindedly began sucking on a marker. He jokingly told me it was sexy, so I continued while making obscene gestures and moans. Suddenly he began to look nervous. I turned around to see my dad looking at me, disgusted and confused. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2015 05:35

Today, after a 16-hour work day, I came home to my husband. I talked to him for about 10 minutes, then realized that he wasn't answering me but had his headset on and was talking on Xbox live. Not even playing a game, just talking. FML

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Top comments

By NatzSwifey | 0

#748634 - Friday 1 January 2010 13:10

For you to be engaged must mean that you are of a certain age, have you never come across strawberries before now?

By xMrAndyTranx | 4

#748635 - Friday 1 January 2010 13:10

Did you atleast put some whipped cream in her mouth?

Comments

By valeriekirsten | 0

#748569 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:03

that really sucks! lol

By MyKillz | 0

#748572 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:05

Was it worth it?

By cascor | 0

#748587 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:11

you barely find this out now?

By gr8nothingness | 0

#748613 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:43

at least ur still alive to tell us!

By NatzSwifey | 0

#748634 - Friday 1 January 2010 13:10

For you to be engaged must mean that you are of a certain age, have you never come across strawberries before now?

Reply

Cheetahman103 | 0

#989328 - Saturday 8 May 2010 6:24

I know! I'm guessing this fake or she from
a dif country or something.

Reply

KayleeFrye | 39

#1248313 - Sunday 15 August 2010 22:54

It is possible for food allergies to pop up later in life. My dad ate strawberries many times as a kid with no problems, but in his early twenties he started having an allergic reaction to them.

By xMrAndyTranx | 4

#748635 - Friday 1 January 2010 13:10

Did you atleast put some whipped cream in her mouth?

By jf7609 | 0

#748645 - Friday 1 January 2010 13:23

ohh man, that really sucks. hope the boys are alright

By The_Norwegian | 2

#748666 - Friday 1 January 2010 14:03

lol @ #6.. :)

By Chrissa_fml | 0

#748725 - Friday 1 January 2010 15:10

awwww that sucks haha. whip cream? =]

Reply

evamusical | 12

#3536363 - Thursday 3 November 2011 15:50

Melted chocolate? ^^

By JarheadX_fml | 0

#748728 - Friday 1 January 2010 15:12

I agree with #5