Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend told me it was her fantasy to orgasm at...

By FavreFan99 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me it was her fantasy to orgasm at midnight on New Years. We got started at 11:53. I didn't last until midnight. FML

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Intimacy

And today, on Dr Phil…

Instadrama

Judgmental

By Anonymous - 25/9/2020 16:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Prison Break

Today, I went to my daughter's best friends birthday party, only to find my ex there, who is now sleeping with the mother, who has a fiancé in prison, who isn't going to be happy when he gets out. Most awkward kids birthday party ever. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 05:02

The urge

Today, I realised why I’m so irritable these days. My former flatmate smoked so many cigarettes that, now he’s moved out and taken the smoke with him, I’m going through nicotine withdrawal. I realised this after I saw cigarettes in a shop and couldn’t stop staring at them. FML

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By shanson - United States - San Antonio

Today, my mother lectured me for not spending enough time with her. We literally just got back from a 10 day vacation together. FML

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By msnewyearseve - United States

Today, I woke up after a long night of partying. When I went to wash off my face, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My missing tooth was almost enough to make me overlook my black eye. FML

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By fiendishkitty - United States

Today, six years after hurricane Katrina took everything from me, I received a letter in the mail from FEMA telling me that I have to repay them the money I received to replace what was lost. I have 30 days to repay $4,900 or the case will be sent into federal debt collection. FML

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By weeks - United States

Today, my mom explained to me that looking up gay porn on the internet is bad. I didn't look up gay porn. The only other person who uses the laptop is my dad. I couldn't tell her the truth and had to pretend I enjoy gay fanfiction. FML

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By downinthedumps - United States - Detroit

Today, I went to take a piss in a public bathroom. Somehow, I managed to completely jam the lock. After minutes of trying to get myself out, I gave up and crawled under the stall, at which point someone walked in and was very surprised to see me on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my very good friend ratted me out to my boss because I used the photocopier for personal use. He said he will always be my friend, but "rules are rules." FML

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By John - United States

Today, I began to walk across the street when I saw a very familiar old lady struggle across it. I walked over to help her, and only after she had blown her rape whistle and socked me in the nuts did she realize I was her grandson. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend sent me a bumper sticker that said, "Do you know that gullible said slowly sounds like 'green bears'?" I spent quite a few minutes trying to get gullible to sound like green bears until I realized that it didn't. FML

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By fatblooddonor

Today, I donated blood at a blood drive. As is the usual for blood drives, I was offered a shirt after donating. The worker handing out the shirts asked me for my size. I said that I was a medium. He looked me over, then asked, "Are you sure?" FML

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By theapplesleader - United States - Washington

Yucky!

Today, I picked my dog up and nibbled her ear. On the tip of her ear was a large tick, which burst, sending blood into my mouth. FML

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By great - United States - Porter

Today, the girl I've been seeing for just over a week casually let me know that she'll slash her wrists if I ever leave her. FML

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By man - United States

Today, I was hit by a car. I called my girlfriend from the hospital and asked her if she could pick me up. She responded by saying "Fuck you, you aways tell me what to do!" and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my roommate's pets conspired against me. "The dog ate my homework" has apparently become too clichéd for them. The new excuses are, "My cat chewed through my laptop power cable" and "the gecko ate my pen drive." FML

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By onemoredonut - United States - Herndon

Today, while directing traffic in uniform, I tripped over a traffic cone and fell straight on my butt in the middle of a busy intersection. FML

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By AgathedeBlouse - France

Today, as I do every morning, I woke up and gave my dog, who sleeps next to me, a kiss on the nose. Except that this morning he had been sleeping the other way round. I kissed him on the arse. FML

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By biggieT - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Actor's Studio

Today, I was having sex with my wife, when she fell asleep. She then woke up and started moaning, clearly faking an orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was pissed that I got a £60 parking ticket so rang my friend to rant about it. I then got pulled over by the cops for using my phone, and was fined £120. FML

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By thxmom - United States - West Jordan

Today, I learned that my mother has been telling people that I need anger management. I'm not attending anger management, I'm attending therapy to aid in my recovery from abusive relationships. She doesn't understand the difference or why I find it upsetting. FML

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By Downanout

Today, I found out I did so horrible during my interview that I didn’t even get a rejection email. FML

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By oops - United States - Mankato

Today, I accidentally farted while shopping. There was an awkward silence followed by a god-awful stink and a lady's little girl bursting into tears. FML

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By Samuel - Canada

Today, I woke up to find my power was out. After taking a shower in the dark and being unable to make myself lunch, my power came on two minutes before I had to leave for school. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Hadley

Today, I was buying condoms but was a little embarrassed so I went to the self-check. I scanned the condoms, then a magazine and tried to put the condoms under the magazines to hide them. The store guy saw me, thought I was shoplifting and I was kicked out of the store. FML

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By mishyb - United States - Englewood

Today, my horse farted and scared itself, then ran all the way up the hill and wouldn't stop until I fell off. FML

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By jkmartinjk - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, on an important call with a potential employer, he began to speak quieter and quieter until I couldn't hear him at all. When I finally hung up after waiting for 5 minutes, I realized that I had been pressing down on the volume button. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Crown Point

Today, my mom called me in a panic because someone had hacked my phone and was sending her evil faces. They were emojis I'd accidentally butt-dialed. FML

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By NoSacredSpace

Today, I can finally say there’s no part of my body that hasn’t had a pimple show up. I found a zit on my clit. FML

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By mugged - Germany

Today, I went to the Salvation Army to donate some clothes. As I was handing over the 4 huge bags that I had carried for 10 blocks, while 6 months pregnant, somebody stole my purse. FML

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By Less - Reserved

Today, I decided to improve my posture by sitting through all of my classes with my shoulders and back completely straight. Pretty soon I couldn't move my shoulders at all. I had to go to the chiropractor. It turns out that in trying to improve my posture, I misaligned my spine instead. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was using the toilet and decided to check out some FMLs. One made me laugh out loud as my room-mate was passing by the bathroom. He now tells everyone my penis is so small it makes even me laugh every time I see it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was going to the bathroom at work. When I stood up, I noticed a little button on the side. I pressed it and the toilet flushed. I've worked there for nine months and just found out today that our toilets don't flush automatically. FML

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By how about never? - United States - San Fernando

Today, I gave birth to my first child. The first thing my husband says? "When can I hit it again, doc?" FML

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By okay then - United States - Avon Lake

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he found out my birthday is the same day as his, and he thinks we are twins who were separated at birth. FML

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By bugger

Today, I looked my boyfriend in the eyes and said "I love y-" He cut me off with, "Babe, a blowjob's worth a thousand words" and held eye contact until I awkwardly excused myself. FML

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By Mr. King - United Kingdom - London

Today, whilst walking past a large pond-sized puddle, a double decker bus and a van slowed and drove around the puddle so as not to splash me. Thinking luck was on my side, I began walking more confidently, only for a tiny smart car to come hurtling past, causing a huge wave of water to hit me. FML

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17823

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By Oh God

Today, I met my new boyfriend’s family for the first time. Unfortunately for me, his dad walked in to ask what we wanted for dinner while we were having sex. Even worse was that my boyfriend kept going while his dad was there, and his dad later said he was glad I was “the woman”. FML

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By Tjop - South Africa

Today, my girlfriend of 3 and half years broke up with me, just after I fixed-up her house that took me about 3 and a half years. FML

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By Mxx - 12/3/2020 12:30 - United Kingdom

Marcel Duchamp would be proud

Today, I was looking through an old box of personal artwork when I realised the entire box was damp. This was all my own art from the past 3 years, smudged and smelling of cat urine. I was supposed to showcase some of it in a competition winning gallery this month. FML

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By Anonymous - Russian Federation - Lipetsk

Today, I was back home from work drinking coffee when I heard someone open the door with a key. It was my boyfriend, who obviously didn't expect to see me home. We don't live together, and I never gave him a key. FML

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Top comments

By Bussed | 0

#749379 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:08

There are still options at that point...

By ironwords | 8

#2246202 - Sunday 27 March 2011 1:05

??? are you the product of incest?

COMMENTS

By crabbyxboom | 0

#749369 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:05

hhahaha. I laughed a little.

tessitada | 0

#749386 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:09

You can't get her off without your penis? sad...

yankees1149 | 0

#996444 - Tuesday 18 May 2010 3:32

lol

By Alien_WEIRDO | 0

#749370 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:05

Haha, aw.. that is really sad.

By teamwork | 0

#749375 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:07

read some sex books

By Bussed | 0

#749379 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:08

There are still options at that point...

By Dawkrida | 0

#749391 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:12

hahah nice

By KamilleBlack | 3

#749402 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:18

sucks. I guess it wasn't a happy New years after all xD

By GanjAxZermA | 0

#749404 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:24

maybe ur not that good..

By harajukujunkie | 0

#749408 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:27

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

ironwords | 8

#2246202 - Sunday 27 March 2011 1:05

??? are you the product of incest?

stoych | 19

#3036644 - Thursday 4 August 2011 10:49

ha ha @ ironwords! i was actually reading as that too!

RachaelAnna92 | 3

#6061719 - Wednesday 10 September 2014 23:00

Haha really? Wow you just amazed me with your stupidity!

RachaelAnna92 | 3

#6061720 - Wednesday 10 September 2014 23:01

hahahaha she sure sounds like it!

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6363184 - Monday 27 July 2015 16:37

See, people get mad at foreigners working in the drive-through but it's people like this that really butcher the English language...
SMH

By Roseballs | 2

#749416 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:36

why didn't you finger her

By Cupcaken | 0

#749430 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:47

celvis excercise!

I have no idea if I spelled that right (I'm a dane), sorry? xD