Today, my girlfriend told me it was her fantasy to orgasm at...

By FavreFan99 - 1/1/2010 17:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me it was her fantasy to orgasm at midnight on New Years. We got started at 11:53. I didn't last until midnight. FML

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Intimacy

Instadrama

Incognito browsing

Mr Sensitivity

By Anonymous - 1/2/2013 22:13 - Romania - Cluj-napoca

Today, I asked my bosses for three weeks off in July to go on a much-needed vacation. Their response was to fire me on the spot. My bosses are my aunt and uncle. FML

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By Steve - 13/9/2017 04:30

Today, I helped my girlfriend pick out a pretty dress for a corporate event. It turns out the first use it was going to see was a date with her side dick. FML

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By thanksdad - 3/7/2012 01:20 - United States - Beaverton

Today, my dad was helping my fiancé and me move. On the way, someone sideswiped the trailer. When the police came, we found my dad had a suspended license, no insurance, and a broken tail light. No one else could drive a manual, so we were stuck in a parking lot for 3 hours. Thanks, dad. FML

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By lbg2msf - 6/11/2013 18:08 - United States - Biloxi

Today, I walked under a tree and heard birds chirping from above. I stopped and looked up, only to catch a face full of bird shit. FML

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By colebear - 27/5/2011 08:45 - United States

Today, I went to hand in a job application, and the supervisor wanted to ask me a few questions. I was nervous so I kept touching the fabric on a nearby display table. Only after I left did my friend tell me it was a pantie display, and that I was fondling underwear. FML

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By Carl - 16/10/2011 12:47 - United States

Today, my landlord compared me to his idiot son for not plunging a toilet. This is the same toilet he explicitly told me not to plunge last week, because of a possible leak into the basement. We have been peeing outside for a week waiting on him. FML

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By WELL FUCK YOU KINDLY, MA'AM - 18/11/2012 21:22 - United States - Endicott

Today, I had to forcibly separate a boy from my daughter after he grabbed her and started shoving her around. I complained to his mother, only to have her shout, "mind your fucking business" and say that her son can do whatever the hell he wants. FML

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By myhairgetsfrizzywhenwet - 3/6/2011 08:55 - Australia

Today, my sister drove past me while i was walking home in the rain, she honked to let me know she was there, and kept on driving. FML

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By nearsighted-ut - 26/9/2019 02:00

Cool nickname

Today, I was watching TV when my older brother thought it would be funny to rip a bare-assed fart in my face before a shower. I looked up, only to see a brown blob on my glasses. My nickname is now "Shitfaced." FML

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By cjgreer70 - 18/1/2014 23:09 - United States - West Linn

Today, I was told I looked like Beaker from the Muppets. After doing a side-by-side comparison, I realized it's true. FML

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By scatter00x - 8/2/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I woke up around 5am from a party I had last night, still quite drunk. This chick was lying next to me from the night before. I kissed her, and about a minute and a half into some heavy making out, she opened her eyes and said, "Oh, it's you." Then got up and walked out. FML

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By awkward. - 29/12/2012 15:50 - United Kingdom - Rickmansworth

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the cinema. Or rather, she went with her other boyfriend, and I happened to see them there. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2012 18:16 - United States

Today, I had to get to class at 9:00 to take a test. I woke up at 6:00, and figured I could wait a few minutes before getting ready. The next thing I knew, it was 10:30. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2017 08:28

Salad days

Today, I saw a customer open a bottle of salad dressing, taste it, then put it back on the shelf. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2015 05:35 - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I was studying for a big test I have next Tuesday in my room. I heard a creak in my ceiling but assumed it was nothing as my house is old. Thirty seconds later something fell from my air vent directly onto my head. It was a giant cockroach. FML

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By ScottyB - 22/12/2014 08:05 - United States - Peabody

Today, my girlfriend of two years asked me why I would never tie her shoes for her. I confessed to her my deep hatred of feet. Later, I woke up from a nap next to my girlfriend. With her feet in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2011 20:35 - United States

Today, I found out I have an abscess in my bellybutton which causes me extreme pain and discomfort when I sit down. I am a receptionist. FML

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By anonymous - 30/6/2010 04:05 - United States

Today, my aunt and I wanted to do something nice. So we made cookies for a local nursing home. After tasting them, nobody ate any. FML

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By oblivious idiot - 12/2/2016 07:50

Today, I was playing Badminton in P.E, and I was paired with a particularly pretty girl, who for some reason kept asking stupid questions that we both knew the answers to. I've only now just realized that she was trying to initiate conversation with me. This is why I have no friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2014 05:32 - United States - Hackensack

Today, I was going to have sex, so I went to my basement to get my builder bear that I had stuffed my condoms in. The bear was gone. My dad gave it to charity. 5ML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2011 23:23 - United States

Today, on my way home from work, I decided to bring my pregnant wife a bouquet of roses to surprise her. Her response? "Why didn't you get me something useful, like chicken wings, instead?" FML

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By Lilypad - 12/3/2013 00:21 - France - Versailles

Today, I asked my boyfriend to give me a back rub. He claimed that he had a sore hand, so I retorted, "You have two hands, right?" Still bitter about not being able to have sex with me while I'm on my period, he shot back, "You have two holes, right?" I give up. FML

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By The Bosnian - 15/10/2020 02:02 - Sweden - Solna

Wait, what?

Today, after I applied and interviewed for a technical position in IT two weeks ago, they informed me that I didn't get it, because I'm "too technical." How the hell is that even possible? FML

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By moviewalker - 26/11/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, my parents and I went to the movies for my mom's birthday. After the movie, my mom and dad got into a fight, and left me at the movies. My cell phone was dead, and my house was about 12 miles away. They finally came and picked me up, hours later. FML

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By exiledliscense - 9/11/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, my dad made me quit my online school classes and go back to public school, because apparently when I'm on the computer, it makes his video games lag. FML

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By anonymous - 14/6/2016 16:47 - United States - Inverness

Today, after months of helping my mother with bills because she claimed she had no money, I found out she makes way more than what I do. She just wanted my money for alcohol and drugs. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2011 01:24 - United States

Today, at college, I found a lanyard with some keys and a YMCA member's card attached. Hoping to find contact details, I googled the name on the back of the card, just in time for him to return and see me looking through his Facebook profile like some kind of stalker. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2010 06:58 - United States

Today, I was alone in the car with my grandma for five hours while she told me all about the multiple bladder infections she's had in the past year. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2010 19:22 - Chile

Today, I finally quit my job after talking with a friend about making our own design/multimedia company. While I was on my way to his house, he called me and told me not to quit because he got an awesome job offer and couldn't refuse. FML

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By aussie worker - 23/3/2017 14:00

Today, it was my first day at a new job as a waitress for a wedding function centre. As I was opening the door to collect dirty plates from the guests, I bumped into a colleague carrying a tray full of full champagne glasses, all of which fell and smashed on the floor. FML

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By nowsingle - 3/7/2010 04:04 - Canada

Today, while making out with my boyfriend of a month, he started rubbing my boobs. He told me that he wanted to get some action before he broke up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2014 03:46 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I was walking and saw a quarter. I bent down to pick it up. Barely a foot ahead there was another, so I crawled over to get it. This continued for about six feet when I realize a kid was laying them out in a trail. I had collected 7 fake quarters and the kid had it on video. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2012 00:28 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. I was heading back to my apartment and I heard noises inside the door. Assuming it was the surprise party I'd hinted at, I flicked on the lights as two heavy guys pushed past me. I was robbed. FML

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By thunderthighs644 - 23/11/2011 03:21

Today, while jogging, I heard an odd clapping sound over the sound of my iPod. I stopped running, and the sound stopped. This continued for an hour before I realized the slapping sound was my thighs slapping together violently. FML

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By Uglyshirts - 9/4/2009 08:44 - South Africa

Today, I was the first one to wear the ugly corporate shirts we received. The people in my office-all of them guys were all saying that it looked a lot better than they thought it would. Later that day I went to the toilet and saw the shirt gapes open in front and you could see my boobs. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2020 08:00

No thanks, mom

Today, my crazed and very hormonal pregnant mother told me that I should get pregnant too, so that we can be "preggo buddies." I'm 15. FML

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By Tiffosaur - 4/1/2013 06:12 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. As soon as my date saw me walking towards him, he checked his watch and said, "Oops, wrong place." Then walked right past me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2015 02:33 - United States - North Little Rock

Today, my brother's recent creepy behavior suddenly made sense when I found "How to seduce your sister?" in his browser search history. FML

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By Marleck - 22/2/2009 07:16 - United States

Today, the girl I love told me she was sick of guys. I replied that I happened to be a guy. She laughed and said "No, I mean the boyfriend type!" FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2013 18:12 - United States - Mount Clemens

Today, my girlfriend freaked out, thinking she might be pregnant due to her period being late. I found myself reminding her that one actually has to have had sex recently to become pregnant. We've been living together, sexless, for over a year. FML

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Top comments

By Bussed | 0

#749379 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:08

There are still options at that point...

By ironwords | 8

#2246202 - Sunday 27 March 2011 1:05

??? are you the product of incest?

COMMENTS

By crabbyxboom | 0

#749369 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:05

hhahaha. I laughed a little.

tessitada | 0

#749386 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:09

You can't get her off without your penis? sad...

yankees1149 | 0

#996444 - Tuesday 18 May 2010 3:32

lol

By Alien_WEIRDO | 0

#749370 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:05

Haha, aw.. that is really sad.

By teamwork | 0

#749375 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:07

read some sex books

By Bussed | 0

#749379 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:08

There are still options at that point...

By Dawkrida | 0

#749391 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:12

hahah nice

By KamilleBlack | 3

#749402 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:18

sucks. I guess it wasn't a happy New years after all xD

By GanjAxZermA | 0

#749404 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:24

maybe ur not that good..

By harajukujunkie | 0

#749408 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:27

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

ironwords | 8

#2246202 - Sunday 27 March 2011 1:05

??? are you the product of incest?

stoych | 19

#3036644 - Thursday 4 August 2011 10:49

ha ha @ ironwords! i was actually reading as that too!

RachaelAnna92 | 3

#6061719 - Wednesday 10 September 2014 23:00

Haha really? Wow you just amazed me with your stupidity!

RachaelAnna92 | 3

#6061720 - Wednesday 10 September 2014 23:01

hahahaha she sure sounds like it!

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6363184 - Monday 27 July 2015 16:37

See, people get mad at foreigners working in the drive-through but it's people like this that really butcher the English language...
SMH

By Roseballs | 2

#749416 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:36

why didn't you finger her

By Cupcaken | 0

#749430 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:47

celvis excercise!

I have no idea if I spelled that right (I'm a dane), sorry? xD