Today, my girlfriend told me it was her fantasy to orgasm at...

By FavreFan99 - 1/1/2010 17:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me it was her fantasy to orgasm at midnight on New Years. We got started at 11:53. I didn't last until midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15418

You deserved it

23407

Favorite

Intimacy

The opposite of a good idea

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

A beautiful truck decoration

By yayibs - 4/12/2015 03:21 - United States - Williamstown

Today, while working at my desk alone and with my headphones in, I suddenly let loose a loud stream of gas. As I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, I saw, in the reflection of my laptop, that my roommate had been sitting silently on the couch right behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20323

You deserved it

4447

Favorite

By disappointment - 5/6/2018 15:00

Today, my mom walked out on me, abandoning her 16-year-old and taking $100 and a dog, all because I refused to wear women's panties. I would have been perfectly fine wearing them if I weren't a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4116

You deserved it

224

Favorite

By Kole - 13/1/2017 20:00

Today, I got the most painful neck cramp of my life after whipping my head back in laughter at something that wasn't even funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5480

You deserved it

1812

Favorite

By Heretique - 9/2/2011 09:30 - Norway

Today, we had to evaluate each other in class. Apparently I'm a quarrelsome, uncommitted, commanding bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12466

You deserved it

35190

Favorite

By mommymo - 16/9/2010 10:59 - Australia

Today, while tearfully telling my closest friends that I had miscarried my first pregnancy, the first thing out of their mouths was, 'So, does this mean you're going to start drinking with us again?' FML

I agree, your life sucks

43025

You deserved it

4378

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/8/2012 22:50 - Mexico - Villahermosa

Today, I had the crap beaten out of me by a woman in the street, who accused me of sleeping with her husband. I still don't know who she or her husband are, and I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31863

You deserved it

1923

Favorite

By Anonymous - 5/12/2015 06:49 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I staged an intervention for my dad, because his midlife crisis has spun out of control. When I told him he's now basically endangering his own life, he replied "Everyone's gonna die someday. Some sooner than others, eh porky?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

21730

You deserved it

2226

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/12/2016 08:23

Today, I had guests over for a Christmas party. One of them wore new blue jeans and managed to get large dye stains on three different walls. They won't come off. Guess who has to paint his living room again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6860

You deserved it

478

Favorite

By annie - 14/10/2018 12:00

Today, my mother-in-law visited. She saw my 5-year-old son rip open a chip bag, causing chips go everywhere. She got up in his face and started screaming at him about how he has an "attitude problem". He doesn't, he's autistic and genuinely has trouble with food packaging. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4148

You deserved it

223

Favorite

By Mishlette - 23/1/2015 13:27 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I started at my new job. Turns out my boss is a complete douchebag. He spent most of the day looking over our shoulders and making cuntish comments about our work, then called a guy a piece of shit for farting and forced him to spray disinfectant on his chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31750

You deserved it

2731

Favorite

By Jo - 26/10/2009 03:14 - United States

Today, there was an earthquake. Good news: the only damage was a tree fell on some loser's car. Bad news: that loser was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33800

You deserved it

3041

Favorite

By stillfuckingcrying - 24/2/2013 21:20 - Sweden - Kristdala

Today, my boyfriend made me play Slender. I was so terrified, I stopped playing 10 minutes in. Tonight, I kept hearing noises outside. When I peered out through the window, a bald figure in a suit was staring back at me. I shrieked in absolute terror; he burst out laughing. It was my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38700

You deserved it

5581

Favorite

By morg2000 - 17/2/2009 23:23 - Mexico

Today, I went out to dinner with my family. I was given a kids menu when the hostess sat us down. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45473

You deserved it

3146

Favorite

By bob - 3/7/2012 17:33 - United States - Fairborn

Today, I woke up to a nude picture of my girlfriend. Once I looked at it my morning wood went away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38820

You deserved it

9322

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/7/2012 17:01 - United States - South Gate

Today, I still can't decide whether masturbating while looking at myself makes me narcissistic or just plain pathetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10591

You deserved it

37215

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/9/2019 20:00 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Global stinking

Today, my boyfriend told me he thinks brushing his teeth and doing anything basically hygienic is unnecessary now, because, "we're all going to die out around about 2050 anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1441

You deserved it

149

Favorite

By Mc'xplosive - 9/10/2019 04:00

McGastric

Today, after months of avoiding fast food, I decided to eat some McDonald's french fries. Though the fries were delicious, they were not worth the agonizing 15 minutes I spent on the toilet afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1195

You deserved it

420

Favorite

By agnosticstudy - 28/1/2009 21:53 - United States

Today, all three of my meals consisted of 2 hot pockets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11856

You deserved it

27641

Favorite

By bobby - 12/6/2010 22:13 - United States

Today, I went to lick the excess peanut butter off the knife after making a PB and J. Turns out the knife can and will cut your tongue, even though you don't think it will. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11728

You deserved it

62320

Favorite

By almost jobless - 11/7/2012 18:26 - United States

Today, I was at work, photographing a baby boy. I grabbed a bench for him to use to hold himself upright. His mom asked if she should hold him instead, but I told her he'd be fine. Two seconds later, he fell backwards and brought the bench down on top of him. There goes my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11581

You deserved it

32660

Favorite

By Cheap - 27/12/2010 08:34 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend wrote 50 dollars on my gift card just to look generous, it's really only worth five. I found this out after I tried to buy an arm full of clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37990

You deserved it

3113

Favorite

By Oja1 - 16/12/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, my mother sold my extensive Star Wars collection, and I cried when I found out. I'm 46. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33411

You deserved it

27517

Favorite

By pritch44 - 17/6/2010 16:12 - United States

Today, I found out that we have six skunks under my shed. While I was mowing the lawn, they all came out and sprayed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40415

You deserved it

4025

Favorite

By abbiexo97 - 9/5/2019 14:00

Today, I had a dream that I had to abandon my shopping at the checkout due to lack of funds. Even in my dreams I don’t have any money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1665

You deserved it

128

Favorite

By uncomfortable - 12/3/2009 00:20 - Canada

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents. It got to an intense sex scene. I felt grateful when I saw his father reaching for the remote to fastforward past the scene. He put it into slowmotion. We watched in silence for about 3 minutes before he managed to fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

87075

You deserved it

5568

Favorite

By EpicFail - 11/1/2009 20:59 - United States

Today, a woman at the crowded mall stopped me and told me loudly that if I bought her product it would get rid of my acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24747

You deserved it

2337

Favorite

By alex - 14/3/2011 14:44 - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked me to hold her purse while shopping. All of a sudden, a robber punched me in the face and took her purse. She started crying about her purse and told me to get off the ground because I was embarrassing her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40659

You deserved it

10030

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/1/2011 01:28 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. We are both virgins. After we kissed and I took down my pants, she screamed and said "That THING is going to break me." We never did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49875

You deserved it

6973

Favorite

By Relevance - 13/8/2010 04:03 - United States

Today, my husband fell for an online scam leaving us 1450.00 in the negative. We get paid tomorrow and most of our money is going to cover that debt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34977

You deserved it

7773

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/12/2010 02:38 - United States

Today, I was extremely constipated. This is a side effect of the medication I take to alleviate my stomach condition. Due to this same condition I can't eat much roughage. We have no laxatives or stool softeners, and I have been shitting bricks for three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25473

You deserved it

3488

Favorite

By pokeloser - 24/6/2019 07:04

Today, my high point was still being able to recite all 151 generation one Pokémon in order, from memory. I need a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1252

You deserved it

548

Favorite

By musamalia - 6/1/2009 11:58 - France

Today, a very pretty girl came up to me and asked me for my phone number. Very pleased, I give it to her with a huge smile and tell her that I can be reached at any time. I then watch her go back to her group of friends. My number was for her gay friend, who then meekly waved at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29849

You deserved it

3427

Favorite

By cc10 - 19/10/2009 11:50 - China

Today, I heard my newly divorced parents fighting about who gets to keep me. Neither of them want me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64647

You deserved it

4132

Favorite

By trina - 22/3/2009 09:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I started stroking the back of his neck with both of my hands. He told me, "Your hands are nice and smooth like my grandmother's." FML

I agree, your life sucks

104123

You deserved it

7929

Favorite

By regstl - 1/6/2013 06:21 - United States - Beaverton

Today, as I was getting out of my car, an old and obese lady walked up to me and called me an "inconsiderate heartless bitch" for using the last handicap parking spot. I guess she didn't see my wheelchair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66015

You deserved it

3304

Favorite

By A_W - 6/7/2018 19:00

Today, in desperate need of cash to get me by until payday, I decided to pawn one of my nicer possessions, a Coach purse. Today, I learned that counterfeiters are getting a lot better at their profession. Now I have no money AND a fake purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3009

You deserved it

580

Favorite

By anonymous - 18/7/2012 04:02 - United States - Silverdale

Today, I auditioned for the role of Rizzo in a local production of Grease. The director told me I wasn't tough enough, and that my persona too sweet and childlike for the part. I asked if I should instead try out to play Sandy. He replied "I was being nice. Honestly, you're ugly and can't act." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30880

You deserved it

4684

Favorite

By grossedoutgirlfriend - 4/10/2019 14:00

Not so normal, no

Today, I came home from work to see a pair of panties I hadn't worn lying on the floor. I picked them up and they were all crunchy. It turns out that while I'm away, my boyfriend uses my underwear as a vessel for his semen. He claims this is normal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2094

You deserved it

287

Favorite

By BigDT - 28/1/2012 08:35

Today, I had a testicular ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was a very attractive woman. This is the first time in the past four and a half years a woman has touched my package, and I had to get health issues to make it happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30580

You deserved it

4030

Favorite

By pplsuck - 25/9/2012 23:57 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I went to eat out. When I sat down, I realized I forgot my straw. I took my purse with me, not wanting it to get stolen. Someone stole my food instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23191

You deserved it

2748

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Bussed | 0

#749379 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:08

There are still options at that point...

By ironwords | 8

#2246202 - Sunday 27 March 2011 1:05

??? are you the product of incest?

Comments

By crabbyxboom | 0

#749369 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:05

hhahaha. I laughed a little.

tessitada | 0

#749386 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:09

You can't get her off without your penis? sad...

yankees1149 | 0

#996444 - Tuesday 18 May 2010 3:32

lol

By Alien_WEIRDO | 0

#749370 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:05

Haha, aw.. that is really sad.

By teamwork | 0

#749375 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:07

read some sex books

By Bussed | 0

#749379 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:08

There are still options at that point...

By Dawkrida | 0

#749391 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:12

hahah nice

By KamilleBlack | 3

#749402 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:18

sucks. I guess it wasn't a happy New years after all xD

By GanjAxZermA | 0

#749404 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:24

maybe ur not that good..

By harajukujunkie | 0

#749408 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:27

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

ironwords | 8

#2246202 - Sunday 27 March 2011 1:05

??? are you the product of incest?

stoych | 19

#3036644 - Thursday 4 August 2011 10:49

ha ha @ ironwords! i was actually reading as that too!

RachaelAnna92 | 3

#6061719 - Wednesday 10 September 2014 23:00

Haha really? Wow you just amazed me with your stupidity!

RachaelAnna92 | 3

#6061720 - Wednesday 10 September 2014 23:01

hahahaha she sure sounds like it!

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6363184 - Monday 27 July 2015 16:37

See, people get mad at foreigners working in the drive-through but it's people like this that really butcher the English language...
SMH

By Roseballs | 2

#749416 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:36

why didn't you finger her

By Cupcaken | 0

#749430 - Friday 1 January 2010 23:47

celvis excercise!

I have no idea if I spelled that right (I'm a dane), sorry? xD