Intimacy: Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. We decided to have sex...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. We decided to have sex in her basement. All awesome, until her mom walked down and wanted to watch a movie with us. I had to watch it naked under a blanket. FML

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Intimacy

And today, on Dr Phil…

Our house, in the middle of our street

Good kid

By hearing too much

The sound of silence

Today, the walls in my house are so thin that I heard my roommate yell from the bathroom upstairs, "Hear my butthole roar." Now I’m scared to use the bathroom after him. FML

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By Anonymous

Almost there

Today, I discovered that my contract start date is exactly 2 days outside of the furlough date. Meaning instead of taking 80% of my salary, I'm only getting 40% (thanks to the company). This would be fine if I hadn't just moved countries to get this job. FML

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By foodsicknessinATL - United States - Atlanta

Today, I spent the busiest travel day of the year in the busiest airport in the world trapped between the decision to leave the terminal bathroom or shit my pants. Yes, I missed my flight. Sorry, mom. FML

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By :,< - United States

Today, I took my daughter to a pony ride at the fair. I paid to have her picture taken, and when we got home, I emailed it to my mom. She replied, disgustedly pointing out that the pretty little pony was displaying a pretty little penis. FML

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By Dumped

Today my boyfriend of one year dumped me. When I started crying, he said, “want to know something that will make you hate me so you won’t be so sad?” and then told me he’s been cheating on me with multiple women, the entire time we’ve been dating. He thought that would comfort me. FML

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By Emptyspace - United States

Today, I found my long lost diary and curiously read it. What's worse than finding out that your mother read your diary? Finding out that your mother wrote comments in it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boss yelled at me in front of several customers for gesturing too much while I talk, because it's "unprofessional". I was using sign language. FML

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By iGreen - Canada

Today, my mom cooked her dog some potatoes, carrots, beef, rice and peas. She cooks better food for her dog than she will for our family. FML

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By gwengas - France - Saint-ouen-des-alleux

Today, while out with my boyfriend, I gave a beggar some cash, who then smiled at me and said to my boyfriend, "You have a beautiful little lady, take good care of her." Flattered, I hoped my boyfriend would agree with the compliment. He turned and said, "Hear that? He said you were little." FML

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By Is_This_Real - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I hooked up with a friend. I expressed an interest in it becoming something more. He expressed an interest in not telling anyone and pretending it never happened. FML

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By shilpajayseanfan - Canada

Today, I drove into my school. Literally drove into my school. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I used the same credit card to apply to college and pay for a rave ticket. My card went through on the rave ticket but denied the college application fee. I guess my credit card is trying to tell me something about my future. FML

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By oops - United States

Today, I was working at my job as cashier. This really attractive girl that comes in walked in, so I mustered up the courage to ask her out, by writing my number on a dollar bill. She pays and a dollar is her change. I go to hand her the money when she sees it and says, "Keep the change". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Garden Grove

Today, I tried acid for the first time while camping with my best friend. A drunk driver smashed into my car, leaving it totaled. I had to explain the situation to a cop all while thinking my car was bleeding green ooze. FML

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By Byebye - Netherlands - Sappemeer

Today, the mailman delivered my new phone to my neighbour's house. This was okay, because he left a note in my mailbox informing me so. Now my crazy neighbour won't give me the package because, "*I* signed for it!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Happy Halloween?

Today, I saw photos of my roommate a recent party. OK, I'll admit I'm a little dark-skinned, but was it really necessary for him to color his face in black marker so he could go as "me" for a Halloween party? FML

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By jaimpastaggle - France

Today, after spending over two hours cleaning my kitchen from top to bottom, my 5-year-old then runs in, yells, “Snowstorm!” and throws a bag of flour all over the floor. FML

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By TVKill3r - United States

Today, at work while near a cigarette tray outside, a man said, "Thanks for polluting our environment!" All I could say was, "What?" He then said "I'm speaking English you know!" I was cleaning the cigarette tray at the time, don't smoke at all, and was born here. FML

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By unlovedfatty - United States

Today, I reactivated my Facebook account, having not used it for three months. My "friends" didn't realize this. According to their recent status updates, I'm disgustingly fat, have a hook nose, and I'm secretly hated. FML

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By Olorin - Germany

Today, I woke up soaked in water. It seems at some point in the middle of the night, I woke up thirsty and opened the water bottle I keep on my nightstand. I managed to drink a little, but it seems I didn't manage to put the cap back on before losing consciousness again. FML

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By Ryan - United States

Today, I was taking an important exam for Calculus. Out of nowhere, the kid behind me starts violently kicking my desk. I quickly turn around and yell at him. He was having a seizure. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at the urinal doing my business, my trousers fell all the way to the ground. As I bent down to pull them back up, my boss walked in the bathroom and thought I was mooning him. FML

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By Aiaiii - Germany

Today, I spent some time in a sun-bed to prepare myself for a very special reunion with my boyfriend, who I haven't seen in 6 months. I hope he likes crispy red butt-cheeks, and I wonder whether they will start peeling before or after he returns. FML

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By unluckiestperson - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my very expensive and beautiful smelling perfume attracts wasps. Whenever I go out, wherever I am, I am followed by multiple wasps. FML

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By Joe - Australia

Thanks, gran…

Today, I went with my beautiful fiancée to tell her grandmother, who's a bit senile, that we were engaged. Her response: "I know he's very nice, but think about the chubby little ugly children he'll give you". This was followed by a recollection of her ex-boyfriends who would've fathered attractive kids. FML

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By Jake Leiter - United States - Grantham

Today, for what has seemed to be the hundredth time, my labeled bagged lunch was stolen from the fridge at my workplace. I stormed into my boss's office ready to complain, only to find him eating it. FML

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By Lonely School Kid - Canada

Today, I found out why I was always picked up last from school. My parents didn't want the other parents to find out I was their kid. FML

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By Wellfu - Europe

Today, I was let go from my internship for "not putting in enough effort". I was working 50 hours a week for almost zero pay. FML

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By MafiaWarsWidow - Australia

Today, I was on the phone to my boyfriend in England. I live in Australia. What did he talk about for 15 minutes straight? Mafia Wars on Facebook and how far he had got. FML

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By resurrected - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, I collected my new timetable at college only to find I've been dropped from all my classes. I've been listed as deceased. I'm definitely not dead and have no idea how I supposedly died. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the girl I like came over to my house to watch a movie. We had seen pretty much every movie that I suggested, so we ended up watching The Lion King. I forgot how sad that movie is, because once Mufasa died I started bawling my eyes out. FML

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By NotAmericanIdol - United States

Today, I was home by myself. I was singing "If I Had A Million Dollars" really loudly since I figured no one could hear me. As I'm really into the song, my neighbor shouts, "If I had a million dollars, I'd give it to you to stop singing" and slams his balcony door shut. FML

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By armtits and big pits - United States - Cape Coral

Today, I went to my crush's house. We were watching a movie when suddenly he started kissing me. As it deepened he began to feel around. He was groping my armpit the whole time but I was too embarrassed that my underarm could pass for my boobs to redirect him. FML

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By tsunami

Time to move out!

Today, my mother took my brand new PS4, which I haven't even played yet, and threw it out the window while I was at work. When I asked her why, she said she was mad that we didn't have any paper towels left. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2021 20:59 - United States - Pittsburgh

Our house, in the middle of our street

Today, I realized I could say nothing in my home without being interrupted, talked over, or the subject derailed into a 30 minutes monologue by my housemates. And they wonder why I'm so quiet all the time… FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years, who is a fabulous guitarist and singer, told me he wrote me a song. I was so excited. Turns out it was a break up song. FML

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By RomanceFail - United States - Crestwood

Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 11:01

Zoomers

Today, as I was at work as a gynecologist, a twelve-year-old girl asked me, on a scale of 1-10, how tight her "fun stuff" was. This is the new generation. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Adams

Today, I asked my girlfriend's father for permission to take his daughter's hand in marriage. He asked me "Which one?" I said "Uh, the one I'm dating... Lisa." He belched and said, "Yeah sure, throw 'er off a cliff for all I care. Piss off, boy." So much for chivalry. FML

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By Jesse - United States

Today, I was pulled over by my father who is a police officer. He was training a rookie and gave me a breathalyzer test to show his trainee how to do it. I blew a .15 and was taken to jail. FML

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Top comments

By causelifehappens | 0

#755093 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:30

haha at least you managed to not get caught in the act and chucked out butt naked

By GanjAxZermA | 0

#755070 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:18

wow that must have been really embarassing for you.. next time check where ur having sex.. and whose in the house or place

COMMENTS

By crazyman315 | 2

#755041 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:04

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

2gether4ever | 0

#990706 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 4:35

cock-blocked by mommy. (:

By 1800getalife | 0

#755062 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:14

congtrats this is probably the first major accomplishment of his life

By GanjAxZermA | 0

#755070 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:18

wow that must have been really embarassing for you.. next time check where ur having sex.. and whose in the house or place

By thegr8dane | 0

#755072 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:19

at least this wasn't incest, or else we'd have a case of an Undercover Brother.

By WougieBougie | 0

#755080 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:24

5th!

nerdygeek | 4

#972801 - Friday 2 April 2010 0:18

who cares?

hackymeal | 0

#973546 - Saturday 3 April 2010 11:40

obviously you do for replying to it

SulfurPlague | 0

#2171769 - Friday 11 March 2011 6:55

me :)

By Cristaderzi | 0

#755091 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:29

Awww Its just your Birthday suit!
Id feel awkward but then its not the end of world!
You'll live!!...

By causelifehappens | 0

#755093 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:30

haha at least you managed to not get caught in the act and chucked out butt naked

By Alchemist919 | 0

#755096 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:32

must have been really awkward, but at least her mom didn't realize what was going on

mitch707 | 0

#760149 - Thursday 7 January 2010 13:48

Actually from the sound of it i think mum realised what was going on and went down with the excuse of a movie to break it up.

By happyhak | 5

#755109 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:42

u had sex while ur gfs parents were in the house??? O_O dude...

LoudAsThunder | 0

#767388 - Monday 11 January 2010 4:58

..I've had sex while my parents were in the next room.

...What's wrong with that?

lexie425 | 10

#5814272 - Thursday 2 January 2014 20:18

Because it's disrespectful.

By tbbucs | 0

#755117 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:53

I wouldve made her turn off the lights and gone for the mother daughter threesome!

promarksman | 0

#755844 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 3:40

good one

fatman217 | 0

#1703637 - Monday 15 November 2010 6:29

lol your a really funny guy

Benpie | 22

#6587676 - Sunday 24 April 2016 20:33

*you're