Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. We decided to have sex...

By Anonymous - 4/1/2010 15:49 - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. We decided to have sex in her basement. All awesome, until her mom walked down and wanted to watch a movie with us. I had to watch it naked under a blanket. FML

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Intimacy

Doomed

Trip Advisor says no

Non-baby fever

By Anonymous - 21/4/2011 13:47 - United States

Sweet talker

Today, my boyfriend said to me, "You know how I know I love you? I don't want you to leave after we have sex." He thinks that's a compliment. FML

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By BCBUDDY - 7/5/2011 15:29 - United States

Today, while I was trying to explain to my friend how smoking weed everyday doesn't make you stupid, I forgot what I was talking about mid-sentence. FML

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By Noname - 3/2/2009 20:25 - United States

Today, my 4 year old niece asked me why I didn't have a job or wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2011 05:28 - United States

Today, a woman somehow managed to drop her wedding ring into the garbage at the fast food place where I work. I had to search through a full bag of half eaten food and soda to find it. FML

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By BikerBuddy - 14/5/2010 01:11 - France

Today, I saw a blond-haired guy crouched by my bike fiddling with something as I came back from the shop. Thinking he was a thief, I slammed him across the head with my helmet, knocked him over - then I realised not only was he a kid barely in his teens, he was tying his shoes. FML

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By jennag5 - 24/3/2012 06:45 - Canada - Claresholm

Today, two drop dead gorgeous Australians asked me for directions. Being so shocked by their beauty and accents, I couldn't get words out of my mouth. The one said to the other "Nope she doesn't speak English", then walked away. FML

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By anonymous - 12/2/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, I found out the guy I've been dating is heavily into a mystical card game and spends all of his money going to "Magic" card conventions across the country. FML

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By bastardchild_01 - 17/10/2012 06:22 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, after much reluctance due to fear of causing a huge debate, I finally posted something on Facebook about the presidential debates. However, the post sparked an argument with my mom's childhood best friend, that ended with her telling me that my dad isn't actually my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2015 16:34 - Ireland

Today, after the longest time, I went to the gym. I ran and ran and ran on the treadmill for an eternity, beating myself up for getting so overweight. Then I tripped and fell off, sweating and sobbing for being so useless. When I looked up, I saw I'd been on the machine for barely 2 minutes. FML

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By KBBL - 12/3/2014 16:02 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, at a staff meeting, our boss sighed and asked why I'm always in the meetings instead of my co-worker. I reminded him that it's because I'm the department supervisor, not my co-worker. He wouldn't believe me until he saw it for himself in our personnel files. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2014 17:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I was locked out of my house. As I was about to knock on the window to ask my girlfriend to let me in, I saw her on the sofa, digging a huge booger out of her nose and eating it. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2010 09:34 - United States

Today, as I was walking home, I felt my feet slip out from under me and I face-planted in the slushy, dirty, melting snow. I rolled over, completely soaked, and attempted to get up, thinking no one saw me. A mail-man then passed me without offering to help, and said, "I've seen worse." FML

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By Rachel - 1/3/2012 21:43 - United States

Today, I joined a new choir. My director asked me if my best friend was actually my girlfriend. Taken aback, I said no, I was not a lesbian. He then asked me to clarify my gender. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2009 09:43 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I were in the middle of a heavy make-out session when his cell rang. Normally, he'd ignore it. This time however he pushed me off of him and said "Shit! It's probably my girlfriend!" I thought I was his girlfriend. FML

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By fuckmyliiiiiiife - 1/5/2009 01:40 - United States

Today, I woke up with the worst cold, ever. My nose was running like crazy and my eyes were all puffy. So I stumbled over to the medicine cabinet and took what I thought were three tylenol cold's. Two hours later I'm still sick and I can't leave the bathroom. They were laxatives. FML

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By oh well - 14/3/2019 06:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my sister in law threatened to call CPS on me because I “starved” her children when they spent the night. I didn’t starve them. I made an actual home cooked meal instead of the microwaveable or fast food crap she constantly feeds them. They chose not to eat and threw tantrums instead. FML

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By hannahk267 - 18/11/2011 13:30 - United States

Today, I was practicing my lines for theater class in the hall. My partner and I chose a script where we argue over me stealing her boyfriend. Since it started to sound like a real argument, another student said that I was a "crazy bitch" and punched me in the face. FML

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By haley - 16/11/2018 14:00

Today, while in a parking lot, I accidentally cut someone off out of pure nervousness as I'm a new driver. I got out of my car to apologize, and they responded by beating me and my car to a pulp with a baseball bat. FML

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By Jack - 3/4/2013 21:40

Today, my washing machine broke down, within its warranty. I asked my neighbour if she could open the door for the mechanic while I was at work; she agreed. When I came home, I had a bill for 80 bucks for not opening the door. Her reason? She was busy watching her favorite TV show. FML

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By f'ed_over - 19/1/2009 11:12 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mom tried to bribe him with an iPhone to dump me. He accepted. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2011 22:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He said he would have done it two weeks ago but he needed someone to drive him around while his car was getting repaired. FML

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By Opplyst11 - 18/3/2009 20:37 - United States

Today, I was nude modeling for the first time for a life art class. The only criteria for the class was that I not move at all while being observed. After a few seconds I noticed a really hot girl drawing me. I got a hard on. FML

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By inhaler -.- - 6/10/2013 05:20 - United States - Huntsville

Today, it was my first time having a make out session with my boyfriend. I got so nervous that a few minutes into it, I had to stop to take my inhaler. This happened twice more afterwards. FML

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By John - 13/1/2011 21:12 - United States

Today, I cleaned my entire apartment hoping to find the source of the terrible odor I've been smelling for the past week. It's me. FML

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By juliaspaperbags - 16/8/2009 14:32 - United States

Today, I was at the lake watching a romantic sunset with my boyfriend. He tenderly started touching my thigh, then started shaking my leg to the rhythm while singing the J-E-L-L-O theme song. FML

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By i_am_forever - 6/1/2015 01:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my daughter was putting clothes in the drier when she yelled, "Mom!! The drier won't start!" I had to explain to her that the door needed to be shut. Her response, "Oh. I didn't know that mattered." She's 15. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2019 18:00

Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend. She dumped me because she was moving to Wyoming. I guess Wyoming is code for my friend's apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2009 08:22 - United States

Today, my friend asked me if I could watch her mother's cats while they go on vacation. I agreed since her house is on my way to work. When I talked to her mother, I found out she has 30-something cats. She reckons she lost count. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2019 05:03 - Canada - Toronto

Is this Brexit?

Today, in the same sentence, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to "spend the rest of his life with me," and "I want to break up with you because I can't face your family." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2016 09:20

Self-sabotage

Today, I was hanging out with a guy friend I hadn't seen for ages. The sexual tension was off the charts. We were making out and think were progressing, hands were roaming to both nether regions when I freaked out and blurted out, "But aren't we just friends?" We then sat and watched TV. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2009 23:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I got my first acting part. I played the role of a bad boy who has to grab the leading lady's ass, who then slaps me in the face. The ass grab was done in one take. The slap required 14 takes. FML

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By JellicleCat - 24/4/2019 19:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I met the man of my dreams. Insane click. He’s just as in love with me. He’s also got a condition I research in my job. It’s literally unethical for us to date. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2013 17:37 - United States - Romulus

Today, I found out my handwriting is so bad that people think I write in Arabic. FML

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By srhoa01 - 5/7/2016 06:42

Today, while at school, some jerk shot me in the foot with a BB gun. While in agonizing pain, I yelled, "FUCK" as loud as possible. A teacher walked by, oblivious to the fact I had just been shot with a BB gun and wrote me up for, "Disrespectful language". FML

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By princess - 7/12/2015 14:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 3 year old daughter's Halloween costume finally got delivered. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2012 22:09 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, I found out where all my missing panties have gone, when my 12-year-old daughter was caught selling them to the boys at school. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2016 20:36 - United States - Denver

Today, I got a new skin cream for my acne. I tested it on a small patch of skin just to make sure I wasn't allergic. I was, and the reaction didn't stay on that small patch of skin. My left arm is now almost entirely covered in a horrible rash. FML

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By smbcolorado - 4/2/2011 22:43 - United States

Today, my husband sent an email invite to his family about our daughter's upcoming birthday. Upon reading the email, his aunt clicked "reply all" while emailing her husband and said, "I'd rather say we're out of town than see that dumb bitch our nephew calls his wife." FML

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By andjusticeforall - 15/2/2009 13:28 - United States

Today, I ran over a beer bottle which popped my car tire, which then caused me to swerve into a police cruiser. FML

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By ok then - 31/10/2016 15:55

Today, my sister called my Native American friend a bigot for saying he had no problem with the name "Cleveland Indians". FML

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Top comments

By causelifehappens | 0

#755093 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:30

haha at least you managed to not get caught in the act and chucked out butt naked

By GanjAxZermA | 0

#755070 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:18

wow that must have been really embarassing for you.. next time check where ur having sex.. and whose in the house or place

COMMENTS

By crazyman315 | 2

#755041 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:04

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

2gether4ever | 0

#990706 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 4:35

cock-blocked by mommy. (:

By 1800getalife | 0

#755062 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:14

congtrats this is probably the first major accomplishment of his life

By GanjAxZermA | 0

#755070 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:18

wow that must have been really embarassing for you.. next time check where ur having sex.. and whose in the house or place

By thegr8dane | 0

#755072 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:19

at least this wasn't incest, or else we'd have a case of an Undercover Brother.

By WougieBougie | 0

#755080 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:24

5th!

nerdygeek | 4

#972801 - Friday 2 April 2010 0:18

who cares?

hackymeal | 0

#973546 - Saturday 3 April 2010 11:40

obviously you do for replying to it

SulfurPlague | 0

#2171769 - Friday 11 March 2011 6:55

me :)

By Cristaderzi | 0

#755091 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:29

Awww Its just your Birthday suit!
Id feel awkward but then its not the end of world!
You'll live!!...

By causelifehappens | 0

#755093 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:30

haha at least you managed to not get caught in the act and chucked out butt naked

By Alchemist919 | 0

#755096 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:32

must have been really awkward, but at least her mom didn't realize what was going on

mitch707 | 0

#760149 - Thursday 7 January 2010 13:48

Actually from the sound of it i think mum realised what was going on and went down with the excuse of a movie to break it up.

By happyhak | 5

#755109 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:42

u had sex while ur gfs parents were in the house??? O_O dude...

LoudAsThunder | 0

#767388 - Monday 11 January 2010 4:58

..I've had sex while my parents were in the next room.

...What's wrong with that?

lexie425 | 10

#5814272 - Thursday 2 January 2014 20:18

Because it's disrespectful.

By tbbucs | 0

#755117 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:53

I wouldve made her turn off the lights and gone for the mother daughter threesome!

promarksman | 0

#755844 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 3:40

good one

fatman217 | 0

#1703637 - Monday 15 November 2010 6:29

lol your a really funny guy

Benpie | 22

#6587676 - Sunday 24 April 2016 20:33

*you're