Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. We decided to have sex...

By Anonymous - 4/1/2010 15:49 - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. We decided to have sex in her basement. All awesome, until her mom walked down and wanted to watch a movie with us. I had to watch it naked under a blanket. FML

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Intimacy

All in the family

British Broadcasting Corporation

Live dumping

By dude i am so sorry - 19/9/2016 19:54 - United States - Richmond

Today, I found out what happens when you sleep with a girl your chemistry major friend likes. He put silver nitrate in my body wash and shampoo. I look like I survived an explosion in a Sharpie factory. He says it'll come off "in a few days". FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2013 11:39

Today, I was telling my friends a story. I added a few "embellishments" to make it more intense. One my friends piped up with, "I was with you, half of what you just said wasn't true". It's now all over Facebook and I'm known as "The Bullshitter". FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2019 22:01

Jagged Little Pill

Today, my daughter wanted to show me the tooth she had just lost. As I was in a rush to leave for work, I quickly picked up and swallowed my pill that was on the kitchen table. It was only until I looked back down at the table did I see not only my pill, but one extremely angry daughter glaring at me. FML

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By Just Me - 26/7/2012 05:04 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I came out to my mom as a lesbian. She told me that it was impossible, because since she isn't one, she therefore couldn't have given birth to one. She still won't believe me. FML

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By norestforthewicked - 2/3/2016 20:41 - United States

Today, I had to use a sick day from the school I teach at. While I was off, another teacher called me mid delirium, because my students were borderline rioting over the work I left for them. I'd asked them to read a book and edit the one-page essay they've had two weeks to work on. FML

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By fanaticalfuckspawn - 25/8/2014 20:14 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I told my mom I've been taking yoga lessons, and that it'd be cool if she took some with me. She immediately went on a rant, calling yoga "satanic" and accusing me of trying to get her into "devil worship". Well, that's the last time I try to patch our relationship up. FML

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By hellostupid - 28/3/2013 08:19 - United States

Today, I had to convince my 20-year-old boyfriend that not only is his aquatic turtle a reptile, but that it's also cold-blooded and thus can't regulate its own temperature just by going into its shell. He still thinks I'm the stupid one. FML

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By suckstobeme - 16/4/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend what her favorite quality about me was. Her answer, "Your car." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2020 23:00

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Today, I tried to make breakfast. I had everything cooking on the stove when I reached to turn on the faucet, only to find out that the head of the faucet was up the sleeve of my robe. After drying off, I went to serve my boyfriend his plate, but when I returned, the stove had caught fire. FML

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By anonymous - 11/12/2010 07:41 - United States

Today, while standing in line at a local Mexican fast food place, I was feeling generous and let a little kid behind me go in front. Turns out he had a list, and was ordering food for his whole family. I had to wait 30 minutes to get my food. FML

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By eamiller - 23/12/2014 20:41 - United States - Franklin

Today, I was complimented on my freckles. I don't actually have freckles, just a load of blackheads that won't go away. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2012 22:41 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I caught a coworker at my new job staring at my chest. Trying not to rock the boat, I took him aside and asked him to stop. He insisted he was just trying to read my shirt. Our company uniforms don't have writing on them. FML

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By needofmoney - 18/2/2011 02:16 - United States

Today, I finally told my dad that he owes me over 400 dollars, and that I need it or else I'd get kicked out of my apartment. He only gave me 70 and said to get a better job. FML

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By Where is it coming from?! - 10/6/2014 02:46 - United States - Brightwood

Today, I returned home after a four day weekend at my parents' house. Upon entering by the front door, a horrid stench assaulted my nose. Hours later I still cannot find the source of the foul odor. I'm starting to wonder if this is how it's always smelled without my knowing. FML

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By Chouse - 7/9/2012 01:56 - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, during my uncle's funeral, my four year old loudly asked, "Where's all the dead people?" FML

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By Booooolette - 22/6/2016 04:27 - France - Beauvais

Today, I managed to fracture my shoulder blade and dislocate my shoulder, just by falling off a deckchair. FML

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By FeelingFatastic - 5/1/2015 06:08 - United States

Today, my coworker asked me if I was on a diet for my New Year's resolution. When I said no, she replied, "Why not?" FML

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By anonymous - 16/11/2011 03:17 - Canada

Today, I was naked, still deciding what to wear, when the doorbell rang. I grabbed the closest thing to cover up with: my Snuggie. I answered the door, it was kids asking for donations. Without thinking, I turned around to grab my purse. FML

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By pist - 13/5/2018 01:30

Today, I was lying in a lawn chair next to my wooden fence when a yellow liquid started spraying me. The neighbor's douchebag son was peeing through the small hole in the fence and soaked me. FML

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By rolled - 27/1/2018 01:30

Today, my angry ex-girlfriend ordered a bong to my house in my name. I came home to my parents screaming at me, demanding to know where "the weed" was. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2011 10:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my parents planning on how to get me to move out of the house. It's my house. They only came to visit and forgot to leave. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2012 10:02 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I decided to delete my Facebook account. My older sister repeatedly called me in tears asking why I'm cutting her out of my life. It seems I can't get rid of social media without my family taking offence. FML

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By gumless - 2/5/2012 15:19 - United States

Today, I tried whitening my teeth with an off-brand product. It didn't whiten my teeth, but it did burn parts of my gums off. FML

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By kaycie_lynn - 19/2/2010 01:11 - United States

Today, I chuckled at a "no smoking" sign as I lit my cigarette. I bent my head down to light it and somehow managed to light my hair on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2018 13:30

Today, a man easily 30 years older than me said hi in a bar, but I didn’t engage. Apparently that meant "Please rub your junk on my leg." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2018 20:30

Today, as a male in his 40s, I went to "mixed" aerobics. I arrived late to find the entire female class had started intensely warming up. Within 5 minutes I pulled a calf muscle and left limping pathetically past a martial arts class. FML

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By extraflavour - 23/12/2009 20:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a local take-away and ordered a pizza. I watched the worker get my pizza out the oven, then wipe the pizza cutter on the trash bin to get rid of the last pizza's toppings, and then cut my pizza. FML

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By badmom - 27/3/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I was packing my son's lunch and we ran out of water bottles. I asked my 16 years old to run to the store. She didnt want to but gave me one she had. After dropping my son off, my daughter frantically told me she made a mistake. I sent my second grader to school with a bottle of vodka. FML

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By mandybar15 - 14/12/2012 23:52 - United States - Norman

Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML

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By francesa_loca - 14/10/2011 16:09 - Canada

Today, my father started drinking a little early. At some point, he got hungry and decided to boil eggs. He started a dozen, drank some more, and passed out on the couch. When I came home, all the water had boiled off and the eggs had exploded all over the kitchen. I'm still cleaning up the mess. FML

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By anonymous - 17/3/2015 05:09 - United States - Spokane

Today, I tried to surprise my husband by wearing something sexy to bed. He didn't say anything, just laughed and left the room for 10 minutes. The little confidence I had disappeared, so I changed, feeling stupid for thinking I could pull off sexy. He got mad at me for being confusing. FML

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By nottelling7012 - 29/8/2010 04:21 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend of six months broke up with me because of 'creative differences', as she put it. The real reason is that we couldn't decide which cupboard the plates should have gone in. FML

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By chevygirl51 - 28/5/2014 21:12 - United States

Today, I took my driving test. It was all going well until out of habit from driving with my boyfriend, I reached over and held my instructor's hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2016 08:49 - United States - Crestview

Today, we were running a special at work that I had previously been told was an online-only special. After the general manager corrected me, I used the joke excuse of, "It's my first day". The customer replied, "I can tell". I've worked there two years and I'm the assistant manager. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2019 02:00

Today, I had a teaching job interview. After giving my demo lesson, I was told by the director that I had given it on the wrong topic. Turns out, I never got the e-mail with the instructions for the interview. Now I'm definitely not getting the job. FML

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By Ilostsomuch - 4/1/2012 18:30 - United States

Today, I came home to find that my mother had sold all my valuable collector coins for cheap at a local shady pawn shop to buy herself a TV. The coins in question were worth enough to start a business. FML

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By zetuga - 1/4/2015 07:40 - United Kingdom - Luton

Today, my girlfriend asked me to take my belt off as the buckle was hurting her leg. I didn't have a belt on. FML

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By lolzor - 12/3/2009 12:07 - Australia

Today, I called a priest "lame". He responded jokingly with "God will smite you!" I laughed and walked out the door. I tripped and broke my ankle. FML

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By anonymous - 2/9/2012 22:31 - United States - Anaheim

Today, I met a really cute girl at a club. At first, she told me I was cute. Then, she slurred that I look like "a spork on legs." Then she sprayed the inside of my mouth with vomit as she kissed me. FML

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By Jesus - 27/9/2011 02:03 - Canada

Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it as quickly as possible, I smacked my hand against the wall with force. It was a nail. FML

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Top comments

By causelifehappens | 0

#755093 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:30

haha at least you managed to not get caught in the act and chucked out butt naked

By GanjAxZermA | 0

#755070 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:18

wow that must have been really embarassing for you.. next time check where ur having sex.. and whose in the house or place

Comments

By crazyman315 | 2

#755041 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:04

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

2gether4ever | 0

#990706 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 4:35

cock-blocked by mommy. (:

By 1800getalife | 0

#755062 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:14

congtrats this is probably the first major accomplishment of his life

By GanjAxZermA | 0

#755070 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:18

wow that must have been really embarassing for you.. next time check where ur having sex.. and whose in the house or place

By thegr8dane | 0

#755072 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:19

at least this wasn't incest, or else we'd have a case of an Undercover Brother.

By WougieBougie | 0

#755080 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:24

5th!

nerdygeek | 4

#972801 - Friday 2 April 2010 0:18

who cares?

hackymeal | 0

#973546 - Saturday 3 April 2010 11:40

obviously you do for replying to it

SulfurPlague | 0

#2171769 - Friday 11 March 2011 6:55

me :)

By Cristaderzi | 0

#755091 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:29

Awww Its just your Birthday suit!
Id feel awkward but then its not the end of world!
You'll live!!...

By causelifehappens | 0

#755093 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:30

haha at least you managed to not get caught in the act and chucked out butt naked

By Alchemist919 | 0

#755096 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:32

must have been really awkward, but at least her mom didn't realize what was going on

mitch707 | 0

#760149 - Thursday 7 January 2010 13:48

Actually from the sound of it i think mum realised what was going on and went down with the excuse of a movie to break it up.

By happyhak | 5

#755109 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:42

u had sex while ur gfs parents were in the house??? O_O dude...

LoudAsThunder | 0

#767388 - Monday 11 January 2010 4:58

..I've had sex while my parents were in the next room.

...What's wrong with that?

lexie425 | 10

#5814272 - Thursday 2 January 2014 20:18

Because it's disrespectful.

By tbbucs | 0

#755117 - Monday 4 January 2010 20:53

I wouldve made her turn off the lights and gone for the mother daughter threesome!

promarksman | 0

#755844 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 3:40

good one

fatman217 | 0

#1703637 - Monday 15 November 2010 6:29

lol your a really funny guy

Benpie | 22

#6587676 - Sunday 24 April 2016 20:33

*you're