By HistoryHasEyes - 4/9/2020 23:01

That makes sense

Today, I was working in the produce department at my work. A lady came in to return some mangos. I asked her what the problem with the mangoes was. She said she didn't like the way they were talking to her. FML

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Messed up

Commando

Constant flow

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that since he's doing a project with a girl in his class and carpooling with her in the morning, she'll be sleeping over at his house. FML

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By JJAnd - United States

Today, I woke up at 7am next to the man I swore I'd never get intimate with again. After trying to get back to sleep despite my shame and disgust, he ripped the loudest fart ever. FML

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By whoops - United States

Today, I was on my way home from work and decided to stop at the grocery store. I purchased $200 in groceries and went to put them in my car. I then realized I drove my motorcycle today. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tempe

Today, after vacuuming, I struggled to pull the nozzle attachment out. I yanked it too hard and it flew out, hitting me in the face and causing my head to jerk back into the wall behind me. My girlfriend had to drive me to the hospital for my concussion. FML

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By Argh - France - Saivres

Today, my car keys are in my house and my house keys are in my car, and I'm in neither. FML

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By Mixta - France - Roubaix

Today, my best friend showed me his New Year's Eve photos. Girls everywhere, booze flowing all over the place and all my friends were there. They still haven't realised that they didn't invite me. We've been friends for seven years. FML

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By siggit - United States

Today, I left on my honeymoon with my wife who is terrified of flying. The pilot announces incoming storms in the flight path, and the man next to me starts saying it's "probably fate" and "we all have to go sometime" and my wife goes into a full panic attack. We haven't even left the ground yet. FML

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By bucktooth - United Kingdom

Today, while enjoying breakfast, my teeth took a chunk out of my cheek. This happens regularly, even when I'm talking. Both my doctor and dentist have no idea why, and I'm in utter agony. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2020 02:05

Dealing with it

Today, my husband's idea of social isolation is to lock himself in his caravan with his Xbox, 200 cans of beer and a dozen takeaway menus. I’ve not seen him in 6 days, and when I tried to force entry to tell him to snap out of it, he sprayed disinfectant at me until I couldn’t breathe. FML

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By I'm so wet, baby - United Kingdom

Today, while at work, I really had to pee. Since my break was soon, I decided to hold it as another customer came to my till, but I didn't see she had 3 trolleys full of food. It took ages to scan all of it, and when I left for my break, I had an empty bladder and a wet seat. FML

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By furious at five in the morning - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I woke up at 5 am to the voices of my husband, who I gave my blessing to go out last night, and his buddies entering our apartment. They came here because the buddy who had planned to house them had no beer. They are drunk, drinking on our porch, shaving my husband's head. FML

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By dumbblonde - United States

Today, I was sitting at the computer when this really annoying fly kept landing on the keyboard. After a while, I took the bottom of a pen and squished it. Twenty minutes later I absentmindedly started chewing at the bottom of the pen. FML

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By maggie2014 - United States - Lufkin

Today, I fell asleep listening to my music and tanning at the beach. Not only did I wake up with a sunburn, but my iPhone had been stolen. FML

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By trixieee

Today, my boyfriend got a text from a "close female friend." The text was of her with no shirt on, and he quickly closed his phone. His explanation was that his female friends just want his opinion on how they look. I don't know what's worse, that there are several, or that he thinks I'm that stupid. FML

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By littl3storm - 24/4/2020 23:00

Time for the ER

Today, my brace broke and due to Covid-19, I can't get it fixed for another month and a half. Four brackets have come off, the wire is sinking into my gum, giving me tooth and jaw pain. I can't eat and I'm spending excessive amounts of money on pain relief. The cause of all this? A cheese pasty. FML

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By kp - Australia

Today, it was my boyfriend's birthday. After spending a reasonable amount of cash to get us a nice hotel room to celebrate, he decides he would rather spend the night drinking with his friends. They all threw up in the bath tub before passing out on our bed. FML

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By amber - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my boyfriend gave me acne cream for my birthday. FML

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By Halle - United States

Today, my immature step-father rubbed my head destroying the $300 hairdo that took two and a half hours to finish. Three minutes before my wedding ceremony. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it's been so long since my fiancé and I have had sex I now apparently have dreams about all-night unprotected screwing marathons with George Bush. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my sister called me and asked if my boyfriend of 3 years had proposed to me yet. And now the surprise is ruined. FML

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By musamalia - France

Today, a very pretty girl came up to me and asked me for my phone number. Very pleased, I give it to her with a huge smile and tell her that I can be reached at any time. I then watch her go back to her group of friends. My number was for her gay friend, who then meekly waved at me. FML

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By Unlucky - United States

Today, as I got up from the couch, my computer, which was next to me, fell on to my pinky toe. It fell just so that the edge of it cut my toe open. I cursed, and hobbled toward the bathroom to get a bandage. As I'm going into the bathroom, I stub said toe on the door jamb. FML

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By Nastiaa - Estonia

Today, I was a host during kids' event. I did my job and started to do some funny moves to entertain the kids. I was wearing a top with a really low cut. Then noticed that all the children were pointing at me happily and adults looked surprised. Then I noticed that both my boobs had popped out. FML

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By ahhahaha - United States

Today, I had to go to the police station to pick up my 42 year old dad. Why? He was caught stealing candy. FML

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By areyoukiddingme - United States

Today, I came out to my parents. They laughed in my face. FML

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By Failsafe - United States - Newark

Today, I worked up the courage to ask out the girl I liked. I got her a nice bracelet for her birthday and asked her on a date when I gave it to her. "Aww, you're so sweet!" was the response to the gift. Her response to the date proposal? "Wait, you aren't gay?" FML

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By vstan - United States

Today, I swerved off the road and hit a tree in order to avoid hitting a dog that came out of nowhere. Don't worry, I didn't hit him. The person behind me did, though. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was on my way to work. Out of nowhere, my period started. Due to allergies, I had uncontrollable sneezes. Now, I have blood all over my pants. FML

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By - France

Today, I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. On new years, my mom called and asked what kind of champagne I want. FML

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By themanzz - Canada

Today, I was helping my Dad pick up the pieces of bark that came off the tree that we'd just cut down. I bent over to grab a dark looking piece of bark. Turn out it was my dogs crap. Fresh, warm, moist piece of crap to be exact. FML

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By Should have stayed in the closet

Today, I was leaving college when my yearlong roommate said that he "needed me inside him" before I left. Having just accepted that I’m gay, we had sex. Only later did I learn about the floor-wide bet about me being gay. I still don’t know if my roommate fucked me for fun or for 5 cases of beer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother came over again to help me work on my Student Aid application. She also brought over the savings bonds that she has been accumulating since I was born to help pay for college. Turns out they won't reach maturity until I'm thirty. She never bothered to check out this fact. I'm screwed for college. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent the entire day at school being called Meg. My name isn't Meg, so I started to get really annoyed and confused. Later, I found out it was because I look like Meg from the show Family Guy. She's known for being unpopular, unwanted, ugly, and stupid. FML

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By nothing - United States

Today, I went bowling. The guy at the lane next to us was bowling by himself and had a few of his own bowling balls, and he had one that looked like a yin-yang and it looked very cool spinning down the lane into the pins. Not really thinking, I casually said to him "Hey, I like your balls." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend that her mom doesn't give us any privacy when we're at their place. I suggested that we go to my place for a change, and she agreed. Her mom called my house three times to see what we were doing. We're well beyond teenagers. FML

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By katams - United States

Today, I was going for a walk and I kept smelling pee wherever I went. After about an hour, I finally figured out that the smell was me. My dog had peed on my sweatshirt. FML

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By anonymous - France

Today, my dad called me for the first time in weeks. All he wanted to tell me was that Ashlee Simpson got fired from Melrose Place. Then he hung up. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was let go from work because they need "younger people". I'm 19 and I work at a flower market. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I scratched a lottery ticket I had gotten for my birthday and won $10,000. In celebration, I jumped up and raised my hands directly into a ceiling fan. Oh, and it was a fake ticket. FML

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By writer4life - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on-line. While cuddling on the couch, he asked me for a blow job. I refused. He said, "But I thought big girls liked doing that." FML

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Top comments

By millsjoshua949 | 12

#7936027 - Friday 4 September 2020 23:28

So the woman obviously has mental health issues. Shouldn't this be fuck her life??? She has to live with it.

By genuinegoodguy | 9

#7936030 - Saturday 5 September 2020 0:06

Did you accept them back? Did they talk to you too ?

I pleased you stayed safe.

COMMENTS

By millsjoshua949 | 12

#7936027 - Friday 4 September 2020 23:28

So the woman obviously has mental health issues. Shouldn't this be fuck her life??? She has to live with it.

By genuinegoodguy | 9

#7936030 - Saturday 5 September 2020 0:06

Did you accept them back? Did they talk to you too ?

I pleased you stayed safe.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7936055 - Saturday 5 September 2020 3:26

Why is this your FML?

You should happily refund the lady's money, then go on the road with The Talking Mangoes! You'll make millions!!!

By akvan | 8

#7936070 - Saturday 5 September 2020 5:01

Weeeeeeell... What did they say to her? Were they rude?or was she just misinterpreting what they were saying?

Reply

RichardPencil | 29

#7936078 - Saturday 5 September 2020 6:30

They were saying, "Put down that knife! Please don't kill me! Aieeeeeee!"

By Rusty Armstrong | 13

#7936133 - Saturday 5 September 2020 13:39

sounds like she needs to lay off the bath salts.

By Chazzster | 20

#7936166 - Saturday 5 September 2020 18:11

It’s always safer to humor and be polite to the mentally unbalanced than to argue with them. Refunding the nut job’s money was the safest choice.

By jcarter25 | 12

#7936458 - Monday 7 September 2020 3:28

I’d be giving her money back yesterday.

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7936470 - Monday 7 September 2020 4:58

You need to accept them back and talk to the mangos about being nice to people so they can go to a good home.