Intimacy: Today, while my kids were taking a nap in the other room, I masturbated... - FML

By pervert - 09/01/2010 06:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, while my kids were taking a nap in the other room, I masturbated while Dora The Explorer was on. I think I need to get out more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 499

You deserved it 28 628

This Charming Man

Weird reason to leave, but OK

The truth will set you free

By Anonymous - 25/02/2015 11:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my friends that I'd gotten a paid position to cover a worker's bereavement leave for the next three weeks. They then called me an insensitive bitch for 'profiting from someone else's misfortune'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 537

You deserved it 2 844

By Anonymous - 17/04/2016 16:37 - United States - Middletown

Today, during a soccer game, some utter moron got the bright idea of trying to score a goal from his side of the field. I sarcastically made a big show of just barely stopping the ball, and nailed it off to the side. The ball hit a kid so hard in the head that he had to go to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 765

You deserved it 4 983

By AliKate - 17/08/2019 14:01

Today, my father has finally started to focus on his health to reduce his weight and cholesterol. He has also decided that I'll do it with him. Now, he won't let me eat unless he's there to watch me. He leaves at 7 a.m. and doesn't come home until 9. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 568

You deserved it 173

By squishy - 18/11/2009 21:11 - Canada

Today, I woke up with a ridiculous hangover and no memory of last night. I called my friend who told me that I was so trashed I ended up eating all the hamburgers and chicken fingers in her fridge. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 919

You deserved it 51 088

Humorless parents are the worst

By druglord - 28/06/2020 14:10

Today, I asked my parents if I could have their old Polaroid camera so I could take artsy pictures, but they got all defensive, because, "Polaroid pictures can’t be traced." So I jokingly said I was using it to take pictures of my drug cartel to have a record of my stocks, and now they think I’m some sort of drug lord. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 236

You deserved it 427

Gratitude

By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 02:02

Today, I brought my girlfriend flowers. All she managed to do was to say it’s been a year since you brought me flowers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 704

You deserved it 301

Please, apologize

By Tytonic - 03/02/2020 14:00 - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, my teacher yelled at me for using my phone in class. I apologized out loud, knowing that it would help me get off easier. She was yelling at somebody else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 732

You deserved it 2 005

By justwow - 21/03/2012 23:58 - United States - Fort George G Meade

Spicy

Today, I saw an article about how some people think internet access is more important than sex. I asked my boyfriend which he thought was more important. He chose internet access. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 812

You deserved it 7 357

By Anonymous - 27/10/2013 16:33 - United States - Tulsa

Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while a babysitter took care of my 5-year-old daughter. After she came home, she told me the sitter let her use her "weird swing." I wasn't too worried, until she said it was indoors, and I realized she was describing a sex swing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 693

You deserved it 4 432

By rileynautumn - 13/06/2011 19:04 - United States

Today, after a full shift at work, I got home to my boyfriend playing CoD, a full sink, crap all over the table, a full cat box, dirty bathroom, no laundry done and the kids at my parents' house. He yelled at me because the place was a mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 130

You deserved it 9 660

By Anonymous - 24/12/2010 07:15 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's to get a checkup. When the nurse stuck the Otoscope into my ear to look, she was disgusted. When she pulled it out, she told me that I had an ear infection, and that she'd popped a pimple in there by mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 851

You deserved it 5 307

By mj - 05/06/2011 20:20 - United States

Today, my wife announced that she wanted a divorce. She'd actually started dating another man a few months ago, but she wanted to drag our marriage out as long as possible just in case her new relationship fell through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 251

You deserved it 3 357

By naomids - 30/12/2011 00:29 - United States

Today, my mom asked me to help pick out clothes for my grandma to wear in her casket. I didn't know she'd died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 179

You deserved it 3 003

By julie - 12/11/2009 01:54 - United States

Today, I realized that if you are too lazy to get completely dressed in the morning and only put on a top, you should not answer a Skype video call from your boss that involves you standing up, turning around and grabbing files from your filing cabinet all in clear view of your web cam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 022

You deserved it 42 431

No feeling - Just conversation

By Anonymous - 22/11/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, I was touching myself under the sheets at 2:00 a.m. when my very drunk dad walked into the room. I was afraid to move my hand for fear of getting caught red-handed, so I had a 30 minute conversation with him with my fingers still inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 204

You deserved it 851

By Anonymous - 02/10/2010 13:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me over for dinner. When I walked in the door, he asked why I was here; apparently he dialed the wrong girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 841

You deserved it 3 147

By Anonymous - 31/12/2008 18:23 - France

Today, I crashed my car racing backwards and told my parents I was rear ended. They made me call the police and file a report. I hope there were no cameras. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 096

You deserved it 48 000

By Anonymous - 20/10/2015 13:39 - United Kingdom

Today, two women came into my place of work, complaining loudly that they couldn't afford a £3 course fee because they didn't have any money to spend on themselves. They were holding large Starbucks coffees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 379

You deserved it 1 453

By LadyAlyxandrea - 14/07/2018 19:00

Today, I almost died after getting an epidural in my neck. The medicine paralyzed my entire body, including my diaphragm and lungs. The doctor tried to say it was a panic attack. I had turned blue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 031

You deserved it 219

By Anonymous - 11/05/2011 14:33 - United States

Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 236

You deserved it 16 279

By coolcat10156 - 08/07/2015 07:04 - United States - Keller

Today, while waiting the required 5 minutes for my hair removal cream to work, my cat rubbed all over my legs while I wasn't looking. After getting clawed to death throwing her in the bath to get the cream off, all her hair on that side fell off. I now have a half hairless cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 980

You deserved it 4 589

Let it all out

By Anonymous - 24/05/2020 17:00

Spicy

Today, I had too much to eat at dinner. I had to cut sexy time with my husband short because I couldn't do it. I feel bad because it's his birthday today but we stopped. I then proceeded to throw up everything I ate today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 403

You deserved it 596

By Anonymous - 30/07/2013 06:52 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I was at a piano lesson playing a song I had worked very hard to make perfect. Halfway through, my teacher abruptly stops me and asks, "Did you notice that I rearranged the furniture?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 818

You deserved it 3 817

By are you kidding me? - 16/05/2016 21:24 - United States - Lady Lake

Today, my boss joined me on my vacation, to "make sure I actually went". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 478

You deserved it 910

By potassiumgirl - 11/04/2012 19:53 - United States - Hollywood

Spicy

Today, I was eating a banana, and decided to practice my blowjob skills, since my boyfriend is always complaining that I'm bad at giving head. Let's just say my lungs now have their daily dose of potassium. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 007

You deserved it 38 703

By sparkus - 15/12/2015 15:15

Today, while out hiking with my girlfriend, she thought it would be funny to push me down a small hill. It turned out there was a 16 foot drop at the end of it, and now my leg is in a cast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 611

You deserved it 1 709

"Based on your purchase history…"

By Anonymous - 19/09/2020 20:02

Today, in the break room at work, I was looking through my email on my phone about my Amazon orders. There was a suggested product that looked like a dildo. I turned around to see my boss behind me glancing at my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 941

You deserved it 243

By DwarvenWalrus - 16/08/2017 01:30

Today, I was at the water park in Disney World when I felt something run down my leg. I thought that I just hadn't dried off all the way, but when I looked down, there was diarrhea running out of my shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 409

You deserved it 693

Some friend

By Anonymous - 26/03/2021 02:02

Today, I got fired from my job after I wouldn’t lend my friend $1000. How? She retaliated by taking time out of her hands to compile screenshots of all my Facebook posts about talking shit about my boss and coworkers and e-mailing them to our corporate e-mail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 706

You deserved it 1 422

Side piece

By sideGirl - 26/09/2020 10:01 - United States - Lancaster

Spicy

Today, I found out my boyfriend has another girlfriend when she walked into his bedroom while we were having sex. I didn't drive there, so I'm now sitting in his car while they fight. It's been two hours since she got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 435

You deserved it 175

By imsad - 06/11/2009 22:26 - United States

Today, my younger brother decided it would be fun to slam a door on my hand while I was holding my brand new $200 cell phone that I got for my birthday. Nothing says Happy Birthday like a broken phone to go along with a broken hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 682

You deserved it 2 589

By Anonymous - 02/09/2018 20:30

Today, as a male in his 40s, I went to "mixed" aerobics. I arrived late to find the entire female class had started intensely warming up. Within 5 minutes I pulled a calf muscle and left limping pathetically past a martial arts class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 445

You deserved it 580

By apparentlyunattractive - 07/06/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, someone left a note on my car, saying "You're gorgeous. Call me. #######." I called the number and they said they saw me in the store I was in, telling me "You were the ONLY attractive person in there." We decided to meet up. He walks over, I say hi, he says "I think I put my number on the wrong car." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 926

You deserved it 7 425

By Chessmomma3 - 10/05/2019 01:00

Today, my 18-month-old found our "naughty drawer." I found her carrying a "toy" all over the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 328

You deserved it 917

By miseventshappen - 09/11/2009 05:49 - United States

Today, I was at the mall, I saw a girl crying that her ice cream had fallen on the floor. Feeling generous, I bought her a new one. She threw it on the ground, laughed, and came over to her mom and told that I was bothering her, so the mom called security. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 574

You deserved it 4 990

By unbelievable - 03/06/2017 20:00

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend always says she's been at "Alex's house", she hasn't meant the house of her friend Alexis, but rather the house of the man she has been cheating on me with. She literally told me she was cheating on me and still managed to avoid getting caught. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 138

You deserved it 1 464

Grammar police alert

By Weekdae - 09/12/2020 09:01 - United States - Litchfield Park

Today, I found another comment online referencing, "Smoke weed everyday." With all due respect for smoking weed, when will people learn that "every" and "day" need to be two separate words in that context? This is seriously making it hard for me to focus on my work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 342

You deserved it 1 293

By SoundConfuser - 13/10/2010 11:58 - Australia

Today, after spending the three previous nights cursing the noisiest bird alive that continually disrupts my sleep to the point where I just want to smash the damn thing's head in with a rock, I realised it's been my pedestal fan the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 442

You deserved it 32 123

By noname - 27/04/2012 12:04 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I found out that my fellow marching band mates all refer to me as the "short girl with big tits" because none of them can remember my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 121

You deserved it 4 452

By clueless - 29/10/2009 04:09 - Canada

Today, I confronted my boyfriend, suspecting that he has been cheating on me during the past few months. He vehemently denied it. Then told me it would never happen again. What? FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 966

You deserved it 3 147

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Saturday 9 January 2010 12:30

that is really creepy. fyl.

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Saturday 9 January 2010 12:43

....over Dora the Explorer or was it just on?! Either way, ew.

Comments

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Saturday 9 January 2010 12:30

that is really creepy. fyl.

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Monday 8 February 2010 6:42

not creepy. Dora is grown up now. has her own lil rainforest (if you catch my drift) and has bewbz so yeah I beat to her every morning

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Monday 8 March 2010 7:02

Maybe he was looking at lewd pictures while watching Dora and her 8-year-oldness.

Fuzzygraywolf 0

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Wednesday 10 March 2010 18:26

hey swiper no swipein! :D lol

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Tuesday 6 April 2010 6:46

105 lol swiped swiped her virginity.

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Tuesday 6 April 2010 6:48

sorry I meant swiper swiped dora's virginity. damn anti flood protection!

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Thursday 22 April 2010 3:48

wow your comment made me lol

tweetbaby14 18

Wednesday 23 June 2010 19:40

yea I agree OP you should get out more before you become a pedofile. just stay away from: schools, family resturaunts, mcdonalds, bk, waterparks, public pools, etc.

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Tuesday 24 August 2010 6:19

you're sick. >:(

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Friday 15 April 2011 4:52

you couldn't have turned it off? wtf!

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Monday 24 September 2012 6:23

Cum on vomonos....

BIGBOY4rmAHM 19

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Sunday 13 April 2014 10:06

You did it, you did it, you did it, hooray!!!

skeleton_skinner 0

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Saturday 9 January 2010 12:39

2nd! Creeeepy!!!!!

qazaq 1

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Saturday 20 August 2011 20:18

Pedophile

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Saturday 9 January 2010 12:43

....over Dora the Explorer or was it just on?! Either way, ew.

CoonAndFriends 0

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Tuesday 14 December 2010 17:52

If it was over Dora the Explorer... what the hell is attractive about that? Her stomach is sticking out xDXD. Maybe it was over Swiper? ;D

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Monday 5 December 2011 6:20

I'm pretty sure the kids fell asleep while watching TV and it was just on in the background...

Wyaru 9

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 4:11

He's pretty foxy

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Saturday 9 January 2010 12:49

very disturbing...

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Saturday 9 January 2010 12:55

are u the father or mother? u dont need to get out, u need to get laid!

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Thursday 12 May 2011 1:20

i agree

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Thursday 9 June 2011 21:31

it says the gender at the top

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Saturday 9 January 2010 13:02

u r the sickest man alive. how do u wack off to Dora the explorer? it's people like u we don't need in the society. now I feel bad for your kids. if u can masturbate to Dora, then shit u are a fuckin pedophile. I hope your wife leaves your weird ass alone

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Monday 15 November 2010 4:24

lolololol so true

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Wednesday 4 January 2012 17:28

6 u are like such a fag! U desrve to be left by ur wife! We dont need u in society! By now u must realise im making fun of u! Trollbag!!

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Friday 13 January 2012 13:16

I'm guessing everyone who did thumbs down was a fellow pedo bear Thumbs up on this comment from me

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Saturday 9 January 2010 13:06

yucky

skeleton_skinner 0

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Saturday 9 January 2010 13:08

I slightly agree with

ReadALLDemLettrz 1

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Sunday 14 October 2012 22:05

Same

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Saturday 9 January 2010 13:14

that is just wrong!

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Saturday 9 January 2010 13:32

OP didn't specify whether or not they masturbated TO Dora, or if it was just in the backround . . . either way, turn off the TV and use your imagination. Have the kids do the same. It will do you all a world of good.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 15

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 19

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 512

You deserved it 140

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 237