Today, my roommate and I got into an argument. He told me he understood if I didn't forgive him "for a couple of days." He'd confessed to undressing my girlfriend in her sleep. FML
Today, I was lying in bed with my boyfriend, telling him how much I loved him. His answer? "Less lovin' more humpin'." This happens every single time. FML
Today, my boyfriend found out that if guys eat fruit often, their sperm will taste better. He bought a can of fruit for himself to eat, and said that he bought it just for me. This is the most romantic thing he's ever done. FML
Today, I finally figured out why my mechanic was so cheap; he wanted to sleep with me. After I politely declined, he charged me regular price plus extra for "humiliating" him. He's 60. I just recently turned 18. FML
Today, no matter how much I begged, my friend who'd locked himself away with my iPhone wouldn't stop taking pics of his penis and forwarding them to my boss. FML
Today, since I'm too ashamed to go buy a proper sex toy, I used an old Star Wars toy sword instead. FML
Today, I zoned out in a coffee shop for about two minutes and was brought back to reality when a woman smacked me out of my seat. Apparently I was staring at her chest while zoned out. FML
Today, I got into a fight with my boyfriend. The only thing he could think of to cheer me up was to give me "permission" to give him a blowjob. FML
Today, I was asked how far I've gone with a guy. My answer? Eye contact. I'm 19. FML
Today, at work in a liquor store, a man came in to demand a refund because after he "drank the whole bottle of Jack" he "couldn't get it up" for his wife. He thought that alcohol was supposed to be an aphrodisiac, and blamed me personally for his "whiskey dick". FML
Today, I finally noticed that my wife only shaves her bush when she goes on "business trips." FML
Today, I discovered that if I work out, I can't get an erection, but if I don't work out, my penis functions fine. This wouldn't be such a problem if I wasn't a professional bodybuilder. FML
Today, while walking in the city with my little sister, she let go of my hand. Not wanting to lose her, I quickly tried to grab it back. That resulted in me grabbing some 50 year-old man's junk. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me about this guy who makes balloon animals with his penis. My boyfriend has spent the last 4 hours trying to make his penis look like a pretzel. FML
Today, I discovered the reason my favorite stick of deodorant hasn't smelled right for the past two weeks. My dad uses it on his butt crack and balls "to clean up the stank". FML
Today, while zooming down the interstate, I had to tell my husband to put his penis away. FML
Today, I took my clothes off in front of my girlfriend for the first time. She made a weird face for a moment, then burst into laughter. She couldn't stop laughing, no matter how hard she tried. FML
Today, after being kept awake all night by my house-mate and his girlfriend, they woke me at the crack of dawn to apologize for being so loud. FML
Today, my girlfriend freaked out on me because I answered her call on the first ring. According to her, it implies that I'm desperate, always horny, and just want her for the sex. Just last week she got pissed because I waited three rings to answer. Apparently that means I'm cheating on her. FML
Today, in one fell swoop, my testicles and spirits were simultaneously crushed into submission by the girl I like. FML
Today, my boyfriend showed me his penis for the first time. All I could think to say was, "That's a clean circumcision." FML
Today, I went to pick up some of my clothes from my boyfriend's apartment. While searching under his bed he pulled out a tank top and bra and asked if they were mine. They weren't. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend for the first time. He was so nervous, he broke down in tears after failing to unclasp my bra after multiple fumbling attempts. Mood? Ruined. FML
Today, I took my new boyfriend to a family dinner. Despite having made everyone agree to be on their best behavior, my grandma spewed obscenities such as "fuck me sideways, aren't you a catch?" and "you just can't pull ass like that at my age" throughout. FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted that on his last visit, he snuck into the laundry and stole a lacy black thong he assumed was mine. It wasn't. It was my dad's. FML
Today, a fight broke out in a bar between several people, over some talk about one of their moms being somewhat inclined towards intercourse with her pets. I managed to slip out quietly with just a scratch from flying chair debris, despite having started the rumor. FML
Today, my mother and aunt got into an argument about who had gotten groped more times in public. I don't know what's more disturbing, that my own mother would brag about getting groped, or that she won the argument, at 34 times. FML
Today, my roommate demanded that I dance naked for him as a birthday present. When I declined, he offered to pay me. When I declined again, he stormed off to pout in his room and played really loud depressing music. We're both guys and I have 11 months left on my lease with him. FML
Today, I was caught whacking off by my mother. She now takes every free moment of her time to read extracts from the Bible to me. FML
Today, while stuck in traffic on the highway, my 5 year-old in the back seat asked me why the man in the car next to us was pulling on the other man's "peepee". FML
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