Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend told me about this guy who makes balloon...

By Anonymous - 08/08/2011 14:29 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend told me about this guy who makes balloon animals with his penis. My boyfriend has spent the last 4 hours trying to make his penis look like a pretzel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 611

You deserved it 4 448

Intimacy

Age difference

Sorry…

RIP x 2

By Callum536 - 22/08/2016 09:51 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, it's my birthday and I'd invited quite a lot of my friends to come round and have some fun. When I got home, I saw a few cars outside. It turned out to be for the neighbours. I waited and waited; none of my friends showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 911

You deserved it 859

Gross dude, dude

By GhostPenguin - 08/10/2021 11:01 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I had to tell my 30 year-old boyfriend to take a shower, or else he won't for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 783

You deserved it 153

By DuhSteven - 06/06/2012 17:04 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I had my first ever shift at the zoo. My job is to explain the characteristics and habits of various animals to the visitors. A five-year-old outsmarted me while I was talking about lions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 455

You deserved it 26 502

By Shell - 05/03/2009 07:14 - United States

Today, I was working at Chuck-E-Cheese. If that isn't enough, I was put in the mouse costume. Due to the disgusting hot smell and atmosphere in the costume, I fainted in front of a birthday party. I awoke to a little boy screaming who then kicked me in the face and ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 267

You deserved it 4 399

By ilovezim29 - 03/06/2012 07:45 - United States - Windsor

Today, I went to Safeway. The security guard wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. When I confronted him about it he told me that they looked fake and he was making sure I didn't stuff my bra with stolen items. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 814

You deserved it 4 858

By zaktor - 08/04/2018 15:00

Today, at my fundraising job, I got my biggest donation ever: $500. I accidentally added a zero and charged the donor $5000. What I got: an angry phone call and a lecture from my boss. What I didn't get: a donation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 195

You deserved it 3 539

By Anonymous - 17/11/2014 02:25 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I was counselling a soon-to-be teen mom. She has a younger step-brother, and when I asked her how she handled him when he cries, she said, "Oh, that's when you cover their face until they stop!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 146

You deserved it 2 573

By 21ShitCleaner - 21/04/2015 12:51 - United States - Poway

Today, my dad woke me up at 5am saying that there was dog shit on the carpet. I thought it was just a clever ruse to get me into the living room for a birthday surprise. It wasn't. There really was dog shit that I had to clean up, with no "Happy birthday"s even uttered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 995

You deserved it 2 861

By Monkey253100 - 03/06/2012 14:47 - France

Today, I decided to be healthy and go for a run. I broke my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 329

You deserved it 4 082

By Ivan - 02/03/2011 10:10

Today, at work I tried to help an old man by opening the door for him. He flipped me off because I was wearing a Kansas State University shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 444

You deserved it 9 251

By yup - 05/06/2011 07:23 - United States

Today, I thought it would be hot if I sent my boyfriend kinky message. He didn't reply so I sent a few more. 10 minutes later I got a reply saying, "Honey, this is his mom and you should be a little less desperate." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 127

You deserved it 57 053

By subtweetqueen - 09/09/2016 04:18 - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, the 3-year-old I nanny wanted to prove to me that he was tall enough to pee standing up in front of the toilet. When he realized he actually was tall enough, he got excited and misdirected his stream, covering himself, his brother, and me in urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 435

You deserved it 1 209

By Anonymous - 29/11/2011 16:15 - United States

Today, I was lying on the floor playing with my cat. I was holding her in the air, when my sister tripped over the TV cord and unplugged the cable. The TV made a loud fuzzy sound, I got scared and threw my cat in the air. I got scratched in the face by a falling cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 513

You deserved it 27 241

Such a healthy environment

By Predator - 21/03/2021 18:30 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, on my first full day on Marine Corps boot camp, my drill instructor pulled me and another kid in front of 200 other recruits to vote on who was uglier between the two of us. I won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 187

Check these out, guys!

By Anonymous - 17/01/2021 13:59

Today, instead of forwarding my male boss my Covid screening results, I sent him and the entire leadership team an email offer for testosterone boosters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 322

You deserved it 683

By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 00:02 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend's job to ask him a question. His co-worker answered the phone, and when I asked for my boyfriend, he assumed I was someone else. Who exactly would that someone else be? FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 062

You deserved it 3 824

By Anonymous - 24/07/2009 10:01 - United States

Today, I was in an elevator with my dad and several strangers. When the elevator voice said, "Going down," my dad excitedly said, "Man, I love it when she says that!" loudly enough for everyone to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 984

You deserved it 4 674

By ShandiPandiDerp - 20/05/2016 12:12 - United States

Today, my phone charger caught fire. I was thankful to be there to witness it. I was not thankful for having been holding it while this happened, as my shirt caught on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 687

You deserved it 1 104

By himtopia19 - 03/03/2009 00:09 - United States

Today, I was driving at night and saw a small animal run across the road. I slammed on my brakes and got rear-ended. The animal turned out to be a plastic grocery bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 583

You deserved it 16 396

By nothing is sacred - 23/02/2017 12:00 - United States - Reynoldsburg

Today, I caught my mom using my toothbrush and washcloth again, despite her having both her own bathroom and supplies. I asked her to please not use mine, to which she called me an ungrateful bitch. My dad agreed. Yet they wonder why I've been desperately saving money to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 464

You deserved it 483

By ohboy - 06/03/2009 00:51 - United States

Today, I was supposed to see an apartment. 30 minutes after I was to meet the owner, she still hadn't shown. I called her. When I got no response, I was annoyed and kept calling. Finally, she answered, said, "I'm in the hospital with my father. He just died. Please stop calling me," and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 978

You deserved it 21 412

By spitty - 14/04/2015 21:50 - United States - Willoughby

Today, I got a massage. Just as I was starting to relax, the massage therapist drooled on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 465

You deserved it 2 165

Connection

By Anonymous - 22/08/2015 05:49 - Canada - London

Today, my coworker called me a liar when I said I've been to New York. This is the same psycho who honestly expects me to believe that she and Brad Pitt have a "thing" and that he secretly communicates with her through interviews on TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 820

You deserved it 1 786

By Babs - 02/01/2014 13:17 - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I did a bike ride and run with a gent I'm serious about. On the run, I had a big lead until he passed me up saying, "I'm going to marry you." Puzzled that he would propose and then sprint away leaving me trailing, he clarified at the finish. His words: "I'm going to bury you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 222

You deserved it 5 361

By Anonymous - 30/07/2012 14:50 - United States

Today, I received my best compliment of the year so far when an ER doctor commented positively on the clarity of my urine sample. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 684

You deserved it 2 359

By Snowin2007 - 09/01/2010 08:16 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved his flaming red hair. He told me that he loved the fuzz on my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 111

You deserved it 7 496

Play 4′33″ by John Cage

By NonPianoMan - 26/08/2021 16:01

Today, after I'd told this girl I’m seeing that I play piano to impress her, it turns out her father is a pianist and has a grand piano in their house. Tonight, I’m supposed to go to her place to play her my "favorite piece." FML

I agree, your life sucks 166

You deserved it 1 960

By anonymous2.0 - 12/10/2012 06:15 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I asked my husband to come upstairs to our bedroom, thinking I could get some "special time." It ended up with us arguing about his mother, and him falling asleep cuddling my pillow while sucking his thumb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 220

You deserved it 3 633

By pootythe5th - 30/08/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I was at my favorite Mexican restaurant when I realized my really cute waiter, along with his buddies kept looking at me and smiling. Trying to be cool, I took a bite of my burrito, choked, and spilled ground beef down my new shirt and in my bra. They laughed the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 503

You deserved it 38 558

Everyone's an expert

By whatever mom - 23/07/2020 14:02

Today, my mother scolded me for undressing my son and giving him Tylenol to break his fever. She insisted I wrap him in several layers to increase his body temperature in order to let him "sweat the fever out." I’m married to a pediatrician. My mom didn’t finish high school. She swears we're wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 084

You deserved it 137

By Andrew - 31/10/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I got married. We both promised to remain abstinent until our wedding day. She's on her period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 718

You deserved it 9 853

By piece of shed - 31/08/2011 14:00 - United States

Today, I walked into my shed to find my daughter's boyfriend asleep and completely duct-taped to the ceiling, with his face painted like a clown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 165

You deserved it 3 484

Smart kid

By Anonymous - 12/05/2021 21:59

Today, I'm at the ER because my 13-year-old nephew ate an aromatic candle that smelled like chocolate. He saw it on my dresser and actually though it was chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 826

You deserved it 92

Cool moves

By Anonymous - 21/01/2021 23:01

Today, I tried pouring water on myself like in Coyote Ugly to the song "Pour Some Sugar On Me." I ended up waterboarding myself and I didn’t stop until the pitcher was done. I felt like I was drowning the whole time, and my partner knew from the choking sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 263

You deserved it 1 477

Ruining the moment

By Anali - 28/05/2021 04:01

Today, I saw the girl my ex cheated on me with had her baby. I wrote a comment on her photo about how the baby was a product of her affair with my ex. She disabled her comments and I kept getting DM’s about how I should, "stop being so negative." Apparently infidelity is not frowned upon these days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 568

You deserved it 1 568

By Caught - 11/11/2010 13:34 - United States

Today, I was in the car hooking up with my boyfriend. He was on top of me when I noticed my neighbor jogging toward the car. Instead of hiding, I felt compelled to wave as he jogged past us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 653

You deserved it 43 015

By Iris - 12/10/2016 13:53 - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today I bought a 50$ voucher card to refill my phone. After I purchased it, I threw the receipt in the dustbin. When I got home, I found out that the 14-digit pin code was on the receipt. I basically threw 57 bucks in the dustbin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 362

You deserved it 11 609

WTF, dude?

By NNTA - 26/12/2013 23:21 - Netherlands - Maastricht

Today, as I was driving back home from my grandma's, I looked over at the guy in the lane beside me, only to witness him with a sandwich between his teeth and his cock in his free hand. Now I know why I don't leave the city, or even drive, more often. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 237

You deserved it 4 502

By anonymous - 27/12/2011 22:32 - United States

Today, I was driving home from work when I saw the woman in the car in front of me throw something out the window. Only when it landed on my windshield did I realize what it was. A bloody tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 344

You deserved it 2 631

By DaycareMama92 - 28/04/2017 16:00

Today, I fractured a bone in my foot by dropping a shampoo bottle on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 220

You deserved it 400

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Top comments

whiteboy7thst 2

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:00

So he has that long of a penis? Stop complaining..

plebeianFelix 5

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:00

that's a lofty goal, you should be proud of him.

plebeianFelix 5

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:00

that's a lofty goal, you should be proud of him.

ripgeorgecarl1n 7

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:03

Its pretty impressive if he can come even close to tying his snake on a knot.

Keyman1212 14

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:11

Tell him he can rupture the chambers in his penis, effectively breaking it. He'll think twice before he tries to make a doggie with his peepee.

Pixxio_O 11

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:20

I wish I could do that... :(

jordanp17 3

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:32

37 I'll let you try with mine

Pixxio_O 11

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:42

Thanks for the offer 44 but I'm pretty sure mines longer...

gmc_blossom 21

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:52

Hello Pedobear. Good to see you.

zojieeu 6

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:53

Shemale? 37

Pixxio_O 11

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:58

You shall never know....

Keyman1212 14

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:59

Here's a cool, true story 54. My dad is good friends with Alan Rickman. He works with him through the Blackfriar's convention and through the Globe Theatre in London. I've met the man, and being as cruel and unwavering as the character Snape is a testament to Alan's acting ability, because he is a genuinely nice, sincere, affable fellow.

BlAcKgUyLoVeR3 7

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Monday 8 August 2011 20:19

cool story bro

eminemchick 19

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Monday 8 August 2011 20:30

a guy that made balloon animals with his penis? he mustve been a co-author for the kama sutra.

SirObvious 1

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Monday 8 August 2011 20:37

You like pretzels?! Ho

HeyLookJesus 11

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Monday 8 August 2011 21:00

The mental imagery is absolutely horrid! :P

goshpeople 4

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Monday 8 August 2011 21:11

An even loftier and more impressive goal would be for him to play Paganini on the piano with just his penis and perhaps a partner.

ktateprado 0

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Monday 8 August 2011 21:26

I do that every day!

je_suis_fml 11

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Monday 8 August 2011 21:27

He's long enough to replicate a pretzel and you're going "fml"? lol.. I'd like some of that "fml"..

enonymous 8

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Monday 8 August 2011 21:38

YouTube link.... NOW

emilymelizabeth 11

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Monday 8 August 2011 22:22

thats awesome u shud be very proud haha

brad5150 4

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 0:21

Tell him to make a snake

Denikk 0

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 1:03

Pixxio try with mine ... no way yours is longer... I can't even cover it. Well, it's not like I try...

donttalkjusteat 3

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 2:06

A pretzel isn't an animal :P but still, I am impressed

Pixxio_O 11

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 3:00

0.0... I'm sure u do denikk.. But no need as I've already done mine :D

KiddNYC1O 20

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 4:34

This thread is a little disturbing. You should be watching Nick at Nite or something, Pixx.

jannie22 0

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 4:42

Damn OP, your boyfriend must be a big boy. If you know what I mean.

mellasaurusrex 5

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 5:36

how...is that even possible...

Drigr 9

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 5:54

I would be more disturbed by the fact that the guy is looking up guys who can make animals with his penis.

firstgodofwar 0

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 6:21

I did it!!!!!!!!

zachherbert 10

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 8:23

Today, I heard of a man who can make balloon animals with his penis. I am trying to reach this legendary status, but my girlfriend keeps yelling at me. Plus, I've got a boner. Fml

Drigr 9

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 22:37

I can make a balloon snake with my penis.

clumsylittleme 11

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:00

Wow. that sucks. but kinda funny. sorry OP

annasworld 3

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:18

he's a keeper

Mysanitywins 10

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:19

This is epic!

GP14brBaller 5

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:27

I just hope he wasn't erect

sexyshit44 0

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:46

And u didn't help him op?

duckman9 54

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Monday 8 August 2011 20:24

neah, thats not funny, its just sad! and might end up really really painful.

ktateprado 0

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Monday 8 August 2011 21:28

^ if it gets stuck in a knotO.o

lmfaoooooooooo 4

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 2:01

Op's boyfriend to doctor: hey doc I broke my penis! Doctor: how? Boyfriend: I tried and turn it into a pretzel.

DomoLaDii 8

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:00

wow! lmao

otb113 7

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Monday 8 August 2011 22:41

i can make mine look like squidward! push the Jacobs up on each side for the eyes and well his nose... that's self explanatory!

whiteboy7thst 2

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:00

So he has that long of a penis? Stop complaining..

maskedman 9

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:46

Maybe she likes a small one; maybe she has a teeny tiny hoo-hah, or maybe she has some kind of reverse preference for dicks, or dickslexia, as it is often called.

knights95 9

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Monday 8 August 2011 21:07

It's Kenneth Kaniff cock boy

ktateprado 0

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Monday 8 August 2011 21:30

It never says he actually makes the pretzel. It says he TRIES.

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Monday 8 August 2011 21:35

Maybe it's not long, just really skinny. like a cherry stem :P

ktateprado 0

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Monday 8 August 2011 21:51

^ I could tie it in my mouth! NO HOMO.

maskedman 9

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Monday 8 August 2011 22:37

That comment actually sounded PRO-homo. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

eminemchick 19

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Monday 8 August 2011 23:46

ken kaniff from connecticut! no, he's more of a guy thatd be paired up with pedobear.. what time are you getting off?..work? or should i say, what time are you cumming over?

ariannaa_fml 17

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 3:49

Maybe she has chicken cocks?

mellasaurusrex 5

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 5:37

it'd be funny if he was attempting this with a small dick =] but then again....I don't see how it's possible, no matter what your size...

chrisdiazknowsbe 0

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Wednesday 10 August 2011 7:23

Ur a lame and never had a gf

Uncle_Ben96 5

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:01

I bet he can't make a snake.

MrPositive 0

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Monday 8 August 2011 20:25

That would be hard (get it)

lolololer 8

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Monday 8 August 2011 21:57

it might come out to be more like a worm :P

allinicolesmh 0

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Monday 8 August 2011 22:00

This comment made my day:)

Cokie_the_Clown 5

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 5:34

He should have tried to make a sword. =)

LuhDemDinosaurz 6

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 6:53

God forbid your bf has a beautiful hobby!

DRE140 0

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:01

That's a good way to stretch before sex

mdizzl 6

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:01

was he able to do it?

clumsylittleme 11

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:02

I was wondering that too. haha

Euronymous93 29

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Wednesday 21 August 2013 3:03

Yeah he'd have to be pretty big to be able to do that.

colecola12 0

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:01

At least he has a penis.

maskedman 9

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:48

There's nothing like having a penis. Vaginas can be cool too, but penises (or is it penii) are just the bees knees.

sourgirl101 28

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Monday 8 August 2011 21:47

Come on. You must have heard that with a vagina, you can have as many penises as you want. (old joke) BTW I don't think the plural of penis is penii. I think I read it as penes before but mostly it's spelt penises. I may be wrong. (:

SunDropGirl 0

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Monday 8 August 2011 22:10

Hahaha I get your joke! That's funny

Somoajoe11 2

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:02

I tried that once... Never worked out make him try it with real balloons. And why would he watch a guy make balloon animals with his penis?

alexistheboss365 0

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Monday 8 August 2011 23:35

Question is why not ?

jose1760 1

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 4:36

He likes balloon animals that's why

YoLauryn 0

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:02

I wonder if those skills could transfer over to the bedroom?

StopDropNRoll 11

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:14

Your telling me you want a pretzel? Cause that sounds painful and hard

shihan123 0

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:30

helo darlng

aFatFuck 0

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Monday 8 August 2011 19:46

Not to shatter your dreams...but it's basically impossible to bend an erect penis much less pretzel style.. no one has ever done it, it might just break off