Intimacy: Today, I took my new boyfriend to a family dinner. Despite having...

By moonstone15 - 06/08/2011 00:24 - United States

Today, I took my new boyfriend to a family dinner. Despite having made everyone agree to be on their best behavior, my grandma spewed obscenities such as "fuck me sideways, aren't you a catch?" and "you just can't pull ass like that at my age" throughout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 081

You deserved it 4 221

Intimacy

Late term

You tried

Mother of the year

By im_a_mocker - 28/01/2009 23:35 - United States

Today, I decided to make a toaster scramble. I thought it was bad enough when the pastry fell through the grate in the toaster over. Then it burst into flames. After 5 minutes of fanning the smoke away from the smoke detector, it still went off. Now my entire dorm building is outside in a snowstorm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 248

You deserved it 5 867

Stop siding with Karens!

By jobless - 02/07/2021 11:00

Today, I'm a massage therapist, and a woman got on my table with a rash. When I informed her that I couldn't work on her because of the rash, and that it's illegal, she got mad, and started yelling at me. My boss came to find out what happened, took her side, and fired me. For following the law. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 094

You deserved it 55

Authentification required

By Anonymous - 06/08/2021 10:01

Today, after registering my cellphone as my secondary authentication device for my campus account, it died for good. Despite still being logged in, most of my college's services are now locked behind a code sent to my unresponsive phone, including the ability to register any new authentication devices. FML

I agree, your life sucks 856

You deserved it 106

By biblepain - 28/03/2015 02:12 - United States - Tucson

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. Within minutes, they said I needed to leave. Their reason? Apparently, I was mocking her dad's speech impediment. I also have one but they wouldn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 232

You deserved it 2 207

By ThisPerson - 19/05/2011 10:11 - Canada

Today, my 53 year-old art teacher told me she's excited about going clubbing this weekend. I'm excited about watching a special on the History Channel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 196

You deserved it 6 660

Fill her up

By Anonymous - 03/02/2021 19:55

Today, I'm nearly done with my cortisol treatment for a persistent multi-day migraine. Good news: it actually stopped for the last two blissful, pain-free days. Bad news: apparently anything less than the maximum dose of cortisol doesn't prevent me from getting a new migraine. Here we go again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 796

You deserved it 53

By Anonymous - 23/09/2009 00:27 - United States

Today, I went online to check my credit report. My credit report says that I am deceased, and have no rating. I'm at least 90% sure that this is not true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 741

You deserved it 2 578

By MomLovesMeLessThanTrash - 14/08/2011 04:36 - United States

Today, I slipped on a plastic bag that my mom, the hoarder, was keeping on the stairs. I fell and sprained my ankle, getting rug burn in the process. Her response? Getting mad at me, putting the bag back on the stairs, then getting another to add to the pile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 079

You deserved it 2 695

By AML - 31/10/2013 14:30 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 19-year-old, long-distance boyfriend told me he wouldn't be able to text me all day because it's too hard to type while in his Spider-Man suit. It's non-negotiable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 219

You deserved it 15 289

By AllergicToRosesAndSingle - 15/02/2018 01:30

Today, I surprised my girlfriend with origami roses, as I am highly allergic to real ones. Her response? To scream at me and slam the door in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 959

You deserved it 420

By Anonymous - 02/07/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, was my first day working for a real estate company. just as I sat in my car my pants ripped hugely from my crotch all the way to the top of my pants and three inches wide. I was wearing a thong and we were on our way to show him an open house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 955

You deserved it 9 174

By Anonymous - 24/03/2017 22:00

Today, my son followed me around like a shadow, chanting, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom…" to the tune of Jingle Bells. It's March. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 565

You deserved it 501

By Puddlepop - 01/03/2016 09:20 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, in history class I was called "ignorant" and "inconsiderate" because I referred to Stalin as a "he". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 124

You deserved it 1 650

By emma209 - 24/01/2012 18:07 - Canada

Today, it's -20°C outside. Half way through my thirty minutes walk to work, my boss pulled up beside me in her car, said "You look cold. I'll see you at work." And then drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 405

You deserved it 3 220

By Synonymous_Rex - 05/01/2015 21:26 - United States - Thousand Oaks

Today, I went to gather the laundry out of the dryer. My daughter had seen my wife put bleach in the washer, so she decided that honey in the dryer would make the clothes smell sweet. She wasn't wrong, but now I have a giant ball of sticky socks and underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 733

You deserved it 2 808

By Anonymous - 30/08/2010 23:25 - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to play my friends the demo CD that I've spent all summer recording. I didn't tell them it was me. Not even 10 seconds into the first song, my best friend asked me to turn it off because it sucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 522

You deserved it 6 634

By Anonymous - 15/03/2010 23:42 - Canada

Today, I told my parents I wanted to try modelling. I decided that since I have such a low self-esteem, that it might benefit me, and make me feel better about myself and how I look. The first thing out of my dad's mouth was, "What? Why? You're ugly." Thanks dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 094

You deserved it 7 445

By psychworker - 15/12/2009 18:04 - United States

Today, while at work, I was asked if I wanted to leave early. I said no and let my co-worker go instead. Two hours later, I was punched in the face by one of my patients with absolutely no warning or provocation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 030

You deserved it 3 922

Chocolate chip

By Anonymous - 29/11/2019 14:00

Today, I was eating chocolate chip cookies around the house and saw a chocolate chip on the floor. Not wanting my dog to eat it, given that chocolate is poisonous for dogs, I swiped it up with my finger and put it to my mouth. It was then that I realized it was a stub of my dog's poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 911

You deserved it 2 778

Get tested, people

By Bhrugu - 30/04/2021 04:00 - India - Hyderabad

Today, I found out that people in the apartment to the left, in the one to the right and in the one above mine all tested positive for Covid, a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 850

You deserved it 100

By ThaBoss12 - 01/11/2014 22:22 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I saw what my mom handed out for trick-or-treaters last night. Toothbrushes. Yup, we're that house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 681

You deserved it 3 510

By Anonymous - 02/10/2015 10:22 - Australia

Today, my little sister thought it would be funny to send my girlfriend a text saying I cheated on her and wanted to break up. Her response was "lol whatever I've been fucking Steve for like a month anyway". Steve is my brother, and he won't admit or deny it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 646

You deserved it 2 123

By yamblam5 - 29/05/2016 03:32 - United States - Monroe

Today, it's been months since I graduated university. I still haven't managed to land a single interview. Meanwhile my brother recently woke up from a week long bender, realized he had no money for weed, went out, and 4 days later landed a well paid sales job 15 minutes from home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 747

You deserved it 1 489

By Anonymous - 29/05/2013 15:21 - United States

Today, I fainted. Instead of stopping to help, some guy stopped to draw a penis on my forehead. The EMT laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 231

You deserved it 3 840

By Random - 04/04/2017 07:00 - Canada - Langley

Today, I told my crush, who I've liked for a while, that I liked him. He looked at me in pure terror and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 963

You deserved it 367

Take the L

By Anonymous - 26/02/2014 09:31 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, on Facebook, someone wrote a status implying that she was going to kill herself. I called a mutual friend, asking to check up on her. The next status the girl puts up said, "Someone thought I was going to commit suicide! Haha what a loser!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 969

You deserved it 4 929

By Anonymous - 15/05/2015 23:55 - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad drinking. Trying to be cheerful, I greeted him with a "Hi, dad!" He sighed, shook his head, and said "It hurts me when you call me that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 650

You deserved it 2 363

By Bareassed - 29/07/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was at a water park with my family. They wanted me to stand underneath this big bucket filled with water. I didn't know it tips over, and my swimsuit isn't the tightest, so when all the water fell down, my swimsuit bottoms fell to my knees in front of tons of kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 555

You deserved it 12 909

By Omegared - 14/04/2011 22:12 - United States

Today, I gave myself a bloody nose while trying to show my brother how to use a yo-yo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 300

You deserved it 25 491

By douchegamer - 03/03/2013 03:38 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, after an argument with my pianist girlfriend about how bad my favourite song would sound on the piano, she stormed out of the room crying, leaving behind a CD. It was the piano version of the song she'd made for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 123

You deserved it 78 773

By DesperateBich - 28/11/2018 14:00

Today, I was in band rehearsing for a big concert coming up. Since the band was practicing with the orchestra and there weren’t enough seats, we had to stand. My back was facing everyone when my friend tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to my ass. I got my period and everyone saw the stain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 053

You deserved it 212

By Ouchmybum - 03/11/2018 12:00

Today, whilst out on a walk with the dogs, I decided to explore a different part of the woods. Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my bum. Then another. And another. I realised it was wasps and ran. I've been stung 11 times and have to go back tomorrow for the coat I dropped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 510

You deserved it 219

By Girafarig - 31/07/2009 06:44 - United States

Today, I was talking to my guy friend on the phone. He said, "You sound depressed, I should cheer you up and give you a big hug." Jokingly, I responded, "You wouldn't hug something as gross as me." His response? "You'd be surprised." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 243

You deserved it 44 793

By Anonymous - 15/01/2014 15:05 - United States - Bellflower

Today, my sister had me kicked out of her wedding reception for, in the words of her new husband, "harshing the buzz." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 936

You deserved it 5 372

By bunkbed - 30/08/2011 16:45 - Canada

Today, I bought my daughter a bunk bed. After spending several hours building it, she climbed up, then fainted. Turns out she's afraid of heights. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 981

You deserved it 3 861

By Nat3_2020 - 27/01/2015 14:02 - United States

Today, as I walked on to the bus, the girl I liked whispered something to her friend. Curious, I asked what was so funny. She said she never realized that when I got on, I shook the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 085

You deserved it 3 723

By doggylove - 13/11/2015 03:57 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I realized my boyfriend's dog is more excited to see me than he is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 562

You deserved it 2 210

By Username - 03/08/2011 03:33 - United States

Today, I quit smoking. It seems that when you don't smoke for almost 24 hours, your sense of smell comes back. I then noticed how disgusting my apartment smells. Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 780

You deserved it 51 904

Spin on this

By foreveralone - 21/03/2020 06:00

Today, I had my first kiss. It would have been great if I wasn't playing spin the bottle as a 23-year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 546

You deserved it 349

By Desiree_lianne - 26/03/2016 21:02 - United States

Today, my fiance said his cat is going to be my maid of honor at our wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 952

You deserved it 2 959

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments