Your everyday life stories

By gottapee - 26/04/2011 23:11 - United States

Today, I stepped outdoors for a minute. The wind blew the door shut, locking me outside. I've spent the last two hours pounding frantically on the windows, trying to wake my 4 year old son who is inside. I can see him sleeping soundly on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 723

You deserved it 6 032

By ForeverAlone - 16/04/2011 00:52 - United Kingdom

Today, after watching over my drunken mother all last night to make sure she didn't choke on her own vomit, I came to the conclusion that at the age of 53, she's more of a party animal than I ever will be. I'm a 22 year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 975

You deserved it 5 424

Foot in mouth #366

By Anonymous - 14/04/2011 01:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I bumped into an old school friend. I'd heard she was pregnant so the first thing I did was congratulate her. Not only was she not pregnant, but the reason she managed to get so fat was because of comfort eating due to her miscarriage last month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 021

You deserved it 7 467

By blower - 11/04/2011 04:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blow job from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 888

You deserved it 9 313

By a man - 10/04/2011 19:32 - United States

Today, my dog decided to fly through the front door like Superman. All 180lbs of her promptly slammed sideways into the wall, putting a dog-sized hole in the plaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 101

You deserved it 3 895

By Frazzled - 10/04/2011 10:59 - United States

Today, after three days of hospital camping with my very sick husband, he was finally out of danger when I left last night to get my first good night's sleep in almost 96 hours. He woke me at 5 a.m. with a phone call asking me to bring him comic books because he's bored. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 574

You deserved it 11 307

Smoke break

By Ouch - 10/04/2011 08:55 - Canada

Today, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. I had my headphones in and was blasting my music. It was also cold so I had my hood up. I had my back turned to the house and wasn't paying attention. My brother thought I was a burglar and tackled me to the concrete. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 917

You deserved it 30 742

By HM - 06/04/2011 17:28 - Germany

Today, I found out that my entire class, me included, has to rewrite the painfully difficult midterm we wrote last week. All this because the Professor left the exams strewn across her desk. The cleaners thought it was trash and disposed of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 820

You deserved it 3 581

By Anonymous - 29/03/2011 06:50 - United States

Today, I decided to mock a few stuck-up runners by effortlessly jumping over the track hurdles. The last one was the easiest. The easiest to crush my balls on, and twist my ankle up in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 406

You deserved it 52 334

By fml - 27/03/2011 01:28 - United States

Today, after 3 years at my job I received a 14% raise. I was informed I will be transitioned from hourly to salary. I will now be making $1500 LESS than I made last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 703

You deserved it 3 370

Fake it til you make it

By freshman - 25/03/2011 23:05 - Canada

Today, to make my dorm neighbours think I'm popular, I blasted music and screamed at the top of my lungs so it sounded like I was having a party. My residence manager slapped me with a noise violation, and demanded to come in to make sure we weren't drinking. I had to explain why I was by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 166

You deserved it 60 280

Triple A

By chi_chia - 24/03/2011 15:03 - United States

Today, while vacuuming my car, I discovered a hole in the floor under one of the seats. Unable to figure out where it came from, I took it to a professional, who informed me that a family of rats has been making my car their home for the last several months. How lovely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 933

You deserved it 4 945

Make your mind up

By SickandTired - 22/03/2011 16:59 - Australia

Today, I went to work despite having a nasty cold. I didn't call up sick because last week when I called in, my boss said I was being "unprofessional and unacceptable." My boss sent me home with a written warning today, claiming that coming to work sick was "unprofessional and unacceptable." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 793

You deserved it 3 784

You OK dude?

By gayboii - 19/03/2011 21:37 - United Kingdom

Today, while at a boring lecture, I heard some people behind me whispering and laughing. I turned around, wondering what was so funny, which made them laugh even more. I then realised it looked like I'd been giving my pen a blowjob for the last 10 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 005

You deserved it 35 707

Legality

By inpuredeceit - 17/03/2011 23:37 - United States

Today, I finished and turned in the last of the 17 major projects for the company I work for. As I was walking out of my boss's office, I heard her ask her assistant, "She finished everything we didn't want to do, can we fire her now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 963

You deserved it 3 129

Smart

By Anonymous - 16/03/2011 17:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date, the first one I've been on since my last boyfriend broke up with me 6 months ago. We were at a restaurant, and at the end of meal he insisted on paying the bill. He wanted to leave a 15% tip but couldn't work out in his head how much to leave. The bill was for £100. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 961

You deserved it 14 699

No fun

By Anonymous - 11/03/2011 02:27 - United States

Today, for our last kid-free dinner before the birth of our 4th child, we chose a Japanese hibachi restaurant. They sat us with a family with a toddler, who started screaming at the first flame trick, causing the chef to cease to do anything entertaining. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 803

You deserved it 4 602

By jm_track - 26/02/2011 22:59 - United States

Today, to punish me for being hungover, my roommate blasted the bagpipe version of "Amazing Grace" through his stereo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 041

You deserved it 35 412

Self own

By bitchyskier - 26/02/2011 21:36 - United States

Today, while waiting in line for the ski lift, the lady behind me kept stepping on my skis. Annoyed, I turned around and shouted at her, "Get the fuck off my skis!" Just as the last word escaped my mouth, I noticed that my skis were crossed and it was actually me stepping on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 947

You deserved it 63 825

By Anonymous - 26/02/2011 20:19 - United States

Today, I found out why my cell phone has been going missing every night for the last few months. My sister has been "borrowing" it so she can hold it against her crotch and repeatedly push the vibrate button. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 547

You deserved it 5 184

Compliance

By peeved - 18/02/2011 01:47 - United States

Today, I was forced to attend a fire safety class, as required by my job. Last year, I completed the fire academy as a volunteer fireman. The class was not only insulting, but wrong in many ways. I got kicked out for pointing them out. I now have to take it again, or be fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 517

You deserved it 5 876

By Lovenem - 16/02/2011 17:51 - United States

Today, my girlfriend said "It's funny how every time we have sex I'm wearing these panties." We've been having sex every day for the last six days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 394

You deserved it 7 122

See ya

By Emily - 14/02/2011 20:25 - France

Today, I woke up to a good friend of mine leaving my bed. The very friend I've had a crush on for months, and who knows exactly how I feel about him. Everything was great until he said, "Yeah, about last night… It's just that you were there, and I was weak. See ya." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 982

You deserved it 7 389

By Anonymous - 13/02/2011 08:36 - United States

Today, I confirmed that my neighbors burn their garbage in their backyard. How? My dog just threw up a nice smelly consistency of spaghetti, plastic and cigarette butts on my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 849

You deserved it 3 824

By KaraAnn17 - 12/02/2011 16:29 - United States

Today, I found out that the white marks on my pillow aren't from me drooling in my sleep like I originally thought. My roommate used my pillow to help support her lower back during intercourse with her hookup from last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 384

You deserved it 3 552

By heartbroken - 08/02/2011 17:21 - United States

Today, after a huge heartbreak and a night of crying, I wake up to an empty house. I go in the kitchen to make breakfast and see a note on the counter saying "We heard you crying last night and didn't want to hear you complaining this morning, so we went to the mall. - Mom" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 555

You deserved it 8 370

Oh great…

By stressedandcrowded - 05/02/2011 16:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my sister is going to spend the last two months of her pregnancy in my house to be with my mother. She's bringing her three wild children with her. The visit also happens to coincide with my end of year examinations in May and June. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 099

You deserved it 3 366

By mandapanda - 02/02/2011 18:22 - United States

Today, as I was driving to work in the aftermath of a terrible blizzard that came through my area last night, a lady slid through an intersection and hit my car, totaling it. I called my boss and told her what happened, only to have her tell me that we were closed due bad roads. No one told me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 173

You deserved it 4 889

By anon - 31/01/2011 22:46 - United States

Today, my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. My mom liked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 099

You deserved it 8 857

By Anonymous - 31/01/2011 17:35 - United States

Today, my fiancé ended our engagement, saying he wanted to have "one last quickie" for the road. He saw nothing wrong with that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 101

You deserved it 4 058

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The Top

Today, my father threw out my $100 wedge of blue cheese because it "smelled funny". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 022

You deserved it 2 254

Today, I tried to storm out of the room during an argument, but walked face-first into our closed sliding glass door. My boyfriend laughed so hard that he had to sit down. Later, we noticed the nose mark I left. He won't let me clean it, because he wants to show it to everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 376

You deserved it 10 798

Today, my ex girlfriend is sleeping over at my house. At some point while she was preparing to dump me, she became best friends with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 180

You deserved it 2 806

Today, I was at a local chinese restaurant with two of my friends. We were laughing hysterically when my friend tells me to stop making her laugh because she was going to puke, naturally I kept egging it on. She puked all over the table and I was laughing so hard that I peed my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 784

You deserved it 67 016

Today, I noticed some of my thongs were stretched out and now hung loose on my hips. I thought it might be the dryer set too hot but no, apparently my mom has been wearing them over her fat ass, and thought I wouldn’t mind since we occasionally share our hoodies. Not the same thing mom. GROSS. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 298

You deserved it 139

Today, I got beat up at the bar. Why? I politely rejected a guy's sexual advances, so he turned to physical intimidation. I'm a soft-spoken 5'6 straight male. I've been ghosted by every woman I've talked to in the past two years. The only attention I've gotten is from men who can't take no for an answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 129

You deserved it 124