Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 194

You deserved it 49

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 988

11/04/2011 04:01

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blow job from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 749

You deserved it 9 272

And today, on Dr Phil…

You tried

Ah yes, homophobic jokes, so funny

Pillow Fight Club!

By Crushingdefeat - 05/07/2021 18:03

Today, my girlfriend and I babysat our neighbors' 10 year-old. After a while, he challenged us to a pillow fight. I opted out, but she accepted. I went to use the bathroom and I came back to find her face down on the floor, as he sat on her back bashing a pillow against her head. What the hell did I miss? FML

I agree, your life sucks 711

You deserved it 103

Slid right out

By Tabby Rosas - 21/02/2021 21:30

Today, after 8 days of being on a medication that makes it hard to go to the bathroom and no luck taking laxatives and drinking coffee and apple juice, I finally got to go. Too bad I was at my desk at work when it happened. I washed out my pants in the bathroom and got to sit in wet pants for 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 949

You deserved it 63

22/12/2009 12:15

Today, I finally got my wish of having snow on my birthday. Excited, I failed to realise this meant that no one could come to my party, including myself as we were all snowed out of town. What did I spend my 18th doing? Tidying our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 966

You deserved it 3 912

Butt-dial

By I'm a recurring amateur porn consumer but this is bollocks. - 21/09/2021 23:00

Spicy

Today, my father sent me a video via Whatsapp. In it, he was cheating on my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 062

You deserved it 51

Creamed

By Anonymous - 15/10/2021 02:00

Today, I had a heat rash on my crotch. I asked my mom for cortisone cream. While I was putting it on, it suddenly started burning. It turns out she gave me arthritis cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 754

You deserved it 116

01/06/2009 12:32

Today, I was riding a longboard down a hill and I fell off. I was all scraped up so I made sure to clean my wounds and put bandages on them. Turns out I'm allergic to the glue on the bandages and I have itchy hives all over and around my open wounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 217

You deserved it 5 436

10/04/2013 19:09

Today, my husband and I announced our upcoming divorce. My friends told me how sorry they were and that they're available for whatever I need. His friends told him to just call the girl from last weekend and get himself laid again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 304

You deserved it 7 006

10/05/2013 01:41

Today, I was questioned by police for forcing a 12-year-old to get in my car. That 12-year-old is my daughter, who refused to get in until I agree to buy her a highly expensive purse just to become popular. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 562

You deserved it 7 344

04/08/2016 18:44

Today, after countless nights of no sleep and only some spontaneous naps, I was finally seeing a sleeping doctor to analyze the problem. I missed the appointment because I ended up sleeping through my alarm after not being able to sleep at all last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 318

You deserved it 1 150

Right under your nose

By Anonymous - 03/02/2021 01:56

Today, my husband took our 5-month-old to the doctor, who diagnosed him with a severe sinus blockage and referred us to a specialist. This is the third major health problem with our son that our husband has picked up before I did. My job? I’m a nurse in a paediatric clinic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 476

You deserved it 660

26/07/2011 17:07

Today, I saved a honey bee from drowning in our pool. It promptly stung me and died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 328

You deserved it 19 359

24/02/2015 11:50

Today, whilst laying in bed with my girlfriend, she received a flirty message from her ex on her phone asking if she wanted to go to the cinema. She replied, knowing I could see the screen. The messages were signed with a love heart and about 15 kisses. She claims they are still just friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 887

You deserved it 3 971

Cool moves

By Anonymous - 21/01/2021 23:01

Spicy

Today, I tried pouring water on myself like in Coyote Ugly to the song "Pour Some Sugar On Me." I ended up waterboarding myself and I didn’t stop until the pitcher was done. I felt like I was drowning the whole time, and my partner knew from the choking sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 263

You deserved it 1 470

14/08/2009 14:09

Spicy

Today, I was helping my brother clean his room. While putting clothes away, I found a box of thongs. They were mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 152

You deserved it 3 909

15/02/2009 15:49

Today, I was a host during kids' event. I did my job and started to do some funny moves to entertain the kids. I was wearing a top with a really low cut. Then noticed that all the children were pointing at me happily and adults looked surprised. Then I noticed that both my boobs had popped out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 195

You deserved it 57 635

10/02/2012 06:56

Today, I gave an old owl lamp away because I had no need for it. The new owner informed me shortly after that it was worth $400. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 238

You deserved it 22 763

12/04/2009 02:44

Today, my parents asked if I wanted to go to military school so I said, "Yeah, that would be awesome," thinking it was a joke. They weren't joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 200

You deserved it 43 923

19/02/2010 11:52

Today, I was teaching a special techniques class for ballet and was focusing on pirouettes. I was teaching a group of 8 year olds, and one student could do perfect triple turns one after the other. I still can't do them, and I've been dancing for 15 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 151

You deserved it 6 066

20/02/2010 19:04

Today, while playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, my phone rang, and I instinctively tried to pick it up with the Force. I kept trying until it stopped ringing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 902

You deserved it 45 782

18/09/2011 20:17

Today, my friends and I ran through a flock of resting seagulls. The birds took to the skies and chased after us, covering us in shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 753

You deserved it 51 043

20/03/2013 02:52

Today, my sink seemed to be filling up with dirty water. Concerned, I turned on the garbage disposal and plunged away. With no change in the water levels, I called a plumber. He reached in, pulled out the drain plug, and give me his bill while chuckling to himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 067

You deserved it 45 061

09/11/2017 15:00

Today, a cute guy who works in my building said, “Wow! You look hot.” I blushed and replied, “Oh thanks!” He then said, “Oh, no. I meant you look sweaty. Is it hot outside?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 122

You deserved it 432

24/03/2009 15:41

Today, I had an elaborate plan to ask this girl to Prom, and it was going to take a few minutes to set up. I asked my friend to distract her. He decided to distract her by asking her to Prom. She said "Yes". FML

I agree, your life sucks 280 527

You deserved it 47 363

19/08/2010 06:15

Today, I found out my husband put a parental block on the TV so I couldn't rent a movie. I'm 42. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 962

You deserved it 8 468

13/08/2009 01:47

Today, my 16 yr old cousin needed help making a job resume so I give him mine to see as an example. He changed my name to his and it got him a job right away. The sad part? I handed my resume out to about 30 places and I am still unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 892

You deserved it 4 326

22/10/2012 07:31

Today, on the first cold night of autumn, I realized I need a girlfriend because the only way I can stay warm is if I spoon with my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 577

You deserved it 5 088

22/06/2019 01:18

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. How? He invited my mother to his house for coffee with his parents, and told her. She then had to come home and tell me I’d been dumped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 967

You deserved it 115

16/02/2012 07:43

Today, after applying for a job at the local pet store, I picked up a ferret. It began licking my cheek, causing me to turn my head. It then latched onto my ear and hung like a giant furry hoop earring. I screamed, then quietly left the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 116

You deserved it 4 751

Run, run away pronto

By Anonymous - 22/01/2021 08:01

Today, my fiancé yelled at me after I got off the phone with my friends, because I said I hadn't felt this happy and hadn't laughed this much in a long time. He was also mad that I didn't cook him dinner. He didn't ask me to cook dinner for him. He then told me to go somewhere else if I'm not happy with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 112

You deserved it 162

30/12/2011 17:27

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, severing all forms of communication but one: Words With Friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 023

You deserved it 3 055

13/03/2014 09:33

Today, I watched my daughter squealing with delight in front of a video game. Beating a boss? Slaying an adversary? Completing a quest? Not at all. She was chasing birds, making them fly away, then starting all over again as soon as they landed. She's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 495

You deserved it 7 487

05/10/2013 22:25

Today, my son's lemonade stand was robbed by a senior citizen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 475

You deserved it 3 358

24/11/2012 05:55

Today, I got into a car accident. The guy wouldn't give me his information, but instead stood there saying, "Like a good neighbor, Statefarm is there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 172

You deserved it 2 237

11/02/2016 06:06

Today, I was hanging out with a friend out of state. He had some friends with him and we were all having a great time, until they found out I live in Utah. They instantly assumed I was Mormon and started to act weird around me. This is a frequent occurrence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 157

You deserved it 1 962

Strange noise

By Anonymous - 22/01/2020 18:00

Today, I was awoken at 1:30am by a strange noise, and something tugging on my hair. I opened my eyes, to find a very large rat sitting on my pillow, chewing my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 702

You deserved it 207

07/10/2014 11:33

Today, I stood up too quickly and got dizzy, so I sat on the edge of the bed to regain my balance. I started dozing off to sleep again, got confused, and peed down the side of my bed thinking I was on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 204

You deserved it 10 621

The Teaching Life

By Anonymous - 28/03/2021 19:59

Today, being incredibly ill after my second COVID shot, I called in sick for maybe the third time in 10 years (I teach). That didn’t stop parents from calling and messaging to scream at me because they weren’t happy. I had to drag myself out of bed and do work in between throwing up. I feel even worse now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 073

You deserved it 134

20/07/2009 22:44

Today, I was going to volunteer at a soup kitchen. I saw a man working, so I went up to him to ask where I should sign in. Before I even opened my mouth, he told me that they opened at 12 and to come back then for my meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 935

You deserved it 4 859

19/04/2009 21:52

Today, I had a job interview. Everything was going really well until I noticed a bug on my interviewer's lower neck. I shouted that something really disgusting was crawling on him. It turns out it was his big hairy mole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 409

You deserved it 61 174

17/07/2012 04:54

Today, while I was volunteering at the homeless shelter, one of them "accidentally" kissed me. It felt like my face was being sucked by a vacuum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 729

You deserved it 2 166

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Monday 11 April 2011 11:59

well look on the bright side i bet it was a good bj for him to remember the aniversary

berkeleyjake 13

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Monday 11 April 2011 11:58

in his defense, you weren't in a committed relationship with him till you put your mouth on his genetils... so he did remember

Comments

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Monday 11 April 2011 11:55

that sucks first I hope

Scotticus117 11

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Tuesday 12 April 2011 1:32

nah 115 is pretty lol ;)

berkeleyjake 13

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Monday 11 April 2011 11:58

in his defense, you weren't in a committed relationship with him till you put your mouth on his genetils... so he did remember

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Monday 11 April 2011 14:13

why do people celebrate months? it's so weird

birdofparadise 16

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Monday 11 April 2011 14:27

They aren't celebrating months. If you actually read it, it says that the first time she gave him a bj, it was a month after they got together. It was probably their one year last month and she's upset he forgot.

aquariusangel420 0

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Monday 11 April 2011 16:18

And that's when you find someone better who doesn't give a shit about bj anniversary he is a fuckin idiot DUMP HIS ASS NOW and also find someone with a bigger dick cuz I'm sure he is that big but shhhh nobody's suppose to know that HAHA

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Monday 11 April 2011 21:17

lol!!

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Tuesday 12 April 2011 1:35

I don't understand people, why would someone want a penis in a mouth cause it would be just wrong for someone to kiss you, you would have his penis and his semen in your mouth.

MrPacMan36 4

Tuesday 12 April 2011 7:43

should have given it to him on the first date. hed kill two birds with one stone.

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Tuesday 12 April 2011 13:46

You don't actually think the semen stays in her mouth do you

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Wednesday 13 April 2011 1:16

196 I talking it was in her mouth.

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Monday 11 April 2011 11:58

at least he remembered something.. XD would you like him to forget everything altogether?

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Monday 11 April 2011 12:01

good point :P lol

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Monday 11 April 2011 20:55

excuse him for only remembering the important things In life

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Monday 11 April 2011 23:42

Should have given him the BJ on your anniversary of being together. That way he would have had a much better chance of remembering it!

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Monday 11 April 2011 11:59

well look on the bright side i bet it was a good bj for him to remember the aniversary

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Monday 11 April 2011 14:51

haha! there you go! so it's not all that bad OP!

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Monday 11 April 2011 12:00

I guess he cares more about blow jobs than about you. Did he get you a present?

CoonAndFriends 0

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Monday 11 April 2011 13:17

YES.^ Haha :D

foreverspellman 0

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Monday 11 April 2011 21:30

really 9? she said it was an FML because he forgot the anniversary. can you really blame a brotha for remembering something so wonderful? not every guy in the book likes sex just because it feels good. some actually understand that when they receive something like that, it's special. all kinds of wonderful emotions come from it, not to mention it feels good. as for you, I think you've never had that or ever realized that. truly upsetting for you and... try to look at the glass Half full next time.

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Monday 11 April 2011 12:08

He came to surprise you. How nice. XD

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Monday 11 April 2011 12:09

I agree, your life sucks... In more ways than one :p (Haha. Me clever :p)

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Monday 11 April 2011 13:53

No.

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Wednesday 13 April 2011 1:18

I see what you did, actually I don't your a retard.

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Monday 11 April 2011 12:11

You sound kind of mad, bro.

justin1104lee 0

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Monday 11 April 2011 12:16

doing something horrible to him to make him remember.

cldean24 4

Monday 11 April 2011 12:19

Will what? Finish your sentence.

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Monday 11 April 2011 12:42

Maybe Justin meant to say 'do'.

justin1104lee 0

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Monday 11 April 2011 19:34

yup. hate autocorrection!

Zombieslayer1 0

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Monday 11 April 2011 19:48

I totally agree the it sucks.

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Monday 11 April 2011 12:16

maybe this should mark the month you go celibate

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Monday 11 April 2011 13:56

yes celibate Indeed

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Monday 11 April 2011 21:09

celibate Ftw.