Intimacy: Today, I found out that the white marks on my pillow aren't from...

By KaraAnn17 - 12/02/2011 16:29 - United States

Today, I found out that the white marks on my pillow aren't from me drooling in my sleep like I originally thought. My roommate used my pillow to help support her lower back during intercourse with her hookup from last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 186

You deserved it 3 512

Intimacy

Taking stock

I blame the parents

Alexa, play "Unhappy Birthday" by The Smiths

Assumptions

By Martin s - 08/05/2021 01:59 - United States - Manahawkin

Today, I saw the crazy meth guy, who randomly rolls up on you on his bike and tells you how he met Jesus, leading a little boy behind a church. After I made sure nothing weird was happening, I reported it to the police and posted a status to warn parents on Facebook, I found it was actually his kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 462

You deserved it 864

By 918boyz - 04/02/2009 22:23 - United States

Today, I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said "That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 754

You deserved it 2 602

By justagirl - 02/12/2014 05:40 - United States - Roseville

Today, while in bed with my boyfriend of 2 years, he mentioned what it would be like if he had sex with anyone other than me. I mentioned the same about him. He quickly yelled, "No, you're a woman. You are mine!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 789

You deserved it 5 857

Ghost Shoes

By Fuckedupmom - 23/08/2018 13:00

Today, my 3-year-old daughter has been crying non-stop for an hour because she wants to take off her black shoes. She's not wearing any. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 723

You deserved it 206

By SocialAnxietySucks - 26/03/2014 03:31 - United States - Houghton

Today, the clock in the study lounge was off, so I was half-an-hour late to class. I was too embarrassed to walk in late, so I sat for the next half-hour with my ear against the door trying to hear the lecture. People stopped to ask if there was something wrong with me. Yeah, probably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 234

You deserved it 11 892

By regrub - 10/01/2010 09:14 - United States

Today, ignoring the unspoken rule of not entering the bus when the driver's not inside, I went in while he was taking a break. As I stepped inside, he reached in the window and pressed the "close-door" button. It closed on my hand. Everyone at the bus stop laughed as I yelped in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 355

You deserved it 29 615

By Birdwatcher - 18/09/2012 16:19 - United States - Woodstock

Today, I found a tiny, featherless baby bird. I knew it was impossible, but I tried to keep it alive through the day. Before I could get it to the wildlife center, it died, and when I got all choked up over it, my mom started laughing at me and saying how "weak" I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 109

You deserved it 4 719

Bodyshaming

By Anonymous - 09/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, my coworker doesn't want to go to lunch with me anymore, after I lost a load of weight in lockdown and she's still "overweight." Apparently, I've "changed, and not the same person." FML

I agree, your life sucks 675

You deserved it 54

By lactose intolerant - 28/01/2019 15:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my little sister thought I was making up I’m lactose intolerant, so she swapped my dairy-free milk with regular milk. I’m writing this from the toilet and I’ve been here for at least 20 minutes, with cramps and diarrhoea. She’s also complaining about the foul smell coming from the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 744

You deserved it 159

By Anonymous - 10/12/2012 22:40 - Sweden - V?ster

Today, I woke up to find my best friend lying down and unresponsive. Frightened, I tapped on the glass. He got scared and started swimming again. My best friend is a fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 514

You deserved it 7 184

Not helping

By StillUnemployed - 11/10/2021 20:00

Today, I received a call from a potential employer. I was excited, until my roommate starts loudly moaning sexually in the background. The interviewer got offended and hung up. My roommate did it because I "made her" pay my half of the rent this month. FYI, I’m unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 054

You deserved it 152

By ...... - 16/05/2012 22:29 - United States

Today, I was in the hospital with rib injuries after being rear-ended by a truck. The doc said, "Well, you'll probably feel like you've been hit by a truck for a while." Everyone laughed, except me. When I said he was being insensitive, he replied, "Calm down, I'm just ribbing you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 436

You deserved it 32 119

Stewart Lee has let himself go

By Anonymous - 11/10/2021 14:00

Today, my wife informed me that she hates having sex with me, and only married me because I was dark, trim, and handsome, but now I'm just gray, fat, and soon to be single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 054

You deserved it 107

Genetic test

By Anonymous - 12/10/2021 02:00

Today, it's not fair: I’ve seen my twin brother drink 2 full bottles of whiskey without getting more than tipsy, then go to work the next day completely fine on only 2 hours sleep, meanwhile I get completely trashed if I have more than 3 normal pints and take days to recover from the hangover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 775

You deserved it 293

By Anonymous - 27/04/2015 14:49 - United States - Apopka

Today, the guy I broke up with for not putting any effort into the relationship asked if he could make it up to me by taking me out to lunch. He stood me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 968

You deserved it 6 995

By GoldenTornado11 - 10/05/2017 14:00

Today, I walked in on my parents having sex. In my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 935

You deserved it 524

By Anonymous - 08/08/2013 21:18 - United States

Today, I ran into my shitlord of an ex at the store. He took one look at me, yelled "You cheating bitch!" in a wounded voice, then walked away, fake-crying. I got so many dirty looks. The worst part is that I dumped him last month for cheating on me with my "best friend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 696

You deserved it 3 762

By Anonymous - 08/02/2017 08:00 - Korea, Republic of - Pyongtaek

Today, I broke it off with my mistress so that I could work on my marriage. Shortly after, my wife received an anonymous message saying that I was unfaithful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 541

You deserved it 24 850

Hopefully…

By dinkley7 - 10/10/2021 20:01

Today, I was told to go fuck myself twice because I asked people to wear masks. Only a month and a half of this left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 844

You deserved it 264

By ari - 18/02/2013 22:15 - United States

Today, I started at my new job. The woman who I'll be working right next to 40 hours a week introduced herself with, "I know what your name is. I know what you're planning, and I've been sent to destroy you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 847

You deserved it 3 867

Geography

By Anonymous - 14/07/2012 22:47 - United States

Today, I had to slowly explain to my boss that in some parts of the world, it's currently winter, due to the different hemispheres. He scoffed, accused me of "making shit up," and said that if I took him for a fool again, I'd be looking for a new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 459

You deserved it 2 346

By vividrabbit - 12/07/2009 13:29 - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really hit it off with. Then he admitted that he was a recovering heroin addict and had to cut our date short to go to the methadone clinic. When I got home, I realized that my wallet was missing $40. I think he lied about the "recovering" part. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 814

You deserved it 4 976

By thatisfuckedup - 13/06/2013 22:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I ordered some burgers at a fast food joint. When I said, "No lettuce," the cashier looked dumbfounded and asked, "What's that?" I literally had to say, "The green stuff" before she got it. I'm losing hope. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 357

You deserved it 3 865

By forever alone - 30/08/2016 13:55 - Trinidad and Tobago - San Fernando

Today, I had a terrible dream where my aunt paid a stripper to have sex with me, since I'm 27 and haven't even kissed a guy yet. I ended up taking the dream-stripper to the mall for snacks instead. Even my dreams are mocking me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 705

You deserved it 1 629

Trial and mainly error

By unlucky - 13/11/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, I have done enough trials to confirm that I puke after each time I have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 523

You deserved it 4 513

Alanis Morissette reference

By mei-ah - 12/06/2021 00:01

Today, my mom screamed at me to the point of tears, because it rained on her birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 61

By Ljsmitty - 12/09/2009 20:14 - United States

Today, I was messaged by a great guy I went to college with, and he was telling me how stupid he had been for not asking me out in college and about how much he had liked me. After talking for 30 minutes about trying to get together soon, he told me that he had mistaken me for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 240

You deserved it 2 882

By thesockmancometh - 30/07/2009 15:21 - United States

Today, I told my therapist that I suspected my partner was unfaithful, but I don't think he believed me. "What, did you find a membership card to a sex club in his wallet or something?" he asked. When I got home, I looked in my partner's wallet. I found a membership card to a sex club. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 022

You deserved it 4 631

By Christina - 29/06/2012 05:31 - United States - Aurora

Today, my mother decided to share with me that my father is impotent, and they hadn't had sex in a year and a half. Thanks, Mom. I can never unhear that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 370

You deserved it 3 080

By anonymous - 07/12/2015 13:28 - United States - Mandeville

Today, my dad read that if you pass gas from both ends at the same time it will create a vacuum inside your body and you'll implode. I can't convince him otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 305

You deserved it 1 670

By killmenow - 21/02/2011 01:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex while his parents were out. They came home early, ran upstairs and knocked on the door. Scrambling to find our clothes, we gave up and just hid under the blankets. They barge in, drunk and laughing, and tried ripping the covers off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 667

You deserved it 8 848

By malcolmXXX - 14/10/2015 02:01 - United States - Savannah

Today, a girl I've liked for the longest time kept asking me to reveal my "deepest secret" in exchange for hers. Thinking this was flirting, I told her my secret was that I liked her. Her secret was that she was a "lesbian and just had to tell somebody." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 272

You deserved it 2 340

Woohoo, party time!

By Dp. - 27/03/2021 13:59

Today, after 22 years, I finally got promoted to senior tech. My wife bitched about the reheated lasagna and I drank a fifth of whiskey. A celebration dinner to remember FML

I agree, your life sucks 809

You deserved it 131

Stay mad

By shut mouth - 11/10/2021 02:01 - United States

Today, my mother is upset that I won’t share things with her anymore. This is the woman who spent my entire childhood gossiping about every teeny tiny detail of my life, and used my suicide attempt as a way to garner pity for herself. Yeah, no thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 075

You deserved it 51

By GuitarChick42 - 04/04/2009 18:15 - United States

Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano. FML

I agree, your life sucks 320 527

You deserved it 22 877

By Swatted - 17/02/2015 06:39 - United States - Sparks

Today, a model I've been working on for an art competition was declined. They thought I was being insensitive and "rudely glorifying 9/11". My model was about the ending scene of King Kong. I spent twenty hours on that model. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 189

You deserved it 2 922

By spaghett - 29/08/2016 20:32 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after jumping into a public swimming pool, the female lifeguard, who I have had a crush on for years whistled at me. When I got out of the water, she handed me the bathing suit I'd apparently lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 098

You deserved it 1 786

By DuChaillu - 27/01/2010 07:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to perform a strip tease for me. As he was stripping out of his clothes, he took his shirt and then pants off first. He was wearing zebra striped knee high socks and underwear. I burst out laughing. He left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 105

You deserved it 27 714

By hardgraderorhardass - 24/02/2016 04:46 - United States - Bridgewater

Today, my English professor bragged to my entire class about how good my essay was. He kept on saying great things about it for the duration of class. To my surprise, he'd given me a C-. When I asked why, his only response was: "I'm a hard grader." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 722

You deserved it 1 520

By Anonymous - 05/05/2012 07:08 - United States

Today, it was my wedding. Everyone showed up, except my fiancé. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 241

You deserved it 3 205

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Top comments

Bobby64 29

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Saturday 12 February 2011 22:24

People on FML sure have great friends and roommates. :/ Yuck.

iburppeopleup 0

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Saturday 12 February 2011 22:32

just do the same to her, or pull another awful thing like mix bleach in her shampoo, fill her body wash or shampoo with nair... get revenge bitch!

Bobby64 29

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Saturday 12 February 2011 22:24

People on FML sure have great friends and roommates. :/ Yuck.

Bobissmall 13

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Saturday 12 February 2011 22:50

Ha, yeah i noticed this too. And yuck doesn't cover it, i almost gagged, which is strange for an FML!

iNekoGamergurl 0

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Sunday 13 February 2011 2:55

ohemgee, is ur pic that one dude from Card Captor Sakura? i watched it when i was like 12 .... idk... i forgot his name .__.

nibbles101 0

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Sunday 13 February 2011 14:45

urs are all idiots, cum drys clear and then falls of in Tiny little flakes, it does not leave marks

elainelovesyou 7

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Sunday 13 February 2011 18:04

And you know this because.. ? xD

Bobby64 29

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Sunday 13 February 2011 21:54

@#13: Yes, that's where my pic comes from. His name's Kero. :)

honeybunches88 5

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Tuesday 15 February 2011 5:22

nibbles has clearly never had sex before.

lolitaababy 0

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Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:19

ahahahahahaha!

roeallen 11

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Saturday 12 February 2011 22:25

Why did she have sex on your bed? Get a lock.

Doortje 29

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Saturday 12 February 2011 22:31

The way I read it the roommate just borrowed her pillow, but had sex in her own bed. Also, a lock won't do any good if they're sharing a room.

UpsidedownKayak 9

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Saturday 12 February 2011 22:35

I misread that too, thanks for pointing that out, Doortje.

insanesna1l 0

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Sunday 13 February 2011 12:31

at least she has good posture. These things are important

T1A2Z3 34

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Friday 11 May 2018 10:19

They're ROOMMATES she can't lock her out of her own room

icedawgz 0

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Saturday 12 February 2011 22:27

I'd lick it up

iBoardSlide 0

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Sunday 13 February 2011 11:12

no you wouldn't

DoubleEdgedBlade 4

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Sunday 13 February 2011 13:19

3 - If you did lick it up and get AIDS, I would salute you.

iburppeopleup 0

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Saturday 12 February 2011 22:32

just do the same to her, or pull another awful thing like mix bleach in her shampoo, fill her body wash or shampoo with nair... get revenge bitch!

Guesswhosthabest 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 2:55

haha ima do da nair to my friend!!(:

Witchcraft_fml 4

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Thursday 7 April 2011 10:10

Is it so difficult to spell out "the"?

Classic_PWN 1

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Sunday 26 June 2011 17:14

I'm going to stay away from you now...

UpsidedownKayak 9

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Saturday 12 February 2011 22:33

That's fucked up that she is fucking on your bed. What is wrong with her bed? This is why you can't have nice things around other people.

FMLephant 2

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Saturday 12 February 2011 22:34

How did you find out? Did you do the scratch and sniff test?

Sweetie2u 1

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Tuesday 15 February 2011 10:56

Win

Phoebe_Buffay 14

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Monday 16 September 2013 2:56

Gee, I sure wish there was a button in which you could express whether or not you liked someones comment.

pizzle012345 0

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Saturday 12 February 2011 23:10

If someone had sex on my bed.... I would cut off theirs head

claireful 4

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Tuesday 10 May 2011 6:58

theirs?

TheRealLori 0

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Saturday 12 February 2011 23:22

Here's a thought...wash your pillow cases once in a while! YDI for not knowing, and obviously being used to not caring. GROSS.

BigBagel 0

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Sunday 13 February 2011 2:41

ydi for not joining in for a threesome

DKjazz 20

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Sunday 13 February 2011 2:58

shampoo + nair = one of the most awful things you can do to a person

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 6

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 224

You deserved it 27

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 623

You deserved it 173

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