Today, I found out that the white marks on my pillow aren't from...

By KaraAnn17 - 12/2/2011 16:29 - United States

Today, I found out that the white marks on my pillow aren't from me drooling in my sleep like I originally thought. My roommate used my pillow to help support her lower back during intercourse with her hookup from last night. FML

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Intimacy

Goodbye Bill

Assumptions

Hello everyone!

By Anonymous - 1/12/2011 07:00 - United States

Today, I turned 21. It's also the day I learned how it feels to have my foot and leg set on fire by a drunken idiot who thought it was a great idea to splash lighter fluid into an open-pit bonfire. FML

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By Gee - 16/6/2017 02:00

Today, I helped a stranger exchange 3,000 Argentinian pesos for US dollars through my bank. They gave him $3,000. The exchange rate is close to $195. My bank realized their mistake and now my bank account is -$2,805 expecting me to pay it back. All this happened before my recent paycheck came in. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2016 06:40 - United States - Seattle

Today, I dropped my knitting project while I was sitting down, but I managed to catch it between my legs. So my knitting needles also caught me. FML

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By poorgirl - 23/9/2009 21:38 - United States

Today, my dad threw up on my dress. My wedding dress. While he was walking me down the aisle. FML

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By Dammit - 7/7/2012 04:45 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I found out that I'm allergic to bacon. FML

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By edulover - 1/1/2011 01:16 - United States

Today, my mom duly informed me I'm the reason people have middle fingers. FML

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By great - 25/1/2013 20:36 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, my girlfriend complimented me on my ass. Before I could say thanks, she continued by commenting that she wouldn't mind "breaking it in". FML

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By Elle(; - 11/8/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I felt something tickling my neck. Thinking it was him, I ignored it. Just when I was about to climax, I looked down to see a lizard on me. FML

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By Tally - 24/9/2009 16:16 - Canada

Today, I got flowers at work. I was excited until I saw they were from my good friend saying, "Sorry for sleeping with your boyfriend!" FML

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By Triumvirate - 16/10/2010 05:26 - United States

Today, I learned that making an illegal U-turn right after you see a cop doing one will not stop said cop from ticketing you. FML

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By nottelling7012 - 29/8/2010 04:21 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend of six months broke up with me because of 'creative differences', as she put it. The real reason is that we couldn't decide which cupboard the plates should have gone in. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I dog-sat for my neighbors' pitbull. Weighing in at 100 pounds with a nasty bite; this dog was no lap dog, but I treated it as one - not knowing how deadly this dog could be - beckoning it towards me with my hand. I now have 6 stitches in my hand and arm, and the neighbors didn't pay me. FML

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By redneckfamily - 24/5/2013 07:06 - United States - Roy

Today, I realized my family is the textbook definition of redneck after listening to my grandpa threaten to smash with an excavator the trailer that my uncle lives in behind our house if he didn't return the set of tires he had stolen and pawned from my grandpa's garage. FML

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By what have i done with my life - 21/7/2013 17:46 - United States - Akron

Today, I jokingly told my friend that when a tree seems to sway in the wind, it's really just having an orgasm. Not only did she believe me, she's been smugly informing everyone we know. She's 26. I seem to be friends with an absolute idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2020 21:10

The Good Grandson

Today, I had to drive all the way across town to clean my grandfather's toilet for him. FML

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By DENTALITY - 23/5/2015 11:06 - Norway

Today, I caught my son trying to punch his own teeth out so he'd get more money from the tooth fairy. FML

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By Msrebound - 21/12/2017 19:00

Today, even my 11-year-old noticed how much my boyfriend constantly reminisces about his ex-girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 22:00

Today, I found my boyfriend browsing tablet PCs on the internet. He actually had a tablet until a while ago, but he hardly ever used it. He still has two smartphones, a desktop PC and a laptop he never uses. But yeah, sure, he needs a tablet. Because, "they're cheap." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2010 05:39 - United States

Today, my boss told me when I transfer to a Target in Orlando I should work in the clothing department. He said it would be a good way for me to meet chicks. I told him all the girls who work in clothing in that store are ugly as hell. Apparently his daughters work there. I never knew that. FML

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By wtf - 10/1/2014 16:47 - United States - Delmar

Today, my grandpa took my face in both hands, kissed me on the lips, said "Now you can tell all your friends you've had your first kiss," and walked out of the room. FML

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By munchkin - 26/10/2009 06:35 - France

Today, I ran into a car. I suffered a concussion and broke my nose. I wasn't driving. I walked right into it. It was parked. FML

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By Skidmark Sally - 7/10/2012 21:41 - United States - Las Cruces

Today, while working at the daycare, I had to clean the entire place. During the next four hours, I scooped up three human teeth, a rotten log of shit, a tire iron, a condom wrapper, and a yogurt that expired in 2003. I only cleaned the place a week ago. FML

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By goshoveafuckingfrappuccinoupyourvagyoupsychocunt - 7/9/2013 21:43 - United States - Midlothian

Today, a customer kept harassing me and threatening to sue me for all I'm worth because I wouldn't give her a free refill. Her reasoning was that it's "illegal" to deny people a free refill if there's still a little drink left in the cup. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2019 14:00

Monday Morning Blues

Today, after a rough night, my husband's alarms started going off at 5 a.m. All 4 of them. Old town road, the Skyrim theme, that lady yelling, "I got shit to do today" and bagpipes. I'm awake. He's not. FML

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By scaredypants123 - 7/3/2014 15:41 - United States

Today, I was in bed staring at two red lights coming from my DVD player. They reminded me of the terminator movies, and I had to unplug it. I'm 23 years old and scared of The Terminator. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2011 03:05 - United States

Today, I had to give a 63 year old man a shot. He started bawling before I even brought out the needle. I tried to get him calm down. Then he grabbed the needle, threw it at me and ran out the door. FML

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By LoveMyNewBro - 4/1/2011 10:56

Today, my dad told me he had been seeing someone for a while and has decided to marry her. When I met her, her son looked familiar. I lost my virginity to him. FML

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By betchyo - 1/10/2009 06:10 - United States

Today, I was talking to my best friend. After admitting to me that he's gay, I gave him a hug for support and comfort, feeling his erection on my upper thigh. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2014 16:28 - United States - Portland

Today, I thought it would be cute to put on a Santa hat and ask my crush what he wanted for Christmas. He said "A girlfriend." I took off my Santa hat and yelled "Ta-da!" He added, "An ATTRACTIVE girlfriend." FML

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By paprikarulz - 1/7/2009 10:31 - Australia

Today, I got an email from a guy to whom I sold my old phone to over eBay. Turns out I forgot to delete the nude photos of myself and my boyfriend that I had stored up. His email asked me for "any PIN numbers needed to use the phone, and oh by the way, nice tits." FML

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By offrampmotel - 28/3/2017 14:00

Today, my 4-year-old son discovered that he really likes masturbating. So much in fact, that he took pictures of it with my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2016 15:06 - United States

Today, I was on my way to work and someone cut me off. I then switched lanes and sped past the person as I flipped them off. What I didn't notice was that the person that cut me off was my boss. He's been shooting me dirty looks from across the room all morning. FML

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By silentbutdeadly - 27/4/2009 22:04 - United States

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend. His dog, Baxter, has a bad farting problem. I decided it would be okay to let a silent fart out and blame the dog. Baxter was outside when I blamed him. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2014 16:31 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, in the middle of my boyfriend finally giving me an orgasm, I had an anxiety attack, which caused him to have an attack of his own. I guess there is such a thing as having too much in common with your partner. FML

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By ouch - 26/6/2010 14:23 - Canada

Today, my friend hit a glass with her arm, so I dove to try and catch it before it hit the ground and shattered. I hit my head against the table, giving me a nice gash that needed stitches. The glass was actually plastic. FML

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By really - 7/11/2014 00:30 - United States

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend, he got up and said he needed to go home because he was tired and just wanted to relax and watch TV. That's what we were doing. FML

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By marmarr - 15/5/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I pretended to not be able to go out with a friend so I could hang with my boyfriend at the movies. When I sat down I received a text that said "turn around" it was her. FML

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By guyshithappensto - 22/5/2010 02:41 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class. If that wasn't bad enough, I awoke gasping for air. I almost drowned in my arm fat. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2015 20:36 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, my friend took me tandem skydiving. When it was time to jump, he began crying, said he'd cut our parachute cords, then said "Goodbye, cruel world!" and pushed me off the plane with him strapped to my back. I pissed myself and cried like a bitch. He thinks his "prank" was hilarious. FML

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By confsused - 16/12/2013 17:49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out that my dad is actually my uncle, and vice-versa. FML

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Top comments

By Bobby64 | 29

#2075775 - Saturday 12 February 2011 22:24

People on FML sure have great friends and roommates. :/ Yuck.

By iburppeopleup | 0

#2075839 - Saturday 12 February 2011 22:32

just do the same to her, or pull another awful thing like mix bleach in her shampoo, fill her body wash or shampoo with nair... get revenge bitch!

COMMENTS

By Bobby64 | 29

#2075775 - Saturday 12 February 2011 22:24

People on FML sure have great friends and roommates. :/ Yuck.

Bobissmall | 13

#2075925 - Saturday 12 February 2011 22:50

Ha, yeah i noticed this too. And yuck doesn't cover it, i almost gagged, which is strange for an FML!

iNekoGamergurl | 0

#2076148 - Sunday 13 February 2011 2:55

ohemgee, is ur pic that one dude from Card Captor Sakura? i watched it when i was like 12 .... idk...
i forgot his name .__.

nibbles101 | 0

#2077845 - Sunday 13 February 2011 14:45

urs are all idiots, cum drys clear and then falls of in Tiny little flakes, it does not leave marks

elainelovesyou | 7

#2078547 - Sunday 13 February 2011 18:04

And you know this because.. ? xD

Bobby64 | 29

#2079724 - Sunday 13 February 2011 21:54

@#13: Yes, that's where my pic comes from. His name's Kero. :)

honeybunches88 | 5

#2084525 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 5:22

nibbles has clearly never had sex before.

lolitaababy | 0

#2085328 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:19

ahahahahahaha!

By roeallen | 11

#2075788 - Saturday 12 February 2011 22:25

Why did she have sex on your bed? Get a lock.

Doortje | 28

#2075828 - Saturday 12 February 2011 22:31

The way I read it the roommate just borrowed her pillow, but had sex in her own bed.
Also, a lock won't do any good if they're sharing a room.

UpsidedownKayak | 9

#2075865 - Saturday 12 February 2011 22:35

I misread that too, thanks for pointing that out, Doortje.

insanesna1l | 0

#2077393 - Sunday 13 February 2011 12:31

at least she has good posture. These things are important

T1A2Z3 | 34

#7633078 - Friday 11 May 2018 10:19

They're ROOMMATES she can't lock her out of her own room

By icedawgz | 0

#2075802 - Saturday 12 February 2011 22:27

I'd lick it up

iBoardSlide | 0

#2077187 - Sunday 13 February 2011 11:12

no you wouldn't

DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#2077532 - Sunday 13 February 2011 13:19

3 - If you did lick it up and get AIDS, I would salute you.

By iburppeopleup | 0

#2075839 - Saturday 12 February 2011 22:32

just do the same to her, or pull another awful thing like mix bleach in her shampoo, fill her body wash or shampoo with nair... get revenge bitch!

Guesswhosthabest | 0

#2087193 - Wednesday 16 February 2011 2:55

haha ima do da nair to my friend!!(:

Witchcraft_fml | 4

#2307962 - Thursday 7 April 2011 10:10

Is it so difficult to spell out "the"?

Classic_PWN | 1

#2763548 - Sunday 26 June 2011 17:14

I'm going to stay away from you now...

By UpsidedownKayak | 9

#2075846 - Saturday 12 February 2011 22:33

That's fucked up that she is fucking on your bed. What is wrong with her bed? This is why you can't have nice things around other people.

By FMLephant | 2

#2075855 - Saturday 12 February 2011 22:34

How did you find out? Did you do the scratch and sniff test?

Sweetie2u | 1

#2085188 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 10:56

Win

Phoebe_Buffay | 14

#5675151 - Monday 16 September 2013 2:56

Gee, I sure wish there was a button in which you could express whether or not you liked someones comment.

By pizzle012345 | 0

#2076005 - Saturday 12 February 2011 23:10

If someone had sex on my bed.... I would cut off theirs head

claireful | 4

#2487725 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 6:58

theirs?

By TheRealLori | 0

#2076051 - Saturday 12 February 2011 23:22

Here's a thought...wash your pillow cases once in a while! YDI for not knowing, and obviously being used to not caring. GROSS.

By BigBagel | 0

#2076123 - Sunday 13 February 2011 2:41

ydi for not joining in
for
a threesome

By DKjazz | 20

#2076154 - Sunday 13 February 2011 2:58

shampoo + nair = one of the most awful things you can do to a person