Today, I was doing a sewing project in class. My friend said we should get the teachers to model our designs. I said that I did not think I would have enough material to make clothes for one of the teachers. I said this in front of the whole class very loudly, while the teacher was right next to me. FML
Today, while going to the bathroom, I noticed a smell lingering. It smelled good so I kept sniffing the air. And then it hit me. My poop! My poop smelled good and I'd been sniffing and enjoying it. FML
Today, I discovered my friend will be upstaging my birthday by hosting another birthday party shortly afterwards. Not for her of course, but in honor of her favorite actor. FML
Today, I was taking a shower when the water suddenly went cold. It spooked me so much I slipped and hit my head on the metal edge of the tub. My husband then said that I had the best Christmas gift. FML
Today, I felt something hit my eye as I was riding on my bike. My glasses ended up falling off. I looked for them for ten minutes before giving up. I ran over them. FML
Today, I felt accomplished after I cleaned the whole house alone, but then I stepped backwards to admire my work and stepped into a pile of dog poop. FML
Today, I saw my mom's Facebook profile picture for the first time. It had all of my family members in it. I was cropped out. FML
Today, I thought my mother was coming into my room to give me lunch. She gave me cleaning supplies instead. FML
Today, I went to the hairdresser and changed my hairstyle drastically. It wasn't until she was nearly done that she said, "I just KNEW this style wasn't going to suit you." FML
Today, an email appeared in my inbox saying that the final this week that was supposed to be on Saturday has been moved forward to Thursday. It’s Friday. FML
Today, I went in to take my College Placement tests. I'd spent all week ignoring actual homework to study for these tests. When I got there, the responsible told me that the tests were last week. FML
Today, my boyfriend's parents came over. It got hot, so I took off the jacket I was wearing, but I forgot I wasn't wearing a shirt underneath. FML
Today, I finally got a cable box for my TV. When I was connecting the cable, my tv fell and shattered the screen. FML
Today, I tried to have a game night at my house. Suggesting a popular card game that everyone plays, snacks, and BYOB. No one showed or even said they weren't coming. FML
Today, I was on my way to class and it was muddy outside, so I slipped and it looks like I shit myself. I'm wearing white pants. FML
Today, I had to sit in between two boys on a two-hour bus ride. They were watching a movie and each of them had shared an earphone. They made me hold the phone up so both of them could see the screen. FML
Today, I walked home and found a massive branch had fallen into my parking space. My first thought, "Thank God my car wasn't hit!" My second thought, "Where's my car?" FML
Today, I realized that my wife is on her 3rd month using an IUD. The side effect is nonstop bleeding. I haven't had sex with her since she got it. I'd say this contraceptive is working perfectly. FML
Today, I’m still recovering from last night. I fell asleep before my boyfriend. He thought it would be funny to stand at the bottom of the bed with a knife and wake me up. I screamed so much that I wet myself and had a panic attack. He recorded the whole thing. FML
Today, I was hanging with my friends when out of the blue, I got thirsty. Friends said there was Gatorade in the fridge. Being the trusting person I am, I took a drink, only to discover it was piss. FML
Today, I accidentally touched someone's boobs. It was a man. And I noticed that they were bigger than mine. FML
Today, my parents were arguing about their relationship. My mom, who is very Christian, yelled at my dad for watching porn. My dad responded, "Of course I watch porn, I've told you! I've shown you!" He's also the one who stressed to me at a very young age that porn is immoral. FML
Today, I was feeling really down and decided to text a friend to vent to someone about it. Then I realized, I don’t have any friends. FML
Today, my mom found out that I got a tattoo two years ago. She got mad and spanked me. I'm 33 years-old. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were spending the night at a hotel. We were awoken at 3 a.m. by the fire alarm. We quickly got dressed, went down the stairs to the reception area… and were told that it was a false alarm. All because some jerk lit a cigarette in his room. FML
Today, I had an argument with my dad about Venice being in Italy, not Spain. He wouldn't believe me, and had to Google it. He's an engineer for an aerospace company. FML
Today, on my 16th birthday, my lightly worn jeans split while I was at school. I attempted to fix them with staples, but I have a metal allergy. So I took my driving exam with a rash on my butt and staples digging in, in a car that had no AC. FML
Today, my batshit crazy downstairs neighbor threatened me with "legal action" for making too much noise. According to her, it’s "illegal" for people in upstairs apartments to use vacuum cleaners, therefore I must sweep my carpets to avoid disturbing her and her imaginary guests. FML
Today, I saw a neglected potted palm tree on the front porch of what I thought was an empty house down the street from me. I took it home to nurse it back to health. When I got home from work, it was gone. Later, when taking a walk, I spotted the palm, right back on the porch I'd taken it from. FML
Today, I went to Walmart to purchase a pregnancy test. I chose my checkout line carefully, to make sure I didn't see anyone I knew. After choosing one, I realized it was 4 o'clock on the dot. Shift change. My mom's best friend took over the shift just as I reached the checkout. FML
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