By Anonymous - 8/1/2021 11:01

Odd one out

Today, I went to the mall with two friends. A modelling scout approached us and asked both of my friends if they were interested in modelling. When the scout finally noticed me, she asked if I was their mom. We're all the same age. FML

I agree, your life sucks

889

Dangling modifier

Capitalism kills

Last dates

By KD - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my friends and I were talking about our celebrity lookalikes. We decided that my friends all had attractive celebrity lookalikes, including Scarlett Johansson and Hayden Panettiere. When it was my turn, they decided that my "celebrity" lookalike is the Pillsbury Doughboy. FML

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29551

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3949

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By owowowow - Canada

Today, I found out how much it hurts to be shot with a paintball in your open mouth. My mouth was only open to say I was hit. FML

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35031

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7569

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By Anonymous

Spay and neuter, people!

Today, I took in an old friend’s fat cat for a month until she finds a place to live. Turns out the cat isn’t fat, just pregnant. I found out when I found two of her dead kittens in my living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1728

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167

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By fmljae

Today, I rented a 4x4 to take my wife to a secret secluded beach for our anniversary. I got as close as I could to the spot and parked on the beach. After a few romantic hours we returned to find the car half way up the windows with water. I forgot it was king tide. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10789

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30694

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By DumpedHisAss - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my boyfriend, who screamed at me for being a f-ing liar and never taking time for him. He'd called my work and knew I wasn't there as I said I'd be. He was right - I was lying. I'd been driving for the past 10 hours to his family's beach house to surprise him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37895

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3732

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By Retailhell - United States

Today, since it's company policy, I had to go to the back of my small store to retrieve an item for a customer, even though I was working by myself. I came back to find that since she couldn't get into the cash register, she found and stole my purse instead. FML

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33309

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3407

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By awkward - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a friend's "party". Everyone bailed but my friend didn't say anything, so it's just me and my girl. The train tickets alone cost £20. FML

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3193

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314

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, my boyfriend discovered how to make me queef on demand when he has his fingers inside me. I now feel like my love life has been replaced with fart sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36606

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4422

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By BadBoyfriend - United States - El Paso

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for not remembering our anniversary. Our three week anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64275

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7291

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions

Today, my best female friend got dumped. Seeing how I was alone when I got dumped, I didn't want her to feel the same, so I was nice to her and tried to help her as much as I could. I've now been getting constant messages from our mutual friends, telling me to stop hitting on her. FML

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4869

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501

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Today, the family computer kept overheating. My four-year-old son thought the solution was to pour a nice, cold cup of water on it. FML

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12938

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1219

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By frgn8r - Australia

Today, my friends and I finished a 2 day, 40km bush walk. We parked a car at the finish of the track and drove another car to the start, so we could drive back and pick it up when we finished. At the end of the trek, I realised I had left the keys for the second car in the first car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13112

You deserved it

35845

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I found a used condom in my trash can. I have been happily married to my wife for 7 years, and we use other forms of birth control. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43957

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2919

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By Anonymous

Weirdly specific

Today, I was told by this creeper in my grade who I don't talk to ever that I have the same bra size as Megan Fox. He was right. I have no idea how he knows my bra size. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1593

You deserved it

136

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By angelamegan21 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I burned my left breast with hot oil at work. Everyone's now calling me "toaster strudel" and singing "This girl is on fire" every time we cross paths. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43469

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6082

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By experience_to_get_experience - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I turned 25. I'm single, still living at home and doing an unpaid internship in an industry I have no interest in, because it was the only accepted application after 6 months of unemployment. The daily 45-minute drive means I'm losing money every week for being "employed" with a PhD. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24300

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3013

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to rid my son of his pacifier. He still uses it to sleep. My son is 20 years old. FML

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37168

You deserved it

26359

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By Dan - United States

Today, I got a call from my ex asking if I could fix her computer. I brought my 7 year old son with me. On the way I told him, how I hated her, but I can't be rude. Once we get there, I say to her "it's nice to see you." My son says "but I thought you said you want her to fall off a bridge?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

10762

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49039

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By Anon - United States - Denton

Today, after nearly a year of being stalked, harassed and even terrorized, the police finally found out who my stalker was. It was my 19-year-old son, who thought it would be a fun prank to pull. FML

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52777

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5936

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By spiderbaby - United States - San Francisco

Today, I opened a window that had been shut for a couple of months. As soon as I did, dozens of tiny baby spiders blew in with the breeze, and dispersed in my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26417

You deserved it

2508

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend went down on me for the first time. Just as I was reaching climax my brother raced into the bathroom right next to my door and began to vomit extremely loudly. FML

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37991

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5541

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By Stupid-Brain - 6/10/2020 09:59

Please like me

Today, like every other time for as long as I can remember, even the slightest suggestion that someone doesn't want to be around me sends me into a major panic attack. I've been in therapy for three years to try and handle my anxiety. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1016

You deserved it

169

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned what a nail gun shooting my leg feels like. FML

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33140

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11942

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By Anonymous

Astrology is bullshit, get better friends

Today, my friend reminded me that I have been on a ton of dates lately, but couldn't get a girlfriend because I thought something was off with them all. He also reminded me that I have dated every zodiac sign, meaning I'm out of options. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1088

You deserved it

507

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By Chat

Today, my only day off this week, my cat decided that she wanted feeding at 5am and wouldn’t stop meowing till I filled up her bowl. She then refused to eat it. FML

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3843

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706

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By Anonymous

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. As he came, he yelled "FIRST, BITCHES!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

54746

You deserved it

9794

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2020 08:08

Vicious

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years after finally realizing I'm a lesbian. He then outed me to my very religious and conservative family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1697

You deserved it

850

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By WishIWasADogMinder - Australia

Today, while making less than minimum wage at McDonalds, I had to dispose of a grown man's soiled underwear that he left on the bathroom floor under a pile of toilet paper. It isn't even the grossest thing I've seen in my six months of employment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22785

You deserved it

2506

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By bad in the sack - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She was on top, and then stopped, got off, and said, "Let's go get ice cream." I think this was her way of telling me I suck at sex. FML

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55008

You deserved it

11401

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By hearing too much

The sound of silence

Today, the walls in my house are so thin that I heard my roommate yell from the bathroom upstairs, "Hear my butthole roar." Now I’m scared to use the bathroom after him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1667

You deserved it

197

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By Doesn't Matter Had Sex - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I had sex with this guy. His dad came upstairs and poked his head through the door right after we had finished, but were still naked in bed. All he said was, "No twins," and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25301

You deserved it

4452

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By HowToGetFired - United States - Tampa

Today, I just finished a driving school that I thought would lower my insurance by 10%. It was 30 hours so I was glad it was over, that was until I found out I took the wrong class. FML

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22033

You deserved it

8564

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the man of my dreams turned out to be the worst kisser I've ever encountered. I now have a huge hickey on my chin to remember the experience by. FML

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22789

You deserved it

2317

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By anonymous - United States - Casper

Today, I let my dad put my dollar in the slot machine for me because I'm not old enough to gamble. I won $200 but he kept it because he "put the dollar in the slot machine." FML

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54464

You deserved it

10261

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By brokenrelicslost - United States

Today, I realized that I have completely fallen for this incredible guy, and that I am really looking forward to where our relationship will take us. He just informed me that he will be doing jail time following his court date Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27931

You deserved it

5803

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By Godfree - United States

Today, I was walking to a meeting and saw two girls trying to jump start a car in the rain. Thinking I'd be a gentleman and help them, I offered to assist. The girl whose car is broken down looks at me, looks at her friend, and says, "I think we'd better call the police." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43757

You deserved it

3213

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By CanadianEH

Today, my dog ate my underwear. This is the twenty-seventh pair that he has eaten. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9567

You deserved it

3182

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By difference between birds and mammals. - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching TV and there were penguins laying eggs. He said, "Penguins are mammals, they don't lay eggs." I replied, "Penguins are birds." We fought about it for ages until he realised that I was right, and has since stopped talking to me. FML

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26305

You deserved it

2737

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother found 100 bucks in his coat pocket. He was so happy he bought 2 new games for his x-box. He was borrowing my coat. FML

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51480

You deserved it

8479

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By Anonymous - United States - Audubon

Today, my cat learned the hard way what the bathtub is for. While I was in it. FML

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35846

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7963042 - Friday 8 January 2021 15:55

You could always model for AARP, adult diapers, and that jellyfish stuff that's supposed to help old people from losing their memory.

What's it called again?

By Vesi | 24

#7963090 - Friday 8 January 2021 21:22

This is exactly how human trafficking is used. PLEASE PLEASE I beg of you, make your friends do a LOT of research to make sure the agency is legit! Further, make sure family members all know as well!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7963042 - Friday 8 January 2021 15:55

You could always model for AARP, adult diapers, and that jellyfish stuff that's supposed to help old people from losing their memory.

What's it called again?

By jfigley | 5

#7963064 - Friday 8 January 2021 18:12

Sounds like you either have a very mature look about your complexion or you dont take care of yourself and you look old. Which one is it?

By Vesi | 24

#7963090 - Friday 8 January 2021 21:22

This is exactly how human trafficking is used. PLEASE PLEASE I beg of you, make your friends do a LOT of research to make sure the agency is legit! Further, make sure family members all know as well!

By Jaclyn Hoffman | 5

#7963255 - Saturday 9 January 2021 20:52

Yes, that sucks, but I'd be grateful if I was you because that's how people get trafficked.