Today, I returned a shirt for my mom. When the cashier asked why, I just said my mom didn't like the way it looked. After an awkward pause, I noticed the cashier was wearing the same shirt. She was not amused. FML
Today, I got home from visiting family for 4 days. Before leaving, I had cleaned my whole apartment and done all of my laundry, except the clothes I worked in the day I left. By the time I got back, ants had set up a colony in said clothes and my laundry hamper. I even found some in my bed. FML
holly_fly tells us more.
holly_fly 34
This is pretty good. XD I was actually visiting mom, dad, and bros for the first time after moving away. It was not pleasANT at all, but thankfully I can laugh about it now. ?
Today, I was grocery shopping with my older sister. An elderly couple passed, and the man pointed to my sister, saying, "She LOVES to eat." My sister is 7 months pregnant, and I had to spend the next hour comforting her as she bawled her eyes out because of an off-hand comment from a stranger. FML
Today, my family and I were going to start moving into our old house, and the large two hundred year old tree decided to move in too... through the roof. FML
Today, I accidentally put my passport through the washing machine. It is completely ruined, and I have had it less than 3 months. FML
supertacowaffle tells us more.
Hi, this is my FML. Basically after a 32 hour trip back from Australia (layovers, waiting round etc) the second I got home I put my jacket in the wash and it had the passport in the pocket. Complete my fault, just thought it would make a funny FML.
Today, we started building our dream house. Next to my parents-in-law. FML
Today, I was meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time. She warned me they were a little weird. Right when we walked in the door, her parents were there to greet us...in the nude. Apparently this constitutes as a LITTLE weird. They both hugged me. FML
Today, I came out to my parents. After we had a talk about them accepting me, my dad said, "Now get out of here you little duck sucker." FML
Today, after house sitting for my neighbor, I realized that he has a camera pointed at my pool. FML
Today, my daughter and I went to the mall. While we were looking for clothes, she walked away from me and touched a man on the arm and smiled and said "Hi!" The man freaked out and screamed at me for letting that "thing" in public and to "wear a condom next time." FML
Today, I was walking out of work. I felt like everyone was staring at me but brushed it off. It wasn't until I got home that I realized I had toilet paper sticking out of my pants. FML
Today, I stumbled across my school bully on Facebook. She's a successful business owner and engaged to be married. I can't land a job and am hopelessly single. The b***h that served as the catalyst for my depression and suffered no repercussions is getting married on my birthday. FML
Today, while at work, a sneeze snuck up on me. Ever sneeze so violently your fake tooth shoots into the cubicle across from you? FML
Today, I lost my keys while at the supermarket. I franticly back-tracked through the store, asking everyone I saw along the way. They eventually showed up, right where I left them... in my unattended car, the engine still running. There was an announcement made over the PA system. FML
Today, I went with the kids I work with to a roller rink, where there are tons of black lights. Under the glow, I realized in horror that an old semen stain could be seen on my shorts. Praying no one saw, or realized what it was. FML
Today, I got an angry text from a random number calling me a lying piece of shit. I then realized that was the first person to text me in weeks. I ended up having a fake argument with someone because I was so lonely. FML
Today, after giving my kids a lengthy bedtime lecture about the merits of being responsible, I thought about all the chores I had left to do, promptly ate ice cream in the shower, and went to bed. FML
Today, I traveled to my hometown for a funeral. I'm staying with my family in the house I grew up in. My dad told me they'd "completely renovated" the house. There's still only one bathroom for the seven of us and I'm sleeping on the floor for the entire two weeks. FML
Today, I realized that my social life is so dead that the only thing I do that involves other people is read FML. I don't even participate in the comments. FML
Today, I returned from a trip to Budapest with more condoms than I had brought with me. FML
Today, while manscaping in the shower, I found out that things can still get caught in the clippers, even with a guard on. FML
egnur_mas tells us more.
egnur_mas 19
Bridger you're on the right track mate, I'll have to take a little more care from now on. Considering the circumstances I'm still pretty stoked to have my first submitted FML published!
Today, I just drank a sip of beer and felt something so I spit it out... It was an earwig. FML
Today, I bought a new cannister and it came with a label that said "Cookies" so I carefully scanned and photoshopped it to say "Coffee". Then I opened the cannister to find 11 double-sided bilingual labels -- including "Coffee". FML
Today, I came home and caught my husband in a compromising position. He was watching Twilight. FML
Today, I was having a chat with a fellow veteran I bumped into at a car show. He ended the conversation by turning to my dad and saying, "you're lucky to catch a young honey like this." Then went on to ask if we'd tried anal yet. FML
C8H18 tells us more.
C8H18 33
OP here. My dad walked off acting like he hadn't heard anything as I yelled, "That's my FATHER!"
Today, after months of telling my landlord about the weak floorboards in my living room, I fell through them as I was trying to repair them myself. FML
Today, I found out that the reason why the guy I took home from the bar seemed to understand everything about me instantly was because he was my ex's secret drug dealer. FML
Today, I vomited on an Oxford professor during my first university interview. They called me "Little Miss Nervous" during my second interview. FML
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