By Anonymous - 20/2/2021 00:30 - Germany

You tried!

Today, my mom, not gifted for household chores, proudly announced that she cleaned the toilet. As it turns out, what she'd primarily cleaned was the deodorizer inside the toilet. Then she tried for the stains inside the bowl, unsuccessfully, then she gave up. But yeah, great job. FML

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Home improvement

Dangling modifier

There's no helping some people

Our house, in the middle of our street

By Lickmebaby - United Kingdom - Enfield

Today, I woke up to see my 8-year-old cousin licking my hand. All of it. FML

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By Sarah - 19/3/2021 22:01 - United Kingdom

Stabbed!

Today, I had to convince policemen I’m not a victim of domestic abuse after I had to go to hospital for a stab wound for the second time since Xmas. I’m just hopelessly clumsy. I managed to stab myself with a screwdriver while opening a paint tin. Last time, it was a knitting needle while knitting Xmas jumpers. FML

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By Jibber96 - Norway - Oslo

Today, I was walking with a friend to tell him how excited I was for college and even motivating him to apply for the same school, until I found out later that I got rejected. FML

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By omfgwhywhywhy - United States

Deliverude

Today, I had to take a delivery to a known hoarder. I was braced for the sight of the house, but not the naked fat guy and the smell of dead cat when he answered the door. To top it off, they didn't even tip me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, while I was cleaning, listening to music and sometimes singing along, I heard a knock on my front door. I turned off the music and opened the door to the police, who stated they had to investigate reports of "repeated female screams" coming from my apartment. I'm a 23 year old man. FML

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By Anonymous

On yer bike

Today, I replaced the fog lights on my car and completely filled my gas tank. $50+ later, the transmission decided it wanted to go out. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2020 13:58

Chuds

Today, at my retail job, I was trying to get a large amount of cardboard to the trash and had a short path to maneuver through displays and customers. As I'm coming down the aisle, a customer sees me and stops to look at a coffee cup display, directly in my path. FML

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By handygirl - Singapore - Singapore

I'm here!

Today, I tried fixing my bedroom lock because the push button hadn't retracted. When I closed the door, I couldn't open it again because the spring isn't attached to the latch, so that didn't retract either. I'm locked in my own room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband decided to be helpful and do all the laundry, including pre-treating all the stains. He felt that Clorox Clean-Up with Bleach would be the most effective. FML

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By ceedee - United States

Today, I was pondering the meaning of life - why I'm here, why anyone is here, why go on, and whether it's worth it... Then it hit me. The football in the head, not the meaning of life. FML

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By secret dancer - Sweden

Today, I was bored and all alone while cleaning at work. This led me to start passionately doing a ballet dance in the empty corridor. I promptly stopped as I remembered the surveillance cameras. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally moved all my boxes into my new apartment. I was settling in when my alarm clock that was stashed in one of the boxes began ringing. Two hours and several boxes later, I still can't find it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom told me that my new concealer is way too dark and makes my skin look hideously orange and uneven. I wasn't wearing any makeup. FML

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By sabz21 - United States - Naugatuck

Today, as a priest's helper in church, I was giving Communion. It took me three people to realize that every time I was giving them the Eucharist, I was saying, "May the force be with you". FML

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By Guessmyproffhatesme

Today, in exams to become a funeral director, my full name was used as the example of the deceased in a few questions. Actually, 22 questions. FML

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By TuT - France

Today, I found my husband in the bathtub, which was filled with blood-red water, motionless and staring blankly at the ceiling. I started screaming and crying, and he burst into laughter at his "hilarious" prank. He only seemed regretful that his video camera hadn't been recording properly. FML

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By lpilou - France

Bigmouth Strikes Again

Today, I was finally able to get to know a girl at university who I'd been eyeing up for months. We had a nice conversation. We discovered that we live in the same area, and so we talked about that. I told her that the little restaurant under my house was really disgusting. Her parents own it. FML

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By anon - United States - Edison

Today, I got hit by a car while walking into the hospital to visit my wife, who had also gotten hit by a car. FML

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By WhyThankYou - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I was having dinner at a long-time friend's place. In a matter of 15 minutes, her mom had managed to establish unequivocally that three kinds of people were ruining the world: vegetarians, atheists and homosexuals. I'm all three rolled into one. She knows that. FML

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By x - Canada

Today, I spent 65 dollars in cab fare and skipped half of my grade 12 classes, including a unit test, to see my girlfriend on our two year anniversary. I arrived just in time to see her kiss her other boyfriend of over a year good bye. FML

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By Cogibbt - Canada

Today, my mom found out that paper is made from trees. She read it on a garbage truck. I then had to explain to her how it's made. FML

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By foxbrat - United States

Today, I woke up with a dead cockroach and its guts all over my forehead. My boyfriend responded by laughing hysterically and saying "Poor guy, never had a chance to see the world." FML

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By Raset24

Today, it was my last day at my job. My team made a little party for me so they could wish me well and say goodbye, but when it came time for my manager to give a little speech, she couldn't even remember my name. I've been working there for two years. FML

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By RadioactiveKush - United States - Monroe

Today, my drunken mom began to frantically scream "YEAH" "WOO HOO" and "ALRIGHT" at some kindergarteners that were singing Amazing Grace in honor of a restaurant owner who had recently died. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I found out who's been stealing clothes from me during swim practice. She called me a liar, despite wearing one of my sweaters, which has my initials stitched into it. FML

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By Ashamed - United States - Somerville

Today, I blurted out something like "humdidumdum erm lalala" in public, attracting mystified stares. The thing is, I do this every time I remember something embarrassing I've said or done in the past, in an attempt to erase it out of my consciousness. So it happens a lot. FML

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By ewwww - United States

Today, I discovered that an unmentioned side effect of my new medication is body zits. I now have zits on my neck, my ear, and inside my nose. FML

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By fukinnature

Today, I was feeling stressed about some upcoming exams, so I went on a nice relaxing nature walk through the nearby bushland. I slipped off a rock and landed in knee-deep mud that claimed my shoe when I pulled my leg free. I'm even more stressed now. FML

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By facefuckedguy - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to a job interview, and a guy ahead of me went to enter the building, only to walk face-first into a glass door. I rushed to help him up, and after we had a good laugh about it, I turned to walk inside, only to walk straight into the door as well. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was stopped in traffic when a woman rear-ended me, backed up, and sped off along the shoulder, taking my passenger side mirror with her. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, while on a six hour flight, someone offered to pay me $20 to swap seats with them. It seemed like a great deal, so I immediately accepted and moved to my new seat. I didn't realize my new neighbor was an old man with a raging boner. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cheltenham

Today, I discovered that if I turn my shower off for a minute, then back on again, the water comes out scalding hot. I discovered that while the showerhead was pointed directly at my genitals. FML

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By Sleeper_C3ll - United States

Today, I heard a man pleasuring himself in the stall next to me during my post lunch deuce. I was washing my hands when my boss walked out of the stall. I can no longer look at him in the face. FML

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By Anonymous

Cash dispenser

Today, my daughter is engaged to her soon-to-be fifth husband. She's 32 and refuses to believe she's the problem in relationships, and she wants me to pay for this wedding. FML

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By ohgodwhyyoufreaks - United States - Moorhead

Today, while working at a porn store, a group of six people tried to return used toys and penis pumps. Even though you can't return any items, it's still an unfortunately common occurrence. The semen in these particular toys, however, is not. All of them began shouting at me for not refunding them. FML

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By james - United Kingdom

Today, whilst reading all 15 pages of this site, my French girlfriend asked me over my shoulder for translations, such as "What is buttsex?", "What is wanking?", and "What means farted?" FML

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By Anonymous

Warm up guy

Today, it seems that my four previous girlfriends all left me because they found better, more attractive, more wealthy, more interesting men. My entire love life feels like I’m the warm up act for the main event of other dudes getting laid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Escalon

Today, my insane war veteran great-uncle punched me in the throat for not laughing hard enough at his stupid joke. FML

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By stupid - United States - Middleton

Today, I realized that customers at my work ask me "Are you new or just stupid?" just as often as they did when I first started. FML

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By jessie - 15/5/2021 04:00

Different together

Today, my mom walked in on me shaving the tops of my legs. She called me a freak, since apparently women aren’t even supposed to grow hair there. FML

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Top comments

By SM79 | 6

#7972889 - Saturday 20 February 2021 1:16

Are you incapable of cleaning a toilet? If it bothers you that much, clean it yourself.

By diraven | 14

#7972907 - Saturday 20 February 2021 5:21

You must have had a fun childhood

COMMENTS

By SM79 | 6

#7972889 - Saturday 20 February 2021 1:16

Are you incapable of cleaning a toilet? If it bothers you that much, clean it yourself.

By core01 | 30

#7972904 - Saturday 20 February 2021 4:58

What is a deodorizer inside a toilet?

Reply

SM79 | 6

#7973007 - Saturday 20 February 2021 17:07

There are deiderizors/cleaners that you stick to the inside of the toilet bowl.

By diraven | 14

#7972907 - Saturday 20 February 2021 5:21

You must have had a fun childhood

By jc1015 | 23

#7973140 - Sunday 21 February 2021 7:37

get off your ass and do it yourself