By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 12:01 - Canada - Charlottetown

No, not them!

Today, after there was only one family that hated me enough to beat me up when we were kids, and we still don't get along as adults, my youngest brother is now dating into that family, and one of my older brothers is dating into that family too. It's like some kinda sick curse, or karma. FML

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There's no helping some people

Rock, hard place

And today, on Dr Phil…

By Stalked - United States

Today, I and a policeman confronted my psychotic neighbor who stole my cat because she thinks flea bites cause cancer. She refused to tell us what she'd done with the cat. I just spent $100 last month in vet bills, and my kids are crying for their pet. He's probably in pieces in her freezer. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I told my boyfriend I wouldn't be able to get any time off work to go to Mexico with him, and that we'd have to get our tickets refunded, and reschedule. He said not to bother, and that he already had someone else in mind to take with him. FML

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By LifeSucks - United States

Today, as I was driving to work, I got a flat tire. While attempting to replace said tire, I got mugged. The guy took all my money, my iPod, cellphone, and CDs. When I finally called my boss to explain my situation, he fired me. Why? Because I was late and had an "overactive imagination." FML

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By CatLitterLover - United States

Today, I dropped my Xanax. It wasn't until after I washed it down with some water that I realized it was still on the floor and I had actually swallowed a pebble of cat litter. FML

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By Coldsnap - Sweden

Today, my father tricked me into eating a Tasmanian habanero, saying it was just another pepper. The burning in my mouth was unbearable, but nothing compared to when I took a shit later in the day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up from an amazing dream I was having about my girlfriend. We were laughing and holding hands, the kind of dream I wanted to stay asleep for. When I finally got up, I was excited to tell her about the dream but then I remembered. We broke up a week ago. FML

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By firemansam - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Advent calendar time!

Today, I was out selling Christmas-themed calendars for charity door-to-door. I rang a doorbell and a wild-eyed man appeared at the door, shouted about being "on nights" and that I'd woken him up, called me a "bell end", threw a newspaper at me and slammed the door in my face. FML

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By D-Man - United States

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend got engaged to a co-worker. I got her the job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, it was my first day at my new school. I've never been the new girl before, so I asked my best friend for advice. She said, "Whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, be yourself." FML

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By nooooo - United States

Today, I have no cell phone reception as I am visiting family who lives on the side of a mountain. They told me there was service on top of the mountain, so I hiked up. Only when I got there did I realize I'd left my phone back down at the house. FML

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By iamlauraheremecry - United States

Today, my power went out due to a huge snow storm. I was in desperate need of candles and flashlights. I had to walk to the store since the roads were closed. I walked 4 miles in the blizzard. When I got home, the power came back on. FML

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By Joe thomas - United States

Today, I was riding on my bike when I saw a homeless guy holding a sign saying, "Need money, stranded from Oklahoma." I decided to be nice, and hopped off my bike to give him $2. He took the money, and then jacked my bike. FML

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By offuckingcourse - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to my boss's dinner party. My sister, who also works with me, sat across from me at the table. I felt her kick me so I kicked her back. Then I heard something start crying. It was the boss's baby crawling under the table. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Deatsville

Today, I have really painful pimples on my upper lip. I'm a professional trombonist, and every note causes excruciating pain. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML

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By Carolina R-h

Today, my 2-year-old woke up from her nap with a full diaper, then decided to climb down from her bed and got stuck under the railing, leaving a stinky trail of poop everywhere. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my anxiety has been so bad, I have had vivid dreams of my boyfriend of 6 months cheating on me. This is not the first time these dreams have happened, and I know for a fact he is not cheating. My anxiety is going to turn me into the crazy girlfriend from hell. FML

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By Misc. - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were just about to have sex and I was so excited to do it just like the movies. He carried me up and just as he was about to lay me on the bed he sneezed, dropping me at the same time. I hit my head. Now I have 12 stitches where my eyebrow used to be. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I was the victim of a drive-by egging by some bastard riding a segway. He still got away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss fired me from my job at a local family-owned business. Thanks, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2020 23:01

Between a rock and a soft place

Today, it's our eighth anniversary. My husband has struggled for a while with erectile dysfunction, and tonight he decided it wasn't worth trying. So now, he's sitting at home, soft, while I'm eating Taco Bell in the car. FML

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By IneedMaury - United States - Lowell

Today, the girl who broke up with me and disappeared 6 years ago wished me a happy Father's Day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, as I left the supermarket, I found someone had hit my car in the parking lot. There was a note tucked under the wipers. Insurance details? Nope. It just said "Sorry dude. I fucked up. Good luck with the car." Great. FML

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By Kate - United States

Today, my husband decided he will be a 'stay at home' dad. We have two cats. No kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, my mom barged into my room, threw 5 boxes of condoms at me, then said, "So you don't get pregnant". She still hasn't accepted the fact that I'm a lesbian. FML

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By boohoo - Ireland

Today, I was fired from my catering job for pointing out the unsafe food conditions. I'm studying food safety in college. FML

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By teejayrn - United States - Fayetteville

Today, my son sprayed the bottom of my car and windows white with fake snow in Christmas cheer. He did a great job, except he used white spray paint instead of the fake snow. FML

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By

Today, my Mom found out that I've been intimate with one of my best friends in the past. We used protection, it never went anywhere, and we ended it amicably, but she still gave me a huge lecture. Later, she high-fived and congratulated him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad vehemently refused to let me go on vacation to France with my best friend, because he watched Taken a few months ago and apparently forgot that it's just a movie. FML

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By that was mine - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my mom cleaned out my bank account, saying my "no-good dad" owes her child support and that she'll get it one way or another. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2020 23:00

The geyser

Today, my girlfriend was on top in reverse cowgirl. After she orgasmed, all I heard was, "Oh fuck" and she clenched her butt to try stop, but it was too late, she shot diarrhoea up my stomach, chest and neck. The only reason I didn’t get any in my mouth was because it all got caught in my beard. FML

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By Lilahpaints

My Baby Boy

Today, twelve days after stomach surgery, I birthed a left behind, forgotten blood-stained stinky surgical swab from my vagina. I have no idea why it was there in the first place. I feel violated. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Winter Springs

Today, I finally realized that when my seemingly very judgmental fiancé makes negative comments about other women, it's actually just an excuse to keep ogling them. FML

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By mew - Canada

Today, one of the children at my daycare came up to me and bit me on the face. He laughed so hard at my scream, that he threw up in my lap. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I still can't get my ex out of my house. It's been a year and he, "refuses to give up on something special." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, I realized that not everyone in the office needs to hear my explosive diarrhea through the a/c vents that interconnect through the entire building. I think an email was sent around, describing people's reactions in detail. FML

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By jenpearl - Australia

Today, I decided to do naked yoga in my lounge room, as I always do. Later, I found a note on my front door saying "Keep doing what you're doing". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I spent a quarter of an hour trying to figure out why my car wouldn't unlock, then why my number plate had changed. FML

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By homo fuckofftus - United States - San Diego

Today, we were discussing evolution at the super-religious school I'm forced to attend. I mentioned homo sapiens, and my teacher mockingly replied, "You actually believe in homo sapiens? Hahahah!" The whole class started laughing. No, not at the teacher; at me. FML

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By sparkus

Today, while out hiking with my girlfriend, she thought it would be funny to push me down a small hill. It turned out there was a 16 foot drop at the end of it, and now my leg is in a cast. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7964856 - Saturday 16 January 2021 17:26

Are you a Montague or a Capulet? Or a Hatfield or McCoy?

By kimdaa | 10

#7965369 - Monday 18 January 2021 21:47

...so, it's all about you? That other family must really hate you a lot! Just imagine faking relationships with your brothers just to get back at you!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7964856 - Saturday 16 January 2021 17:26

Are you a Montague or a Capulet? Or a Hatfield or McCoy?

By kimdaa | 10

#7965369 - Monday 18 January 2021 21:47

...so, it's all about you? That other family must really hate you a lot! Just imagine faking relationships with your brothers just to get back at you!