By Ready to break up - 8/1/2021 05:01 - United States - Hesperia

Smells like victory

Today, my girlfriend and her best friend have been in a contest to see who can go the longest without showering. They’ve just hit day 22. They smell so bad, I can’t stand to be in the same room with them anymore. I'm really about to dump her. FML

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Family values

Triage

Spooky

By thanks hun - 7/5/2020 20:00

Overheard musings

Today, my husband came out of the bathroom and screamed, "Call 911 because I just murdered this motherfucking toilet!” then laughed hysterically at his own stupid joke. I was on a Zoom meeting at the time. Everyone heard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hurricane

Today, at work, I wanted to scare my best friend, who is also my coworker. Thinking that he was cleaning the women's bathroom, I snuck in and right when I was about to scare him, my store director came out of the stall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Coeur D Alene

Today, I went on a date and ate in the park. When I crossed my legs under the table, I scraped my knee and got a lot of splinters in it. When I got back home and started digging out the splinters, my dad furiously demanded to know why I'd been on my knees during the date. FML

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By ? - United States - El Cajon

Today, my girlfriend of nine months made a huge scene in public, calling me a "cheating bastard" because she saw me with another woman at the library. That "other woman" is my Calculus tutor. FML

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By confusedandnowsingle - Finland - Espoo

Today, my boyfriend's proposal speech somehow ended with him breaking up with me. FML

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By laprochainefoisjerestealamaison - France - Montpellier

Today, I gave birth to my daughter in a hospital corridor. The nurse who took me to my room afterward tried to comfort me by saying there've been worse incidents; she said that two years ago, a lady gave birth in the parking lot. That was me too. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my dad gave me a twenty minute lecture about responsibility and how lazy he considers me to be. He then yelled at me for not making his bed and getting his clothes off the floor. FML

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By lacucarcha - United Kingdom - Telford

Today, my boyfriend flamboyantly proposed to me in a packed restaurant. I promptly had a panic attack and fainted in front of at least fifty people and a full mariachi band. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I drunkenly staggered home and crashed on the couch. When I woke up I realized it wasn't my house. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, three days before their rent was due, my fiancé's friends moved out of our basement without saying a word to us. On their way out, they took an envelope from my locked desk with $800 in it that was for our wedding in six months. FML

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By BrokeAF - United States - Great Barrington

Today, my ex showed up to pick up our kids in her brand new car. Last month child support doubled my amount because of a paperwork error. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was waiting in line while a lady paid for her shopping, when her credit card got declined. She started ranting and insulting everyone and kept insisting: "I'm not poor!" By the time the lady had finally stormed off, I had spittle on my face, and the cashier was almost in tears. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was able to land a nice apartment solely based on the fact that my puppy is potty trained. During the required pet interview, my dog 'got sick' and defecated all over the apartment office. I now have to clean the mess knowing that I will not be allowed to live there. FML

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By Morgan - United States

Today, I lost my dog. I looked around my neighborhood for hours, and found it under my bed asleep when I got home. FML

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By doomed - New Zealand

Today, the girl I am in love with invited me to stay with her in Europe for 2 weeks, she is even paying for the flights and accommodation. It's because I am such a special friend to her and she wants me to come up to meet her fiancé before she gets married. FML

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By Uwrongfodat - United States - Denton

Today, I had my college graduation ceremony. As I was walking across the stage, some asshat, in front of over 55,000 students and staff, brazenly ran across the stage, snatched my diploma up out of the president's hand, and ran off. FML

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By Ow - United Kingdom - Swanscombe

Today, my little sister decided to move one of the mouse traps I set for our current mouse problem onto my desk chair. Apparently when a mouse is caught in a mousetrap it's cruel, but when it snaps on my balls, that's hilarious. FML

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By nomwar - United States

Today, I went to a new bar with friends. After arriving I became extremely gassy; I planned a smooth release during the loud music. Little did I know the bar occasionally dips its music to hear the guests singing. When the music turned off all eyes turned to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to run an errand while my parents helped unpack boxes in my new house. When I returned, my dad said to me, "I wasn't going to say anything, but we 'did it.' I'll let you figure out which room". FML

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By keepmouthshut - United States

Today, my wife asked me if she looked cute in a new dress that she bought earlier today. I told her that she almost looks like a supermodel. Appearantly "almost" doesn't cut it. Guess who's sleeping on the couch. FML

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By fml - United States

Today, I got fired from my job. I worked for my parents. FML

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By Brittany - United States - Kerrville

Today, I failed my driving test. I rammed into the parallel parking poles, ran a stop sign, and stopped at a cross intersection. My instructor called me an idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss explained that the company will be letting me go. She got so upset that she couldn't leave her office and I had to console her. I had to make her feel less sad for laying me off. FML

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By thanks a lot - 4/5/2020 05:00

Great boyfriend, part 2

Today, my boyfriend made me a latte. It tasted off, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I drank it. Turns out he put laxatives in it as a prank. The idiot couldn’t just use one or two. He used so many that I had to go to the ER for severe dehydration after puking and shitting for hours. FML

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By kprice6 - United States

Today, I found FML for the first time in class, and literally laughed out loud in the middle of the lecture in front of 200 classmates. Today's lecture? The cruelties of slavery. FML

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By nomorexbox - United States

Today, I actually heard my 14 year old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML

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By robotchickens - United States

Today, while on the bus, an old man told me about all the many things he wanted to do with my various orifices. FML

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By boss stabber - United States - Kings Beach

Today, I got reprimanded by my boss for saying "It's a stab in the dark, though." According to him, it's a euphemism for anal sex and I was being offensive to a gay colleague, the same one who kept insisting it was no problem. I got written up anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my college charged me for tuition for next semester. I graduated 2 years ago. I have a degree from a place too stupid to only charge current students. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was so cold that I had to put slippers over my slippers. FML

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By DangerZone - United States

Today, I was playing football for my school. I had the ball and was running down the sideline. The guy behind pulled my flag off along with my shorts and boxers. I dove to try to escape and I happened to land on the hottest girl in the class who was on the sideline. I had no pants on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I have been trying to buy a house and start a family together. Now I find out that he just spent $5000 on comic books. FML

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By fredfredburger - United States - Imperial

Today, I went on a date with the girl I like, to see The Fault In Our Stars. She didn't cry, but I did. Twice, hard. FML

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By Lexi801 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I had a volleyball game, and we were down by 13 points. I looked up at the crowd, and my mom was shaking her head in disappointment. When it was my turn to serve, I aced them, and tied the score. When I looked up she was gone. She'd left. When I got home, I heard how I sucked for an hour. FML

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By bastardchild_01 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, after much reluctance due to fear of causing a huge debate, I finally posted something on Facebook about the presidential debates. However, the post sparked an argument with my mom's childhood best friend, that ended with her telling me that my dad isn't actually my dad. FML

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By SoundConfuser - Australia

Today, after spending the three previous nights cursing the noisiest bird alive that continually disrupts my sleep to the point where I just want to smash the damn thing's head in with a rock, I realised it's been my pedestal fan the entire time. FML

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By brittney242 - United States - Stow

Today, while at a night club, I was wearing a brand new outfit that I absolutely loved. I was enjoying myself until I felt something wet drop onto my head and body from above. It was puke from a drunk guy in the V.I.P. section. FML

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By Braxam - United States

Today, I was walking to class, when a kid came up behind me and smacked me in the face a few times until I fell to the ground. I rolled over and he said, "Oh shit! Wrong person, my bad." FML

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By wow - United States

Today, I took a massive dump at work and clogged the industrial toilet. Since I used the unisex one at the end of the hall, I watched my super hot coworker walk in after me. And then she ran out immediately. Everyone had seen me walk out before her. FML

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By abercrombieef - United States

Today, my five year old daughter told me that while I'm at work, daddy has his wrestling buddy Melinda over. She also said that they wrestle on the bed so that they won't get hurt. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7963041 - Friday 8 January 2021 15:53

Now? You should have been gone about 19 days ago.

By jfigley | 5

#7963063 - Friday 8 January 2021 18:09

How old are they? Its still gross but if they are in their teens or early 20s I can see that. They sound like bunch of kids. Tell her you aren't happy and if they don't stop the foolishness, leave her until she grows up a bit....

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7963041 - Friday 8 January 2021 15:53

Now? You should have been gone about 19 days ago.

Reply

ghostinflames | 10

#7963126 - Saturday 9 January 2021 0:51

undoubtedly

By jfigley | 5

#7963063 - Friday 8 January 2021 18:09

How old are they? Its still gross but if they are in their teens or early 20s I can see that. They sound like bunch of kids. Tell her you aren't happy and if they don't stop the foolishness, leave her until she grows up a bit....

By Fata Morgana 1029 | 7

#7963128 - Saturday 9 January 2021 1:18

These people really don't sound mature enough for grown-up relationships. I'm sorry, OP, but run. This is a sign of nightmares to come.

By sarahcroy20 | 12

#7963158 - Saturday 9 January 2021 7:36

Don't they have jobs? I'm not sure how this could work.